To not want to take this child to school?

[EveryoneButSam]

My dd is in a class with a girl who lives on our street, let’s call her May. May’s mum has a long term illness which makes it very difficult for her to get up and moving in the morning, so she can’t do the morning school run. Up until about a month ago May was being taken to school by her much older sister, but the sister has now got a different job and moved away.

May’s mum asked if I would take her to school up until half term. I agreed, although with a bit of trepidation as although I didn’t mind doing it for a few weeks I couldn’t see how May’s mum was going to be able to find a different solution. And guess what, she hasn’t, and has now asked if I can carry on until Christmas. But again, I don’t see a solution for after then!

I feel awful for not wanting to commit to this but I really don’t. Not indefinitely. It’s not even as if it’s putting me out that much, May is only a couple of doors down so walks herself over here and is usually on time. Apart from a couple of incidences where she’s not stopped where she should have she’s not much of a bother. I just find it an annoyance - if we’re ready a bit early we have to wait, I have to chat to an extra (chatty) child early in the morning when I’m not really at my chattiest . Which I was happy to put up with to help someone out for a few weeks but not forever!

So AIBU really is am I being a total bitch and should just suck it up? If not, how do I get out of it or at least put a deadline on it? I know I could just do the “that doesn’t work for me” but when May’s mum knows I’m walking that way every day anyway that just seems really rude.

For further clarification, May and her mum are both nice friendly people but neither dd or I are particularly friends with either and we’ve not had a history of helping each other out really.

Meant to say she had severe case of Lupus.

Cannot tell you how much I enjoy the fact that evacuation of children during the war has been brought in as a measure of how selfish you are.

It’s not selfish to not want to do it. You’re not duty bound to “make a real difference” and all that crap being wheeled out in other posts. Your life, requirements and wants do not come secondary to your neighbour’s, even if she happens to have fallen on hard times. I’m quite interested in the responses here, usually the person expecting free childcare is the CF rather than the person being put upon being the selfish party.

I wouldn’t want to be committed to taking someone else’s child to school every days no matter what the circumstances. Not to say I wouldn’t do it for a bit, but it’s perfectly reasonable to not want to be the permanent solution.

Is the mother likely to get better, or is this progressive? If it is, how long will it be before you’re asked to collect the child too, and will you be happy to do that? Thought not.

If this is a permanent situation, the mother needs to find a permanent solution, and you need to have a conversation about it with her. If she needs your help, she needs to be up front with you about the situation. Decide what you will do, and stick to it, and help her find a solution. If you let it go on as is, where she asks every half term, you’ll be very resentful very quickly.

Argh - such a hard one. If it's any help, I'd feel like you and I don't think it's wrong to be internally resentful of a one-way long term favour, but if you can then I'd keep on doing it.

I'd do it, but not every day. What if your daughter is ill or has a Dr's appointment?

Could the dad drop her into breakfast club or is he too early for that too.

It's does sound a little bit like they are not really making much of an effort to combat what will likely be a long term issue and it's falling on you to make up for that.

As much as it wouldn't bother me personally the favt that the dd took a job and they assumed you'd do it , well the responsibility is not ok for the actual family but is ok for you?

I wouldn’t want to do it long term, I wouldn’t want the extra responsibility or commitment and actually, just wouldn’t want to do it. If I wanted to be a childminder, I’d be one! I’d just say no, you’re not able to commit to a regular arrangement as it doesn’t work for your family in the morning and tell her you believe there’s a local childminder that may be able to step in.

I think I’d also be swayed by how she reacts to your help - is she grateful, does she thank you, does she offer any reciprocation that’s feasible or give you a box of chocolates at the end of the term etc?

Tbh OP, as much as its a PITA I'd carry on doing it if the illness is genuine. There is an end in sight as you've said the girls will walk to school in around 2 years time. Alternatively, offer to do 3 days ad suggest she finds someone else for the other 2 days so the load is shared.

It is a very easy way to help someone else with something they really need. A lot of people would be pleased to be able to give something in a way that has so little impact on them.

If you can't do it on the odd day because you have another commitment or your DD goes for a sleepover, just tell this other mum she needs to find someone else to help.

It may be that there is someone else she could ask but they currently help her with some other vital task and she wouldn't feel right asking them to do both all of the time. Maybe the little girl is going into school a little happier for having walked there chatting to you and your DD.

I live in a village and people do things like this for each other all the time, whether they are friends, neighbours or have just heard of a need they could help meet. It makes for a much nicer way of life for us all.

FWIW, my grown up DD helped out a child with a disability for a few days recently because she could and she was offered a totally unconnected job as a result which is probably going to give her career a huge boost. What goes around come around.

