Adored sister and gossipy school gate

[LisbethM]

My sister has been diagnosed with a rare cancer that has a poor prognosis. We are very close and I love her very much. Our children attend the same school.

When she was diagnosed I immediately took time off work to be with her. In doing so I was forced to give a short and confidential explanation to a colleague (I simply said a member of my family was very unwell and she had small children I needed to assist with).

A few days later a parent at the school emailed my sister to see if she was “sick” as they had heard “on the grapevine” that I had an unwell family member. My beautiful and private sister was devastated by the thought of a “grapevine” in process, more so as she had not yet told her own children.

I was mortified and knew immediately it was my colleague who had spread the rumour. I confronted him and he immediately and unequivocally apologised. He is a good person and I forgave him. He spoke to the other couple who had emailed my sister.

That couple have not apologised, in fact they behave as though they are somehow aggrieved. They avoid my gaze at the school gate and are otherwise oblivious. I can’t move past it. I love my sister, she is gentle and dignified. She wants me to let it go because she can’t bear attention or conflict. But I find myself loathing this couple and wishing them ill. The feelings are overwhelming and perhaps are displaced grief. But what should I do? Confront the couple? Ask for an apology? Ignore and avoid?

I would appreciate opinions please to help me overcome these feelings and focus on my sister.

[Missingstreetlife]

Sometimes it's best to sit with our feelings and let them work through. Clearly all these leaky buckets can't do that and are being quite inappropriate. It's a shock and it's natural to talk about it but the person it's happening to is most important.
Make a wax model and stick pins in it, the old ones are the best.
Winstons wish and Marie curie do good work in this area, for your sister and dc. Cruse may help you. Macmillan or hospital social worker may be good, but no guarantee.

[Missingstreetlife]

Don't do anything without your sisters say so. She is already out of control. Sorry op it's not about you, let her decide. Take care

[Tidy2018]

It may help if you speak to the school principal about the Noseys. He or she may well be aware of the dynamics around these kinds of people, and can ask staff to keep an ear open for anything being said by children or parents in the playground.

[stopfuckingshoutingatme]

I am sorry OP
It’s misplaced anger as you stated . It’s funny how when we have a shit storm it’s often the petty things that tip us over the edge . Always happens .


Quite how this thread kicked off I don’t know . Nowt as queer as folk

Wishing you lots of strength for the months and years ahead . It doesn’t sound easy at all and .... just look after yourself as well . It’s hard supporting a loved one through cancer . Get strong and ready .

[Ifoundanacorn]

My heart goes out to you, and when faced with this I understand your sisters need for privacy and to deal with the deepest emotions possible, and not for a sea of sympathy wherever she goes. This must be honoured by everyone around her.

If you trust yourself, ask for a quiet word and for their confidence keeping this quiet. Explain the importance of the children not finding out, this is your sisters wish and it must be respected. This should settle any concern you have about others finding out.

Then put your energy into finding a million special ways to spend with your sister. So many ways you can help her enjoy her life, her children and to make the most of her time. God bless all of you 💐💐💐💐

[derxa]

People love to gossip. They don't understand the extreme hurt they cause. This is displaced anger as you know. Don't let it fester like I did.
I would have a quiet word with the couple but choose your words carefully.

[tiredgirly]

The cat is out of the bad now, and your sister really needs to get on with talking to her kids, before someone else does.

[StroppyWoman]

My heart goes out to you and your sisters (all of them) LisbethM
In some ways the awful nosy couple provided a service - a focus for the rage and pain you naturally feel in the circumstances. What they did was callous and stupid, although probably not malicious. I'm a clueless blunderer myself quite a lot, because I'm not remotely private and it bemuses me when other people are.
I wish the very best for you and your family. Vent your spleen here to the full extent of your rage - we're all here and we listen and care.
Then deep breaths and back to the real world, hopefully having shed a little of your burden.

(Personally I favour inventing curses - "may your nights be plagues with toothache and your days by trapped wind" )

[ButchyRestingFace]

OP This has literally only just occurred to me: did you sister reply to the mail? Am wondering if she (understandably) did not and no-one else had then do they actually know now that A: your lovely sis IS ill; B: that emphatically that remains private information?

Or maybe colleague revealed a bit more than he admitted?

[SophiaLovesSummer]

OP This has literally only just occurred to me: did you sister reply to the mail? Am wondering if she (understandably) did not and no-one else had then do they actually know now that A: your lovely sis IS ill; B: that emphatically that remains private information?

If not, the concern has to be that they will pass it on further, gossip (just yuck) about it more. Apologies if flagging this adds to your worry but I'm just concerned that, if they have NOT yet been shut down emphatically, they may go on to makes matters worse?

Apologies if this has been mentioned anywhere and I've missed it, am literally just trying to roll the tape forward and prevent any further infringements upon your family's right to privacy

[3luckystars]

You nkw what, you might never let it go. They are assholes.

People do stupid ignorant things and at a time like this, what they did might stay with you forever. You have every right to be mad at them.

