Angry with husband

[NewMummy0818]

I’m a new mum to a 3 month old. I doing the lions share of looking baby as well as most of the housework and cooking dinners from scratch every night for hubby getting home from work. He’s a teacher and leaves the house at 615am to get in for 7 (school starts at 8), then he works late most evenings as he’s trying to get a promotion. Usually home at 7/8. We had a row this evening as I told him I want to go swimming in the morning so he needs to go to work later. I plan to be at the pool for 6 so he can leave for work at 7. The pool only opens late a few nights a week and he can’t settle baby for bed time routine so that’s out. He thinks I’m being unreasonable asking as it’s not like he’s gallivanting, he’s working. But I honestly think he’s probably pretty inefficient at work and it hasn’t clicked that he has a child he needs to come home and help with.
I’m also concerned that he won’t cope when I go back to work in a few months. One of us needs to do drop offs and the other pickups from nursery, neither of us can do both. I earn double his salary so my Job has to come before his.

But I honestly think he’s probably pretty inefficient at work and it hasn’t clicked that he has a child he needs to come home and help with.

True, dat.

I think YABU simply because I have a lot of teacher friends who work such long hours , not for any promotions but because they need to be prepared for the class. There's a lot of prep work involved . They don't just teach as well, there's so much pastoral work involved.

I agree he needs to help you out as you need time for yourself before you go crazy , but I think maybe ask him what would be the best time for him at the moment and work from there. Or he needs to discuss his issues at school and make temporary adjustments ??

I really don't think it's on saying your job has to come before his, regardless of salary the job he's doing is an important one.

And please please please don't resent time with your baby - my DDs are now in their 30s and 40s and I would give the world to do it all again! This is precious time - treat it as the privilege that it is.

Where do you get the idea she resents time with her baby? Because she would like to go to a few exercise classes a week? Gosh, I had no idea women were supposed to be chained to their babies 24/7 or they're not 'treating it as the privilege it is'.

Those hours seem ridiculously excessive to be occurring everyday.

^Not at all. These are the norm for the teachers I know

I really don't think it's on saying your job has to come before his, regardless of salary the job he's doing is an important one.

How many times do we see that SHE has to take ALL the holiday/sick days because HE has the BIG ARSE job?

Childcare is shared - she already IS taking a hit through being off on maternity - to deny the effects of maternity leave on a woman's profession is ludicrous.

He has a tiny baby at home, his wife also has a right to expect that he does pick up some of the work and either supports her in a short swim in the mornings or comes home earlier so that she can exercise later on.

My DH is also a teacher and also works these hours. And one whole day on a weekend. Our kids are older, but I still have very little time to go out on an evening as he rarely gets in before 7pm and he will then work until 10pm at home.

I used to work in a school and we had to be there before 8. To set up for the day and arrange cover if someone's phones in sick. Sometimes there'd be an impromptu meeting at 8 -to update staff, important issues regarding students. So I don't think you should be going swimming before he starts work. If he leaves later, he will get stuck in traffic, have to park futher away and has less time to set up his day. Can you go swimming at the weekend's instead? Or join a gym with a creche? Have you considered reducing your hours at work when you return from maternity leave? Your husband won't have the right to have reduced hours but you do because you're returning from maternity leave.

HRTFT but I think your'e perhaps being slightly unreasonable to ask him to leave for work later if he needs to be there.

However, YANBU at all to ask that he's home earlier than 7/8pm and to get a grip and be able to sort out his own child at bedtime (unless you're ebf) so you can go in the evenings. You need to have something for yourself.

@hissy you are right. You see that on here all of the time. It infuriates me! I also have friends in this situation.

When we started a family I made it clear that I wasn't prepared to let my career suffer while DH soared. My DH is 12 years older than me so he was further on in his career than me, he earns double what I earn but we share all responsibilities - including sick days. We need to move away from seeing the value of a career in salary alone.

@EK36 why should SHE be the one to reduce her hours? Everyone has the right to request flexible working and employers have the right to refuse. It's not a right given to you just because you've had a baby.

I’m from a large family of academics and I can assure you, none of them pull these sort of hours on a regular basis. Staying late is reserved for parents nights, faculty meetings, tackling a bulk of UCAS references, marking important assignments/coursework, etc. Most like to be in an hour or so early to get set up and prepped for the day, but they’re out the door between 4-5 pm usually, depending on what they’ve got on.

My mum was always happy to bring marking home with her so that she was at home with us in the evenings. She still brings work home even now when we’re all grown up. I remember swinging my legs from the dining room chair while ‘helping’ her mark - I would use my fluorescent sticky notes to color code what was marked/needed marked/needed another look. I was her very best favourite helper

If other parents are able to leave early, OP, there is absolutely no reason your partner can’t. If he has to bring marking home to tackle after DC’s bedtime, then so be it. I think you guys need to have a serious conversation about how childcare is being divided up when you go back to work ... something tells me he’s in for a bit of a shock! And balls to him not doing his share with DD now! That needs to end pronto!

