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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Adored sister and gossipy school gate

215 replies

LisbethM · 30/10/2018 10:24

My sister has been diagnosed with a rare cancer that has a poor prognosis. We are very close and I love her very much. Our children attend the same school.

When she was diagnosed I immediately took time off work to be with her. In doing so I was forced to give a short and confidential explanation to a colleague (I simply said a member of my family was very unwell and she had small children I needed to assist with).

A few days later a parent at the school emailed my sister to see if she was “sick” as they had heard “on the grapevine” that I had an unwell family member. My beautiful and private sister was devastated by the thought of a “grapevine” in process, more so as she had not yet told her own children.

I was mortified and knew immediately it was my colleague who had spread the rumour. I confronted him and he immediately and unequivocally apologised. He is a good person and I forgave him. He spoke to the other couple who had emailed my sister.

That couple have not apologised, in fact they behave as though they are somehow aggrieved. They avoid my gaze at the school gate and are otherwise oblivious. I can’t move past it. I love my sister, she is gentle and dignified. She wants me to let it go because she can’t bear attention or conflict. But I find myself loathing this couple and wishing them ill. The feelings are overwhelming and perhaps are displaced grief. But what should I do? Confront the couple? Ask for an apology? Ignore and avoid?

I would appreciate opinions please to help me overcome these feelings and focus on my sister.

OP posts:
MoaningSickness · 30/10/2018 12:01

They were hardly "caught gossiping" - they directly contacted the ill sister!

Quite. The colleague gossiped, but there's no evidence the couple told anyone. I have no idea what the op or anyone else thinks they have to apologize for. They were given information that they had no way of knowing was secret, and went straight to the person directly involved to ask if they were ok.

And now the op hates them and wants the to apologize for what exactly?!? Not being psychic and knowing the colleague was telling them stuff they shouldn't know? For caring enough to ask if it was true that the sister was ill?

No wonder they want to avoid the op if she's blaming them unfairly. The only people at fault here are the colleague for gossiping, and the op to a lesser extent for telling the colleague in the first place (just say 'personal reasons' end of).

mostdays · 30/10/2018 12:03

Oh OP, I am so, so sorry for your sister and you and for everyone affected by this horrible thing.

Flowers
LisbethM · 30/10/2018 12:07

morningsickness They emailed my sister enquiring if she was sick at a time when she had told no one and was terrified her children would find out prematurely. They were not asking whether she was ok but rather seeking more information. It was explicit in their email, which read “we hear on the grapevine Lisbeth has a sick family member. Is it you? We saw you last week and you looked fine.”

OP posts:
LisbethM · 30/10/2018 12:08

moaningsickness how in gods green earth am I at fault?

OP posts:
InfiniteVariety · 30/10/2018 12:11

But LisbethM it is unreasonable to blame them when the fault clearly lies with the colleague who gossiped to them without perhaps indicating it was confidential information, so they may have thought they were making a kind enquiry? Not a very subtle one, admittedly, but they are far less at fault than your colleague

MoaningSickness · 30/10/2018 12:11

They emailed my sister enquiring if she was sick at a time when she had told no one and was terrified her children would find out prematurely.

Us, but unless they have amazing psychic powers they had no way of knowing that! Given that they were openly told by your colleague they undoubtedly thought it was information that was already 'out there'.

MorrisZapp · 30/10/2018 12:12

It's only since coming on mn that I've learned that illness is meant to be secret. In the past, if I'd heard that somebody was ill it wouldn't have crossed my mind not to mention it to others. I just wasn't brought up with the concept.

Hope your sister is doing OK now.

TeddybearBaby · 30/10/2018 12:12

@LisbethM I would never in a million years contact someone and ask for information on a family illness. Please know that sensitive people who are genuinely concerned do not do this. I trust your judgement completely.

My sister had cervical cancer (she had a hysterectomy and is fine now). My mum died of breast cancer. My sister was the same as yours and we wasn’t allowed to talk about her illness. My sister would have had a full on meltdown if she received that email....... she was petrified enough without having to discuss her greatest fear with acquaintances.

These people probably do not know the damage their words have done but I don’t think your anger is misplaced at all. They didn’t mean to upset anyone I’m sure but they did.

Sending my love to you all x

SuperstarDJ · 30/10/2018 12:12

I’d originally posted advising you to ignore and forget about them. From what you’ve subsequently posted I don’t think you’ll be able to do that and it will continue to eat you up regardless of whether the anger is displaced or not. There email to your sister certainly didn’t seem one of practical help/concern.

So, as long as you it’s not going to cause your sister additional distress, speak to them. It sounds as if it’s thdbonly way you’ll be able to draw a line. What would you plan on saying to them?

LisbethM · 30/10/2018 12:14

Re my colleague I emailed him and asked if the grapevine germinated with him and please could he shut it down. He called me immediately and I could tell how very sorry he was. He said he had mentioned it to the other couple as he was distressed for me. He truly was mortified and sorry. He said “I cannot tell you how deeply deeply sorry I am.” I started crying and trying to explain why our privacy was important and he said “Lisbeth, you don’t need to explain. It is so obvious what I did was wrong. And I am so sorry”

OP posts:
tiredgirly · 30/10/2018 12:14

This reply has been deleted

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Sparklesocks · 30/10/2018 12:17

Really sorry to hear about your sister OP, sending her and your family good thoughts.

You seem very self aware and I think you’re right you might be transferring anger/upset about your sister’s situation onto this couple. When our loved ones are ill it’s very stressful and you might feel angry that this has happened, but there’s nowhere to channel it - and this couple might be acting as that conduit for you.

I think you need to respect your sisters wishes and leave it for now, despite the initial satisfaction you might feel in telling them off it won’t change the situation.

Your colleague was unprofessional to share such personal info and I know he’s apologised but I would be keeping an eye on him in future.

Sorry again you are having to deal with this.

BunnyCake · 30/10/2018 12:18

When my dh died i was annoyed at the primary school mums as they added 6 years onto his age when talking about it and one of them when sympathising told me she'd heard he was X age which put him in his 50s not his 40s. I doubt any of them knew how old he was so it annoyed me that someone must have just invented an age for him and that got passed on. I sympathise!

MoaningSickness · 30/10/2018 12:18

how in gods green earth am I at fault?

I said 'to a lesser extent', but you were literally the start of the grapevine. If you hadn't told anyone (and just said it was a personal matter) your sisters secret would be safe. You told gossipy colleague, he told them.

InfiniteVariety · 30/10/2018 12:18

he said he mentioned it to the other couple as he was distressed for me

So they went on to make enquiries about information they perhaps were led to believe they should act on? They may have done it insensitively but have done nothing as bad as your colleague who behaved shamefully

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 30/10/2018 12:19

What utter shit bags they are. I can totally understand why you're so angry.

Right or wrong I would tell them what I thought of them.

Take care of yourself OP and your dear sister Flowers

LisbethM · 30/10/2018 12:25

Thank you everyone. So much to think about. To those who say that i started the grapevine Hmm FFS.

OP posts:
ButchyRestingFace · 30/10/2018 12:25

Right or wrong I would tell them what I thought of them.

So you'd put your wishes above those of your sister?

In any case, the couple in question might feel that they've done nothing wrong and tell OP as much, in less pleasant terms. Which would hardly help the situation.

SoyDora · 30/10/2018 12:26

The fact that your colleague is a lawyer makes what he did even more appalling.

LisbethM · 30/10/2018 12:26

Thanks greatduckcookery

OP posts:
Havaina · 30/10/2018 12:26

MoaningSickness

but unless they have amazing psychic powers they had no way of knowing that! Given that they were openly told by your colleague they undoubtedly thought it was information that was already 'out there'.

It is extremely crass to work through 3 sisters to find out which one is will, especially when you're not friends with them. It's unlucky they targeted the right (I.e. the sick) sister.

It's even crasser to email one for the 3 sisters and say 'you looked fine this morning'.

The people on this thread who are not willing to acknowledge the couple's bad behaviour are either disingenuous or spectacularly clueless.

Yes the colleague fucked up but he apologised. So should this couple instead of acting like they are the aggrieved party.

tiredgirly · 30/10/2018 12:28

how in gods green earth am I at fault?

because you know your sister wanted to keep it quiet and yet told your colleague.you started the grapevine!!

InfiniteVariety · 30/10/2018 12:31

But Havaina the OP said her colleague told the couple because "he was distressed for me" so they could have got the impression they were supposed to do/say something, then did it (everyone agrees) in a spectacularly crass way

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 30/10/2018 12:31

The OP isn't at fault for crying out loud! She had to tell the colleague due to being off work. He is in the wrong for gossiping not the OP and the other woman who emailed the sister!

ohlittlepea · 30/10/2018 12:31

'We saw you last week and you looked fine'
Ffs! These are clearly not nice kind people who want to help. OP I expect if you do engage with them they will enjoy the drama. I'd keep a dignified silence and keep your sisters wishes. Absolutely appalling behaviour for them to send an email like that!
So sorry to hear your sister is so unwell. I hope you have good supportive people around you at this awful time.