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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my friend being unreasonable?

259 replies

upsideup · 30/10/2018 15:32

My friend has a dd the same age as dd2(11). They are not best friends and originally only friends through us but hang out without us sometimes now they're older and so far have always been invited to each others parties.

DD1(23) is a makeup artist and my friend asked her if she could do makeup for her daughter and some of her friends before they go to her birthday party. DD1 doesn't normally do parties or kids makeup but because it was for my friend and she assumed dd2 would be there she agreed and offered a discounted price.

Originally dd1 was going to go to friends house in the afternoon to do their makeup before the party. She normally charges less when clients come to her which friend realised and changed the plan to drop her dd and friends round here in the morning and pick them up later asking for the price to be dropped further. DD1 agreed to this and dropped the price because she thought she was doing makeup for her sister so it wouldn't be so bad having and looking after them all at our house.

The invites were handed out last week and dd2 hasn't been invited. DD1 has also been given a list of the girls invited because some of them aren't allowed certain makeup, dd isn't on the list. I definitely don't think friends dd has to invite mine to her party but think it was really rude of friend to ask dd1 to do their makeup and host some of the party at our house if dd2 wasn't invited. We are going to have to take dd2 out somewhere that day so she's not in when her friends are downstairs getting their makeup done for a party she's not going to.
I'm really annoyed my friend didn't consider any of this and am putting off seeing her in case the party is mentioned as I dont know what to day. DD1 can't back out now but wouldnt have agreed to doing it if she knew dd2 wasnt going to be invited.

Do you think my friend is being unreasonable? Or am I and over thinking it?

OP posts:
ZoeZebra1 · 30/10/2018 16:28

I would send the following text
"Hi 'friend'
This is a bit awkward but DD2 hasn't received an invite to the party. Obviously is absolutely fine if she is not invited and doesn't expect to be. However we hadn't thought the whole make up thing through and it's going to be upsetting for her to see the girls getting ready and not be involved herself. Any chance we can relocate to your place?"

If she has any heart she will agree or say of course DD2 is invited!

SimplyPut · 30/10/2018 16:29

Clarify but if it's as suspected I would honestly pay my dd1 the fee and cancel!

JustMarriedAndLovingIt · 30/10/2018 16:31

Do not allow this to be hosted at your house! The feelings of your DD have to be more important than any worries about offending that CF. I assume you will no longer be friends after this.

ZoeZebra1 · 30/10/2018 16:35

Also agree that your daughter comes first with this, please don't allow her to be upset to save your friends feelings. Your friend hasn't thought of your daughter, you have to put her first!

Pfingstrose · 30/10/2018 16:37

Surely DD2 must be invited?! Can't imagine anyone could be so thoughtless otherwise 

SeaGreenSeaGlass · 30/10/2018 16:37

This could be a useful lesson for DD1 in running a business. There'll be other times that clients' expectations are miscommunicated, and DD1 would do well to be clear and assertive as soon as she finds out.

So in terms of clients negotiating terms and requesting discounts etc, DD1 is at a crossroads. How she responds could either mean she feels taken advantage of, or that she practices a bit of assertiveness and finds these conversations easier to deal with in the future. However she plays it, I hope she doesn't feel she has to use the word "sorry". It's hardly a genuine misunderstanding when the discount was predicated on mutual history and friendship. Also the idea of hosting the makeup party at yours - presumably the girls would want drinks and snacks while waiting their turn? Is hardly like a normal job with one or two clients, when it would be easier for them to come to you.

I hope that DD2 feels okay about how it all works out.

TokyoSushi · 30/10/2018 16:39

My God, I actually gasped when I read this.

f it is the case and your DD2 isn't invited then that's about the worst cheeky fuckery I've ever read.

user838383 · 30/10/2018 16:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FapandSnart · 30/10/2018 16:40

Agree with everyone else upthread. Total CFery.

Jellyonawonkyplate · 30/10/2018 16:40

Not sure I believe this as surely no-one could be so stupid? (Party mum)

Eliza9917 · 30/10/2018 16:44

I can only assume the friend has assumed she doesn't need to give your DD an invite. If that is not the case, get DD1 to pull out and you & your two daughters go out somewhere amazing for the day instead - And make sure your 'friend' knows about it.

hellojim · 30/10/2018 16:46

It's very unfair on your DD and puts your own friendship in an awkward position. She doesn't have to be invited but it's completely insensitive to do the preparation at your house. Is your older DD supposed to supervise the group of girls or will your friend be doing that. I would move the make-up session to another house and re-evaluate your friendship.
Your DD deserves to feel happy and relaxed in her own home rather than being quite literally pushed out by this group of people

dontalltalkatonce · 30/10/2018 16:47

Jesus what a CF. She sounds like she's taking advantage of being your friend and your DD's youth. Please don't hint or beat around the bush, your DD1 needs to learn to be clear in communication and be assertive. 'The original plan was to do the makeup at your home. I'd like to stick to this. Please let me know if this still works for you.' Bet she'll also want mate's rates and try to stall on paying. In all honesty, I'd cancel this booking. People like this are never worth working with, IME.

