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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Angry with husband

181 replies

NewMummy0818 · 01/11/2018 22:19

I’m a new mum to a 3 month old. I doing the lions share of looking baby as well as most of the housework and cooking dinners from scratch every night for hubby getting home from work. He’s a teacher and leaves the house at 615am to get in for 7 (school starts at 8), then he works late most evenings as he’s trying to get a promotion. Usually home at 7/8. We had a row this evening as I told him I want to go swimming in the morning so he needs to go to work later. I plan to be at the pool for 6 so he can leave for work at 7. The pool only opens late a few nights a week and he can’t settle baby for bed time routine so that’s out. He thinks I’m being unreasonable asking as it’s not like he’s gallivanting, he’s working. But I honestly think he’s probably pretty inefficient at work and it hasn’t clicked that he has a child he needs to come home and help with.
I’m also concerned that he won’t cope when I go back to work in a few months. One of us needs to do drop offs and the other pickups from nursery, neither of us can do both. I earn double his salary so my Job has to come before his.

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 01/11/2018 22:46

Has he ever spent time looking after your DC on his own, without help from you?

BookMeOnTheSudExpress · 01/11/2018 22:46

You're doing the lion's share presumably because at the moment you're not working and he is.
When dd was little and I was at home while dp was out working for 11 hours a day it wouldn't have crossed my mind that he should start doing housework when he got back.
And trust me, I'm no Stepford martyr.

I also earn more than my dp but your comment about your job taking precedence over his is vile.

geekone · 01/11/2018 22:48

Right

  1. Stop being a martyr and giving him “home cooked meals” at night.
  1. When he comes in hand him the baby once a week minimum and leave. Leave to the pool, the gym the coffee shop whatever but he won’t settle the baby into bed until you let him. I think this is more your issue than his but I doubt he is complaining
  1. Yes you are being unreasonable leaving getting in early is likely important to his job 15 mins is not enough.
  1. Talks to him not us...... so much conflict can be solved by actually talking.

Don’t be a baby martyr OP

YetAnotherThing · 01/11/2018 22:48

Join a gym with a crèche and go during the day?

Athena51 · 01/11/2018 22:49

I earn double his salary so my Job has to come before his.

Well that's going to make him feel valued. Just imagining the reaction to that comment if was the other way around...

RubiksQueen · 01/11/2018 22:50

All this 'ALL teachers have to be at school from 7.45 am to 6pm or they can't do it all' is nonsense.

Some HoDs are crap and pile on the unnecessary work but not all. I know and am related to many teachers and my closest teacher relative works 8-5 so she rarely has to work at home and she is quite vocal about that fact. I've been at a show rehearsal with some teachers tonight too. They came home from work, had dinner and were singing at 7.30 so hardly working 12 hour days!

Being in for that many hours says 'I'm not very good at time management and I also want an excuse to not have to deal with the baby'.

If all the other parents at his school leave at 3.30 then the school has no culture of presenteeism so I'd be more inclined to say he's swinging the lead!

Original poster
NewMummy0818 · 01/11/2018 22:52

Plus re the job importance, we had a discussion about this before we agreed to have a baby. We knew that it’ll be a struggle to both have demanding jobs and often one parent has to take a step back in their career. I have much better earning power and have invested more in my career so it was agreed that he would be the one to step back if needed.

OP posts:
Barbie222 · 01/11/2018 22:58

Step back by working less days, I can understand, but you can't step back by working full time and doing a crap job. I can't really see how you can step back in teaching apart from going part time. So presumably if you support him to get the promotion now he can negotiate his days down later and stay on his higher pay scale?

geekone · 01/11/2018 23:03

I agree you can’t step back and be full time never mind your job and career there are kids to consider and they deserve the best education. Either he goes part time, you do or you get a good nanny or long hour nursery soon.

PyongyangKipperbang · 01/11/2018 23:05

Is he one of those people who think that the best way to promotion is to be "seen to be working" hence the late nights? Bad idea. Ime they are usually the ones who get passed over as it gives the impression of not being able to organise a workload effectively. It looks especially bad if he is the only one staying so late.

Original poster
NewMummy0818 · 01/11/2018 23:05

Barbie - yeah if one of us needs to go part time it would have to be him. There’s no way my company would let me work part time whereas his school are more flexible. But if other parents are able to not be on school premises such a long day, I don’t see why my hubbie can’t make it work either.
Working from home isn’t an issue, both of us will have to do it when the baby goes to bed.

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 01/11/2018 23:07

But I tend to agree that this strikes me as "I dont want to deal with the baby so I will find an excuse to not have to".

