To not want to take this child to school?

[EveryoneButSam]

My dd is in a class with a girl who lives on our street, let’s call her May. May’s mum has a long term illness which makes it very difficult for her to get up and moving in the morning, so she can’t do the morning school run. Up until about a month ago May was being taken to school by her much older sister, but the sister has now got a different job and moved away.

May’s mum asked if I would take her to school up until half term. I agreed, although with a bit of trepidation as although I didn’t mind doing it for a few weeks I couldn’t see how May’s mum was going to be able to find a different solution. And guess what, she hasn’t, and has now asked if I can carry on until Christmas. But again, I don’t see a solution for after then!

I feel awful for not wanting to commit to this but I really don’t. Not indefinitely. It’s not even as if it’s putting me out that much, May is only a couple of doors down so walks herself over here and is usually on time. Apart from a couple of incidences where she’s not stopped where she should have she’s not much of a bother. I just find it an annoyance - if we’re ready a bit early we have to wait, I have to chat to an extra (chatty) child early in the morning when I’m not really at my chattiest . Which I was happy to put up with to help someone out for a few weeks but not forever!

So AIBU really is am I being a total bitch and should just suck it up? If not, how do I get out of it or at least put a deadline on it? I know I could just do the “that doesn’t work for me” but when May’s mum knows I’m walking that way every day anyway that just seems really rude.

For further clarification, May and her mum are both nice friendly people but neither dd or I are particularly friends with either and we’ve not had a history of helping each other out really.

I think it would depens on the illness, I have a family member who says she has chronic fatigue syndrome and therefore is too tired to take her kids to school, but she's up watching Netflix out of choice till 3am.
I have a long term health condition and would prefer to not get up for work at 5am as I'm in more pain in the morning, but I just have to and adjust my wake up time so that I can take my medication.

Pudcat - I completely agree with you. Mumsnet really shocks me sometimes. Showing compassion to this family and helping them out would be so easy in this situation.

But she’s not obliged to do it for any length of time is she. I would do it because it’s little effort and it’s kind not through obligation. This isn’t a cf situation it’s someone genuinely struggling. I guess we shouldn’t offer to her shopping for elderly neighbours anymore or help them across the road in case were obligated to do it every time. What’s wrong with just helping people who need it?

Tbh, OP, I think you are being selfish. If the mum and daughter are lovely people and not taking the piss, then it doesn't really harm you to let the daughter walk with you.

All these people suggesting social services and carers should do the job - do you also want tax hikes?

@Pebblespony I'd argue even two years isn't the end of the world, especially as schools are closed for 13 weeks of the year anyway. It's not a big deal and it's not forever.

Whilst this is a nuisance and I'll freely admit it's the sort of thing that would annoy me, this little irritation to your day is making a massive difference to the quality of someone else's.

My mother has a debilitating illness. She went to the dentist last week, it made her bedbound for the next 3 days. Just the sheer effort of getting up and ready in time, let alone the actual journey completely floored her.

The mother is probably capable of the school run but in the same way my mother is capable of attending the dentist. The effort is possible but ruins any chance of a relatively normal existence for a sizeable chunk of time.

I honestly couldn't make another person suffer because of something that irritated me. In your exact position I'd carry on letting the child walk to school with us, and I'd tell the mother that barring work or illness events she could rely on me to do so for the foreseeable.

I do see why you'd prefer not to, I supposed I'm biased coming from a family she's this is a real problem for someone I love...but it is my honest opinion.

If you're not comfortable providing a favour long term then don't. The only one who has to live with the judgement on your character is you.

You’re being mean spirited and unkind, I’m afraid. Why would you not put yourself out a tiny bit for a neighbour and child?

The issue may arise if you or your daughter are unwell and she needs a back up plan then but otherwise, of course you should do the right thing........and their is a right thing!

I don’t see what the problem is. It really sounds as if May could do with another niceMum to walk her to school. Chatting to another child and waiting another couple of minutes is not that much to ask.

Be the best that you can be and contribute to making the world a nicer place 🙂🤝

We have no way of knowing if they are not sorting out a long term solution to the drop offs because the dad's request for flexible working was declined (or if he's even considered this) or if they're not doing it because the OP hasn't said she minds and they assume it's fine with her or if the CM is full or if these people have ever taken much notice at all of the OP and her family until they were casting about for childcare help. Was that the first time they'd introduced themselves?

I'd probably do it myself. But some of the sanctimony on this thread is truly incredible.

Sorry, to be clear, it's how you judge yourself that matters. No one will be watching and judging you.

This wouldn't bother me at all, but if it bothers you talk to her.

Flexible working isn't easy to get @OVienna. Single, working parents have had requests declined in my job as it would disrupt the business too much. People who think flexible working is easily available are living in a dream world.

Having seen first hand working dads who wouldn't even consider asking for flexible working/altering their schedule in the slightest way to do an activity fir their own children when the alternative would be a friendly mum 'going there anyway' their kid could tag along with I also agree with @Miscible.

