To not want to take this child to school?

[EveryoneButSam]

My dd is in a class with a girl who lives on our street, let’s call her May. May’s mum has a long term illness which makes it very difficult for her to get up and moving in the morning, so she can’t do the morning school run. Up until about a month ago May was being taken to school by her much older sister, but the sister has now got a different job and moved away.

May’s mum asked if I would take her to school up until half term. I agreed, although with a bit of trepidation as although I didn’t mind doing it for a few weeks I couldn’t see how May’s mum was going to be able to find a different solution. And guess what, she hasn’t, and has now asked if I can carry on until Christmas. But again, I don’t see a solution for after then!

I feel awful for not wanting to commit to this but I really don’t. Not indefinitely. It’s not even as if it’s putting me out that much, May is only a couple of doors down so walks herself over here and is usually on time. Apart from a couple of incidences where she’s not stopped where she should have she’s not much of a bother. I just find it an annoyance - if we’re ready a bit early we have to wait, I have to chat to an extra (chatty) child early in the morning when I’m not really at my chattiest . Which I was happy to put up with to help someone out for a few weeks but not forever!

So AIBU really is am I being a total bitch and should just suck it up? If not, how do I get out of it or at least put a deadline on it? I know I could just do the “that doesn’t work for me” but when May’s mum knows I’m walking that way every day anyway that just seems really rude.

For further clarification, May and her mum are both nice friendly people but neither dd or I are particularly friends with either and we’ve not had a history of helping each other out really.

Depends what the illness is. In my cousin's case she was (still is) an alcoholic and it was the alcohol stopping her from getting up in the morning

(Children are now safe btw.)

I’ve been in Mays mums shoes and I didn’t ask anyone for help. While I would have been grateful I would have ensured something else got sorted as soon as possible. I think it would be good if you could do it up until Xmas but stop after that.

I was just about to say similar to @Hildegard36. So many MNetters love telling other people's kids off and pontificate about all mucking in together when it comes to discipline and "stepping in" if they see imperfect parenting etc but when it comes to actually having to put themselves out only very slightly like this for another family then it's not their problem and they shouldn't have to and "No is a complete sentence blah blah blah. I'd do it. I'd probably not get a great deal of joy out of it but why wouldn't you? You don't have to go out of your way. Mean not to imvho.

Stop being so selfish

That's actually really unfair.

The reality is that this situation does it went the opportunity for it to affect people more than you think. And at the very least make the op feel guilty because she stayed over at her friends that night so she didn't take the kid to school . Or there was a breakfast club event that op paid for and the neighbour didn't. Or the sister takes a promotion at work and is no longer home for pick ups so that becomes ops responsibility too and she has to do it twice because of hockey club after school etc

Not saying this stuff will happen but unofficial arrangements like this can still become the basis of someone else's decisions and that leads to dilemmas

You could be friends and build on the not ones for helping each other out so if something happens to you and yours there could be some help if you need it

Kindness cost nothing

Ah I don't think she's a piss taker. The child is on time and chatty, you don't go out of your way at all. Leaving early is a red herring as really how early can you leave to walk to school anyway, you are talking minutes. You are doing a nice thing, I would keep going, fine if she started being late that's different or if you were sick and she was shitty about it but as it stands I think keep it up.

Not everyone bis a piss taking cf because they need a little help, I know sometimes it makes a better thread but it's nice to be nice too, it doesn't always need to be "no that doesn't work for me"

I can see how taking responsibility for someone else's child every day gets difficult. When you can not see an end in sight it makes it harder.

You can't leave early, have a quiet walk, do something that takes you out of your normal route etc.

Can you commit to 2 days a week rather than every say? Can May's mum ask school if they know of anyone who can help or can she pay someone to help? (There's half a dozen children at our school that get dropped off together by a childcare company, may be one in your area can do it).

I think you know you ABVU. You have an opportunity to make a real difference to someone desperately in need and are unwilling, despite it being no effort to do so. I hope you really reconsider your attitude, and perhaps be more kind.

Who picks her up from school? Where is her dad and what is he doing?