PurpleDaisies · 01/11/2018 23:07

No way I’d get in for 8am for an 8.15am start. You’re being unrealistic about what normal teacher hours are.

arethereanyleftatall · 01/11/2018 23:10

Round my way, there's loads of opportunities during the day to do exercise with baby in tow; circuit type stuff in parks with babies sleeping in prams/used as weights if awake, fast walks with babies in slings, water aerobics with baby in flotation aid etc etc the list is endless. Can you just switch your choice of exercise for a while?

TatianaLarina · 01/11/2018 23:25

Pick your fights wisely. It’s not reasonable to prioritise your swimming over his getting to work.

If you think he’s not pulling his weight then address that directly rather than in this passive aggressive manner.

Original poster
NewMummy0818 · 01/11/2018 23:27

After reading all the comments and feedback from teachers I agree that IBU re the mornings. I’ll ask him to start coming home at the time he’ll need to be coming back to do pick up. That way I can go off and do a class and he’s in a good routine for when I start back at work later this year.
He’s an excellent teacher and I know would never lets the kids suffer, it’s the additional shit he’s doing is the issue.
The problem with work is the more times you say yes and do extra work, the more you’re given to do - it doesn’t mean you get a better role, you just run the risk of getting taken for granted which infuriates me.

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 01/11/2018 23:31

There is just a lot of ‘additional shit’ with teaching though.

BewareOfDragons · 01/11/2018 23:32

If my dh told me thst his job was more important than mine because he earn't more (which he does) and that my work had to suffer so he could go swimming I would tell him to get to fuck.

I completely agree with the above. You're latest post suggesting that you'll ask that him come home earlier at the end of his day and do his marking at home is a much better idea.

I would also start looking for a pool/gym with a creche, tbh, or one with better evening hours.

HugeAckmansWife · 01/11/2018 23:35

I teach and am a single mum. The earliest I can drop the kids off is 8 so I get into work with about 20 mins before kick off. Before my divorce me and ex took it in turns to go in early and those days were easier but if you have your basic outline of lessons planned in your head and you're not in your first couple of years it is possible to do a decent job without spending crazy hours. In this situation this might be one of those times when he needs to work smarter, not longer. Also if ops career is going to be more important longer term then surely him seeking promotion is a bit counter-productive to balancing the family / work thing? Having said that, I agree that in this particular situation, there are other options than op having an early swim and those should be explored also. Gym with a creche? Sort the evening end out?

LookingThroughTheLookingGlass · 01/11/2018 23:37

Morning swim is really unrealistic.
All it takes is one of you getting caught in traffic and he is screwed.
Most teachers don’t stop for lunch/ for a wee all day so having time to get in make a drink, prep classroom, wee, probably have some kind of meeting -formal or otherwise, kick/beg the photocopier into action etc etc

Does he have timeout in the week for a hobby??

Swim at the weekend!
Or find somewhere with a crèche?
A grandparent?
Have you tried post natal aerobics??? We liked the babies up in their car seats while we exercised then had an extended swim. After that the babies came in the pool and had a splash- so much fun!
Could hubby and baby have splash time on a wkend morning in the baby pool while you do a proper swim??

I do however agree that he needs to be taking on bedtime duties most nights.

Glasgowbound · 01/11/2018 23:38

I would rather have to leave work early than arrive less that 45 mins before the pupils do. He would probably work more effectively if he had a break from it by leaving work promptly a couple of times a week. But unless he isn't asking you for this, it's unreasonable to blame your cooked from scratch meals on him, standards do need to change with a baby

Maelstrop · 02/11/2018 00:02

He’s working every night til 7? He’s doing something wrong, then. I’m in work at 7.30 for an 8.30 start. I do zero once I’m home and often leave within 30 minutes of the last bell.

He needs to come home early, get the baby settled then you can go out to do whatever.

yumyumpoppycat · 02/11/2018 00:08

Just echoing what others have said. I think you are being very unreasonable to expect him to go into work later - teachers can't be late - he needs a buffer for traffic as mentioned already and time to prep. It wouldn't be unreasonable for him to start doing more in the evening though and getting home earlier.

Glasgowbound · 02/11/2018 00:08

Maelstrop as I'm sure you well know the workload is vastly different depending on what school you find yourself in, what management are promoting this year, what subject you teach, and (as OP says) if you are trying to get a promotion.

yumyumpoppycat · 02/11/2018 00:10

sorry by your dh doing more in the evening I meant being more hands on with baby