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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Adored sister and gossipy school gate

215 replies

LisbethM · 30/10/2018 10:24

My sister has been diagnosed with a rare cancer that has a poor prognosis. We are very close and I love her very much. Our children attend the same school.

When she was diagnosed I immediately took time off work to be with her. In doing so I was forced to give a short and confidential explanation to a colleague (I simply said a member of my family was very unwell and she had small children I needed to assist with).

A few days later a parent at the school emailed my sister to see if she was “sick” as they had heard “on the grapevine” that I had an unwell family member. My beautiful and private sister was devastated by the thought of a “grapevine” in process, more so as she had not yet told her own children.

I was mortified and knew immediately it was my colleague who had spread the rumour. I confronted him and he immediately and unequivocally apologised. He is a good person and I forgave him. He spoke to the other couple who had emailed my sister.

That couple have not apologised, in fact they behave as though they are somehow aggrieved. They avoid my gaze at the school gate and are otherwise oblivious. I can’t move past it. I love my sister, she is gentle and dignified. She wants me to let it go because she can’t bear attention or conflict. But I find myself loathing this couple and wishing them ill. The feelings are overwhelming and perhaps are displaced grief. But what should I do? Confront the couple? Ask for an apology? Ignore and avoid?

I would appreciate opinions please to help me overcome these feelings and focus on my sister.

OP posts:
Haffiana · 30/10/2018 13:50

People do have to give some information when they suddenly disappear from work

Yes, they say they have an urgent private matter to attend to.

JessieMcJessie · 30/10/2018 13:50

Haffiana your comments are goady, hurtful and stupid. Do you have nothing better to do than trawl the internet looking for distressed people to upset?

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 30/10/2018 13:51

Haffiana They didn't - their email was a fishing expedition. Which you can clearly see if you read the OP's posts properly.

ForgivenessIsDivine · 30/10/2018 13:51

I don't think you should share any emotion with them, your anger and sadness should be shared with those who will support you and hold you up. And don't expect a response that you will be happy with. Just know that you have made yourself very clear and do not have any emotional engagement with whatever follows. Very hard I know!!! Protect your bubble and take action that helps you move on.

Haffiana · 30/10/2018 13:52

They DON'T know. They were going on a fishing expedition.

I missed the bit where they also emailed her other siblings, parents, OH etc etc?

ajandjjmum · 30/10/2018 13:52

You are particularly insensitive Haffiana. You are also wrong. Please go and leave the OP alone to figure out the best way through this - with help from constructive posters. Your input is just nasty.

Haffiana · 30/10/2018 13:54

This reply has been deleted

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ButchyRestingFace · 30/10/2018 13:54

You've changed your tune, @Haffiana. Confused

Isn't there a seatbelt somewhere that needs your attention?

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 30/10/2018 13:55

Haffiana what's happened in your life that you are so invested in making a clearly grieving woman even more upset? What are you getting out of this?

JessieMcJessie · 30/10/2018 13:55

OP, perhaps Haffiana is very cleverly trying to deflect all your anger on to her, thus letting you get it off your chest via Mumsnet. Well played Haffiana!

Havaina · 30/10/2018 13:56

Haffiana

They didn't know it was this particular sister that was ill, they had her email address because the kids are in the same school. So they were definitely fishing to find out who was the sick relative.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 30/10/2018 13:57

The point Lisbeth is making is that she's angry with the couple and, in my view, for very good reason - who on earth emails some one who could possibly be dying telling them that they looked fine last week - quite breathtaking and insensitive behaviour...

The OP understands that her colleague also did something wrong but she's been able to let that go and forgive because he did the decent thing, held his hands up and apologised unequivocally.

The question Lisbeth needs help with is how to manage her anger towards the couple - posters telling her she should be angry with the colleague are wilfully missing her point. She's forgiven the colleague because she has no reason to continue to be angry with some one who is genuinely sorry, and whose apology she's accepted.

When my sister was diagnosed with cancer and her prognosis was bad it generated many strong emotions and caused me to be angry in quite irrational ways OP, for example being angry with women who had more than one sister (I had only one who I was about to lose and eventually did lose) or angry with people who had fallen out with their sister (I was incredibly close to mine).