Just do the right thing and enjoy the opportunity to help make life a little easier for someone who is having a really hard time.

Bigger picture here is that the family should be contacting the primary school asking about young carers scheme. Our primary gets additional funding and help available for children that have someone in their immediate family who requires care such as you describe. That would be more effective than putting expectations upon a neighbour who is becoming increasingly resentful of the situation.
But you need to speak up, nicely. Sounds like they don’t know that you’re not entirely happy with the current routine.

So clearly if for whatever reason you need to drop your daughter off early, then May’s mum doesn’t consider you under any obligation to get May there too.

So it’s only on your normal days that you are being asked to take her.

I think it’s a very easy thing for you to do that helps May’s mum so much.

To clarify - the child is normally on time and you are walking to school anyway? How does this put you out, on a normal day?

I don't understand why you wouldn't want to help tbh.

Can see both sides!

Could all the parents get together along your street(s) and take the kids in turn?
May's mum is not included on rota but the effort to get all kids to school is thinned out amongst all parents?

This happened when I was a kid... A pal's mum had severe illness (that sadly killed her by time kid was at secondary) so all the mums shared taking kids to and from school and covered ill mum's trips between them.. It worked well

It takes a village doesn’t it clearly not an ethos you subscribe to. Yes you are being extremely selfish, am sure you know that. We shouldn’t just plod along through life only thinking of ourselves with the exception of family and close friends.

So clearly if for whatever reason you need to drop your daughter off early, then May’s mum doesn’t consider you under any obligation to get May there too

Yet people taking jobs and not arranging with jobs to allow for this, surely that shows that if they have basically set their situation up off the back of this that there is some expectation she will do it there?

I’m quite interested in the responses here, usually the person expecting free childcare is the CF rather than the person being put upon being the selfish party.

It's called context! Compassion used to be a thing.

I have recently been moved by the kindness of someone who lives locally. She made it easier for me to be a mum when I was grieving the sudden loss of mine.

She would say that she hardly did anything, but she did enough, and I am so very grateful.

You could do that too.

YABVU. Sorry.

You're helping somebody out without going out of your way. Bask in the glow of doing a good deed.

One day, you might be the one needing help.

Yet people taking jobs and not arranging with jobs to allow for this, surely that shows that if they have basically set their situation up off the back of this that there is some expectation she will do it there?

It’s not May’s older sister’s fault that she needs to move away to get a job and earn a living. She can’t be much older than early twenties, she has to start her own life at some point.

And presumably, with May’s mother not working & disabled, her father’s is the family’s only income.

I understand - it's not so much the task itself as the commitment you are making. I also think that it was unintentionally tricky of May's mum to say "until half-term" and now "until Christmas", rather than "for years and years", which makes clear the magnitude of what she is really asking.

I would probably do it, but I wouldn't love the extra hassle. It also sounds like they haven't really thought about other options, given that May has a second parent in perfectly robust health.

YABU. And horrible.

Why can't women just help each other? When I was a child, my mum had two young babies, so a mum who lived nearby with a child at the same school would walk me home when she walked her own daughter home. If she didn't, it would have been almost impossible for my mum to walk a mile each way.

This girl probably wishes her mum could walk her, but she can't. It's not putting you out, you're still walking to the same destination.

Maybe you'll need someone's help one day, remember that.

I find this really mean spirited. You are doing thus anyway, It’s not costing you anything extra in money, you are not going out of your way so it doesn’t take extra time. It’s just the child is chatty .

The point I'm.making though is that it seems ok to pile in and tell op she is being selfish and yet the kids family won't even help out

I think that's unfair tbh

You're not unreasonable to feel as you do OP.
You seem happy to help but don't want to be the go to person for the nextcouple of years and that's understandable.

I might suggest asking if you could have a chat with the school's safeguarding lead as they'll have links to young carers groups and family support if May's mum is really finding things tough.
After half term maybe say to May's mum you're happy to help out as and when but you can't commit to regularly doing drop offs.

I can't see how the OP is being selfish. She's not the one sitting at a computer criticising somebody who is actually helping out. She doesn't really want to, but that doesn't make her a bad person in any way, shape or form - particularly as she's actually doing the favour, and it looks to me as though she is going to continue with it.

I'd go along with the suggestion of encouraging a system whereby you do some days, but other people are involved on other days. I'd find occasional reasons, with plenty of notice, and explain that I wouldn't be able to do the school run that day. As other people start doing the run, it's less of a responsibility for you, and hopefully you'd feel less trapped by the whole situation.

Is that the child’s name you’ve used there in your post a few comment she back OP? Because if so maybe it’d be good to ask for it to be edited out...