To think I didn't make her homeless?

[Wheyv]

DD's college seem to be quite concerned here and I'm actually really worried now. DD's behaviour was absolutely horrendous, words such as "I wish you were dead" and "you're a cunt" were thrown around and I just couldn't bare to have her here. She refused to stay out of my sight and so I told her to get out, she then said well where am I supposed to go? And I said I didn't care and for her to just get out, she left. It hit around 9pm and it was getting dark, I told elder sister to suggest she could go stay in her flat... eldest sister texted her and said she could go stay there (eldest is visiting) so DD did. DD didn't know it was my suggestion, but I knew she was safe and told the college this. But apparently they're still concerned and were blabbering in about how I have parental responsibility... she is 17 for gods sake! AIBu?

This was all over a phone contract and her calling you a cunt

@holdingonbarely, you know this is untrue. Why misrepresent the facts when we can see them for ourselves?

Wow there are some total twats on here. Relax op, the college are just doing their job- she had a night at her sisters, no harm done. Your dd is way out of order and you've had shocking judgement dressed up as "advice" on here. Some people have issues in their own life, they're angry and bitter and seem to enjoy piling in on someone when they're down, often so eager to judge and criticise they don't even read the thread first.

Look maybe going for a walk would have been a much better solution. At the time it was obviously a quick decision, she just would not leave me alone and I didn't know what to do. Now I look back yes maybe I should have handled it better.

Her behaviour has been better, she actually wrote me a card/letter.

Just really hope she grows out of it.

Your daughter has a place to stay, which you have arranged.

In other words, you have exercised your parental responsibility in making sure that he has a place to stay. Your daughter had a choice about her behaviour and still has. She can make amends, for instance.

Personally, I believe that we have a "parental responsibility" to ensure that our offspring learn that there are consequences to cruel, taunting, provocative and violent language. Your daughter is responsible for 'making her bed' and needs to do the right thing, make amends and never take you for granted again.

Her behaviour has been better, she actually wrote me a card/letter.

Just really hope she grows out of it.

She will. It sounds like you actually have a very close relationship, which is why this happened. Sorry if I sounded judgemental: I really didn't mean to come across that way, especially when I know how hard it can be.

One thing I do with dd1 is a 5 minute rule,we're very similar in character and sometimes just seem to get under each others skin and arguments escalate. What happens is that at any point during an arguement one of us can ask for 5minutes, if that happens we have to ignore each other and go to seperate rooms for a minimum of 5 minutes and we find that it just gives us a chance to calm down and think, it has helped to defuse many argument.

That’s great news. I think you’ve just taken it as such a personal blow for anyone to think you’ve made your child homeless. You don’t want people to think you’ve put her on the street literally. And you didn’t. You just left her believing for a while that you did. Stick to your guns. She wants a contract she pays for it. Can you extend the contract if she gives you the money for it a month in advance? So if she wants to have it extended in December she needs to pay you by the end of November and ongoing.

Just really hope she grows out of it.

She will OP.

I used to want to murder DD1 on a daily basis between the ages of 13-16. Now that she's 18 it's only once a month or so... like now after a phone call about - you've guessed it her mobile phone.

But honestly they do come out the other side... hold on to that thought & make sure there's always wine in the fridge during the awfulness of this phase

Re kicking children or even adult children out - I don’t like it. I think that someone should always have a place to call home, and to know they have somewhere they can go, and I don’t mean staying at a sister or brother, I mean with their parents. I would like my son to think that even when he is 40, if for whatever reason he loses his own home, he always has a place in mine.

I was in an abusive relationship and one of the reasons it took me so long to leave was that my mother once said to me “well you can’t sleep on my sofa!”. I literally felt like I had nowhere to go, and it did make a difference.

Your DD has behaved extremely poorly, and she does need to be punished, but making her feel like she could not stay in her home was wrong (but I think you know that). I think it will have done something to her sense of security and trust to feel that you could kick her out at any moment.

My DD was awful between the age of 13- 16. Completely ruined family life for everyone and her behaviour contributed to me being prescribed long term antidepressants. My son started to hate her and if asked denied she was his DS.

I tried to be understanding and find out if there was any underlying cause to no avail.

