Adored sister and gossipy school gate

[LisbethM]

My sister has been diagnosed with a rare cancer that has a poor prognosis. We are very close and I love her very much. Our children attend the same school.

When she was diagnosed I immediately took time off work to be with her. In doing so I was forced to give a short and confidential explanation to a colleague (I simply said a member of my family was very unwell and she had small children I needed to assist with).

A few days later a parent at the school emailed my sister to see if she was “sick” as they had heard “on the grapevine” that I had an unwell family member. My beautiful and private sister was devastated by the thought of a “grapevine” in process, more so as she had not yet told her own children.

I was mortified and knew immediately it was my colleague who had spread the rumour. I confronted him and he immediately and unequivocally apologised. He is a good person and I forgave him. He spoke to the other couple who had emailed my sister.

That couple have not apologised, in fact they behave as though they are somehow aggrieved. They avoid my gaze at the school gate and are otherwise oblivious. I can’t move past it. I love my sister, she is gentle and dignified. She wants me to let it go because she can’t bear attention or conflict. But I find myself loathing this couple and wishing them ill. The feelings are overwhelming and perhaps are displaced grief. But what should I do? Confront the couple? Ask for an apology? Ignore and avoid?

I would appreciate opinions please to help me overcome these feelings and focus on my sister.

Thank you everyone. Xxx

Good lord!

How has the op gossiped ? Telling someone IN CONFIDENCE a discreet piece of information that is relevant to the situation in hand, and is your own life to talk about, is not gossip.
What a nasty thing to say to a woman in this tragic situation. Why bother posting at all.

Haffiana, I'm trying to work out whether you're part of the nosey couple or just a deeply unpleasant and unkind person.

Please don’t feed the drama by emailing this couple anything. You would be giving them exactly what they crave, which is a way to make your sister’s heartbreaking situation into a means of gaining attention for themselves. Emailing them will lead to the whole situation spiralling out of control, which is the last thing you or your sister need.

Your colleague was extraordinarily unprofessional given your line of work, and if you start sending emails around and the situation does blow up there may well be repercussions for him, and it doesn’t sound like pursuing that is a road you want to go down.

Finally- and I mean this in the gentlest possible way, because your pain and grief are clear from your posts- your feelings and anger towards this couple are not the most important aspect of the situation. Your sister’s feelings are key, and I think you understand that she really does not want any further hassle.

You do need an outlet for your grief, but this isn’t it.

Is there any kind of counselling available to you, perhaps via the hospital or MacMillan support? You need a professional to support you in a confidential setting to work through your feelings and fears, and to help you with strategies to detach from the schoolyard gossips.

@LisbethM - I just think you are feeling mega protective of your DS at her time of personal vulnerability. I think it's entirely understandable that you'd have a very strong and angry reaction to anyone who sought unsolicited involvement in a deeply personal matter like this. Try and accept that your feelings are understandable but don't make you a nutter. Ignore their aggrieved manner, you owe them nothing and have much more pressing matters to deal with. Don't allow them to arrest your thoughts or time a minute longer OP.

Inertia and tinkibell Thank you.

Yes I want to move forward and not waste my energy but I find I cannot. It’s ridicukous I know! Counselling is probably the best and most productive way to manage this. I think you are right.

I am a lawyer too, and I can’t get past quite how wrong your colleague was to disclose confidential information. It is absolutely drummed into us from day one, and his breach of confidentiality would make me lose all professional respect for him, forever. His protestations of being sorry are no more valid than a little kid who parrots the word without knowing its meaning. “You don’t need to tell me how wrong I was, I can’t tell you how sorry I am”. Translation- stop going on at me I’ve said the magic word sorry that makes it all better now.

Is he your boss, or just someone of the same level whom you had to tell about your absence for practical reasons?

Not only did he share your personal j go, he obviously didn’t even say to the couple that it was confidential as they were straight on email to your sister.

And as for them, what sort of fuckwits write to someone who is either ill or has an ill sister (depending on whether they picked the right sister) and says “oh we heard you were ill you looked fine to us last week?”. That is not well-meaning or helpful it is fucked up and they should be called out on it.

NB I lost both parents to cancer and my brother is recovering from a life- threatening accident that has left him profoundly disabled. I do understand grief, and transferred grief, honestly I do. For example I was VERY angry at the police over how they handled my brother’s accident and I do now see that for what it was.
However in this case I think that you should call out both your colleague and the couple as what they did was beyond the pale. Your colleague has just manipulated your emotions to deflect the flack from himself.

So I would say, yes, email them. But keep it shorter and more to the point than your draft. Something like:

Dear arseholes
As you know [Colleague] have you information about my family that was confidential. Your email to [sister’s name] was extremely distressing to her, as she realised that her cancer had become public knowledge before she had even told her own children about it. I cannot fathom what on earth you were hoping to achieve by telling her she looked fine last week.

