To think I didn't make her homeless?

[Wheyv]

DD's college seem to be quite concerned here and I'm actually really worried now. DD's behaviour was absolutely horrendous, words such as "I wish you were dead" and "you're a cunt" were thrown around and I just couldn't bare to have her here. She refused to stay out of my sight and so I told her to get out, she then said well where am I supposed to go? And I said I didn't care and for her to just get out, she left. It hit around 9pm and it was getting dark, I told elder sister to suggest she could go stay in her flat... eldest sister texted her and said she could go stay there (eldest is visiting) so DD did. DD didn't know it was my suggestion, but I knew she was safe and told the college this. But apparently they're still concerned and were blabbering in about how I have parental responsibility... she is 17 for gods sake! AIBu?

I am tired of the ‘just a child’ line. 17 year olds are capable of horrendous crimes. She needed a consequence for her appalling behaviour and the OP cleverly engineered a really appropriate consequence (while making sure that, in reality, she was safe).

It is interesting that those abusing the OP are using such vile and aggressive language. They could have done with some meaningful consequences as teenagers, I suspect.

It’s perfectly fine for your dd to pay for her own phone. Her behaviour is awful and entitled, it’s a shame you’re having this happen. You can bring up two children the same and the difference is immense

My brother and I don’t drink alcohol, have never touched drugs and have total respect for our parents. We’ve both been pretty successful in life two and people are ALWAYS making comments to mum about how ‘you just have good kids- you just had it easy’ No - she just did a good job and I assure you it was anything but easy for her!

Op do you understand that at 17 you still have a responsibility to house and finance her? Even at 18 the amount she can borrow to fund her studies is based on your income so you're still expected to financially support her. I'm sorry you're having a tough time and she sounds really difficult but the college are right. You made her homeless when you have a legal responsibility to care for her.

But I didn't make her homeless... I made sure she had a place to stay. She wasn't homeless...

Umm except she didn’t, did she?

You have made her homeless. Homelessness is not just people who sleep on the streets. Anyone who doesn't have a place they can call home is homeless. Including people who are sofa surfing, people who are staying with a kind aunt, people who have been put in temporary insecure accommodation by the council, etc. Your DD is homeless.

I get that she was being impossible to live with and can't possibly judge whether chucking her out was a reasonable decision. But don't be in denial about the fact your DD is homeless.

She IS NOT homeless. She stayed at her sister's flat for 1 night. She is not homeless, Jesus.

There’s an interesting blog I read (I’m gonn try and find it again and link) about the concept of ‘you can bring up two children the same and the difference is immense’

• it explains how actually your second/third/fourth children have an immensely different experience of growing up than the first/ others did despite living with the same people/in the same walls.

Your attention is diverted by older children, older children change the dynamic, you adjust your parenting style as you’ve been through it already...etc. Very very interesting and debunks a myth which ALOT of MN mums like to tout!

Raising one child successfully doesn’t excuse how the others turn out

@larrygrylls it's not a line. 17 year olds are legally children. That's just a fact. History has shown us that 10 year olds are capable of horrendous crimes too but you obviously wouldn't throw your 10 year old out for bad behaviour

Jeez OP your eldest is 22.
When did she leave home.

The idea that parents are entirely responsible for how their children turn out is arrant and ignorant crap.

Of course parents have an input but so do genes, environment and even viruses.

There are a lot of smug people out there, sadly. What did your parents do to inculcate you with such smug arrogance?!

What? She went to university at 18? 

As far as the college is concerned you did. You told her to leave and you didn't care where she went. Does she even have a bed at her sisters? Your 22 year old doesn't have responsibility for your 17 year old

No she doesn't have responsibility. I don't know why you keep missing bits? My eldest wasn't there... so there didn't need to be 2 beds.

Twatty,

When the college finds out the actual circumstances, they won’t give a flying fuck. There are so many genuinely neglected children. The OP is clearly a loving parent at the end of her tether.

