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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Adored sister and gossipy school gate

215 replies

LisbethM · 30/10/2018 10:24

My sister has been diagnosed with a rare cancer that has a poor prognosis. We are very close and I love her very much. Our children attend the same school.

When she was diagnosed I immediately took time off work to be with her. In doing so I was forced to give a short and confidential explanation to a colleague (I simply said a member of my family was very unwell and she had small children I needed to assist with).

A few days later a parent at the school emailed my sister to see if she was “sick” as they had heard “on the grapevine” that I had an unwell family member. My beautiful and private sister was devastated by the thought of a “grapevine” in process, more so as she had not yet told her own children.

I was mortified and knew immediately it was my colleague who had spread the rumour. I confronted him and he immediately and unequivocally apologised. He is a good person and I forgave him. He spoke to the other couple who had emailed my sister.

That couple have not apologised, in fact they behave as though they are somehow aggrieved. They avoid my gaze at the school gate and are otherwise oblivious. I can’t move past it. I love my sister, she is gentle and dignified. She wants me to let it go because she can’t bear attention or conflict. But I find myself loathing this couple and wishing them ill. The feelings are overwhelming and perhaps are displaced grief. But what should I do? Confront the couple? Ask for an apology? Ignore and avoid?

I would appreciate opinions please to help me overcome these feelings and focus on my sister.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 30/10/2018 12:31

Now you’ve said what they said I can understand how distressing a mail like this would be and puts a different perspective on things. Could you write the letter to them but not actually send it? Very therapeutic and would allow you to say things, you know you don’t want in the open. Then either burn it or keep it or some such.

Lizzie48 · 30/10/2018 12:32

Quite clearly, it's the colleague who is at fault for mentioning your DSis's illness in the first place but he's plainly mortified to have caused you and your DSis pain. So you're still feeling very angry about the hurt caused to your DSis but you can't be angry with your colleague because he was so apologetic.

Your anger is understandably now directed towards the couple who sent the email to your DSis, and were clearly only interested in gaining information, not asking if they could help. (And sadly they were probably looking for something they would be able to gossip about.)

So I would understand if you felt the need to confront them. It might well help you if you can do this, but I think an email would be better than face to face, as you'll have evidence as to what you actually wrote and can't be accused of actually threatening them. And that way you can ask a friend to read it before you send it.

I'm so sorry your family is going through this. 

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/10/2018 12:32

To add I mean, they’re not very nice so actually writing something to them will be pointless and allow for more gossip.

ForgivenessIsDivine · 30/10/2018 12:33

Do find a way to rage.. it won't be the last time.

Your pain comes through in your posts.

I wish your family the comfort and cocooning you will need through this.

LisbethM · 30/10/2018 12:34

I thought I would email this.
Dear Mr and Mrs X
You may have noticed how upset I have been generally and I suppose at you both. I love my sister very much and your email caused her great distress. Anyone who knows her knows how fiercely she guards her privacy and her family. The thought that she was part of a “grapevine” was terrifying to her. If it was sent with good intent it was received with horror. Because of the circumstances of that day (which you would not have been aware of) I have found it very hard to let go of my anger toward you both. I’m sorry for that. I think it comes from a place of fierce love for my sister. I hope sending this will help me recover from my anger and help you understand it.

Thanks

OP posts:
LisbethM · 30/10/2018 12:36

What do you think?

OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 30/10/2018 12:36

'how in gods green earth am I at fault?'

'because you know your sister wanted to keep it quiet and yet told your colleague.you started the grapevine!'

How unkind, to write this about an OP who is clearly suffering.

LisbethM · 30/10/2018 12:36

Folk who think I started the grapevine need not respond Smile

OP posts:
Workreturner · 30/10/2018 12:36

OP you have bigger concerns. Let it go.

I’m so sorry about your sister

InfiniteVariety · 30/10/2018 12:37

How about including the sentence:

"I'm sorry if my colleague led you to believe that sending that email was the right thing to do. It wasn't but I acknowledge it might have been hard for you to know that"

Workreturner · 30/10/2018 12:39

Sometimes when we are really upset and anxious about something, we look for other channels to vent our feelings rather then the real cause.