Please leave our family alone to come to terms with this awful situation and do not share our private business any further.

Haffiana Lol! Are you real?!

Dear X and X,
I was with dear sister shortly after she received your email last week. She is feeling understandably vulnerable and protective of her family at the moment and was upset to feel that she was the subject of playground gossip and that her children might hear of her illness before she had a chance to prepare them. I am upset that the information I gave to colleague was used to in such a way to cause hurt to dear sis. I have already discussed this with colleague and he has apologised. I trust you will exercise discretion with any other information regarding this matter.
Lisbeth

Oh OP, poor you and your poor sister and family.

The couple sound like idiots but I also would let it go, since it sounds like they enjoy drama and the email would only fuel it.

Slightly off-topic but in terms of privacy ... obviously this is up to your sister and she may change her mind as time goes on ... but if the illness is not going to go away then in the long-term I think being open about key facts (not every detail) may be better than keeping things private. Otherwise people will hear or suspect something is wrong but will feel awkward as they don't know if they are "supposed" to know. So they are unsure whether to ask how she's feeling or offer any help. I had a serious illness a while back (thankfully temporary), I am also a private person, but I found it less stressful overall to just tell people in one go. Then it became the new normal and didn't cause awkwardness or elephant-in-corner syndrome. It may also be easier for her children (once they've had time to process it) if they know others are aware of the situation. I realise everyone is different in this way though. Best of luck to you all xxx

JessieMcJessie I love you !!! I feel we might be enraged kindred spirits.

I am so sorry to hear about your own grief though. Words are inadequate for that level of sorrow. Take much care.

Both of my parents were horrified at the notion of telling people my mother was ill. She died and it was a bit of a bloody shock to people who hasn't even realised she was ill. It's not how I would choose to be, but it's important to understand others can be like this (and that it isn't necessarily a choice). It sounds like your sister is struggling op, as are all of you no doubt, and like this possibly-well-intentioned inquiry did none of you any good at all.

I'm not sure they'd understand your feelings, and would distribute your email as an example of madness and over-sensitivity. Therefore for your own sake, please don't send it.

If you must communicate with them, I suggest SAYING the following:
"I wanted to speak with you about and her illness. I realise you meant well getting in touch, but it really threw her to think she was being talked about - we're all stunned ourselves. So if I act differently around you, please know it's not about you - she's all I'm thinking of at the minute, and she wants to keep this all very private and restricted to family. Thanks, I know you'll understand."

That says private, family, restricted, and gives them a get-out of you ALMOST apologising for your behaviour but not quite. Might work....

I'm sorry about your sister

They behaved dreadfully. There really isn't any defence for their elbowing their way in. But your rage is misplaced and you are funnelling your anger to a safe space (but I know you know all of this). Counselling to talk it through with somebody unconnected to your family to give you a chance to unburden freely.
I'm so sorry for what your family are facing. I've been there.

And you Lisbeth, so sorry that this is happening to you and your family.

I think you should write down your response by hand, get it all out there, leave nothing back and then take the paper and burn it in the garden.

I think - sorry, I know nothing is more irritating than people 'diagnosing' other people's thoughts on the internet - that your rightful anger has become something of an intrusive thought. I had something similar when my mum was diagnosed with breast cancer, it was like a massive sonic flare in my brain that wouldn't go away. I think you've displaced your anger at the situation and this has become your intrusive thought. In which case I genuinely send you all of my love, because it's a horrible thing. But emailing these people won't make the thoughts go away. In fact, because they absolutely won't react in the way you think they should, I fear they'll make the anger/intrusion worse.

I think something like burning your thoughts, finding another outlet, talking to someone in rl would be more helpful.

forgivenessisdivine that is a very good email. Perhaps I’ll send one like that as mine sounds quite raw

disappearinggirl you are right I think about being open. My sister just wanted time to process and to tell her own children. She has a meeting with the school principle next week. I guess it was all so raw and new when the couple barged in like bills in a china shop

Haffiana you're acting like a bit of a dick, but I'll humour you. OP didn't break confidence, she explained why she couldn't come into work in a completely non-specific way. She has many family members.

Oh Haffiana do get back in your box. People do have to give some information when they suddenly disappear from work. I imagine OP’s sister knew that she’d have to. OP didn’t even specify that it was her sister. That is why managers have a duty to keep personal information about employees confidential.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett If she didn't break a confidence then how did the school gate couple know?

JessieMcJessie Then how did the school gate couple know?

They DON'T know. They were going on a fishing expedition. This is mean and none of their business. It really upset her sister.