I need to have a difficult conversation with a colleague today.

[TheWifeofRequirement]

I’m 6 months into a role where I’m an expert in charge of a team of slightly junior experts.

My colleague used to be a junior expert under another ‘head of’ who had the role before me, but before I was given the job my colleague took a sideways step into a facilitation role which, although requires him to have some knowledge of my area, no longer requires him to get involved in the day to day.

Anyway, since I started, this colleague has struggled to maintain distance from the specialism and is dictating to me how to do said specialism on a daily basis.

It all came to a head over the last 2 days. He asked me to proof read an email and give feedback before it went to a client. I read it, and asked him to make a minor change because he was promising something in the email I’m not prepared to deliver. It was a minor thing: basically he promised to report to them daily which would be untenable from a commercial perspective and would put pressure on my team for no additional benefit. I asked him to change this to weekly reports and adhoc check ins with the client, he argued back and I clarified that as it’s my team delivering this, it will be weekly not daily.

He sent the email promising daily reporting.

I feel patronised, undermined and really bloody cross.

His role is to facilitate, not to dictate to me how to do my job and I’m now going to have to phrase this in a way that’s diplomatic and I’m struggling.

WIBU to basically tell him to back the fuck off and let me do my job? If so, how on earth do I phrase this??

I've just checked the talk guidelines, no where does it say you have to agree with posters.

And no one says you're breaking the talk guidelines! Just being deliberately annoying and unhelpful.

Your comeback reminds me of my argumentative 8-year-old. Are you the OP's colleague?

Cos he's got a willy and he has to wave it around, but you have the authority, he's an idiot or control,freak
Ignore what you can, communicate formally in writing and copy your manager only when you need to. Be cool. Look up mansplaing.

From ops update it sounds like she wants to cut corners and back her staff into a corner when they notice.

What bollocks, @Suttree. Did you miss the bit pointing out that OP has been in the role 6 months and in that time has made an unprofitable department profitable?

Your manager is useless.

Well done re the meeting. I'd do a follow-up email saying he is your junior, his role is separate to yours and asking him not to interfere in your job.

he’s ‘noticed things’ that make him feel like things ‘might’ start to slide.

What a load of balls. Like what? Could he give any examples?

I don't think offering an alternative perspective is "annoying" and "unhelpful". I've worked a few jobs before settling on my career and the last time I saw attitudes like ops it was managers drafted into departments with limited knowledge of the role, cutting every corner going and dragging people into rooms for "difficult conversations" when justified concerns were raised. You can shut up your staff but you can't stop customers voting with their feet. Thankfully I work in a different sector where you don't get any promotion until you can prove you're excellent at the job. Funnily enough colleagues have a lot more respect for management.

Suttree it's definitely true that that can happen, but if you read the thread it doesn't seem like that's the situation here at all. OP's colleague's way of doing things is unprofitable, so not an option. And if he did have ideas for how to do things better, he could put those forward in a sensible way - instead of deliberately going against what he was asked to do, for a demonstrably good reason, and ignoring OPs request.

I'd speak to him privately in person and literally tell him to back off and do his own job, not mine. I'd word it quite strongly. If he wasn't receptive to that then I'd take it above his head. I'd also follow it up with an email and keep all records.

OP, you did really well calling him out on his shit. Now you must, must, must follow up with an email setting out what was said (tailored to your narrative of course) and making clear that he’s agreed to contact customer to clarify deliverables.

I’m in two minds about recording the “noticed things” jibe as everyone slips up eventually and if you do, he might produce it as evidence later that he was right. Keep it factual and fuck him, you sound fab (as does your dress sense).

dress like Dane Edna on a visit to the library

I like the sound of that

I agree with everyone else, send him a follow-up email. Firm and factual.

You were brave OP. You are not shit. You are senior and have more expertise than this wanker. Believe in yourself!

Can't you just hear the sub text of his moans that you're "making it difficult for him" etc? It that age old misogynist mantra

"She made me do it".

He knows you're better than him, that's why he's trying to get to you.

Stay strong.

it's definitely true that that can happen, but if you read the thread it doesn't seem like that's the situation here at all. But, if any of these managers were to post about their work online it would read a lot like the op. More able team members were usually targeted too. Op, one way to tackle your situation is offer your "difficult" employee "development opportunities" which will blow up in his face when things invariably go to shit.

Well done OP. He sounds like an undermining, back-stabbing little shit.