My mum regularly told me to leave. She didn't care where I went. I ended up with my friends and occasionally my dad. After she started doing this my house never felt like home and I felt really unwanted. I wasn't a bad teen either, argumentative maybe but I was mostly well behaved.

When I moved into my own place at 19 I met XDP who was physically violent. I put up with it for 10 years because I felt that I wouldn't be welcome back home and as violent as XDP was, at least I had somewhere stable to live. Be careful OP, please don't make her feel as though she can't come back to you if she needs to.

She’s not homeless. She’s a rather manipulative young woman. She stayed at her sisters for one night and then went to college and instead of reflecting on her own actions decided to make the most of the drama and tell the college she’s ‘homeless’. I cynically wonder what assignment is missing or the like and whether this is a sympathy play.

I had one like this. It’s easy to blame the parents, but when you have 5 that never behaved like it, who had normal teen flare ups etc and still managed to behave like humans and 1 who was basically a thug you know that your parenting isn’t the issue.

My son got an ultimatum. Shape up or find somewhere more amenable to your needs to live. He was 17 too. He left.

This is my home, he was making it miserable for all of us. Behave like a thug. I’ll treat you like a thug. He walked out. Sofa surfed, finally got a job when everyone else got tired of his sponging. I didn’t shut the door to him, he came visited etc. 5 years on he lives here with his fiancée and baby and we get on again. I suppose he finally grew up and realised the world didn’t owe him anything.

So op when your eldest left for uni did you support her financially.

Not unreasonable to expect her to pay her own phone bill. But does she have the means right now to do that? Her behaviour was unacceptable and I won’t lie, I might have reacted the same way you did (disclaimer: my kids are younger and neither are teenagers yet) so no judgement on that. I need space to sort my head out too so someone following me around trying to reignite the argument this way would drive me mad.

From your daughters point of view though, maybe she panicked about not having a phone if she has no way to pay for it right now? She could obviously find a way though by earning her own money. And I can see why it is a safeguarding issue that she was effectively kicked out of the house for the night as she’s still under 18 and I guess the college automatically have to look into it.

This all leads back to the question. Does your dd have the means to pay for her phone? Have the two of you sat down and had an adult discussion about getting a job? Have you helped her to find a job?

The way you’re talking to posters and handling this thread I suspect maybe not. I’m not criticising you. You sound overwhelmed and undestandably so.

It sounds as if your eldest took all of this in her stride. Your dd2 isn’t and as the parent she needs help. Can you help her?

Larry
The college are doing exactly what they're supposed to do in the circumstances which is advocate for a minor in their care. They're pointing out to the op that she can't make her 17 daughter permanently homeless because she still has a legal responsibility to her until she's 18 regardless of the child (she's still a child legally) shitty behaviour. They're not going to say "oh she called you a cunt? Don't worry about the legalities then we're on your side".

Op from the way you're talking this is only temporary? Do you plan on taking your DD back and trying to sort this out? If so you just need to explain that to the college. If not then yes you ARE making her homeless

Is her sister giving her a bedroom that will henceforth be known as Claire's Bedroom (assuming her name is Claire which would be a very lucky guess), and saying she can stay as long as she likes, and altering the tenancy agreement to give your DD secure tenants rights? That doesn't seem likely. Obviously yes it's only one night so far and if you and she reconcile and she moves back home after a few days then talk of homelessness is unnecessary hyperbole. However if this situation persists and she stays with the sister for a while and then is told enough is enough and it's time to make proper arrangements, then her period of homelessness started the day you chucked her out, not the day the sister got sick of being the temporary solution.

I'm not arguing about whether or not you were right to chuck her out. But staying with a relative who doesn't have parental responsibility and had no legal obligation to let you stay is still homeless.

Your attention is diverted by older children, older children change the dynamic, you adjust your parenting style as you’ve been through it already...etc. Very very interesting and debunks a myth which ALOT of MN mums like to tout!

• this a billion times.

@tenorladybeaker she is back home?