But put it to one side and decide today that no matter who says what to you during this difficult time, that you will file it away, not dwell on it, and you will make the most of every day left with your sister and can ignore these people for the rest of your life if you want to because they are not worth one more second of your time.

Love to you and your family.

[Genevieva]

@Mummyoflittledragon it might irritate them, but it doesn't contain any content to gossip about and it reminds them that being a gossip isn't a good thing. Mr and Mrs Nosy will surmise that they have guessed right if they receive an e-mail detailing the emotional impact on the sisters. They won't show discretion with that information. They will immediately use it to say "Did you know Lisbeth's sister is terribly ill."

Obviously the truth will out before long, but Lisbeth's sister has the right to control the when and the how. Usually it involves telling the school confidentially shortly before telling the children, so the school are ready to cope with any fallout at school. It is useful to keep a dialogue open with school along the lines of 'We have told the kids X and Y, but we don't want to tell them Z until a later date'. Schools should guard this information carefully - usually only staff who have direct contact with the children will be informed and they will be duty bound not to gossip. The OP's sister needs to decide in her own time whether she wants to let the information come out at a later point, or whether she wants to take control of it soon after she tells her kids by sending a group e-mail to all parents of her children's classmates saying she has cancer and is undergoing some therapy, she would be grateful if they didn't tell their children at this stage, as her children have only recently found out and are digesting the information in their own ways, However, she wants to make them aware that their children may come home with some questions. If she chooses this route, she doesn't need to say what sort of cancer or that she is terminally ill. If Mr and Mrs Nosy ask for more details, the OP can say it has a complicated name that she can't remember and leave it at that. Nosy e-mails can be ignored.

[PawneeParksDept]

Some of the comments are disgraceful

The couple were clearly fishing for gossip, the OP did not gossip she was obtaining leave on compassionate grounds

They had no idea who was ill or with what and really overstepped and need to be told

💐 OP

[HopeMumsnet]

Hi all,
We have made several deletions of posts that we feel are emphatically not in the spirit of Mumsnet, please can we ask you all to cast an eye over the MN guidelines and take into consideration the circumstances of the OP and her sister before posting further?

[ButchyRestingFace]

There is no need for you to be concerned on our behalf, and we would be grateful if you could refrain from talking about us."

There's nothing to say they that have been talking about OP's sister, really. I think that line could just inflame them.

I'd compose a most splenetic riposte, saying everything I wanted to say. And then not send it.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Or something like eightoclock sent. That one though is more likely to create gossip against you though op.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

I like Jessies email as it is more devoid of emotion. That’s what you want if you send it. These people aren’t friends. You don’t need to be friendly. I would miss the sentence out about her looking fine. Or say “Telling a terminally ill woman she looked fine last week is understandably very upsetting.” More dry. Less drama. If you give them any drama they will feed off it.

While what ForgivenessIsDivine said is eloquent and beautiful it also shows them your heart and to me indicates they may have a way “in”. These people don’t deserve such consideration. They deserve a very polite fuck off.

[eightoclock]

I agree with @genevieve, keep it cold and vague. Would send the following

"I gather that my colleague's wife told you some second hand confidential information about my family. There is no need for you to be concerned on our behalf, and we would be grateful if you could refrain from talking about us."

They sound like awful people and no doubt would enjoy the drama of having upset you and your family.

[Tinkobell]

I agree with @Leder, it's a very fraught time emotionally. People don't act in character you're under massive stress and probably feel very helpless. V understandable.

[Tinkobell]

@Haffiana - she needed bloody time off work that's why she told the colleague ffs! I'm sure the OP wouldn't have told anyone herself other than for necessity of needing some cover at work or an explanation of just vanishing. I'm sure the OP has probably berated herself enough or too much without you wading in.

[Leder]

My sister had some pretty crazy symptoms this summer and was immediately put on the oncology pathway. Whilst waiting for a diagnosis I also found myself in a mini feud with an acquaintance (I'm an extremely unconfrontational individual). Think it's only human to want to find some sort of emotional outlet. The intensity of my feelings certainly dulled with time. Please just follow your gentle sister's wishes, surround her with love and positivity. Those insensitive arseholes don't deserve a second of your time.

You and your family are in my prayers

[Lizzie48]

@Haffiana

You truly are a vile human being who takes pleasure in kicking people when they're down.

There, I've addressed it to the right poster!

[Havaina]

But note that the grieving etc. OP is furious with the couple (and oh, rude emails are being planned!! Drama!! Join in!!), not with her colleague for discussing it, nor with herself for discussing it with the colleague.

But OP has already said she's not going to send the email. So no drama. And she was angry at colleague but he apologised. A genuine apology often softens people. Even a judge lowers sentences if an offender shows genuine remorse.

[Haffiana]

SophiaLovesSummer would you tell a work colleague a personal, private secret your sister told you in confidence?

Would you blame the colleague or yourself if it got out?

Would you tell your sister it was your fault and apologise, or would you blame some random couple who as a direct result heard about it?