You’ve said yourself it doesn’t put you out at all, so I think it would be selfish to refuse to do it any more. You are entitled to be selfish if you want, but it’s not very community spirited and you never know when you might have to rely on someone.

How old are the kids. Maybe they could just walk with each other soon

Ah come on, no skin off your nose

Put yourself in the other mums position, you would want someone to do something little that helps you out. It's obviously not going to be forever, what age are DDs? At some point they will walk themselves which doesn't necessarily have to be together. I would be glad to do something to help, if it is something so simple

I think you need to change your mindset on this. You are making a huge difference to this family and this child for relatively little effort. Feel good about what you are doing rather than constrained. That little girl will look back one day and be very grateful.

I can understand it being a drag, but it's a really nice thing to do and not much effort.

Can't you think of it as putting some good out into the world?

And it won't go on forever, the kids will be able to walk themselves in time.

Hmm. I don’t know what I would do. Its tricky as you will pretty much walk past whoever else takes her. If the girls get on OK it might be ok. It would certainly be a generous favour. Does her Dad live at home? What does she do if you are ill? Maybe I would say I can do it this term but please can you look at other help long term as you might not be able to in future. On balance I think I would think of it as my bit of volunteering, but then you probably have enough on your plate and help out others in other ways.

i dont think yabu, i wouldnt want to do it either.

I'd make sure I wasn't the only option. I'd do it gently by having several days where I was not available, with plenty of notice.

Neighbour will have to recruit other help from other people. Then you arrange to split the help between you. This is better for everyone because nobody gets resentful and there is cover when someone is not available.

What illness does her mum have which means she can't walk her child to school but presumably is able to pick her up?

I’d carry on doing it. It’s such a great thing that you’re doing for someone who’s facing a daily struggle in life. Just imagine how she must feel, to be unable to do what most of us take for granted. How she’d love to be able to take her child to school herself, but can’t. I’m sure she appreciates what you’re doing Op.

I agree with @CottonTailRabbit

At my daughters school one mum had a terrible illness meaning some weeks she could barely move, her husband gave up his career to be her carer and we all chipped in, if she was unable to attend a school function and her husband couldn’t leave her, one of us would do the school run, if it was an event we would arrange between us to record it for her, it was harder for her (and her two children) than us so taking into account what you have said about being in time, polite etc I’d carry on walking her to school but I you have to do what you think it right.

It's a tricky one! Someone else's child is not your responsibility, so you really shouldn't feel bad for asking the question. Yes it takes a village and all that, but has the mum ever demonstrated that attitude? It would be a really kind thing to do it but I would make her aware that it's not a sure thing long term, after all your plans could change. Can she reciprocate in any way or has she offered anything as a goodwill gesture. It's nice to be nice, but it can be wearing when you feel obliged to do a favour just because you are available and in the convenient location.

Thanks very much for the replies. It’s quite interesting that they all reflect facets of how I’m feeling, even the conflicting ones, as I’m feeling very conflicted!

Just to clarify - I have not said no. I have been doing it for about a month now and would happily carry on until Christmas if I knew there was an end to it. I just don’t want to do it forever. Which, yes, does make me feel pretty horrible and not very kind but deep down truthfully that is how I feel.

I don’t think May’s mum is taking the piss at all and of course I realise that this situation is much more difficult for her than me.

To answer some questions:

There has already been an occasion where I had to take dd into breakfast club as I had an early meeting to attend. I offered to take May (we are fortunate to have an ad hoc club) but her mum said she would take her herself at the normal time. So she has done it but I think it really wipes her out.

Her dad is around but leaves for work too early to do drop off.

Her mum does pick up. To be honest if I did need help picking up I probably wouldn’t ask May’s mum as I know she is already struggling and I’m lucky to have other people who can help out but yes, theoretically she could pick dd up for me.

There is a child minder just round the corner who does the same school run, but I have no idea if they have space, it’s affordable for the family etc.

Girls are in Year 4. So not reception but young enough to mean this could possibly go on for 2 years. The type of walk and age of girls means they probably won’t be doing it on their own until halfway through year 6 ish.