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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Adored sister and gossipy school gate

215 replies

LisbethM · 30/10/2018 10:24

My sister has been diagnosed with a rare cancer that has a poor prognosis. We are very close and I love her very much. Our children attend the same school.

When she was diagnosed I immediately took time off work to be with her. In doing so I was forced to give a short and confidential explanation to a colleague (I simply said a member of my family was very unwell and she had small children I needed to assist with).

A few days later a parent at the school emailed my sister to see if she was “sick” as they had heard “on the grapevine” that I had an unwell family member. My beautiful and private sister was devastated by the thought of a “grapevine” in process, more so as she had not yet told her own children.

I was mortified and knew immediately it was my colleague who had spread the rumour. I confronted him and he immediately and unequivocally apologised. He is a good person and I forgave him. He spoke to the other couple who had emailed my sister.

That couple have not apologised, in fact they behave as though they are somehow aggrieved. They avoid my gaze at the school gate and are otherwise oblivious. I can’t move past it. I love my sister, she is gentle and dignified. She wants me to let it go because she can’t bear attention or conflict. But I find myself loathing this couple and wishing them ill. The feelings are overwhelming and perhaps are displaced grief. But what should I do? Confront the couple? Ask for an apology? Ignore and avoid?

I would appreciate opinions please to help me overcome these feelings and focus on my sister.

OP posts:
Orchiddingme · 30/10/2018 12:51

I would let it go. I've been in a similar situation. People do and say things unexpected and sometimes crass in these situations- before you know it, people will know (or know there is serious illness anyway and speculate), and say tactless things like 'I'm sure she'll get better' or suggest all manner of cures and healing potions ('think positive' I really believe white cells respond to this' was another classic). which you didn't ask for whatsoever.

The couple and the original gossip were all in the wrong, but my feeling is that if you start going around telling everyone who says something tactless or a bit inappropriate when they hear about the cancer diagnosis, you'll spend a lot of time and energy on the wrong people. Often people are coming from a place of concern, wanting to help, or just perhaps in that selfish way want to reassure themselves about what's going on. I agree this is wrong but no good will come from that email, I don't even believe you will feel better for sending it and it will create an ongoing conflict (as their narrative will be 'we were just reaching out to see if we can help) which will be more unpleasant than just ignoring them from now on.

It's hard to control information- if it's shocking and disturbing, people will need to tell (the lawyer should have told his partner in confidence) to make sense and cope with their own emotions. Also once the children know, they will also need to talk- and that might include to their peers/wider friends and so on- it will be hard to avoid being the subject of the grapevine though I totally agree that they took this out of your sister's hands.

I have hated being part of the gossip these past few years but I don't take it personally or feel distressed by it anymore.

LisbethM · 30/10/2018 12:53

I don’t care about their reaction really. I just want to feel better myself. I don’t care how they spin it. My sister is a sweet and quiet person, she is very well regarded. Noone will alienate her.

OP posts:
TeddybearBaby · 30/10/2018 12:53

Don’t send it if you’re not sure. You can’t take words back but I’m a counsellor and I don’t see your anger as misplaced, I see it as justifiable.

Don’t let it eat you up inside though, it needs to come out somehow. Take care x

Cherries101 · 30/10/2018 12:53

I would confront them loudly at the school gate but that’s me. I will always ensure people who make me or mine suffer will get it back with both guns blazing (and a grenade up the ass) but you’re probably handling it better than I would.

Quartz2208 · 30/10/2018 12:54

OP you do need to purge your grief and rage - but they are not the source of it, just an easy stand in.

The email will simply make you and your sister exactly what she doesnt want - the centre of gossip. And that time it would be you who started it. Please dont do that to either of you

bumblenbean · 30/10/2018 12:55

I don’t have any useful advice to add to what you’ve already received on this thread OP but I just wanted to say how sorry I am for you and your sister. I wish you both strength. She is lucky to have such a protective and kind hearted sister Flowers

LisbethM · 30/10/2018 12:55

Orchiddingme that is wise advice. Especially as you have been through something similar. Thank you for sharing it. X

OP posts:
LisbethM · 30/10/2018 12:57

TeddybearBaby thank you so much for understanding. I posted because I truly don’t want to be this angry at them. I want to let it go and I don’t know how Sad

OP posts:
Missingstreetlife · 30/10/2018 12:58

Sorry for your sister's news. You should not have told your colleague (he is still wrong). You have to tell your manager to get special leave,they should not tell anyone except their boss or personnel on a need to know basis. If they do you have grounds for complaint.
Don't waste energy on these people, enjoy the time you have with your sister

Lizzie48 · 30/10/2018 12:58

It would be much better not to send the email, thinking about it. I hope it's been cathartic writing it, however.

