I need to have a difficult conversation with a colleague today.

[TheWifeofRequirement]

I’m 6 months into a role where I’m an expert in charge of a team of slightly junior experts.

My colleague used to be a junior expert under another ‘head of’ who had the role before me, but before I was given the job my colleague took a sideways step into a facilitation role which, although requires him to have some knowledge of my area, no longer requires him to get involved in the day to day.

Anyway, since I started, this colleague has struggled to maintain distance from the specialism and is dictating to me how to do said specialism on a daily basis.

It all came to a head over the last 2 days. He asked me to proof read an email and give feedback before it went to a client. I read it, and asked him to make a minor change because he was promising something in the email I’m not prepared to deliver. It was a minor thing: basically he promised to report to them daily which would be untenable from a commercial perspective and would put pressure on my team for no additional benefit. I asked him to change this to weekly reports and adhoc check ins with the client, he argued back and I clarified that as it’s my team delivering this, it will be weekly not daily.

He sent the email promising daily reporting.

I feel patronised, undermined and really bloody cross.

His role is to facilitate, not to dictate to me how to do my job and I’m now going to have to phrase this in a way that’s diplomatic and I’m struggling.

WIBU to basically tell him to back the fuck off and let me do my job? If so, how on earth do I phrase this??

OP I would suggest you follow up with an email to confirm your discussion with him this morning.

Make sure you include that you've agreed he will email the client, his role & responsibility has been clarified and that there is no requirement for him to be involved in checking work that falls under your remit.

Cover yourself and act as if the issue is resolved. If he continues to play up you have the attached email to confirm the summary of your discussion and ask his manager to stop him interfering.

Agree with all the posts saying stick to the firm, no-nonsense, laying it on the line approach. No room for arguments, undermining or weaselling - just brief, firm and giving the underlying message "don't you fucking dare mess with me you willy-waving misogynist arsehole" ( - or "shart goblin" as another MNer memory described her misogynist officious prick office junior).

Don't have a willy-waving or pissing contest - that suggests there is a contest to have, there isn't, you're senior and he fucked up. Overrule him with the authority of your ovaries of steel. Channel those kick-ass, stratospherically senior female bosses in police and spy dramas. Perfect your "Frankly it's so distasteful that I even have to address this" face. Book (or make up) an urgent appointment after talking to him so that it doesn't drag on and you clearly have better things to do.

You pull him up on each infringement. He's a twerp and he was saying that he thinks things might be slipping to keep the upper hand when he fucked up. You won that round. Don't take any shit and make sure you put your decisions in writing. Cover your arse.

You have achieved something. You've got him to agree to send a backtrack email to the client. Make sure you see a copy of the email by lunchtime.

I think you're going to have an ongoing power struggle with him. So you're going to have to keep being assertive. Don't let the little digs slide.

Keep a note of instances so that, if necessary, you can have a 'clear the air' meeting with him a month and give concrete examples of where he has undermined you unprofessionally.

You should probably back down op, it's only a matter of time and he'll be managing you.

suttree

What utter nonsense.

Actually I'd compile a timeline for him 'stepping away' (include the weeks that have already passed) and then send it to him and your/his manager.
Explain the current lack of clarity is impacting on deliverables, process and team moral so you want a clear handover of responsibility to ensure everyone has the same understanding of their roles etc.
Be prepared for the manager coming back and saying they have asked him to stay more involved. Because he may just be an arse or the manager could be being disingenuous. Your manager's reluctance to get involved would make me question how transparent he is being. But an email to everyone involved should throw it out into the open.

It has achieved something - he's rolling it back with the client. He had to back down.

Now he was nasty and rather unprofessional, but you fought for your team and yourself here successfully.

Op, you're not going to win this guy round, so be vigilant and cover your arse all the time where he's concerned. Make sure you follow up with email and well done. No crying.

Well done for what you've said to him so far. Keep doing it and he will eventually get the message (and his dick off your table).

good on you for pushing back. Watch your back, he obviously wants your job.

Follow-up email, all the way.

He thinks things MIGHT start to slide? Fuck that. Maybe state in your email to him (ccing in manager) that you were of course most concerned to hear that he has concerns about this and that of course he should contact you immediately if he has more concerns in future, and that OF COURSE you're sure you'll be able to resolve any concerns he might have. Of course. Patronise him right the fuck back.

