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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is my friend being unreasonable?

259 replies

upsideup · 30/10/2018 15:32

My friend has a dd the same age as dd2(11). They are not best friends and originally only friends through us but hang out without us sometimes now they're older and so far have always been invited to each others parties.

DD1(23) is a makeup artist and my friend asked her if she could do makeup for her daughter and some of her friends before they go to her birthday party. DD1 doesn't normally do parties or kids makeup but because it was for my friend and she assumed dd2 would be there she agreed and offered a discounted price.

Originally dd1 was going to go to friends house in the afternoon to do their makeup before the party. She normally charges less when clients come to her which friend realised and changed the plan to drop her dd and friends round here in the morning and pick them up later asking for the price to be dropped further. DD1 agreed to this and dropped the price because she thought she was doing makeup for her sister so it wouldn't be so bad having and looking after them all at our house.

The invites were handed out last week and dd2 hasn't been invited. DD1 has also been given a list of the girls invited because some of them aren't allowed certain makeup, dd isn't on the list. I definitely don't think friends dd has to invite mine to her party but think it was really rude of friend to ask dd1 to do their makeup and host some of the party at our house if dd2 wasn't invited. We are going to have to take dd2 out somewhere that day so she's not in when her friends are downstairs getting their makeup done for a party she's not going to.
I'm really annoyed my friend didn't consider any of this and am putting off seeing her in case the party is mentioned as I dont know what to day. DD1 can't back out now but wouldnt have agreed to doing it if she knew dd2 wasnt going to be invited.

Do you think my friend is being unreasonable? Or am I and over thinking it?

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 30/10/2018 17:09

Wow she would not be my friend anymore! I would tell dd1 that the original plan sticks of her going to friends house, or not at all, as it is massively insensitive and not fair on your dd. Don't invite her dd, to your dd party either. Can't believe what a front she has, and that it would be ok rubbing your dd face in it like this.

dontalltalkatonce · 30/10/2018 17:13

A good rule for business is just no mate's rates. 'I'm sorry, but I don't mix business with personal life. I can recommend X if you'd like to use them.' We offered commercial cleaning and the number of times had clients who would try to add on another premise and then 'I'll pay you extra at invoice time' is unreal or even approach the staff and put them in a rough spot by telling them to clean another premise they were not hired to clean 'for a bit of extra cash'. 'Sorry, we can't accommodate add-ons without prior contractual permission or provide cash in hand work due to insurance and tax constraints.' The end, had that even written into the contract.

jay55 · 30/10/2018 17:13

Could your dd renegotiate the price as she wasn't planning to charge for her sister....

Janus · 30/10/2018 17:16

Unbelievable! I would absolutely contact friend and say something like
‘Hi, just got all the invites for the party. I had assumed my dd was going to be on the invite so that’s why I offered everyone to get ready here. As she isn’t I hope you can see that she’s going to find it upsetting watching all her friends get ready for a party she isn’t going to. Therefore we will have to move the ‘getting ready’ bit back to your house at the original price’.
Honestly, you’d have had them for quite a while, getting ready, providing drinks and probably a few snacks while she had a couple hours to herself!! She’s such a CF and it’s now her loss!
Be warned though, I bet she throws her toys out of the pram once you point this out!

PotteryLady · 30/10/2018 17:19

What Janus said!

Lonesurvivor · 30/10/2018 17:27

Text from your dd to your friend.

Hi mums friend, there seems to have been a misunderstanding between us re your dd party arrangements. I was willing to oblige and have all the girls in our home as I incorrectly assumed my sister would be one of the guests and of course I wasn't going to charge for my own sisters makeup so I reduced the price to reflect that.
Seeing as my sister isn't actually attending the party, which is perfectly fine, I'm sure you can understand I wouldn't be comfortable doing the party in our home while she is there, I expect you've probably over looked how inappropriate it would be to have my sister on the side lines while friends are enjoying party event in her home.
I can still facilitate by doing makeup as originally planned for the original price in your home if that suits you too?

dontalltalkatonce · 30/10/2018 17:28

Good suggestion, Janus.

drinkygin · 30/10/2018 17:29

I think ZoeZebra’s text is too nice! I would be asking if it was ok to relocate the party to her house, I would be telling her in no uncertain terms that you won’t be hosting half of her daughters party that your daughter isn’t invited to in her own home! Honestly I’m incensed the more I think about this.