I’ve talked to her about it since and she’s admitted that there wasn’t any justifiable underlying cause for her actions and she was just acting like an bitch ( her words not mine). She felt at the time that she should be able to do exactly what she wanted with no boundaries at all and if she didn’t get her own way she’d make life for everyone as unpleasant as possible.

Your DD has behaved extremely poorly, and she does need to be punished, but making her feel like she could not stay in her home was wrong (but I think you know that). I think it will have done something to her sense of security and trust to feel that you could kick her out at any moment.

I don't believe that it is a parents duty to provide a life long home for their child when said child won't treat their parent with respect.

Does she work? If so, yes, she should be paying for her phone. My contract gives me 4gig, unlimited minutes and 1000 texts for £15 a month. I bought the phone.

I can’t understand people saying she’s a teenager, this is how they are. I don’t k ow any teenagers like this: am I just very lucky? If I’d spoken to my parents like that, I would’ve been slapped.

So, how much of you really not being able to stand her (unacceptable) behaviour this time was that as she was yelling abuse at you, you kept thinking that you'd sell your soul to be able to speak to your mum again? And how could she say that she wishes you were dead, you'd give anything for your mum not to be? It really does sound like your loss will have made this harder to deal with. Totally pushed your buttons.

Are you familiar with the idea about how when two people are communicating, the possible dynamics are child-child, child-adult, and adult-adult? As you can imagine adult-adult is the most effective one, adult-child can come off as patronising, and child-child is very emotion driven. She was clearly in child irrational mode. you probably started off in adult to child mode, because she was acting like a child. Which will have wound her up more. And then she pushed your buttons enough that you went into child mode too. It's fucking hard to stay in adult mode, and especially adult to adult mode, when a teen is kicking off. Which is annoying as it is the mode that generally has the most success.

Anyway, great that she sent you a card. I presume you've already found the chance to tell her you still do love her? If you haven't, please do it. It's really important that she knows it, right now.

I hope everything is OK now op.

She was crap, you were crapper. Honestly, she’s your 17 year old daughter. Parental responsibilities don’t just disappear. Sorry OP but I think you were wrong.

She needs to get a part-time job pronto.

I was paying my way from 15 yrs old - and I mean properly. I bought my own clothes, moped, then car over the years. It's called taking responsibility.

my parents kicked me out for a while when i was 17 i didnt run off to tell on them though i deserved it

she sounds like a ungrateful brat

LoniceraJaponica I am 63 left school in 1970 so was 15 married 1972 so was 17 that clear enough for you and I was a young adult at 17 working and running a home not a child and what do you mean WHY was I married at 17 what's it got to do with you, it may or may not interest you to know that I am still married to the same man.

I’m actually weeping at this I have 3 dc, 2 are grown up and gone, 1 is 15 yrs old and at home.
I would NEVER throw my child out. Lucky me eh? I’ve got good kids.
I know I sound like a smug fuck.

Sounds very Jeremy Kyle

OP, it does not sound from your post like you had any intention of making her homeless, but your DD did not know that and may have genuinely been afraid she would be. I hope things have calmed down between you both now and that your DD has apologised to you.

Do not wish to condone your DD's behaviour or care you but following someone round from room to room yelling sounds a bit unwell. Of course if this is her only "symptom" it probably is no more than a teenage tantrum, but I knew a girl of 16 who behaved like this and she later was diagnosed as having a personality disorder. Mind you she did have other issues also- self mutilation, binge eating, going on wild spending sprees, not coping with her schoolwork, periods of being very high and very low, self esteem issues. No diagnosis until her early 20s, I think, but her symptoms started mid teens. She would do the following from room to room and shouting a lot. She is now coping with life a lot better, is in her 30s and fairly happy now but she does have her "off" days. I am sure though in your DD's case it is just a teenage tantrum- let's hope so.

scare you not care you.

FWIW you do not sound like a horrible parent- just one who is at the end of her tether.

My husband was kicked out at 16. I wasnt much older when i moved out and can never return home, for reasons i cant give as would be outing. Your daughter has and always will have a home. You made sure she was safe. You didnt make her homeless.

The best bit of advice I was given when my eldest became a teenager was thIs "when they are at their most horrible, that is when they need you most". Not trying to make you feel bad, I haven't read all the posts, it's just an thought.

At that age social services would class it as abandonment and if you refused to have her home (and there were no other options) would work with you to find ways to facilitate doing this.
I know this after working with homeless pregnant teenagers previously