Oops hadn't seen you've already talked to him.

OP I'm not in a managerial post, I'm self-employed but regularly have dealings with men like this. They can't handle that I have the job they want and always try to undermine and willy-wave.

You did well, you told him what's what and he had a babyish whine. If he has a concern, he can put it to you as a respectful suggestion or idea, but it doesn't give him the right to ignore your decisions.

Keep your end up and DON'T let him get to you, that's what he's aiming for.

Do what senua says and then just get on with it, if you can. Carry on with your own job and if he encroaches on your territory again, ask him if he hasn't some work of his own to be getting on with as he shouldn't have the time to be interfering in your domain.
(I'm just waffling here really as it's a long time since I was in the work-place and was never in a managerial position. Sorry, not much help.)

BloobCurdling Overrule him with the authority of your ovaries of steel.

Love this

What utter nonsense. - it's not, situations where people have superior knowledge of the job to their management never end well. And a lot of the posters on this thread know it. That's why op is getting a lot of advice about covering her arse and remaining vigilant, I.e ensuring that the buck for any errors are passed on to her "facilitator"

Do NOT CC your Manager. He’s already told you he doesn’t want to hear about it unless you can’t resolve it yourself. He didn’t ask for updates.

You did well, but then came a bit undone. That was your cue to say ‘It’s unfortunate that despite saying you do, you clealy don’t have any confidence in me, but that’s fine, you don’t need to. I do & management does. So, now if you’d just remember that I am in x role, not you, I’m sure we can avoid any more of these situations where I’m required to speak to you about you over stepping.

...and DON’T thank the Bellend for his time. You are reprimanding a Junior, keep that in mind. If Management thought he would be good in the role they’d have suggested applying for it, if he wanted your job he should have applied for it. He didn’t. You did. It’s a SENIOR role, remember that.

You should probably back down op, it's only a matter of time and he'll be managing you.

In. His. Dreams.

This man over-promised/over-serviced and ended up with an unprofitable client list because he isn't any good at that part of the job. He thinks he knows it all and belittles the OP's actions that she has to take (e.g. weekly not daily reporting) to make the bottom line actually work. That's easy enough to do from where he's standing, but he'd be shit at OP's job.

And yes I know that hasn't stopped millions of incompetent men being promoted over competent women, but we all owe it to each other to resist that process.

don't faff about with this. Reply saying

'Have noticed you have promised daily updates with client. As discussed, this will not be possible. Please clarify this with client, apologise for the mistake and forward response to me by the end of the day.'

CC in his manager and yours if you wish. No need for long boring discussions, just make your point known, put your foot down and make sure it's all in writing.

Suttree if he had superior knowledge he would have been given the promoted post. He didn't. He's already proving himself awkward and willing to sacrifice the company's reputation rather than take instruction from the OP. He's unprofessional and not a team player.

Oh sorry didn't rtft. Good for you. When staff start whining about your performance as a manager just say 'let me assure you that I have the matter in hand.' No explanations or anything else.

Jessica there’s no need to schedule a ‘stepping away’ timeline. He has moved from one junior role to another junior role. There is nothing to ‘step away’ from.

I have superior knowledge in this situation, that’s not in question.

Also there are plenty of work situations where someone has more knowledge or skill of a specific area or task than their manager. Their manager/senior's job is to make sure the whole system works and meets the brief/remains profitable. If she doesn't have her authority respected on that, then they can't make money.

In my industry lots of creative, highly skilled, knowledgeable, know-it-all types HAVE to work to boundaries and limits set by management or they wouldn't have a job at all. Yes you can discuss, you can contribute ideas but you can't just ignore what's required because you think you know better.

I liked Piffpaffpoff's suggestion. I know things have moved on since then, but I think you can still use the 'Do you not have enough to do? Shall we have a joint meeting with your manager to discuss the parameters your role?' line, if he's got the time to 'notice things’ that make him feel like things ‘might’ start to slide. And definitely make clear that you will involve his manager.

Frankly I’m surprised you have reached a certain level of management and still have no idea how to have a difficult conversation with a colleague.