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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Angry with husband

181 replies

NewMummy0818 · 01/11/2018 22:19

I’m a new mum to a 3 month old. I doing the lions share of looking baby as well as most of the housework and cooking dinners from scratch every night for hubby getting home from work. He’s a teacher and leaves the house at 615am to get in for 7 (school starts at 8), then he works late most evenings as he’s trying to get a promotion. Usually home at 7/8. We had a row this evening as I told him I want to go swimming in the morning so he needs to go to work later. I plan to be at the pool for 6 so he can leave for work at 7. The pool only opens late a few nights a week and he can’t settle baby for bed time routine so that’s out. He thinks I’m being unreasonable asking as it’s not like he’s gallivanting, he’s working. But I honestly think he’s probably pretty inefficient at work and it hasn’t clicked that he has a child he needs to come home and help with.
I’m also concerned that he won’t cope when I go back to work in a few months. One of us needs to do drop offs and the other pickups from nursery, neither of us can do both. I earn double his salary so my Job has to come before his.

OP posts:
KumquatQuince · 02/11/2018 00:11

If my dh told me that his job was more important than mine because he earns more (which he does) and that my work had to suffer so he could go swimming I would tell him to get to fuck.

^^ this

Do you actually have any idea what is involved in teaching? Do you ever bother to ask him, to find out? And what is your super-important job? Is it more important than shaping the minds of the future? I somehow doubt it.

PickAChew · 02/11/2018 00:16

Most of these comments don't seem to be aware that teaching is often a 60 hour week.

Lemondrizzlecake1 · 02/11/2018 00:22

Sorry I think you are being unreasonable. My husband is also a teacher and works very similar hours to yours, we have 2 kids under 3, youngest is just over 12 months. When on maternity leave I did pretty much everything too, given how long my husband is out the house at work or in the house and still working it was only fair, he is after all working, not out playing golf or relaxing enjoying himself.

Saying that you earn more therefore your work is more important is shitty. I also earn more, it doesn’t mean that my husbands career is less important, teaching isn’t about the money, you should know this.

If you want to swim I’m pretty sure you could get a friend or relative to sit with your baby by the pool for an hour whilst you swim, you have all day everyday to swim. There’s no need to make your husband late for work, you are just trying to make a point.

PickAChew · 02/11/2018 00:22

They came home from work, had dinner and were singing at 7.30 so hardly working 12 hour days!

How were they spending weekends? I did 7-4 then 7-9pm then all day Sunday and still never caught up with myself, and thus was 20 years ago.

PyongyangKipperbang · 02/11/2018 00:25

And what is your super-important job? Is it more important than shaping the minds of the future? I somehow doubt it.

Shaping the minds of the future is all very well but it doesnt pay the bills and given that that OP and her DH have discussed who's job is more important financially, they appreciate that even if you dont.

yumyumpoppycat · 02/11/2018 00:38

But the OPs partner is trying to earn a promotion which will increase his financial contribution.

PyongyangKipperbang · 02/11/2018 00:45

Except that a person who makes a point of being seen to work long hours when others dont have to just makes themselves look incapable of organising their work load. Where I used to work, anyone who did this would be pretty much automatically ruled out.

OrigamiZoo · 02/11/2018 00:52

Sorry to be ignorant but once a lesson is planned, how much more planning is there?

I only ask as DD2 seems to be following the exact plan in her classes that DD1 did!

Neighbour teaches music and is home by 5 on the dot.

lostpigeon · 02/11/2018 01:00

if the op is on more money than a teacher then I am quite sure there is more than enough money to pay for some help!

AllTakenSoRubbishUsername · 02/11/2018 01:19

But if he leaves at 7 then he'll arrive at 7.45, right? 15 minutes is nowhere near enough time for a teacher to get prepared, surely. And to say he's probably inefficient isn't very nice, sorry. I guess the work should come before swimming so yes YABU.

Holdingonbarely · 02/11/2018 01:25

Is he happy to give up working and go part time.

PurpleDaisies · 02/11/2018 07:17

Sorry to be ignorant but once a lesson is planned, how much more planning is there?