How many times a week are you hoping to swim? If the pool is open late a few nights a week and the only thing stopping you swimming then is that your DH 'can't settle the baby' then the solution is obvious. He needs to learn how to settle the baby, End of story. Does he expect to never have to settle a baby ever? Does he actually engage in any way with the child? I think to ask to have a few hours a week to get back your core strength and build up your mental and physical stamina is not only acceptable but essential. I don't care what his job is or how demanding it is, you have needs also and they clearly are not being met. I do think though that expecting to swim every single day is a bit unreasonable.

Out of interest, what is the plan when you go back to work? When/how/who is going to be settling your then still baby or toddler? Who will be doing all the housework and cooking? If he can't or won't find the time to do any of this now, how will find it in him to do so when you go back to work? You have said you both realise and accept that your job is the priority job. Does this mean he will be taking up the bulk of the domestic duties? Or any at all?

I agree, the obvious solution is for him to learn how to settle the LO.

Or if he really can't do that, then take the LO out on a weekend morning/afternoon and leave you a few hours to catch a break (this worked better for us than messing about in the week).

I am genuinely shocked by many of these replies.
Being alone with a baby for 12 hours a day is exhausting (and I know single parents have no choice). But you are are not a single parent. Your baby has a father who should be parenting with you.
I know many, many teachers and I do not know any who regularly work these hours.
I also have a job which requires a lot of preparation but when I had children I had to do a lot of it at home in order to be available to them.
He is being selfish and has clearly not adjusted to the fact that having a baby means life has to change.
This is not about him ’allowing’ you to go swimming. YANBU to want some time to yourself - even if it has to be 6am.
You are heading for major issues when you return to work. He has set out his stall already (that he is unavailable for childcare) and you will find yourself taking on the stress of having sole responsibility for sorting it out.
A difficult conversation is long overdue.

I'm sorry but your husband cannot arrive to school 15 minutes before the day starts that's ridiculous! I arrive 45 minutes before every single day, sometimes an hour- you need the extra time

You could probably claw back time at the end of the day. My teaching day finishes at 15:15, I usually stay til about 5 and arrive back home between half 5-6 depending on traffic. I then spend 1 day a week staying later until about 7 and get the majority of my work done then.

You cannot ask him to rock up to school 15 minutes before the day starts that's just too late

And please don't ever make comments like "I earn more money than him" his job is probably just as important, if not more. I know you didn't mean it, but it came across as very pretentious

Fififerry1 I agree with your post. I suspect that despite the talk between OP and her DH before having a baby, the DH deep down doesn't want to be the one dialling down even though it was agreed.

I once was in the position of having the better potential. My career is now screwed because of similar tactics by an ex who dumped the bulk of childcare, house care, etc, on me.

OP, you do need a proper honest talk with your DH about the future and how things are going to work. And he needs to start taking responsibility now, to get into the habit.

^^ it sounds like I am "attacking" you, I'm not.

Your husband is being unreasonable staying that late every single day. He should finish late 1 day a week and the rest at around 5pm. Most schools are finished by half 3 at the latest, so at the minimum he has an hour and half to get work done every single evening- that's plenty. He could even bring some work home to do whilst looking after your baby

My main point is that you cannot expect him to arrive 15 minutes before the day starts, its just too late

OP, I think having a swim at the moment is the least of your worries.

Have you both not arranged and agreed on childcare for when you go back to work in a few months? You say you are worried. If he has to leave for work at 6 and doesn’t get home until 7/8 who is doing drop offs and pick ups?

I can see both sides of this, but at present if you’re wanting him to leave later for you to swim, sorry YABU. He’s not necessarily inefficient - teaching doesn’t start when the bell rings! He will need to set up the classroom, etc. Ten minutes or so isn’t long enough for that. What if traffic is bad, etc?

If you’re earning double his salary, and he is a teacher, you’re on a pretty decent income between you. Pay for a nanny or child minder to take your little one to nursery. We’ve had to do this in the past for similar reasons.
The way your post is worded makes it sounds like neither of you are hugely supportive of each other. You need to both be more pragmatic, and perhaps pay for extra childcare to enable you both to continue working and progress your careers.

@Hissy I totally agree with your post, her DH should 100% be taking more responsibility for their DC and that will have to be discussed but the op should never judge anyone's job value on their salary

Do NOT for one second consider going PT or compromising your earning potential for this person at all. He's very entitled and trying to check out of parenting. Just nope, nope, nope. It's never a good idea to compromise your job when you're with a person like this.

You need to sit down and make it clear that he needs to step up. He's a parent now.

I agree Hissy.

Do NOT for one second consider going PT or compromising your earning potential for this person at all.
The OP is expecting her husband to compromise his potential though? The reality is that if he does want a promotion, he does need to be at school early and stay late.
They both need to compromise or pay for additional wraparound care.

It is possible for both of parents to have successful careers. It does mean BOTH parents need to step up to their parenting responsibilities though. We need to move away from the default solution being the woman goes part time.