To not want to take this child to school?

[EveryoneButSam]

My dd is in a class with a girl who lives on our street, let’s call her May. May’s mum has a long term illness which makes it very difficult for her to get up and moving in the morning, so she can’t do the morning school run. Up until about a month ago May was being taken to school by her much older sister, but the sister has now got a different job and moved away.

May’s mum asked if I would take her to school up until half term. I agreed, although with a bit of trepidation as although I didn’t mind doing it for a few weeks I couldn’t see how May’s mum was going to be able to find a different solution. And guess what, she hasn’t, and has now asked if I can carry on until Christmas. But again, I don’t see a solution for after then!

I feel awful for not wanting to commit to this but I really don’t. Not indefinitely. It’s not even as if it’s putting me out that much, May is only a couple of doors down so walks herself over here and is usually on time. Apart from a couple of incidences where she’s not stopped where she should have she’s not much of a bother. I just find it an annoyance - if we’re ready a bit early we have to wait, I have to chat to an extra (chatty) child early in the morning when I’m not really at my chattiest . Which I was happy to put up with to help someone out for a few weeks but not forever!

So AIBU really is am I being a total bitch and should just suck it up? If not, how do I get out of it or at least put a deadline on it? I know I could just do the “that doesn’t work for me” but when May’s mum knows I’m walking that way every day anyway that just seems really rude.

For further clarification, May and her mum are both nice friendly people but neither dd or I are particularly friends with either and we’ve not had a history of helping each other out really.

@Digggers that's far to long. They're not friends she doesn't need to fluff it up.

"I'm not doing this past the last day of this term. Finale another plan"

She doesn't have to know the plan. That's not her problem. They just need to know that her side is over.

Digggers, if she sends that and the mum replies but you're my only option then what? Fact is OP doesn't want to be locked into an ongoing regular commitment and if she wants it to stop the best thing is to just be honest and say she can't help anymore on a regular basis but happy to help now and then.

Personally I would do it and find another way to get that 1 on 1 time with your DD. Do you pick your DD up from school? Or maybe you could do a once fortnightly/monthly mummy and daughter time when you go to a cafe and get milkshakes and cake or go to the movies or whatever your DD likes doing just the two of you. You could explain to your DD that you're really proud she's been so onboard with you both helping May's family out, but you miss your time alone with her, so you will be doing this instead.

When I was a single parent my immediate family weren't impressed and where pretty much useless. We would have been dead in the water if it weren't for the kindness of strangers. A co-worker driving by who gave me lifts in and out, a child minder who did drop offs and kept DS and extra 15 mins free of charge. An aunt who would collect DS from school if all other plans fell through.

I don't think 2 years is too long. Especially when you consider the school holidays and things.

Saying that I don't think there's anything to be gained by doing any charitable act begrudgingly. Whether it's volunteering your time, or feeling you have to give money to a charity. If you're going to resent doing it then don't.

I don't know what you would say to May's mum to try and explain why you can't take her daughter when you're walking that way anyway. I'm not trying to be negative but seeing as there's no practical reason why you can't do it she will probably assume you find May irritating.

@HereForTheLineEyes once a fortnight or once a month is not a suitable alternative to an every day one to one conversation.

The two years might not be to long for you. But it is for OP. This is an unacceptable arrangement that needs to come to an end as Op has already been so generous and kind.

The bottom line is of you have a child that is your responsibility. There is another parent, there is a breakfast club.

The fact that neither of these parents have come to Op to say thank you or offer their gratitude is disgusting.

Was that s joke about getting an Au Pair?! Maybe not but it made me laugh. I don’t think this would be an option for many people at all would it??!

A reply from the mum saying “but you’re my only option” is simply not good enough. OP hasn’t even been offered the full story, so how could she ever agree with that statement?

I’d have been caught out like this when I was younger, but I stopped being a doormat years ago.

OP you are being a soft touch.

I’m just waiting to hear what the “illness” is, but from what’s gone on so far I think I can guess.

If OP doesn't want to do it that's fair enough. I was just suggesting alternative ways for her to get quality time in with her DD as that seemed to be her main concern. She could go to a cafe for an hour once a week and that would be more than 5 x a 10 minute walk. It was just a suggestion and I wanted to be sure she'd considered all of her options. We have 3 kids and share school lifts so we consciously carve out time for our DS, staying up later than the others, arranging things to do one to one etc.