OP - you are doing well. Please put everything (from your point of view) in e-mails all the time. For example, you need to send him one today with title "Our meeting today regarding roles" and set out every point you made and his comments. You can use this email to ask for clarification over any vague comments he made such as saying there are "issues" - ask him to detail them etc. E-mails are legal documents and can be used in court cases, whereas conversations can only be recalled and are subject to what people wish to recall and could end up your word against his. Document everything. If he asks you a question, always respond via e-mail.

Sorry about your lack of support from your Line Manager, they should have backed you. If he continues to push back, you have already tried your LM so now you can just copy your response to HR asking them to resolve it as an "informal grievance". This is the next level up but still at an informal stage - suggest finding and reading your grievance procedures just to check this is the preferred route in your organisation.

Clearly you don't like confrontation - it isn't nice, but sometimes is unavoidable. Best way to handle it is not to put it off, but to deal with it straight away. A fast response to every attempt to undermine you and a firm "no" where necessary. He is clearly attempting to bully you and you have to stand up to him. If you do this and show that you are not going to let it go for the sake of a quiet life and will keep on raising it at higher levels, he will back down. This will not be fun for you, but should stop it happening again and again as he will learn that it will get him nowhere. Good luck and please let us know how you get on.

@TheWifeofRequirement you CAN do this! You just need to find a mentor to help you with people who try to undermine younat work.

Set clear boundaries and stick to them. You know you have got the knowledge, skills and ability to do the job. Don’t let him rattle you.

You did great by having the conversation and making him back down. It might not have been 100% perfect, but life doesn’t tend to be perfect. It sounds like you’re doing great.

I am a manager and have lots of experience and I still hate having these conversations. So all of those “oh I can’t believe you’re a manager” comments are so ridiculous. The way to have these conversations is to plan them, to think carefully about the desired outcome, consider the personality of the person you are dealing with, and that of your own manager- and then to go for it. OP is doing fine.

I'm sorry, I have to disagree with all the "get everything on email" advice. That just paves the way for a permanently fractious and dysfunctional relationship and is unlikely to be viewed as good management. Actually talking to people stands far more chance of solving issues on a longer term basis.
And as for 'ask HR to resolve it as an informal grievance'...if someone came to me with that, there is no way I would be getting involved, save for coaching OP in how to handle confrontation/difficult conversations more effectively.
Straight up, factual discussion is the way forward. You've done it once OP, each time gets easier ...

I think confirming everything on an email (not necessarily ccing manager) is a good policy. Otherwise it all gets forgotten in the lists of time. If he has a disagreement with the way OP frames if he can disagree now and in writing.

They’ve had the face to face - an email simply confirms what was agreed. She is in the senior role, he is in the facilitation role; his job is to facilitate!

I don’t think like you sound like a bad manager at all. Quite the opposite in fact. What it sounds like is that you haven’t experienced this type of person before, the type who is so obviously trying to bully you out of your job it’s untrue. Is it a small industry? Do you know where he’s worked before? I bet he’s got form.

Based on the ‘you’re unfair’ and ‘may let things slide’ jibes,the gloves should be off now. You can’t really pull him up on old stuff now but the next time he does something to undermine you, you tear him down so hard that he knows not to fuck with you again (within the boundaries of HR). Make him be the one who wants to leave. There is no relationship to be salvaged here.

OP, I think you've handled this very well, even if it doesn't feel like it at the moment. Since you're in the meeting room, as PPs have suggested, use the time to summarise the meeting and email that to him by way of confirmation.

I agree, if you get to 'informal grievance' stage when he hasn't really done anything earth-shattering, you have very few places left to go, and a relationship that'll be salvageable.

This is teething troubles, nip it in the bud, learn that you can have the tough conversations and grow. If you turf it upstairs you'll look weak and scared.

What juells said.

Just to differ a bit here, I would not take his bait. This is absolutely not a difficult conversation, but a simple and brief one. He wants a pissing contest but you're his manager so he's not getting one.

Ask to talk to him "just for a second" and point out the mistake he made in his email. Say to him, "That was silly. We even talked about it! Email the client (and anyone else) by the end of the day and fix your mistake. Be more careful next time, makes us look bad. Okay, thanks." Smile and stand up and leave.

If he tries to whine just don't respond. Don't break your stride. Look bemused and say, "That's what I need you to do. Don't forget to cc me in your email." And keep walking away.

Then if it turns into him whining/refusing, it will be clear that he's the problem and you can escalate it from there.

I find the best way to deal with these type of men in the office is take a dump in his bin.

You did grand OP. Ignore the haters. I have been there and dealt with many knobs like him. It’s not easy but eventually he’ll have enough rope/ give you enough examples to hang himself.

I think you've handled it fine op. I do think you need to work on your confidence though because it sounds like he's doing a great job of undermining that.