I need to have a difficult conversation with a colleague today.

[TheWifeofRequirement]

I’m 6 months into a role where I’m an expert in charge of a team of slightly junior experts.

My colleague used to be a junior expert under another ‘head of’ who had the role before me, but before I was given the job my colleague took a sideways step into a facilitation role which, although requires him to have some knowledge of my area, no longer requires him to get involved in the day to day.

Anyway, since I started, this colleague has struggled to maintain distance from the specialism and is dictating to me how to do said specialism on a daily basis.

It all came to a head over the last 2 days. He asked me to proof read an email and give feedback before it went to a client. I read it, and asked him to make a minor change because he was promising something in the email I’m not prepared to deliver. It was a minor thing: basically he promised to report to them daily which would be untenable from a commercial perspective and would put pressure on my team for no additional benefit. I asked him to change this to weekly reports and adhoc check ins with the client, he argued back and I clarified that as it’s my team delivering this, it will be weekly not daily.

He sent the email promising daily reporting.

I feel patronised, undermined and really bloody cross.

His role is to facilitate, not to dictate to me how to do my job and I’m now going to have to phrase this in a way that’s diplomatic and I’m struggling.

WIBU to basically tell him to back the fuck off and let me do my job? If so, how on earth do I phrase this??

I would take the heat out of it by coming at it from an angle of 'role clarity'.

So not 'stop being an officious dick' but 'we need to work together to gain clarity of role because it's not working quite as well as it should yet'.

Ask him why he made that promise. Could you tell him as he made the promise then he has to deliver the daily updates as you will only do a weekly update.
I would be factual and cool. Don’t use any emotive language.

I thought that crooked. I’m thinking:

Hi OD (officious dick), I’ve called because I’d like us to just get some clarity on our roles, and work out a better way to work together because at the moment, I feel like we’re hitting stumbling blocks’

Then I might ask him ‘why do you think this is?’.. you never know, he might think I’m
Incompetent and doesn’t feel he can ‘let go’ for that reason?

That gives me a chance to say ‘ok thanks for the feedback, I’d like to highlight a couple of things I’ve noticed which I think are symptoms of what we’re talking about’ and then launch into my —many— examples..

Ok, but then you'll need to move quickly to a 'solution' conversation or you'll just end up whining about past events (in his eyes).

But he HAS to feel part of it or he'll mix against it. Why don't we think of 3 ways we can do x differently? How do you suggest we do x instead? If I take care of x that means you'll have more time to do y?

Kick! Not mix 

He went against what you specifically told him to put, and promised resources which are not there. I'd have a quiet word with his manager and tell them you will be raising this with him as per above pps - but I'd want management backup too.

Fucker.

I wouldn't go down the clarity route.

He's behaved inappropriately and you need to clearly and concisely challenge him on it.

Call him (although f2f better) and say "i appreciate you requesting my feedback was there a reason why you ignored it".

Then you talk about clarity of roles and boundaries.

Problem is, he’s got my back up anyway because we were out for drinks the other night talking about office romances and about a male colleague he said ‘yeah he seems to get right in there whenever there’s a new bird in the office’ - I nearly bit my tongue so hard it bled.

He’s also been through my work checking for errors/ stuff not done, never found anything and then tried to make out he was going through it to ‘help because I know how much pressure you’re under’

Oh god, I’m going to really struggle to remain objective and I bloody hate confrontation I’ve been doing some work on not apologising, but I’m going to end up apologising for raising it I just know it

Why do people do this shit??

I would sort the daily issue first with managers or you will look like you’re failing, and then tackle wider issues after that

Agree with pp that you need to tackle him ignoring your direct instructions first, then have a conversation about moving forwards.

I should mention, I highlighted the issue to my manager (and his) yesterday evening after he sent the email, and my manager said ‘this is part of running the channel, I’m not here to police your relationship with OD. Pick up the phone and talk to him and if it reaches a point where you can’t mediate yourselves, I’ll do it for you but I’m really expecting you to be able to sort this out’

I felt a bit taken aback by that and a bit unsupported, although he did clarify he agreed with me that these things are my decision not OD’s. I’ve never raised an issue with a colleague with my manager before, so I don’t feel like I can go to him and ask his advice after his reaction. Hence why I’m on Mumsnet

Yes, speak to their manager first about the daily report thing (I’d be furious about that btw) then I think you have an assertive ‘I want to clarify a couple of things....’ convo with him.