I despair for society sometimes, why can’t people just help each other out? I am so glad to have kind & friendly neighbours, we help each other out ...just because we are kind & friendly. It costs so little to be ‘nice’. I used to have my neighbou’s two boys every morning before school so that could get to work, it was no bother, in fact they played with my DS, my friend was grateful and whilst we didn’t count up the hours of care she would occasionally have my DS for a sleepover if we were going out for the night. What’s wrong with helping other people?

@PurpleOctober that's nit what I said though is it? We have no idea if this dad Can or cannot do that and it if can whether he has tried.

Oh op, I would feel as conflicted as you do. Knowing the 'good' thing to do is carry on helping, not really wanting to be tied into it, cross with myself for resenting the commitment when it's not really a big deal, still feeling like it's a commitment I don't want...

In all honesty I would keep taking her and keep feeling a bit miffed about it. Which is utterly useless as replies go, I know. Sorry.

30 odd years ago, after a very late miscarriage I found myself pregnant with twins, I was told to rest and take life gently in the mornings (I felt like crap and it was difficult enough getting my two ds's ready for school and nursery without getting myself ready and hiking off at speed to school)
To this day I will never forget how a couple of Mums called for the ds's in the mornings and beyond, for that help I was and still am eternally grateful.
OP spread a little generosity.

borderline11 I think you are referring to Kemer2018

I would do this in a heartbeat. People in the UK give back so little to their communities on a whole. It's just sad. But I guess it's an opportunity for May to learn early that no one will help. Awful.

It's not putting you out on the days you do it usually and the neighbour doesn't seem to expect you to do it unless it's convenient, eg when you had to go to work early she made other plans. Is it really so much to ask? It doesn't seem like it's putting you out at all. When we were young my mum's job suddenly changed her hours, dad went out very early for work and got back late. My mum would walk us and a neighbour's DCs to school and often give them breakfast too so their mum could get to work for an earlier start, and their mum would collect us and take us back to theirs for half an hour or so, and often a snack until mum got home from her later work pattern. People help each other out.

YANBU to feel the way you do.

It's one thing to help out a neighbor (not even a good friend, just a neighbor) for a couple of months. It becomes more than just a simple "of course I will!" good deed when the time-frame for the request is repeatedly extended without any indication that the family is seeking an alternative solution.

Unless something changes, it seems unlikely they are motivated to find another way to get the child to school. Why bother, so long as you're kindly taking up the slack? There are almost certainly other arrangements they could make not saying they'd be ideal, just that they exist but this one's probably the cheapest and most convenient. No, they aren't being "cheeky", but it's still an imposition, when there's no end in sight and it could potentially go on for years.

Personally, I'd find it awkward to tell them that you'll need them to make different arrangements (after Christmas, probably), but if it was bothering me enough, I'd have to try. (Honestly, a lot of it would depend on the circumstances-- the nature of the other mother's illness, for instance. If she got up earlier, could she manage the morning walk?)

You've already helped them for quite a while, and they shouldn't really expect one person (not family, not a close friend) to continue to take on this extra responsibility indefinitely.

It doesn't matter that some claim they would be happy to walk the girl to school for two more years; maybe they would, maybe they wouldn't, but we all have our own personal limits.

I can see why it could be a bit of a pain, but if the illness is genuine and she lives a few doors away I think I would definitely help. It would be pretty rotten to say no.

I don't think the OP is being selfish at all. It's absolutely fine to not want to add anything extra into your day, anything.

I couldn't do this. My mornings are hectic and sometimes a bit shouty at 0830. Occasionally we leave early and go to a cafe for breakfast, only planned the night before. Fairly often we head off to hunt pokemon or hit a raid if one is available at that time. I'll admit to being a disordered person who does things in the moment. Having to commit to something every morning would not work for me and I'll offer no apologies for that. You could take up PoGo OP

Are you happy to:

Take her for the next half term
Take her ongoing but on selected days to suit you
Take her on an ad hoc basis if needed?

Can anyone else take other days
Is there wrap around care (and yes to the DF needing to help sort this and not leave it to his wife) available
Is there reciprocal arrangements that would be of benefit to you?

Work this out and you're halfway to knowing what needs to be done.

I'd probably say yes to taking her until Christmas, but ask directly if she thinks she'll have another solution after that. If you don't want to be the medium to longer term solution you don't have to be. It's possible they're not considering other options if they think you're happy - the easiest solution. It's nice to help people out, but you've done that already and have no ongoing obligation to them.

May's DM isn't a CF, but you ANBU

It's a shame she wasn't more straightforward about what was really expected, but I'm another who'd help in the short term if it's a genuine illness

Looking ahead, though, I'd expect the family to make their own arrangements rather than just assume you'll do it. Could you perhaps help by signposting support options to them?