I need to have a difficult conversation with a colleague today.

[TheWifeofRequirement]

I’m 6 months into a role where I’m an expert in charge of a team of slightly junior experts.

My colleague used to be a junior expert under another ‘head of’ who had the role before me, but before I was given the job my colleague took a sideways step into a facilitation role which, although requires him to have some knowledge of my area, no longer requires him to get involved in the day to day.

Anyway, since I started, this colleague has struggled to maintain distance from the specialism and is dictating to me how to do said specialism on a daily basis.

It all came to a head over the last 2 days. He asked me to proof read an email and give feedback before it went to a client. I read it, and asked him to make a minor change because he was promising something in the email I’m not prepared to deliver. It was a minor thing: basically he promised to report to them daily which would be untenable from a commercial perspective and would put pressure on my team for no additional benefit. I asked him to change this to weekly reports and adhoc check ins with the client, he argued back and I clarified that as it’s my team delivering this, it will be weekly not daily.

He sent the email promising daily reporting.

I feel patronised, undermined and really bloody cross.

His role is to facilitate, not to dictate to me how to do my job and I’m now going to have to phrase this in a way that’s diplomatic and I’m struggling.

WIBU to basically tell him to back the fuck off and let me do my job? If so, how on earth do I phrase this??

Not father-gather

I asked myself the ‘if I was a man’ question and also ‘if I was older’ too.

To the PP who asked, yes, if he hadn’t moved sideways I’d now be his manager and I do think he’s regretting not going for my job. Not my problem though.

Daily reporting isn’t important to him really, it’s just ‘how he would do it’ if he was managing the account in his previous role. Back then, we had A LOT more resource and I think he was bored, hence all the clients he’s worked with are massively over services and commercially no longer viable. Part of my role is to strip this back into line. In 6 months, we’re now profitable again and a large part of that was him moving away. He’s the guy who writes a 7 paragraph email to a client who just asked for a quick progress update. He’s that guy.

You can do this OP. I wouldn't even ask him why he checks your work or why he ignored your suggestion. You are in charge. Tell him, there is absolutely no need for him to be checking your work and if he has time to do that then maybe you need to look at his role and why he has so much free time.

Ignoring your request to report back weekly + ad hoc is not acceptable. He has promised something the team is unable to deliver on. Maybe all that free time could be used by him to report daily or would he prefer to go back to the client and apologise for the error?

Any attempt by him to derail or excuse his behaviour should be met with something to say we aren't here to discuss that or we'll I am clarifying that this is what I want done.

Kick his arse.

Yes, don't be too nice and talk about "stumbling blocks". He doesn't respect you and won't be any more likely to if you talk about working it out together. He needs to back off and you need to nip this behaviour of his in the bud - if you can. This type of person doesn't usually respond to " nice". I'm sorry OP, what a horrible situation.

Said far better by TheMobile above

Why is the daily reporting so important to him?

It isn't. What is important to him is having 'one over' on the op and trying to show her that he has big testicals.

And as for the PP who said "ask him why he did it."

Why? Hes not a 5 year old boy who's thoughts and feelings we need to pick apart.
He's a difficult man-child deliberately undermining the OP because his ego needs stroking and he needs to realise his place and stop being a bellend.

*Testicles

You are a Manager in charge of colleagues. I find it a bit strange that you are discussing this on Mumsnet. This would indicate to me that you are not capable of doing this job if you need to get advice on here? It’s not where I would expect a MANAGER to seek advice on dealing with their staff.
Grow a pair springs to mind....

Tackle it head on.
Say to him 'my understanding is that your role is to facilitate and mine is to deliver, can you clarify why you over promised to this client?' then be silent. Be really brief with your answers.
Tell him that going forward you expect XYZ and follow it up on an email.

It's the sexism that's your underlying problem here.

I would call him and tell him that you said daily, not weekly, and then I would tell him that you're going to write to the client to clarify (I'd phone the client first to explain there's been some misunderstanding).

No debate, no nicey nicey relationship management. Meet him head on.

Would this help?

www.thestar.com/news/insight/opinion/2018/10/13/im-a-woman-who-imitated-the-swagger-of-an-entitled-white-male-and-it-got-results.html?fbclid=IwAR1jMPCRUS5zxHUNU01KIQMekZnCRiyeGK80bMXRecr8B7u2JTSNuVpC5dA&fbclid=IwAR1QefqXJvsb8tmbBmM0wJoZOypQPvtb7c1te5AuUx_i2cqEbknjTCbxyw0

chucky I’m inclined to agree not ont he manager thing, I’m bloody good at that but I’m not cut out for this, no. I thought that was obvious?

Chucky people ask for advice on parenting on here. Does that mean they aren't up to the job of being a parent?

What a fucking stupid post. Seriously.

Off the back of his email, I’d reply asking why he agreed to daily reporting when you can only deliver weekly. Ask if you hadn’t made yourself clear etc. Cc in his manager. Essentially give him the rope to hang himself with.

This.

Get this in writing and keep it factual and objective. This guy is already a problem for you so you need to maintain an audit trail and document everything. Even if you have a chat with him, always follow up with an email saying "as we just discussed, we agreed that you will tell the client we will supply weekly reports to them". You need to evidence everything.

Raise your written concern to him (and cc his manager) that he made a commitment to a client that was in direct opposition to what you told him was possible but he still went ahead despite you asking him not to. You can then soften and say "perhaps this was an oversight but how can we prevent oversights like this happening again?". Clearly state the impact on your team i.e. that they are now doing extra work for absolutely no value add and that the only other option is to speak to the client and explain that 'annoying moron' made a commitment to them that he was not authorised to make.

You sound like you are being very nice OP. Too nice. He is a work CF. You need to exert your authority over him. If he doesn't respond, then escalate to management.

And whatever you do, do not use phrases like "I feel like we're hitting stumbling blocks". This is business. It's not about feelings. Stop trying to soften what you're saying. You take away your own power doing this. Same with using "stumbling blocks". This isn't a f*ing stumbling block. He made a commitment to a client that you explicitly asked him not to. You need to say that! i.e. "Why did you tell Client A we will send daily reports when we can only send weekly? It is not your job to send the reports and you are not authorised to make that commitment. I am".

Don't end up doing the daily reporting (or letting him do it) - he needs to correct his error of over-promising the client. Make him take responsibility for going back to the client with the revised weekly report schedule.

I like your points about having streamlined the processes for more efficiency. There's your answer. If you make it about why he wanted daily reporting he'll say because it is part of providing the right level of service to the client and why can't you manage your team to deliver this service, why are they being lazy etc.

So you need to make it clear that it's about you running the process and taking final decisions on what deliverables he can send to clients.

As above tho, I'd start by saying you noted he'd made a mistake in the email and please could he correct it with the client and make sure it doesn't happen again. This is the process, I am Mrs DeWinter now, and so on.

Your manager had told he expects you to sort it out. Take that as a benediction to do what you think is best.

Don’t say ‘you asked for my feedback on the email and ignored me.’ Say ‘I instructed you to change the email but you didn’t; you have now over-promised resources to the client, which was avoidable. I have discussed this with Manager, and I am required to take charge here and ensure this doesn’t happen again.’

Atta girl. You can do this

I am with your manager here, I would expect my direct reports to sort out the issues between them and then escalate if still an issue.
I wouldn't try to sugar coat it tell him straight he has mis-sold something & it needs to be rectified. They clarify the role division.

Don't make it about his opinion of you - just be calm and cool.

Another good assertiveness thing is to go in the toilets and stand with arms up like if you're doing a star jump. One notch up from shoulders back! Hold it for 2 mins and repeat a mantra ... it's silly but I quite enjoy "I am a senior bitch!!" Good luck!

Yep think like a man not a woman. You don’t need clarity of roles, it’s clear, that’s your job not his.

A short conversation which goes:

I clearly instructed you to amend that email to offer weekly reporting, our team will not be fulfilling daily reporting, unfortunately you will now need to facilitate changing that mistake with your client.

Please respect that the decisions I make for my team stand and focus on your own area.

End of conversation. Don’t get drawn in. Don’t apologise.

Managers don’t get to have friends. Nicely nicely with this type just draws you in and allows them to undermine. Clear boundaries are actually more helpful.

Watch Boundaries on the way in:

In my industry (which is admittedly quite aggressive), the 'big conversation' wouldn't get me far. I'd simply setup a weekly reporting schedule with him - a meeting or a guaranteed written status report - and leave him to worry about how to manage daily reports to the client. I'd also anticipate that he'd get in touch directly with my team members to ask about status so I'd also coach my team on handle interruptions if that occurs.

Check who else is in the toilets first .

I agree with being straight with him. You said clearly you wouldn’t do daily reporting, it’s now up to him to square that with what he told client.
After that a more general roles and responsibilities discussion may be needed. Who does what. You can draft something out and he can disagree if he needs to. You need to take the lead otherwise he will continue to bully you here.

Off the back of his email, I’d reply asking why he agreed to daily reporting when you can only deliver weekly. Ask if you hadn’t made yourself clear etc. Cc in his manager. Essentially give him the rope to hang himself with.

Another vote for this. I think ccing in your manager is fine as it's relevant to him too.