To think I didn't make her homeless?

[Wheyv]

DD's college seem to be quite concerned here and I'm actually really worried now. DD's behaviour was absolutely horrendous, words such as "I wish you were dead" and "you're a cunt" were thrown around and I just couldn't bare to have her here. She refused to stay out of my sight and so I told her to get out, she then said well where am I supposed to go? And I said I didn't care and for her to just get out, she left. It hit around 9pm and it was getting dark, I told elder sister to suggest she could go stay in her flat... eldest sister texted her and said she could go stay there (eldest is visiting) so DD did. DD didn't know it was my suggestion, but I knew she was safe and told the college this. But apparently they're still concerned and were blabbering in about how I have parental responsibility... she is 17 for gods sake! AIBu?

Times haven't changed. A 16 year old is a child in the eyes of the law. A child between the ages of 16 and 18 can only marry with the parent's permission in England.

In terms of safeguarding times have changed. I know parents who have had safeguarding alerts raised due to what I would see as very normal things with nearly 18 year olds. (Such as leaving them alone overnight).

So if a 17 year old turns up at college and says her mum has made her homeless, that will absolutely be followed up.

I’m sorry you got to the end of your tether. I imagine your feelings were “I wish my mum were still alive” and the reality kicked in of what your dd was saying. You were using your full adult capacity to reason, which at 17 your dd doesn’t yet have at either a physiological or emotional level and will be slowly getting for the next decade.

I think as the parent and adult you should apologise for kicking your dd out. With a bit of luck your elder dd will talk to her. Could your dd1 work with you to crack this?

I think you and your dd2 need to find solutions together, not just present a teen with problems and expect her to fix it - perhaps you didn’t do it this way but that’s what she heard.

Does your dd2 have the ability and opportunity to earn the money to pay for her contract? My dd is very far from this age but for me refusing to pay for a phone for a child at college is pretty harsh unless your dd has a way of making money, which doesn’t impact on her studies.

What are you hoping to achieve? Are you’re struggling to pay for it?

Life is different from when we were young. Phone boxes are the thing of the past and I wouldn’t want my child even at 17 or perhaps especially at 17 without a phone tbh. I’ve been 17 and I know the sort of dangerous things I did and scrapes I got into. A phone and understanding parent would have been very very useful.

Devilish
I’m shocked that leaving a 17 yo home alone for one night would be a safeguarding issue. I could understand a holiday. Is that what you’re saying?

Also a child under 18 will be prosecuted as a child if they commit a crime. 17 is a child in the eyes of the law.

Wheyv I’m sorry to hear about the loss of your DM. Are you receiving any grief counselling?

My son turned 17 recently, started college and then a part time job...got his first wage and became cocky thinking he was all grown up, talking to me like shit...we argued and I said well if you don't like it go! He left but I knew he was at my brothers. He came back after a week sorry and behaved since! Sometimes they need a kick up the arse! You didn't kick her out, or leave her homeless! You made it clear you weren't going to put up with that attitude and there's nothing wrong with that! If they want to be "adults" then they have to take the consequences of their behaviour like adults!

To be fair, if she was 37, some people would still be saying you were in wrong! You have my support OP anyway xx

Have you thought about this one op can you see if from your dds point of view. At 17 her phone is very much her lifeline. Perhaps you could have calmed the situation by discussing ways to extend her phone contract.
I'm interested to know how old your other Dd is.

My mom kicked my brother out at 16 because he'd got into drugs and it caused arguments in the household. No physical violence but some name calling in both sides. She told him to leave. 11 years later and she's only seem him once and they have no contact at all. My brother was a lot more in the wrong than your daughter has been. But he thinks she's a shit mom for doing this to him and essentially putting everything and everyone before him.
I'm just saying, sometimes these wounds don't heal.
Also, I got a job at 16, moved out at 18, got married at 21 and now have one child and another one on the way at 26.
I also know 30 years old who work part time and spend all their wages up the club's and live with their parents.
People mature differently and live different lives. I don't think it's fair to compare people because we are all different especially with emotional maturity.
Was she close with her grandmother? Maybe the loss has affected her aswell and also kicking off because she's over emotional.

Was she close with her grandmother? Maybe the loss has affected her aswell and also kicking off because she's over emotional this struck me too. Have you talked to her about how she’s feeling about the loss of you DM? Have you offered her ways to help her with her grief? There’s a leaflet here that might help.

At the moment though, I’d be putting some serious effort into repairing your relationship with her.

My poor parents had to put up with my (dear departed) brother’s insufferable ways for years - it was horrendous and I really felt for them.
I can see both sides here - yes, the OP has parental responsibility until age 18 but she isn’t kicking her DD onto the street, just because she needs some breathing space. Looking after a rude and obnoxious teen for years is bloody hard work and having seen it first hand, I totally think I would react the same as the OP (although I hope I never have to).

I’m sure others will have some better advice but I don’t think the OP is BU.

OP - please speak to your GP or your DD's school. You all need some urgent help as a family.

NooNoo sorry for your loss too.

At 17 she is old enough to know that her actions have consequences.

If you are abusive to someone they will want you away from them. If she was doing this in a shop or a friends house it would be the same.

You've shown her that her words and actions are hurtful and unacceptable. Maybe if more parents stopped ignoring or excusing their teenagers talking to them like shit we'd not have so many abusive partners out there thinking they can say what they like and expect it to be immediately forgotten and forgiving.

I hope you're ok OP

I feel your frustration OP. Living with an abusive person, no matter who they are can grind you into the ground.

OP, you have my sympathy. My sister was like this from about 17 onwards, and unless you've been there it's really hard to understand why you needed her to go for the night. She wasn't regularly violent but her mouth was filthy, she would start on us all completely unprovoked and when you tried to get away from her she would follow us from room to room, goading us all. What she would say was cruel, hurtful and untrue and the impact on us all stayed for a long time.

I cut her off for many years, my mum tried but she couldn't. Nobody should judge you unless they've walked in your shoes. Airyfairy think about that before you tell the OP it's not surprising her daughter called her a cunt.

If the college don't let it go then make it clear you asked your eldest daughter to have her that night so you knew she would be safe.

Sorry you're going through this.

I think your parental responsibility was fulfilled by the fact that you knew where she was and that she was staying in a safe place.

I'm interested to know how old your other Dd is.. I’d be interested to know that too.

What does your other DD think about all of this?

So she was attempting to bully you - saying she would only get out of your face if you paid for her phone.

She does need a phone. How does her money work at the moment? Does she have an allowance, a Saturday job? Why did you decide to stop paying her bills?

I think your mistake was not to be clear with her you had arranged for her to stay at her sister's. The fact that you didn't has not worked out well for you.

Is there someone she respects (a teacher?) who can mediate between you? Someone whom she would be embarrassed when you say that she followed you around calling you those sort of names?

Even SS try and off load 17 year olds on an adult system when their behaviour is not acceptable- so why would a parent be any different.

Don’t think children in care, hostels etc would be treated any differently

I think it's a very tricky position you're in OP and I'm not looking forward to the teenage years as I'm a single parent so nobody to give me a hug and say it's all ok. Also not ok to drink your way through I gather.

1. my six year old tells me they wish I were dead. Obviously I can't chuck him out... But I'd like him "gone" for half an hour so I can compose myself.

2. my parents kicked me out in the middle of my GCSEs. Not to my sister's flat mind. I ended up in a squat. We are NC.

You didn't send her to a squat. You told her to "piss off elsewhere" in the moment but sent her somewhere safe.

You're doing ok in my book. Hugs, huns and all the strong coffee to you this morning.

N.b., I shan't be entering into discussion re my child's behaviour - obviously there are reasons - some beyond my control right now.

Well you say you wouldn't have left her on the streets.. What if her sister hadn't taken her in? Would you have told her to come home?

I can't keep affording her phone bill. She is 18 at the beginning of December (when it runs out) and I don't think it's unreasonable for her to have to pay for her own phone :/

My eldest is 22

A very close relative of mine was also abusive to her mother. She'd tell the mum to fuck off, Al sorts of nasty names, steal, run away, generally act like an aggressive, horrid brat. Right up until she was 21ish.

It only stopped when she admitted to the mum she had been sexually abused from the age of 13-19. She was angry at the world. She now getting through college. It's as though a weight had been lifted.

I'm not speculating that this must be the reason at all. But the mother thanks God everyday that she never made the girl feel unwelcome. If she had, she would have lost her forever. Its only because the girl felt that no matter what, her home was secure, that she was able to speak up.

17 may not be young, but it's certainly immature. And it is absolutely right of the college to flag this up. You did kick her out. Frankly I think it's your responsibility to try and get to the bottom of it and remain the fully grown adult in this situation. If things really do get unbearable then the least you could do is give her some notice, and share the plan with her.
I'm saying all this aware that it might be very difficult, and easier said than done.

Oh god. I have the absoloute best relationship with my mother - she’s my best friend. I’ve got a great job, lovely home and wonderful fiancé who my family love. About 99% of where/what I am right now is down to my mother and trust me I was VERYstrong willed and loud mouthed once upon a time.

Occasionally you get kids with issues or conditions who don’t apply to the usual rules but 99% of kids who don’t are, I’m afraid, a direct reflection of their parent/s and the effort that has been put into bringing them up. Bad parents very rarely like to acknowledge or accept this but babies are blank canvases and you paint on them how you like.

Her sister was at our home, visiting. Her flat was free, so it wasn't about her sister not taking her in. However, yes, if she would have been on the street, she would have had to have come home. I wouldn't leave her on the streets