Angry with husband

[NewMummy0818]

I’m a new mum to a 3 month old. I doing the lions share of looking baby as well as most of the housework and cooking dinners from scratch every night for hubby getting home from work. He’s a teacher and leaves the house at 615am to get in for 7 (school starts at 8), then he works late most evenings as he’s trying to get a promotion. Usually home at 7/8. We had a row this evening as I told him I want to go swimming in the morning so he needs to go to work later. I plan to be at the pool for 6 so he can leave for work at 7. The pool only opens late a few nights a week and he can’t settle baby for bed time routine so that’s out. He thinks I’m being unreasonable asking as it’s not like he’s gallivanting, he’s working. But I honestly think he’s probably pretty inefficient at work and it hasn’t clicked that he has a child he needs to come home and help with.
I’m also concerned that he won’t cope when I go back to work in a few months. One of us needs to do drop offs and the other pickups from nursery, neither of us can do both. I earn double his salary so my Job has to come before his.

The OP is expecting her husband to compromise his potential though? The reality is that if he does want a promotion, he does need to be at school early and stay late.
They both need to compromise or pay for additional wraparound care.

He's not compromising anything from the sounds of it. She wants a break from the baby. He's not having it. And actually, well, that's what happens in a lot of families, the lower earner cuts back on hours or time at work. But if that's not forthcoming then yes, they need to discuss how massive childcare will be paid. And he still needs to step up on the lifework. Loads of people work lots of hours. We did when our children were young as we were running a business. Diddums. Lifework still needed to be done.

"cooking dinners from scratch every night for hubby getting home from work."

"But I honestly think he’s probably pretty inefficient at work and it hasn’t clicked that he has a child he needs to come home and help with."

Okay, fair enough it sounds like he needs to come home earlier and do more at home, but cooking a meal from scratch every night seems pretty inefficient to me. Get a chest freezer if you can (you can get one for about 100 quid, and they add about 20 quid onto your annual electricity bill). Then make bigger portions and freeze them. Get your husband to batch cook one day at the weekend too. Cooking from scratch every single night seems like way too much faff to me!

I didn’t say he didn’t need to compromise in terms of childcare, quite the reverse!
I responded to a post about compromising a career. Which the OP seems quite happy for him to do because her job takes priority as she earns more (and presumably because she thinks he’s inefficient!)
If neither can compromise on the care because it would affect their careers, they should pay for additional childcare.

I agree with Delatron. Will you be going back to work ft op? And how much discussion took place between you before he decided to go for a promotion? Was your job and were your working hours when you go back part of that discussion? Or did he just decide unilaterally that he would do it? Huge considerations here, far beyond having time for a swim.

Also, the focus on this thread has been on his early starts, but it's the early starts combined with the late finishes that are the real issue, surely. When does your baby actually see your dh during waking times? Something is going to have to give before you go back to work, because you're really going to have to demonstrate to your employer that you can hit the ground running again and aren't going to become flaky about your commitment to work. But so too is your dh. This is why the higher paid job is normally prioritised, rightly or wrongly.

It is possible for both of parents to have successful careers. It does mean BOTH parents need to step up to their parenting responsibilities though.

That's a really lovely sentiment but the reality is often very different, unless parents are prepared to put their dc into childcare 8am-6pm Monday to Friday (or earlier/ later than that for higher earning positions). Most are either not prepared to or cannot afford to do that because they're not earning enough. It's almost inevitable that one career suffers. It's usually the woman's as she's usually the lower paid to begin with. And when it's not, situations like the op's arise. There are all kinds of professions that don't lend themselves to family-friendly working hours, usually particularly so in the public sector.

@littlelion but it's not impossible. There are jobs out there that offer flexibility...in fact my experience is the higher you rise up the career ladder the more flexibility you are afforded. I hear time and time again about women who have sacrificed their careers simply because their DH earns more or don't pick up their responsibilities at home.

We need to revaluate how we view careers - salary isn't always the most important aspect. The default stance always seems to be to suggest the woman goes part time.... And don't get me started on the judgement some women face for daring to consider full time work after a baby.🙄

Oh and I work in the public sector and have always had a huge amount of flexibility.

Oh and I work in the public sector and have always had a huge amount of flexibility.

Lucky you. Teaching is very inflexible. You can’t take term time holiday. You can’t get time off for your own child’s nativity/sports day etc.

Yes I know. I've worked in schools. You get school holidays off which is more than most people get.

I think people saying your H doesn't need to work those hours has no idea of the workload of teachers. My DH works approx 80 hrs per week and also works at home in the holidays. It is relentless. He has more than one 'responsibility' at work so has more than job and this is what it is like. Teachers don't clock off at 5pm. If he takes a promotion OP there will be more work. It is very hard but I don't think there is an answer other than you just have to get on with it and reluctantly accept the situation. I work and am not term time only so DH has always had the kids when I have been at work in the school holidays. But it does have a massive impact on us as a family and me as I have very little or no time for me. My DH doesn't like it and neither do I but after 25 yrs teaching he feels trapped and doesn't know what else to do.

We need to revaluate how we view careers - salary isn't always the most important aspect.

No, but it is hugely important when evaluating whether you can afford to return to work or not.

For what it's worth, I absolutely agree with you that we need to change the default position that it's the woman who returns part time. But its root cause is that it is women who are most often in the position (speaking purely financially) where they can most easily cut down their hours or be the stay at home parent. Because they earn less.

I too am fortunate to work in a public sector job that offers a large amount of flexibility (and have done for 15 years). I returned to work full time with both dc (much easier with my second because I'd maintained my career progression and worked my way into a higher position by then). But I believe I'm fortunate to have this flexibility. Police officers, teachers, healthcare workers - in short, anyone who does shift work or a vocational job - often have to accept that their work/ life balance will be compromised in some way and have to find a way of working around it. Which often means one partner taking most of the home work, while the other takes the work pressure.

Why should OP accept her DH working those hours at the detriment to her career (and health probably). Her DH will need to cut back when she goes back to work. What if she wants to go for a promotion and wants to work until 8pm every night?

If he leaves at 6am I assume she’ll be the one getting the baby ready, driving to the nursery/childminder (which don’t tend to open until 8am) then battling to work. Unless they get a Nanny but he still needs to do 50% of the remaining childcare/housework/cooking etc.

I’m also concerned that he won’t cope when I go back to work in a few months. One of us needs to do drop offs and the other pickups from nursery.

Nursery really isn't going to work for you.
Firstly your baby is very young to be in full-time daycare. Secondly there's stress over drop-offs and pick-ups.
A nanny is the only realistic solution. More expensive but you're lucky in that you can afford it. A nanny will also look after your baby's clothes and laundry, so removing one potential source of stress.

Firstly your baby is very young to be in full-time daycare

That’s your opinion. Plenty of parents disagree with you.

If you’re going back in a few months haven’t you agreed who will do drop offs and who will do pick ups? Right now he can’t do either so he’ll need to change his working hours.

@moredoll lots of people disagree with you. I'm sure the op doesn't need the added guilt your post brings

I can see both side to this. As a teacher I go in at 7am the school starts at 8.30. I work through my lunch. I leave at 4 due to wanting to work at home with my husband. I then do 2-3 hours usually. This is just the job. I am not insufficient. I barely scrape by all the marking. Maybe your husband stays at work as he is worried if he comes home he will not be able to get the work done? Teaching is a utterly shit career for having a family with so thoughts go out to you. Maybe his school is competitive about staying late and being ‘seen’. At ours I often get asked am I ‘shooting off early’ even though I do the same amount at home as others do I work. I just no longer care about playing silly games of who can leave last. Maybe his school makes him feeling he must stay to show willing?

PurpleDaisies

Firstly your baby is very young to be in full-time daycare

hmm

That’s your opinion. Plenty of parents disagree with you.

Not just my opinion.
the great nursery debate

@moredoll oh god this again?? For a start - the quality of the childcare is vital. High quality childcare is often considered beneficial. Secondly, the whole cortisol debate is not as clear cut as that article would suggest. There is little ( if any) research on the affect of cortisol on young children. All the research is on adults. Plus, there is some suggestions that the rise is cortisol is due to stimulation not stress.

High quality childcare is often considered beneficial in deprived areas.

This has nothing at all to do with the thread moredoll.

Take your soapbox elsewhere and start your own thread about nurseries if you really want to discuss it.

@moredoll most beneficial in deprived areas but not exclusively.
Anyway, this is not a thread about childcare.

I wouldn't be happy with my partner being out 6.15am-8pm 5 days a week with a young baby at home unless I knew it was very temporary, knowing they weren't their "set" hours. My DH comes home at around 6.30 to help with bedtime and spend a bit of time with the kids then does extra work later. He's going to HAVE to leave on time to do pick up like you say.

brighteyeowl what if OP doesn’t want to be seen as leaving early either when she goes back to work? Someone needs to pick up the kid! Why is his career more important?

Something is going to have to give and he needs to start thinking about it now or OP
will have a battle on her hands.

this is not a thread about childcare.

Yes it is. The OP raises it, I’m also concerned that he won’t cope when I go back to work in a few months. One of us needs to do drop offs and the other pickups from nursery, neither of us can do both. and I responded to that.

I understand that the use of nurseries is an emotive issue for some but their point of view is not the only valid position.