Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I didn't make her homeless?

227 replies

Wheyv · 31/10/2018 22:49

DD's college seem to be quite concerned here and I'm actually really worried now. DD's behaviour was absolutely horrendous, words such as "I wish you were dead" and "you're a cunt" were thrown around and I just couldn't bare to have her here. She refused to stay out of my sight and so I told her to get out, she then said well where am I supposed to go? And I said I didn't care and for her to just get out, she left. It hit around 9pm and it was getting dark, I told elder sister to suggest she could go stay in her flat... eldest sister texted her and said she could go stay there (eldest is visiting) so DD did. DD didn't know it was my suggestion, but I knew she was safe and told the college this. But apparently they're still concerned and were blabbering in about how I have parental responsibility... she is 17 for gods sake! AIBu?

OP posts:
MarcieBluebell · 01/11/2018 00:50

Continued to argue with me downstairs, I left to go to my room she felt the need to still continue it even when I took myself away.

What was the argument about?

This is a huge omission. Mabey she needed to be listened too. I don't know the situation but ignoring someone can cause the anger to errupt.

kateandme · 01/11/2018 00:55

thank goodness for my parents.they have had worse from us.much worse.and I can honestly say that never came out in the storms weve had in this house.theyve left before we have!
and it did once get to a very aggressive stage with my brother to the point I had to step literally in between him and my dad.but again the blessed people never told him to go.
but I guess like I think on many of these things was it because in between him being an utter shit we still saw him still the man we loved.still did the things sometimes that made us see our brother/son.there was always love from both sides.
and now my god he is the most sickeningly best human (my hero) on the planet.no boasting.simple facts.
and so I now feel sick at the thought of who he might have turned into had my dad or mum given up on him and told him to get out.infact I know he would have been a broken man.kicked out he wouldn't have gotten through the time and confusion he was going through with his behaviour and now I daren't think what would have become of him.
my sister too had her issues.her and my dad would say honestly and even now admit to hating eachother.but again shes now gone 30 years old and I should be so thankful my parents stuck It out with her.
I know everyones different.and I know its in between the other bits that count.but Id really want to be like my parents and stick it out no matter what.

SpareASquare · 01/11/2018 00:55

She's under 18 and you've pretty much told her to fuck off so yeah, you kinda have made her homeless.
This behaviour didn't just happen so what responsibility are YOU taking OP for letting it get to this stage?

Original poster
Wheyv · 01/11/2018 00:56

Wow love all the perfect parents here. It was an argument about me not paying for her phone when the contract runs out, suppose I'll be flamed for not paying for it until she's 30 next.

OP posts:
lunar1 · 01/11/2018 00:57

When did this happen? Is she home yet?

kateandme · 01/11/2018 00:58

plus for me when a child(and I mean child of parents so someone any age) is told to get out by their parent it is the worst feeling you can possibly have.that line hits me in the gut to think of it.
there is nothing more vunerable than feeling like your not wanted at home or don't have a home to go to.
I presume there was more to this and not just a one off argument?
also your dd wouldn't have known you would have got ur sister to be there for her.

ThereGoesTheAlarm · 01/11/2018 00:59

When I was about 17 I didn’t get on very well with my mum. I wasn’t a bad kid. Just a bit of a gobshite. One night we had a huge argument and I went to work. She told my grandma (who is lovely) to pick me up because she didn’t want me home. I was there for three nights before my mum summoned me back again.

To this day she denies this happened. But it did. At the age of 33 with two kids of my own I can now see that it was a total and utter overreaction to a teenage strop (I was quite immature).

We get on fabulously now. But you don’t forget these things.

AiryFairyUnicornRainbow · 01/11/2018 01:02

Wow love all the perfect parents here. It was an argument about me not paying for her phone when the contract runs out, suppose I'll be flamed for not paying for it until she's 30 next

To be fair, if you are so argumentative at home, when a person doesn't agree with your viewpoint - it is easy to see how things flare up....as most people would tell you to fuck off, upon being patronised, i.e the above

Unicyclethief · 01/11/2018 01:04

They can be massive arseholes, believe me I know. But you really cannot throw a 17 year old out. Do you have any support?

Coolaschmoola · 01/11/2018 01:05

"A pity the college had to be told though."

Erm no. And, as a teacher in a college, I find this comment quite concerning.

Of course college had to be told! She's a minor and, like it or not, this is a safeguarding issue. Risk of emotional and physical harm.

The OP threw her dd out, telling her she didn't care where she went.

The dd did exactly the right thing telling the college - it's reflecting badly on the OP because it was a bad thing to do.

OP YWBU, you did make her homeless, and you should be worried. Not just about how it looks, which seems to be your only concern... Hmm

UniqueSiren · 01/11/2018 01:06

Has she been to see a doctor? Is she depressed? Struggling with anything? Why is your relationship suffering right now?

I'm speaking from experience now, she needs help. Considering this as bad behaviour or thinking about how this affects you or makes you feel is the wrong path in my opinion. There's something going on and it's your responsibility to help her.