Thewheelsarefallingoff · 30/10/2018 17:30

Do you think she left your Dd2 off the list assuming that dd1 would have already counted her/not charged her?

CantWaitToRetire · 30/10/2018 17:34

I think you have to relocate back to her house at the original rate, or cancel in a very businesslike manner, otherwise this CF could give a bad review on a FB page or something and that could do untold harm. Definitely change the booking (or cancel), but do so in a professional manner.

Justanothernameonthepage · 30/10/2018 17:37

Hmmm I would ask DD1 to call and say that insurance won't allow her to work on under 18s without someone to supervise them. So they can't be dropped off. But she is willing to work on them at another venue. (If she is. Otherwise: so sorry, not able to do it. Try X (any local make up artist).)

youarenotkiddingme · 30/10/2018 17:53

DD1 should (IMO) say that due to DD2 not being invited she will need to change back to the original plan and price to do make up at her house.

She should state clearly it's a conflict of interest for her to have to remove her sister from the house to do business there.

Butterymuffin · 30/10/2018 18:10

Janus's message is good. Send that.

homeishere · 30/10/2018 18:16

Just text your ‘friend’ (friendship is over now however you look at it really) and say (providing. DD1 still wants to do it):
‘Hi x, I hadn’t realised DD2 wasn’t invited to the party. DD1 is happy to do the makeup but she won’t host it here, as it’ll be too awkward for DD2. DD1 will be in touch regarding her fees for travelling etc’

Then, if DD2 is suddenly invited (and wants to attend) you can host it. If not you DD1 still does it and gets paid a bit more.

If DD1 doesn’t want to do it, then she should text and say a proper job has come up that day and she’ll be taking it.

cushioncuddle · 30/10/2018 18:18

Janus text is good but I would say your D would not be doing the makeup now due to her being uncaring to your other D's feelings.

Notfair2030 · 30/10/2018 18:22

Has she actually said your dd is not invited? As it's at your house surely that just means your dd is automatically invited... no?

frostywalkshotchocolate1 · 30/10/2018 18:30

Wow that is VILE, your friend is lucky you don't have a temper because I'd be kicking of. It's more than fair if her DD does not want to invite your DD that's kids.... but to then ask your older DD just to get a discount is disgusting !!!

TidyDancer · 30/10/2018 18:36

I know a thing or two about CFs but it's on another level when you're upsetting children. Your friend is no real friend to you. What a cock. Send a text cancelling your house as a location and if your older DD is in agreement, cancel her services as well.

Loftyswops988 · 30/10/2018 18:55

I would have thought as soon as she asked your DD1 to do makeup that it would go without saying that DD2 is invited? Especially if its at your house. Is it possible theres just miscommunication in that part?
Maybe text something along the lines of 'hey is DD2 invited to this party? not sure i'm comfortable with having the girls here if shes not going to be included'

Angrybird345 · 30/10/2018 19:11

Ask but what a CF. If you’re dd isn’t invited, please don’t hold it at your house.

ThrillitDontkillit · 30/10/2018 19:23

Is your friend normally this socially naive?

crosstalk · 30/10/2018 19:24

Do just check with the hosting mother first that dd2 is or isnt invited. A text will do.

If she says OMG of course she is, just presumed you'd know that, go from there.

If she demurs or is difficult, then consult DD1 and say whether she's still prepared to do it but not at your house or whatever and that the discount won't apply.

HippoLatte · 30/10/2018 19:27

Holy shit that's cheeky. I wouldn't be worried about letting them down now, just tell DD1 to cancel or send a msg telling CF she had only agreed when it was assumed DD2 was invited but they can all fuck off now.

Booboostwo · 30/10/2018 19:28

I don’t think you should write any of that apologetic, compromising, pandering stuff. You should just ask to confirm that DD2 is not invited to the party. Then your DD1 should text to day that unfortunately she’s has to cancel the job.

Nanasueathome · 30/10/2018 19:48

The OP has already said that there’s been no mention of the party to her or DD2 by either her friend or her friend’s DD and they are aware (via DD1) that there is something else arranged after the make up session but have no idea what
Going on that I would assume that DD2 is not invited
If the OP were to ask now there’s a possibility she could be added in but I don’t think that’s the way to go about it
DD1 just needs to let the friend know that that the make up session has to be at friend’s house and what her fee is

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