1. You asked for feedback, I gave a very definitive request for a change and you did not do it. Why?

1. Why are you checking my work? Do you not have enough to do? Shall we have a joint meeting with your manager to discuss the parameters your role?

Even if he thinks you are incompetent he won’t say it to your face and a chat won’t change his opinion.

Personally I would reply all and correct his email with an “apologies officious dick has made a typo below it should read x” to the client.
Then have the conversation about clarifying roles first thing (which would basically be me saying this is my job not yours back off “help me understand” )

You clearly told this guy once a week and he’s basically said “ that’s nice, fuck you ”.
It depends on the office but in my industry my experience of this kind of thing is that polite chats about “stumbling blocks” doesn’t cut it. You need to be very firm and demonstrate you mean business or he’ll be pissing on your chips from here to kingdom come.

Off the back of his email, I’d reply asking why he agreed to daily reporting when you can only deliver weekly. Ask if you hadn’t made yourself clear etc. Cc in his manager. Essentially give him the rope to hang himself with.

Do not apologise!

I would say leave the sneaky fucker stuff aside while you deal with the practical solution to the problem. You need to push back at him and see if he'll fuck off. I certainly wouldn't pass it to management without even taking a pass at a conversation first. Then you'll look like you need his 'help'.

Oh, cross posted with your update. Just dive right in and set your boundaries then. The manager has just given you free rein to do so.

Ah, cross post. So it's a pissing contest you've got to win then.

Look, he doesn't care about your feelings so you're not obliged to protect his. Your choice is: tame him by getting him on side, or come out swinging.

He's a sexist dick and he's trying to undermine you imo. If he hadn't moved sideways, would you now be his manager? Might he be a bit miffed, because you're now in a role he fancied for himself?

I think a discussion about boundaries would be entirely appropriate. He has no business making commitments that your team will have to deliver without your prior appoval. I'd have the chat and make it about getting some clarity about where your respective responsibilities lie and checking that such promises are deliverable, something that only you will know.

I'd also run the issue past my own manager first, but then I spent most of my working life in local government where the unwritten first line of any job description is "Cover your arse". You don't want to be in a place where he can paint you as difficult, obstructive or unco-operative.

I bet he feels threatened by your success. And sexist men who feel threatened by successful women can be bloody devious and dangerous.

I’ve tried getting him on side for the last 8 weeks (8 weeks ago we had the work checking issue which I think was a lack of confidence in me more than anything) but it hasn’t helped. Dick swinging it is

I’m not cut out for this.

Why is the daily reporting so important to him?

Sorry, OP, our posts crossed in the ether.

Your arse appears to be covered, although perhaps not in the most supportive way!

Just seen the update
senior management probably know he is an OD but are expecting you to be a manager /manage this (which is actually fair enough) then you need to not pussy foot about and tackle this head on now or it will only escalate

I would def sent an email correcting it to the client and if he wants to kick off let him and have it out.

I’d also get in writing his job spec and yours and send an “as discussed” email about roles and responsibilities post “chat” so everyone is clear

Ok so you need to be assertive here, don't be afraid to tackle this head on. He is undermining you, don't tip toe around him. Your boss sounds irritated that they may have to step in and resolve this issue and the bottom line (I'm afraid to say) is that your colleague has absolutely no respect for you, or your authority. This alone, would piss me right off. Would he do the same if you were a man? Probably not.

Push back the daily reporting to him - "as per my feedback, daily reporting is unnecessary for the client and additional burden for my team for no benefit, so I need you to go back to the client with the corrected information regarding a weekly report".

Don't let him railroad you into jumping through his hoops - it's his error to correct, not yours to try to live up to.

Yes you are cut out for this-father yourself up,go practice what you’re going today to him in the mirror.Stand for five minutes with your feet shoulder width apart,your head high and shoulders back,this has been proven to influence how in control you feel.Once you have done this,walk to him directly,tell him directly that he disregarded your orders,that it not his place,is bad for the client as he has now made promises which won’t be kept,and that he must not do it again in future.Give him no opportunity for argument,you are in charge.