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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I didn't make her homeless?

227 replies

Wheyv · 31/10/2018 22:49

DD's college seem to be quite concerned here and I'm actually really worried now. DD's behaviour was absolutely horrendous, words such as "I wish you were dead" and "you're a cunt" were thrown around and I just couldn't bare to have her here. She refused to stay out of my sight and so I told her to get out, she then said well where am I supposed to go? And I said I didn't care and for her to just get out, she left. It hit around 9pm and it was getting dark, I told elder sister to suggest she could go stay in her flat... eldest sister texted her and said she could go stay there (eldest is visiting) so DD did. DD didn't know it was my suggestion, but I knew she was safe and told the college this. But apparently they're still concerned and were blabbering in about how I have parental responsibility... she is 17 for gods sake! AIBu?

OP posts:
Cuckooclocks · 31/10/2018 22:51

How did the college find out?

Original poster
Wheyv · 31/10/2018 22:52

DD told them as she went in the next day after staying st the flat.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wheyv · 31/10/2018 22:52

Claiming she had been "made homeless" by the way ...

OP posts:
Fucksgiven · 31/10/2018 22:53

Yep. She's a child. They are really hard work but don't throw her out

gamerchick · 31/10/2018 22:54

You're going to get a slew of people who wipe their kids arses well in to adulthood coming on to tell you you're shocking and should treat her with kindness as she's obviously troubled and needs love etc etc but I'm with you. She's 17 and needs to learn how to behave. It's better to have a bit of time apart to cool off.

She's safe, there can be peace talks later.

zenasfuck · 31/10/2018 22:55

"She refuses to stay out of my sight"

Charming ! Her behaviour is terrible but have you asked yourself why rather than throwing her out ?

tomatosalt · 31/10/2018 22:55

You absolutely have parental responsibility for her until she is 18. I very much doubt that the police will be knocking on your door to prosecute you though.
It would probably be more helpful to start a thread asking for support with your daughters behaviour.

converseandjeans · 31/10/2018 22:55

Sounds like she was rude/disrespectful etc but to he fair you did make her leave with no fixed plan. Unfortunately yes you do have responsibility. She isn't old enough to go it alone.

Original poster
Wheyv · 31/10/2018 22:56

Charming? That was after she said those things, I told her to stay in her bedroom, she refused. Continued to argue with me downstairs, I left to go to my room she felt the need to still continue it even when I took myself away.

But although I "threw her out" - I was obviously never going to allow her to be on the streets for the night.

OP posts:
OrigamiZoo · 31/10/2018 23:17

so I told her to get out, she then said well where am I supposed to go? And I said I didn't care and for her to just get out, she left.

Well you did really.

JeanPagett · 31/10/2018 23:22

You've said yourself that you did "throw her out". How was your daughter to know that you wouldn't have let her actually sleep on the street? You've said that she didn't know staying at her sister's was your idea. I think you need to consider this from your daughter's perspective.

Lonesurvivor · 31/10/2018 23:23

She sounds like hard work but at least she has the excuse of been a teenager. You are in the wrong here but you're not looking to hear that, you're looking for validation that your poor parenting is justifiable.

Greensleeves · 31/10/2018 23:23

I can see why the college have responded the way they have, but I have immense sympathy for you and your position too. You made sure she had somewhere safe to go and I can see how you felt that you had to diffuse the situation somehow. It's horrible and frightening and overwhelming to have a child who is physically an adult following you from room to room screaming at you.

i don't think kicking her out, even temporarily, is going to be a strategy you can use repeatedly though, it's not stable or healthy for her and it won't improve the relationship. Do you know why she's so angry? I ask that in the least patronising spirit, I have a very angry, sad and confused 16yo at the moment who directs most of his aggression at me and I'm having to try very hard to understand what's behind it and how to help him while also firefighting as the explosions happen and trying to protect myself and his younger brother.

In the short term, I'd suggest a lock on the inside of your bedroom door. You need to have somewhere you can retreat to.

pallisers · 31/10/2018 23:30

look, despite what people on here (who have not yet experienced really difficult teenagers) will say it isn't a black and white situation.

I have so many friends who are parents of teens dealing with all sorts of amazing shit they never thought they would deal with. I did myself. Older and younger ones are utterly run of the mill. Middle one has had us in spins. She is fine now age 18.