LisbethM · 30/10/2018 12:39

bunnycake so much love to you. I am so sorry to hear about your husband. I hope you are finding a way through your grief 💐

OP posts:
DontCallMeCharlotte · 30/10/2018 12:39

I am so, so sorry for the situation your sister and you and your family find yourselves in Flowers

As for your playground "gossips", I can think of several reasons why they haven't approached you. Perhaps, even if they've got the brains to realise they've "done wrong", they will be considering your sister as the "victim" of their insensitivity as she's the one who is ill and whom they emailed, not you.

Or perhaps they're just incredibly embarrassed at what they've done and don't know how to broach it.

Or perhaps they just have no idea what to say to you now they know your sister is ill? It is possible they will have no idea how their actions were wrong or how they've affected you.

I understand you're angry with them but I do think you're misdirecting your energy. You've all got a long hard road ahead of you. OP you need to channel your sisterly love and concentrate on your wonderful sister and her needs.

(My own sister died this year and there was a lot of secrecy on the part of her grown up daughter which I'm not actually sure helped anyone, least of all my sister. But that's just our family.)

TeddybearBaby · 30/10/2018 12:40

I think maybe make it crystal clear to not mention anything to your sister from now on or the children but it’s good and says everything you want to say.

ButchyRestingFace · 30/10/2018 12:40

I would only email them if you're prepared for a response you may not like, which could make you feel even worse. Are you?

It may turn be that they repudiate your colleague's version of events.

Weathermonger · 30/10/2018 12:40

I have three sisters, so I can only imagine what you are going through and my heart goes out to you and your sister. If these women aren't that close to you or your sister, I'd be tempted not to contact them - it might unwittingly give them more to gossip about. Try if you can to ignore them, which I'm sure is easier said than done. I sincerely hope for the best outcome for your sister.

Quartz2208 · 30/10/2018 12:43

OP have you been offered any counselling - this is anger and grief from the diagnosis being displaced and you know it. However gossipy and wrong they were your reaction is based on that. Nothing from them is going to solve it because nothing can solve your real issue. You need to let it go for YOU

Confronting them anything like that is just going to put you and your sister front and centre of the gossips. Let it go towards them and get on with their own lives. I am so sorry for this diagnosis

tiredgirly · 30/10/2018 12:43

DON'T send that email, it is grossly unreasonable. I know you are in shock at the moment , but the couple have really done nothin wron. It is common for a community to want to help someone who is ill, and quite apart from that had no idea your sister hadn't told anyone

InfiniteVariety · 30/10/2018 12:43

Good point ButchyRestingFace it might well provoke a response in which they angrily justify themselves leaving the OP feeling worse

LisbethM · 30/10/2018 12:44

dontcallmecharlotte I am so sorry to hear about your sister. Yes it is true secrecy is not healthy generally. I think for my own sister controlling the “grapevine” was so important to her because she wanted to tell her children in the best way and she was researching that. She was and is aware that you can’t keep terminal illness secret very long!!! Much love to you and your niece

OP posts:
BaronessBlonde · 30/10/2018 12:44

Lisbeth, I think you have been getting a hard time on this thread but it is AIBU.

I think you've been very wise and insightful to identify that your anger with this couple is probably more related to your own grief than their transgression.

My own reaction in the circumstances would be similar- I am allergic to being anyone's gossip over coffee.

Saying all that, then I don't think it is wise to send any email to these people (or your colleague, or anyone else).
It can be (deliberately or otherwise) mis-read, and in the wrong hands, will be used as fuel for further drama.

Write some "unspeakable, unsinkable" letters; one for silly colleague, and a further one for this couple.
Then, focus your energy on your sister/nieces/nephews.
Flowers

Quartz2208 · 30/10/2018 12:45

Do not send the email - they wont understand it and it wont help

Havaina · 30/10/2018 12:47

Hi OP, I would remove 'I'm sorry for that'. You have done nothing to be sorry about. They may take it as you apologising to them.

Also, I would replace 'terrifying' with 'deeply upsetting' and 'horror' with 'great distress'.

tiredgirly · 30/10/2018 12:48

.
Do you not think they will put it round how they sent a kind email enquiring how things were, and got a shitstorm in return.Noone else will dare to offer help, and you will effectively have alienated your Dsis

LisbethM · 30/10/2018 12:49

Oh. I was so hoping you would all say “Send it! Purge your grief and rage!”. But it is probably wise not to send it. I am certainly not in any sane state to judge my own behaviour.

OP posts: