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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I need to have a difficult conversation with a colleague today.

545 replies

TheWifeofRequirement · 01/11/2018 07:58

I’m 6 months into a role where I’m an expert in charge of a team of slightly junior experts.

My colleague used to be a junior expert under another ‘head of’ who had the role before me, but before I was given the job my colleague took a sideways step into a facilitation role which, although requires him to have some knowledge of my area, no longer requires him to get involved in the day to day.

Anyway, since I started, this colleague has struggled to maintain distance from the specialism and is dictating to me how to do said specialism on a daily basis.

It all came to a head over the last 2 days. He asked me to proof read an email and give feedback before it went to a client. I read it, and asked him to make a minor change because he was promising something in the email I’m not prepared to deliver. It was a minor thing: basically he promised to report to them daily which would be untenable from a commercial perspective and would put pressure on my team for no additional benefit. I asked him to change this to weekly reports and adhoc check ins with the client, he argued back and I clarified that as it’s my team delivering this, it will be weekly not daily.

He sent the email promising daily reporting.

I feel patronised, undermined and really bloody cross.

His role is to facilitate, not to dictate to me how to do my job and I’m now going to have to phrase this in a way that’s diplomatic and I’m struggling.

WIBU to basically tell him to back the fuck off and let me do my job? If so, how on earth do I phrase this??

OP posts:
RandomMess · 07/11/2018 11:43

That's great, I hope OD no longer oversteps the mark.

Iterate to your team that ALL requests etc must come through the formal channels and any others MUST be reported to you so that you can review any potential weaknesses in the current procedures Wink

holey · 07/11/2018 11:53

So proud of you OP! Haven't commented yet as everything I wanted to say has already been said but I've been refreshing this thread like a madwoman for the last 24 hours. I so wish I worked with you! Because you're lovely and also so I could bitch loudly about OD in one of those ways that everyone but him would know who I was talking about Grin

CoraPirbright · 07/11/2018 12:00

OP you played an absolute blinder. Massively well done!

Willow2017 · 07/11/2018 12:01

Wife
You didnt just find your lady balls you found beachball sized lady balls Grin

Well done, he now knows you and your manager know he isnt complying with new proceedures and needs to get his head out of his arse and comply and stop being a manipulative, egotistical, misogynist git
I second making your team aware that they need to pass everything by you before jumping to someone elses tune.

Congratulations you did it Grin

TheWifeofRequirement · 07/11/2018 12:15

I’ve got a big meeting today I’d usually be really worried about, but I’m currently sat in a Wetherspoons in central London on my own with a pot of tea, refusing to get myself worked up about it. I’m going to finish my tea and settle my brain down, then I’m off to smash it Grin

I’m liking the new found lady balls, I feel like they’ve taken their time showing up Hmm

OP posts:
justilou1 · 07/11/2018 12:20

He's going to be diarising every perceived misdemeanour from now on.... Every single time you say "Just let me stop you there".... He's going to quote you. (Or us.....)
Congratulations, Wife! I hope you kick arse in the next meeting, too!

twoshedsjackson · 07/11/2018 12:30

I'm so pleased this worked out so well; I'm catching up today with a list of jobs that got put off yesterday, because I kept wandering back for an update......doubtless, If I were in your team, you'd be ticking me off for that!
I can't believe the gall of the man, scampering off to your boss immediately after being set straight! But your boss obviously knows the score......
When you next have a training session with your team, include "I just have you stop you there" as a mantra, and also "I'd better run that past The Wife".
Another one they might find useful is "Can I have that in writing, please?". He knows full well that he's not following policy, and won't want to leave evidence.
Enjoy your cuppa, I salute you in my turn with mine, and all the best for the coming meeting!

Hissy · 07/11/2018 12:30

ladyballs Earrings... that's what we need Grin

Huge well done from me, you really rock love!

TheWifeofRequirement · 07/11/2018 12:34

YES to ladyball earrings.

OP posts:
UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 07/11/2018 13:06

I think a good comeuppance thread is better than sex.