If your DD hasn't been invited and she finds this acceptable, honestly, get rid of this so-called friend. That's just an incredibly bitchy fucked up thing to do. Fuck that. 'I find your behaviour towards me and my child truly unacceptable. You wanted to use my home to host your party, with unsupervised children, and not invite my child. You're insultingly rude and I no longer want anything to do with you. Fuck you.'

BewareOfDragons · 30/10/2018 16:52

Actually, your DD1 CAN back out now and I would have her do so if that's what she wants to do. She offered her services to children, which she wouldn't normally do, and at a discounted price, which she wouldn't normally do, solely because she thought her sister would be there, too.

Tell your friend to fuck off.

NRPDad · 30/10/2018 16:55

Yep DD1 should contact CF and say she didn't realise DD2 was not invited to this party. As such it would be better to go round to CFs to do the kids makeup. DD2 can then have a normal day at home (or you can treat her to a day out if you wish).

You should also talk to CF separately and explain you are upset how DD2 wasn't invited given your relationship, the fact she was using DD1's services and the initial intention that the party kids were going to come to your house. Hopefully it will open her eyes a bit to her CFery.

If her response is bad, cut ties.

dontalltalkatonce · 30/10/2018 16:56

*Actually, your DD1 CAN back out now and I would have her do so if that's what she wants to do. She offered her services to children, which she wouldn't normally do, and at a discounted price, which she wouldn't normally do, solely because she thought her sister would be there, too.

Tell your friend to fuck off.*

I agree. You set a bad example to your kids when you allow others to treat you and them like utter shite. The fuck I would even consider taking my own daughter out of her own home so a so-called mate could come in and shit all over my own space by hosting a discounted party there using my other daughter for the services. To do this would just show them how little you value either one of them over CF dickheads.

TokyoSushi · 30/10/2018 16:57

@dontalltalkatonce amazing texts!

Fiveletters · 30/10/2018 16:57

I agree with almost everyone else. Don’t let them do it at your house. What a horrible woman to think this is ok.

jojo2232 · 30/10/2018 16:59

I agree with the text Zoe Zebra suggests sending, something along those lines - gives her the chance to say of course she's invited, or realise how horrid the situation is for your daughter if she is not invited.
Hope she is invited and it's all a misunderstanding!! x

dontalltalkatonce · 30/10/2018 17:01

I used to run a cleaning business and believe me, people don't have try to take the piss. You don't have to be rude, just very clear and direct. 'There appears to be a miscommunication. As I understand it . . . ' What most CFers rely on is that you'll be embarrassed, caught on the spot or too polite not to say, 'Hey, wait a sec, are you actually saying you want X, Y or Z?' 'I don't like confrontation'. If that's so, then running your own business is not for you. That's just part and parcel of the deal (because a lot of people don't want to pay, either!).

buzzlightyearandwoody · 30/10/2018 17:02

When your in business all you have is your moral compass and your principles fuck with that you end up with nothing.

CF friend must be thinking all sorts about you she probably thinks your soft. When she sees you at the school gates it'll be look theres stupid upsideup lets wave and smile and pretend. Is that what you call a friend you should say acquaintance its a better word to describe someone you don't no very well.

dontalltalkatonce · 30/10/2018 17:04

half try to take the piss, sorry.

BumsexAtTheBingo · 30/10/2018 17:04

Jesus! In your position op I’d give your dd the money myself if you can afford it in exchange for her going along with you calling your friend on the morning of the party to sadly inform her of your dds violent sickness bug which will mean she will unfortunately have to cancel.
What a piece of work your friend is!

Bunchofdaffodils · 30/10/2018 17:06

I’m shocked. What a CF!!

Chucky16 · 30/10/2018 17:09

If you say dd1 can’t do the makeup as dd2 isn’t invited, she may turn round and say that of course she is invited, then you won’t know if she was or not. Would dd2 really want to go under these circumstances. Personally I would phone and speak to this mother and if it goes as above and “of course dd2 was invited” say that’s fine and get dd1 to cancel the next day!! If she says no she isn’t invited just say neither she or her daughter are welcome at your home again as she has completely abused your friendship trying to get a cheap deal and no dd1 won’t be doing makeup anywhere.