It seems like May's mum doesn't have many options as she's extended this arrangement with OP. Maybe they can't afford breakfast club or it still starts too late to allow May's dad to get into work.

If the only option for May's family is that May's mum does it (seems like it because this is what they had to do when OP couldn't do the school run once) then I'd feel really awkward walking along a few steps behind/in front of May and her mum who I had told I could no longer help. Realistically it's the same school run and they live very close by so OP and her daughter and May and her daughter are likely to be walking to school within eyesight of each other.

HereFor If you read the thread you will see that, when the Mum had to take her own child to school she drove there, and did not get out of the car, so there’d be no issue of walking a few steps away from her.

Sorry TFT is 30 pages long! I got about 4 in and then read the last 2 or 3.
Well then May's mum will be driving past OP walking along with her daughter, it isn't that much of a change of scenario. I just don't know what you would say to explain how you're able to take your daughter but not May's. Realistically it would make for a very awkward dynamic any time you see them. At the school gates, school plays, passing in the car etc.

@HereForTheLineEyes But it won't be awkward. Because they're not friends. They don't socialise and once OP cancels this arrangement they will never have to have any interaction again.

And a child doesn't think of how much time adds up. The child wants her mum to herself in the morning. That's her mum and her time. She doesn't want to share it with a stranger.

All I was suggesting was that she could change her arrangements for one on one time with her DD. If I said to my son "we are no longer going to the movies or the amusements or out for cake together because I pick you up from school and that's time spent to together there" he'd be miffed. I have to drop him off and collect him from school. I don't have to set time aside to do the things he likes to do with him alone. I just wondered if OP had considered it from that angle. Maybe her daughter would prefer to pick an activity to enjoy with her mum a few times a month.

Spot on Taylor22

It won’t be awkward at all. OP is not friends with this couple not have they shown any gratitude. They are not friends.

If you live on the same street and your daughters go to the same school surely you will run into each other. At birthday parties, at the school gates, at any school based event really.

Why should OP change her arrangements for a stranger though HereForTheLine she has three kids and a job, she’s clearly carved this time out with her dd, why should she have to find extra time after school for her one on one time? I’m sure she’s busy enough.

Why should OP change her arrangements for a stranger though HereForTheLine she has three kids and a job, she’s clearly carved this time out with her dd, why should she have to find extra time after school for her one on one time? I’m sure she’s busy enough.

That's @HereForTheLineEyes, is one weak ass argument. You wouldn't stop doing that. OPs daughter wants this time to be just the two of them. You'd know that if you read the thread 😒

OP owes her daughter. No the neighbour. Not the kid. Her family are her duty.

And please. Seeing someone at parties and drop offs is nothing. I've got parents who came to my own kids party who I barely said two words to past thanks so much for coming.

And like what kept getting harped on about. If it is awkward it's only for two years.

She’s already said the father doesn’t even recognise her at school events (despite her having sole charge of his child every morning). The mother isn’t a friend so I really don’t think school events will be a problem. If anything she should be saying ‘thanks for taking her to school for months’.

@tazzle22 If you go to your account you can highlight the OPs posts to a different colour.

Because if the OP is May’s mum’s only option then she should do it. For all the reasons people have already stated in this thread. And being a kind human being and part of a community. But I think in order to do this may’s mum needs to be honest, tell the OP the whole story of why she needs help and why there are no alternatives and understand that the Op does lose something she values from the arrangement so is only willing to help if there is actually no other way.

But there is another way. There is a father. She can ask other parents.
She can find a childminder. There is a breakfast club.

You’ve been very kind and in your shoes I would stop this after Christmas like you want to do.
You are doing them a massive favour, you are not friends and they don’t seem to properly acknowledge it.

Looking at what you have described, I say thank you more often to my nanny (who I pay!) than they say thank you to you! Incredible!

I still find it really odd that the father has never once popped in to say thank you, or even to introduce himself, let alone clarify the situation.

dutch
Because he is a man with important man things to do and an important job. It won't cross his mind to consider sorting his own child's school run because he's a man and that's for mum to sort out with her mum friends.

(Not all men have this attitude but any man who allows another woman to pick up his childcare and doesn't manage so much as a thank you or an attempt to find a solution that doesn't involve putting on another woman is probably the big important man type)

I suppose that if OP goes the breakfast club route what if Mays parents then decide this might be an option for May too and still expect OPP to walk/drop off their child too?

Have you asked your daughter what she thinks of the situation and whether she likes May or merely tolerates her? Does May talk about her mum/home life?