OP please WATCH YOUR BACK. This won't be the end of it from his perspective. Be vigilant!

StormTreader · 07/11/2018 13:21

He then stormed over to my desk to ask me something completely inane and basic, but finished the question with ‘an I allowed to ask that now?’
I replied ‘of course, if anything from the training session was u clear let me know and we can go back over it’

Love it! Now you can stop him mid-inane question and say "hmm this was covered in our recent training, did you not understand it? We can schedule another (3 hour) slot to repeat it if you're struggling with the new process still".

EmeraldVillage · 07/11/2018 13:27

Well done OP

One important point though - you mention “ok to be rude”. I can’t stress enough you’re not being rude, you’re being assertive. It might not feel like that because as a female you’ve been socialised to be nice and that anything not nice therefore = rude. But I strongly recommend you get away from that idea if you want to succeed whilst dealing with fuckwits (there will be more) whilst still liking yourself.

MulticolourMophead · 07/11/2018 14:11

Lovely update, OP, but agree with others to watch your back.

The way he went straight to your boss to complain strongly suggests he's not going to give up easily.

Do brief your team to run requests (from him and anyone else) past you first.

steppemum · 07/11/2018 14:12

OP- I saw this thread at the beginning and have just come back to read the rest - you are awesome!

I think your manager is awesome too, he passed it back to you to deal with, hoping you would step up and learn how to do it, and you have made him proud!

Good for you.
and it's not rude - clear, assertive and in charge.
nothing wrong with a please/thank you, no need for a 'sorry'

picklemepumpkin · 07/11/2018 14:16

Definitely get your team to practice 'I'll just stop you there' and 'I'm going to run this past...' whenever anyone tries to circumvent the system.

Also, 'now, have we been through this already?' And 'shall I send you the PowerPoint for you to refer to' and 'will you be able to remember that do you think?'

All in a relaxed, non emotional tone.

Does he have any phrases he use to impose on people? Copy them and use them on him!

Puzzledandpissedoff · 07/11/2018 14:21

I think your manager is awesome too, he passed it back to you to deal with, hoping you would step up and learn how to do it, and you have made him proud!

I agree, and without doubt OP's done exactly the right thing and secured an excellent outcome

However a bit of back-watching is probably advisable - given the silly little tantrum and the immediate inclination to "go running to teacher", I doubt the colleague will let this drop and every tiny perceived "mistake" will no doubt be faithfully recorded

Happily, I'm sure the manager's confidence will be rewarded and that you'll deal with this too, just as well as you have with the rest

Jux · 07/11/2018 15:46

Fab! Are they ladyballs though, or are they Ovaries? Whatever they are, hang on to them Grin

Watch your back. If you do have to have further words with him, can you email him to confirm what was said? 'Further to our conversation this afternoon, this is to confirm that your request for clarification on x is as follows....etc'.

RainbowsArePretty · 07/11/2018 16:29

Great update SmileCakeStarGinHaloWineBrew

ThinkOfAWittyNameLater · 07/11/2018 17:08

I LOVE THIS THREAD!

Sitting here with a Cheshire-cat smile on my face. Well played.

On a related note, are ovaries actually larger than testes? I'm thinking about averages, obv.

ThinkOfAWittyNameLater · 07/11/2018 17:11

Update from google: on average testes are larger than ovaries

ButterflyWitch · 07/11/2018 17:37

Fabulous update, well done OP

EarlyModernParent · 07/11/2018 17:51

Just don't offer BabyTwat a 'team-building exercise'! (google that plus Flight of the Conchords...

Furble · 07/11/2018 19:40

Just RTFT well done OP! Proud for you, you’ve handled the whole thing beautifully!

ICouldBeSomebodyYouKnow · 07/11/2018 20:23

Fistbumps TheWife

Is this in Classics yet?

KitKat1985 · 07/11/2018 20:34

I replied ‘of course, if anything from the training session was u clear let me know and we can go back over it’

You fucking rock OP!