Orchiddingme · 30/10/2018 12:58

LisbethM it is quite horrible to be the subject of general nosiness if you are a quiet and private person like your sister sounds. I have found this very hard. You become 'that family' (you know, the one who is...) and even though it mainly does come from concern- it feels very intrusive. I don't have any wise advice on how to handle this, but I do send you my best wishes.

Longtalljosie · 30/10/2018 13:01

Honestly - don't send it. They'll forward it and use it to foment a shit storm.

There's a woman at my school gate who genuinely thinks my emergency cancer screening last year is a horrible thing that happened to her. She thinks I was horrible to her (and continue to be) as I didn't tell her exactly what was the matter with me, when she saw me looking stressed out one morning. When she overheard me telling a close friend that I'd heard back and things were fine, she had a complete fit about it.

These people feed off drama, and will make anything into drama. Terrible news like yours attracts them. They are sad people and are best ignored.

LisbethM · 30/10/2018 13:01

Orchiddingme thank you. I send all my best wishes back to you and yours.

OP posts:
Longtalljosie · 30/10/2018 13:01

Oh and - for heavens sake, of course you didn't start the bloody grapevine!

Longtalljosie · 30/10/2018 13:02

(that frustration not aimed at you - aimed at others Flowers)

TeddybearBaby · 30/10/2018 13:03

It’s a scary feeling isn’t it! So out of control. If you don’t want to speak to them you can still write what you like and burn it or rip it up angrily. Anything that you can do to get the anger out safely.......... go for a run throw things (safely like on a bed), painting / colouring is great. You could distract yourself when they enter your head - I don’t really like that idea because I think it stays with you but you may have to sometimes. Crying is really good for you so don’t hold back if the tears come.

Talking is great so maybe have some counselling.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 30/10/2018 13:03

Jeez....

Why can't people get it through their thick heads.... If I am seriously ill... I will make sure that people who need to know, know...

It is completely shit for the couple to go on a fishing expedition to try and find 'which close relative' of OP is ill.....and cause distress to the sister...

They're just gossips hoping to grief surf....

This happened to me... I was told to prepare myself and the medics believed I had metastasing ovarian cancer... Which most likely would be a terminal diagnosis...

I confided in 3 close pals/family members...
It stayed confidential... My other pals knew after I had been given a less scary diagnosis...

I would have been appalled if some random person I saw at the school gates started digging...

Workreturner · 30/10/2018 13:06

@IamtheDevilsAvocado

This happened to me... I was told to prepare myself and the medics believed I had metastasing ovarian cancer... Which most likely would be a terminal diagnosis...

Good heavens they said this to you without a diagnosis?

BunnyCake · 30/10/2018 13:06

Thanks for your wishes LisbethM
Sending Flowers to you

tiredgirly · 30/10/2018 13:09

They're just gossips hoping to grief surf....

You cant possibly know that. where I live people rally round to help the sick and the suffering

LisbethM · 30/10/2018 13:09

Ha! Thanks longtalljosie

OP posts:
IamtheDevilsAvocado · 30/10/2018 13:12

PS actually? If it were me I would want to tell the couple what impact their nosiness has caused...

Too often gossips get NO consequences for their truly vile tittle tattle....

Dear nosy school gaters...

I understand my colleague mentioned to you the serious illness of my close relative... He didn't know that this was confidential and only close family and friends know.. You weren't to know this...

However ... You emailing my sister, to try and fish for who/where /what and why was massively clumsy and abhorrently intrusive.

This has caused massively unnecessary stress and upset in our family. We are trying to concentrate on our much loved family member and process this news.

If we wanted you, or other acquaintances to know... We WOULD have told you...

Please do not spread gossip about our family. It only causes us distress. Please respect our privacy.

Sincerely

Op

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 30/10/2018 13:14

Yes, I was told this.... Confused.

But if people are hoping to help... You don't go on a shitty fishing expedition....

frogsoup · 30/10/2018 13:14

I understand your distress, because it doesn't seem like this couple acted out of concern. But you need to steel yourself for the fact that when news does get out there WILL be a grapevine. Some people are emotional vampires, drawn to drama and gossip, thats the reality. But for the most part, sharing bad news about someone in a community comes from love, concern and a desire to help. When my ds was critically ill I was aware of being a subject of local conversation - but equally, near strangers dropped food and presents off for us at the hospital, and we were inundated by offers of help from all sides. If your sister is very private, then you will need a strategy to manage this concern that doesn't involve you reacting with fury and deep distress. It may at this stage be appropriate to tell people that though you appreciate their support, you mainly need privacy as a family - though equally, your sister may in time come to value outside assistance.

I really wouldn't send that email, you can hear your grief howling out, but nothing but more emotional trauma will come from sending it.

Missingstreetlife · 30/10/2018 13:19

Sometimes it's helpful to write it all down, but not send it, tear it up or burn it. Samaritans good for a rant. You have had a big shock, be nice to yourself