AiryFairyUnicornRainbow · 01/11/2018 01:07

The dd did exactly the right thing telling the college - it's reflecting badly on the OP because it was a bad thing to do

and that is what comes across to me, to be the thing that has triggered the Op to worry about the situation

Imissgmichael · 01/11/2018 01:17

Parental responsibility may last until the age of 18 but once your child reaches 16 you’ve no rights. Parents are in a difficult situation for this reason. The OP didn’t do anything wrong.

My daughter got pregnant at 15 but I didn’t find out until she was 16. Can’t say I was happy but I was supportive without interfering. When she disappeared in the middle of the night heavily pregnant and suffering from stress due to boyfriends behaviour, I was told it was none of my business and she could do what she wanted as over 16 ( by police and health professionals). At the same time I was told she was my responsibility and it was my fault if something happened to her. Absolute madness..

Neweternal · 01/11/2018 01:23

I had a terrible home life in my teen. Forever being beat up by my brother, father was a chronic alcoholic (although from 15 removed via interdict), and a totally disengaged depressive mother. I left home at 15 nearly 16 was able to get income support, housing benefit and stayed in a flat share (this was early nineties). It was better than home but I was very poor, as a child and had to mix with dodgy characters, it undoubtedly leads to exploitation and vulnerability. Luckily I drew a lot of resilience from that and live a very comfortable life now, I'm the exception, my mental did suffer as did my self esteem. I would hate my son to experience this. I met lots of kids like me in hostels etc. ALL without exception had difficult home life very often step parents or broken and dysfunctional homes. Your daughter obviously needs your support, can you invest the time in her? What is the family situation?

Belina · 01/11/2018 01:23

op just know this I used to say similar things to my mum and I absolutely did not mean it when she died I was devastated.

I don't know what to suggest about your daughter but don't let her words get to you beause they are not true

Imissgmichael · 01/11/2018 01:36

Or the ops daughter might just be a brat. Kids sometimes think their hard done by but in reality they’re not. I know my daughter often talks about him much of an idiot she was in her teens and how she didn’t realise how she had very good parents.

nocoolnamesleft · 01/11/2018 01:43

On the positive side, despite believing herself to have been made homeless and only not on the streets due to her sister's mercy, the OP's daughter had the sense to still go to college in the morning, and to tell staff. That's reasonable common sense for a teenager!

incywincybitofa · 01/11/2018 01:47

Which bit worries you? The college aren't blabbering on about PR, they are reinforcing it is currently yours if you wont accept it new arrangements need to be made,
That your daughter is no longer under your roof because of an emotional flare up. To be honest change the C word (or not) and many parents have outbursts like that from their children, as has been pointed out it doesn't mean she means them just because she said them.
That she has told college what happened- well she is probably maturely looking at her options for the future,
That she has behaved as she has
That you responded as you did
Tread carefully here, and consider do you want to build or burn bridges

pallisers · 01/11/2018 01:55

pallisersgringrin I'm actually speaking as the mother of a 21, 18 & 15 year old. I've had worse shouted at me and never once have I even been tempted to threaten to throw out a teen and give them the impression they no longer have a home.

Yes I have 3 of similar age. Have had all sorts. dealt with it. As a result I don't judge other parents. you do.

This woman had a 17 year old who was utterly offensive to her. At an age when many MNs are saying "I was rearing a child and paying a mortgage" etc. she told her to get lost but made sure her sister offered her a place to stay. And yet you judge.

I really really judge how you were reared that you would do that. I think your parents failed you. They were poor parents to rear someone who has so little empathy.

ohello · 01/11/2018 02:17

I am honestly shocked at the number of people here are thinking it's okay to throw your 17yo out just because the kid got on your nerves.

Part of being a grown up especially when you have kids that you'd like to see grow up to be decent people is dealing with frustration in a healthy way. You know, be the role model for behavior that you'd like to see in them. So something like, "brat, you're being a brat. Stop shouting. Don't talk to me until you can lower your voice and stop being so hateful."

That's the healthy adult way, not toss the kid out like yesterday's trash.

pallisers · 01/11/2018 02:18

That's the healthy adult way, not toss the kid out like yesterday's trash.

except that is not what the OP did.

Oswin · 01/11/2018 02:26

Ohello, op asked her to leave her alone. The dd followed her to abuse her some more. Why are you posting like op was irratated and threw her out.

MarcieBluebell · 01/11/2018 02:55

Oswin
We only have op's side of the story.

Holdingonbarely · 01/11/2018 03:06

Wow. That’s odd.
If your husband did the same would you throw him out of your house, or would you think it’s his house too. And I might ask him to leave tomorrow, but right now I can’t.

So in essence, you’ve told her, this is not her home.
That’s a way to make someone grow up I guess.
5 stars to you

bastardkitty · 01/11/2018 03:09

OP you come across like an arsey teenager yourself on this thread. Kicking out your DD is not a smart or proportionate move. I'm sure you love her dearly and it's hard when they're vile but it's really not unusual and you probably need to think about tempering your reactions a bit. Unless you genuinely mean to kick her out and cut contact. In which case, crack on. Good job college were looking out for her.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread