To not want to take this child to school?

[EveryoneButSam]

My dd is in a class with a girl who lives on our street, let’s call her May. May’s mum has a long term illness which makes it very difficult for her to get up and moving in the morning, so she can’t do the morning school run. Up until about a month ago May was being taken to school by her much older sister, but the sister has now got a different job and moved away.

May’s mum asked if I would take her to school up until half term. I agreed, although with a bit of trepidation as although I didn’t mind doing it for a few weeks I couldn’t see how May’s mum was going to be able to find a different solution. And guess what, she hasn’t, and has now asked if I can carry on until Christmas. But again, I don’t see a solution for after then!

I feel awful for not wanting to commit to this but I really don’t. Not indefinitely. It’s not even as if it’s putting me out that much, May is only a couple of doors down so walks herself over here and is usually on time. Apart from a couple of incidences where she’s not stopped where she should have she’s not much of a bother. I just find it an annoyance - if we’re ready a bit early we have to wait, I have to chat to an extra (chatty) child early in the morning when I’m not really at my chattiest . Which I was happy to put up with to help someone out for a few weeks but not forever!

So AIBU really is am I being a total bitch and should just suck it up? If not, how do I get out of it or at least put a deadline on it? I know I could just do the “that doesn’t work for me” but when May’s mum knows I’m walking that way every day anyway that just seems really rude.

For further clarification, May and her mum are both nice friendly people but neither dd or I are particularly friends with either and we’ve not had a history of helping each other out really.

Stupid autocorrect... *a few comments back

yanbu. What if your child is off sick or you decide to go on holiday? Should you always have to take this child in to consideration when things come up or you want to make plans? It’s the commitment side to it I wouldn’t like, not the actual favour itself.

I'm a selfish person. But i would do this.

MyDcAreMarvel I think that she has demonstrated that she is not selfish and she is obviously torn on this issue. We don't really know anything about the op's life and how she contributes towards the greater good, she could do all sorts of things for other people but just finds this favour wearing - which is her right.

Oh duh juts re read OP properly! Never mind then

I understand how you feel, I can't be bothered with other people's children.

But it's minimal hassle and a big help to someone so I would do it. Can you chap her door in the morning? Save any hanging about the house? If they are sensible and because there are 2 of them could they not walk to school alone a little sooner?

If it takes May's mum a long time to get moving in the morning, then she could get up earlier, in fact that's what she needs to do long term anyway.

I think you say that morning before school and on the way are a special time for you and dd, and you really do need to continue with it.

hellojim i don’t think that poster was inferring the op as selfish. She was saying that she herself was, but would still do this.

The fact that the father is around makes a very material difference. The reality is that you are not helping the mother so much as facilitating his working hours. Given that he has a child and a disabled wife, it's difficult to understand why he isn't negotiating a slight change to his working hours that would enable him to drop his child off at the breakfast club.

I don’t understand why the majority are suggesting the OP should do it. If you need childcare on a long term basis for practical reasons, that’s what breakfast clubs and childminders are there for! People need help getting their kids to school for many reasons - her child, her responsibility!

I’d have been happy help in a short term/emergency basis (which sounds the same as the OP) but a long term problem needs a long term solution and the OP is not the only option, she’s just the cheapest!

I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all. I think you have been more than helpful already. I wouldn’t want the responsibility of another child long term either. What happens if your child wants to go to a club or is off sick? What a pain to have to remember to let the other mother know. Also, like you, I would value it as time to spend with my child and I wouldn’t want to have to chat to the other chatty child. I wouldn’t want an arrangement where she picked up my child as I enjoyed picking her up myself.
I would do it until Christmas but just say that you find the extra responsibility a bit stressful on a long term basis. You could perhaps offer to help out for odd days here and there by prior arrangement but not every day.

I always try to help if I can but avoid long term arrangements as I'm an awkward person and would find ending the arrangement really difficult and would rather end up doing it for ever than have an awkward conversation

I'd find it very hard to say no to an ill mum though. I was a child of an ill mum myself who had to rely on other people a lot. It wasn't nice for me as I wanted my mum to take me places and often felt I was a burden on friend mums. Not a nice feeling for a young child.

I would ask around for other helpers. Maybe see if you can get a little team together to help this mum so it's not just you doing every day. I wonder if the school could help?

She’s not a CF so I would just suck it up and help out. From what you’ve said it’s not actually a major inconvenience.

Tbh if the child is little trouble I wouldn’t mind. If the kid didn’t behave or was arguing with mine then I would put a stop to it. I think it would be nice for you to do a nice thing if it’s not putting you out too much.

Really, you have been very kind, I would tell the mum that you can do it up until Christmas, and that's it, it is up to the mum and her dh to work around, as it would be very unfair to expect you to do this for 2 years. If the mum cannot take the child in the morning to school, the father should, it is his responsibility, or they should look at a childminder who can pick up from their house.

Are there any other families nearby that also walk? Maybe you could approach them about forming a walking 'bus' or a rota so that the burden is shared? This could give the older ones some independence and might help May's Mum at pickup as well. .

@Isleepinahedgefund Exactly what you said!

I have a condition like this and I hate the thought of having to be reliant on other people but am so grateful when people do help. I would 1000 times rather be in your position able to do this favour with very little inconvenience to yourself than to be in this position.
You don't have to do it, but really? You say yourself it's not much of an inconvenience and this little girl is well behaved, bless her. She's also probably a young carer, and what's the alternative? She is late for school, some days might not get there or ends up walking alone. Unfortunately there just aren't services (social or otherwise!) that help with this. Even if she paid a childminder (and of course, money could well be tight if she has limited capacity for work) few childminders will collect from the child's home.
From experiences of people in the support forums I'm on for my condition, most schools and LEAs make little to no allowance for these situations and just fine the parents. We just have to rely on family, friends and for those who don't have them close by, friendly neighbours. Your call, but can you really as a decent person make that call?

I’m completely with Miscible.

The child has TWO parents. It’s for them to work out caring for their child between them.

Why is it OPs job to step up? Is it because she’s a woman and the dad is so very important with his job and all?

It sounds as if the DD could be dropped off by the DF to the breakfast club but either they can't afford it, or they don't want to do it. OP has no way of knowing which one.

Also sounds as if the DM can do the walk to school once per day - so might be possible for her schedule to be re-arranged so she does drop off instead of pick up a couple of days a week.

OP I think you need to talk to her. If I were you I'd say I was ok to continue but I didn't want to do it 5 days per week. For one thing it's really nice to have that one to one time talking to your DC. I do lift share with next door neighbours son and it's a fluid reciprocal thing, but I do cherish the odd day when I have DS on his own and he shares his chat with me.

Say that you were wondering if you did it 3 days a week could she get someone else to help with pick up - or I like Nancys idea of sounding out if anyone else can help.

The fact that the mother is ill is a bit of a red herring, given that there is a perfectly capable father on the scene. Essentially the position is no different from what happens when both parents work, or when a single parent works.

I would do it. The children are the same age. You are going the same way. It helps someone who needs help and I think in years to come, that child will probably remember your kindness to her and her family. It sounds as though her home life is not the easiest and this is, in the whole realm of things, really quite a simple way to ease one burden from the family. You never know when the shoe might be on the other foot.

What about you put your daughter into before school club for a few weeks after Xmas. So when she asks you, can you do it until Easter? You can say no, because she's going in earlier from now on because of work.

Is it the feeling like it's becoming an obligation that's the problem?
I could see it wearing thin if you start having to second guess every day off/early start. Feeling like your time isn't your own but it's kind of been snuck in instead of negotiated and agreed.

I would make a conscious decision to do it happily until Christmas break. I'd look into ways to make it a more pleasant experience. Can the girls drink a smoothie on the way (keep quiet!)

I'd have a good think about what I was prepared to offer and why. I'd wait and see what the lay of the land was closer to the end of the year, see if you feel okay about it again, if they make other arrangements, or if something unforseen happens for instance. Then decide on where your boundaries are and communicate them kindly.

To be honest of it were causing you any sort of inconvenience, for example if she was always late/poorly behaved I'd say don't do it. But it seems as though she's no bother at all and I'd probably happily do it to help them out