Syllabuses change, your class mix changes, you improve on things you’ve done previously, you might have a different year group you haven’t taught before, etc etc etc

Plus there’s always marking to do.

Amanduh · 02/11/2018 07:29

Teachers leave work at 3.30?! How?! Also... we’re expected to stay until at LEAST 4.30. The two staff meetings a week, marking, assessments.. catching up with emails, arranging things within school, catching up with colleagues/slt.. and you think 8-3.30 would be normal teaching hours? Erm, no.. the vast majority would tell you no way. Leaving at 3.30 wont be practical. No, I don’t think you should tell him to work earlier or go later so you can swim. Settling the baby is a different issue.

lifebegins50 · 02/11/2018 07:44

What are your plans for childcare when you go back to work?

PearsOfWisdom · 02/11/2018 07:51

Most of these comments are disregarding the fact that the Op has taken MONTHS out of her well paid career to care for their baby and yet her husband won’t even come home at the normal once a week and work from home in case it affects his job.

That’s not very fair.

Her work has to be completely disrupted for months or even a year. He can’t change his routine for a couple of hours a week. Very selfish .

People can’t expect to become parents and still do what suits them 24/7.

Barbie222 · 02/11/2018 07:59

Sounds like a good plan OP. If you are better paid than a teacher have you thought about a nanny? They might be more flexible in terms of hours as there will always be parents evenings and so on when you are in school later than 6.

TheBitchOfTheVicar · 02/11/2018 08:00

I am  at some of these comments.

I get to school by the skin of my teeth, since childcare limits my leaving time every morning. I teach effectively. How do I manage that, when apparently every teacher needs to be in for a decent length of time in the morning before lessons? I'm just really bloody organised: I make sure all lessons are planned, copying done, books marked, notes written to myself etc, before I leave for the day.

bookwormnerd · 02/11/2018 08:02

He is working normal teaching hours. There is more paper work than just planning. Other teachers will be in at same time. I wouldent say he was not working efficiently. Most teachers will be working once get home till late as well. He will be overlooked for promotion if hes seen to be taking off early and getting in late. There are also meetings which can be before and after school. I would sit down together and see if you can schedule time when he is at home for you where he watches the baby. Teaching you can't really work from home unless you go part time. I understand you may be finding it hard, but if he stays in teaching the hours he is doing are most schools expected. It's a job that eats up alot more hours than people outside the profession expect. My husband is a teacher and was in part of holidays to. Is there anything you can do in evenings once he is home or schedule something for you at weekends

Barbie222 · 02/11/2018 08:05

TheBitchOfTheVicar, so what would happen if you had to leave early, say 3.30?

Barbie222 · 02/11/2018 08:06

Or a meeting 3.30 - 5.45 when nursery closes at 6? I don't have a photocopier st home....

Barbie222 · 02/11/2018 08:06

You just have the flexibility at the other end - not everyone has your working setup either!

Bluntness100 · 02/11/2018 08:11

So you're not going back to work for a few months, and you decided that your swimming in the morning is more important than him working for his promotion. Nice.

How long is a few months? When do you go back?

monkeysox · 02/11/2018 08:11

If dh wants to go pt it's highly unlikely he'd keep any promotion.

HereForTheLineEyes · 02/11/2018 08:15

You've already said you've realised YABU re morning swim. I don't think YABU re bedtime settling. I do think you and your DH need to have an honest, respectful chat around your long term childcare arrangements. Are you planning more children? Will one of you go P/T? Your plan for when you go back to work sounds a bit hectic and vague. I'd get the details thoroughly thrashed out now.

I earned more than my DH at one point, he now earns 3 x more than me. I think your attitude around his job is a bit off. I also think it's perfectly acceptable that the person who is at home more (due to maternity leave or working shorter hours) does more housework.

bookwormnerd · 02/11/2018 08:15

Maybe look at which day he doesnt have meetings scheduled after school and see if he can leave a bit earlier on those days to see if he can do paper work at home. We had some people who would leave 4.00/4.30 due to childcare on days there wasnt scheduled meetings