I understand your anger and feel to a degree that it is justified (how dare these people butt in to your lives so insensitively and cause such distress and then not apologise) I probably wouldn't confront them - but then I hate confrontation - but if you feel it would help you then it might be worth doing.
And shame on those posters telling the OP that she is at fault.

ParkheadParadise · 30/10/2018 13:58

I've been where you are LisbethM
When my dd was murdered people whio I thought were friends were talking behind my back.
It didn't help that it was reported in the papers and the local news.
It was awful, the anger I felt towards them was like nothing I have ever felt.
It was made worse by the fact they were nice to my face.
I wouldn't say anything to them, they will know what they have done.
Some people are just nasty arseholes.

Haffiana · 30/10/2018 13:58

Isn't there a seatbelt somewhere that needs your attention?

I honestly have no idea what this means, Butchy?

ButchyRestingFace · 30/10/2018 13:58

Oh no, my bad!

There are TWO almost identically named posters on this thread, with opposing views.

How unfortunate for the other one! Grin

LisbethM · 30/10/2018 14:02

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad that is very well summarised. Yes that is exactly my feelings and the situation.

I am sorry about your sister. Flowers I am very close to my sister also. And still I am floored by the depth of my sadness and fear. I hope you found a way through the darkness

OP posts:
Havaina · 30/10/2018 14:03

Butchy

What the actual fuck are you on about Butchy? You have some of the most awful posts I have seen on MN.

LisbethM · 30/10/2018 14:04

ParkheadParadise Truly I am so so so sorry to hear about your daughter. Life can be so full of sorrow. Take such care.

OP posts:
allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 30/10/2018 14:05

Dear X and X,
I was with dear sister shortly after she received your email last week. She is feeling understandably vulnerable and protective of her family at the moment and was upset to feel that she was the subject of playground gossip and that her children might hear of her illness before she had a chance to prepare them. I am upset that the information I gave to colleague was used to in such a way to cause hurt to dear sis. I have already discussed this with colleague and he has apologised. I trust you will exercise discretion with any other information regarding this matter.
Lisbeth

I prefer the wording of this email

Haffiana · 30/10/2018 14:08

This reply has been deleted

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JessieMcJessie · 30/10/2018 14:08

Yes, it’s better than mine, cannot be remotely interpreted as hysterical or overreacting. I know it’s an unpopular view but I think you should send it.

ButchyRestingFace · 30/10/2018 14:08

What the actual fuck are you on about Butchy? You have some of the most awful posts I have seen on MN.

That's what I was referring to, @Haffaina.

Havaina · 30/10/2018 14:12

Oh wow we've got one of MN's most prolifically offensive posters trying to don a halo.

Grow up Butchy.

ButchyRestingFace · 30/10/2018 14:17

Oh wow we've got one of MN's most prolifically offensive posters trying to don a halo.

I have no idea what you're talking about. I can only suggest that if you find my posts routinely offensive then you report them. You maybe do that already. ¯\(ツ)

I definitely got Haffaina confused with you on this thread, due to the similarity in names, and though that she had changed her position rather sharpish. So apologies to both of you on that front.

Topseyt · 30/10/2018 14:18

Why do some people not seem to understand that if you need time off work you very often need to explain to a colleague (most often your team manager) the reasons why?

You don't then expect that colleague/manager to then go and divulge that information anywhere else.

OP did NOT start the grapevine. She quite reasonably gave the reason why she needed to take leave from work. She didn't give him carte blanche to go and blab outside the confines of his office. A lawyer in particular should have known to refrain from that.

OP, I am sorry to hear about your sister, and that you find yourself in this situation. Part of your anger needs to be with your colleague for this breach of confidentiality. The rest should be with these two from the school gate. They too clearly used no discretion or common sense and the email they sent was hugely intrusive and insensitive.

I would pick one of the suggested replies on here and send it to them. I think Jessie's was a good one. I think they need to feel some consequence for what they did. After sending it I would then just block and ignore them indefinitely.

That is my instinct though. I also understand those saying send nothing, though don't think I would be able to stop myself.

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