So don't take any of the judgement on board. But obviously you can't go on like this. Use this opportunity to get whatever help you can from the college

As for this kind of shit comment:

She sounds like hard work but at least she has the excuse of been a teenager. You are in the wrong here but you're not looking to hear that, you're looking for validation that your poor parenting is justifiable.

There spoke a person who doesn't realise that SHE might one day be the mother who has an out of control teenager shouting abuse at her. Many parents of teens have other children who are fine - how do you explain that? Poor parenting? This kind of judgemental crap makes me so angry. how can someone have so little compassion for another human being - poor parenting maybe?

Greensleeves · 31/10/2018 23:33

Well said pallisers. I hope the smugger posters never have to find out how it feels when it's suddenly, inexplicably YOUR precious child who has morphed into an angry, miserable stranger and you have no idea where to even begin to help them, let alone protect yourself :(

MrsStrowman · 31/10/2018 23:39

Having worked in youth justice I fully understand how difficult she might be, but she is under 18 and you still have parental responsibility, so when the college heard they had to take action. She told them she was homeless, if this was the case procedures would need to be followed.

Jux · 31/10/2018 23:41

You really do need to be the grown up here.

You lost your rag because your child was disrespectful (as they so often are), threw her out with nowhere to go, and her College are rightly concerned. She wasn't threatening you, she just wasn't obeying you.

Lonesurvivor · 31/10/2018 23:41

pallisersGrinGrin I'm actually speaking as the mother of a 21, 18 & 15 year old. I've had worse shouted at me and never once have I even been tempted to threaten to throw out a teen and give them the impression they no longer have a home.
You really are clueless if you think an angry teen throwing about insults deserves to be thrown out of their home by their parent.
Throwing out a tantruming teen and exchanging insults is poor parenting, if that's too close to the bone for you so be it.

Disquieted1 · 31/10/2018 23:43

I'm unsure when OPs actions would be acceptable. In a few months when DD is 18, would that be OK? How about when she's 19 or 20? How about 25?
There comes a point when you respect your children as grown up. Not fully mature of course, but grown up. And this means that you don't take any shit off them, the same as you wouldn't take it off any other grown up.

OP handled the situation as well as she could have.

FuzzyShadowChatter · 01/11/2018 00:12

My concerns are whether or not she will act like that towards the sister when she returns (I'm unclear on the visiting part), the sister really shouldn't be the second punching bag in this, and - while difficult - going to the sister's should have been arranged before sending her out the door because - in my experience - once out the door, it's harder to figure out if they'll actually go somewhere or find alternative arrangements which are far worse but in that teen-moment seem better. I mean, it's easy to say we'd never let them sleep on the streets but once out the door, that's an option that could be taken and - as others have said, from your daughter's perspective that may be something she thinks you'd be fine with which is really not going to help.

My parents kicked me and my siblings out regularly, it was their go-to move for a few years. I fully believe decades on that neither of them really cared what happened as long as we were no longer bothering them. I really still don't understand the point of any of the times they did that, didn't really learn anything good out of that.

The college is in the right to be concerned if she's telling them she's been made homeless (which may be how she feels about this) and they're right that you have parental responsibility. Maybe they can give her further support that might help, she's unlikely to be their first teen to act out and go through this.

Rebecca36 · 01/11/2018 00:16

Well the op did say to her sister to let her go to her (sister's) flat, which she did, so strictly speaking the girl wasn't made homeless by her mother.

Not an easy situation to handle and she did the best she could, which turned out alright. A pity the college had to be told though.

MonsterTequila · 01/11/2018 00:29

YABVU that’s really poor. She’s under 18, she’s clearly still not emotionally mature & rather than attempting to disarm the situation & teach her why it’s not acceptable, you told threw her out of her home! What on earth were you trying to gain from that? I would not be surprised if she goes NC with you in the future.

RoboJesus · 01/11/2018 00:36

I moved out at 16 but people try to treat them like babies these days. If things are tense at home it's a good thing to spend a few nights away or even look in to a more permanent moving out. Could be the best thing for your relationship.

AiryFairyUnicornRainbow · 01/11/2018 00:37

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AiryFairyUnicornRainbow · 01/11/2018 00:39

What on earth were you trying to gain from that? I would not be surprised if she goes NC with you in the future

My parents kicked me out twice, before I was 16, the last time I didn't go back.

It felt at the time, that Mother had been waiting for an excuse (not a reason) to throw me out, and I am NC with my parents

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