To not want to take this child to school?

[EveryoneButSam]

My dd is in a class with a girl who lives on our street, let’s call her May. May’s mum has a long term illness which makes it very difficult for her to get up and moving in the morning, so she can’t do the morning school run. Up until about a month ago May was being taken to school by her much older sister, but the sister has now got a different job and moved away.

May’s mum asked if I would take her to school up until half term. I agreed, although with a bit of trepidation as although I didn’t mind doing it for a few weeks I couldn’t see how May’s mum was going to be able to find a different solution. And guess what, she hasn’t, and has now asked if I can carry on until Christmas. But again, I don’t see a solution for after then!

I feel awful for not wanting to commit to this but I really don’t. Not indefinitely. It’s not even as if it’s putting me out that much, May is only a couple of doors down so walks herself over here and is usually on time. Apart from a couple of incidences where she’s not stopped where she should have she’s not much of a bother. I just find it an annoyance - if we’re ready a bit early we have to wait, I have to chat to an extra (chatty) child early in the morning when I’m not really at my chattiest . Which I was happy to put up with to help someone out for a few weeks but not forever!

So AIBU really is am I being a total bitch and should just suck it up? If not, how do I get out of it or at least put a deadline on it? I know I could just do the “that doesn’t work for me” but when May’s mum knows I’m walking that way every day anyway that just seems really rude.

For further clarification, May and her mum are both nice friendly people but neither dd or I are particularly friends with either and we’ve not had a history of helping each other out really.

I would just do it. Can't see the problem. It might teach your own child kindness by example.

@Hereforthelineeyes

Why should OP need to find new ways to spend time with her daughter just so that a random person on the street, that she is not friends with, that her daughter is not friends with, doesn't have to take responsibility for getting her daughter to school.

When a good deed becomes a source of resentment and a burden, that is when it need to stop. All these Marters who put themselves out whilst really not wanting to or enjoying the favour that they are doing, are not doing themselves any favours. If somebody was doing me a regular favour, and quietly hated it, or resented it, I would be mortified, and would rather them be upfront and honest with me, then pushing through the pain so to speak.

alfie I was just asking if her daughter would prefer the other set up to one on one time. I don't ever remember feeling special when mum drove me to school, I did feel special when she took time out to to take just me to the movies.

If OP doesn't want to do it, fine. She shouldn't do it of she's going to resent it. I was just offering up a solution that involved her and her DD still having fun and spending time together and May's DD still getting to school.

As I said I've been on the receiving end of some regular acts of kindness and they made the world of difference to me. I can be quite a socially awkward person, and I was very self conscious as a young single parent when I needed people's help, so I probably wasn't gushing with thanks either.

We all might end up relying on the kindness of strangers at some point.

We as a society seriously need to rethink our attitudes. If doing a simple act of kindness for a child makes you feel resentful it says at lot about an individual. When did we become a country that thought it was ok to not help people when they needed it? How sad you have to ask OP.

Debfronut it is a big ongoing commitment for the op, op is already being kind taking this woman's dd to school for a term, as well as on an ad hoc basis in the past. Very easy to type on a keyboard, in practice how giving would those Myrters be.

I know, maybe op should point the mum in the direction of Mumsnet, and see who will offer to take her dd then.

I think you should make it clear to them now that they need to make other arrangements or else they will likely ask you to continue after Christmas.
They should approach the council now about arranging home to school transport. No doubt they will have to get a letter from the doctor etc. Once set up, not only will May be safely transported but it will supply to work to a local taxi driver and escort.

Aero May turns up on her door, generally on time, OP walks May along the same route she's taking with her own DD at the same time. She isn't going out of her way or incurring any additional costs. It's just an extra child tagging along. We gave our next door neighbours lifts for years. We were going to the same school. They did 2/5 mornings because they were able to and we did the other 3. Even if they weren't able to return the favour we were going to the school anyway. It isn't really a commitment in terms of additional time, money, petrol, inconvenience. It's an opportunity to do something that really helps someone out for very little or no additional effort.

@Debfronut

How many ongoing, indefinite, un-thanked for, favours are you currently undertaking for strangers.

I look after someone's child while she works (after school and a few holidays) as she is a single mum not much money and daughter has ASD so not easy to find carers, I volunteer at a womans refuge and do other bits and bobs. I also work 35 hours a week and I am studying for another career in case you think I loaf around all day. You know giving a bit back doesn't hurt. I have to look after my own daughter why not someone else's? When my sons were younger (both have autism) people helped me why not be kind if you can? I just don't get it

I don’t get it either. Helping others is good for them, good for you and good for society.

Mumsnet is such a selfish place.

Good for your kids too to learn about the importance of helping others.

Good for the kids who learn they matter and to fight for your own self worth.

HereFor it does not matter, op does not want to do it anymore and it is her right, especially as it is everyday for quite possibly 2 years. You don't know what other issues op has in her life, or mental health issues. I would feel the same tbh, I would not mind doing that on an ad hoc basis, but to walk another child to school with mine every day for quite possibly 2 years would start to become irritating. I would do this for a friend, not some random, it does not sound like they are very appreciative either. That would most certainly grate.

2 years is a long time & a lot of things can change. OP has agreed to carry on the arrangement until Christmas which is more than fair & Mays parents will need to make alternative arrangements after that. I have a disability & wouldn't dream of using that to avoid my reponsivbilities without any thanks or reciprocation.

Responsibilities even!

You did a kind thing by helping out but I'd put a stop to a long term arrangement. The mum needs to organise a childminder to walk her to school if she has no family who can do it.

I would probably do this tbh, doesn't sound like its inconveniencing you or anything. However it seems you are just expected to do it indefinitely, which would annoy me a lot. I don't think you are being unreasonable for not wanting to commit to this. I think the mum really needs to sort something out if she cannot do it herself. Sounds harsh, but I have a pain condition where I would be in the same situation as the mum if DH couldn't take the kids to school, and I cannot imagine taking the piss in this manner. Long term, she will need to start thinking about paying a nanny or something for the school runs I think. Its not your problem.

Thank you Ginand Ginger... didnt know that even after loads years on her... i dont post much. Apologies for misreading post and crediting wrong person with the illness lupus.

squarepeg

I'm just waiting to hear what the "illness" is, but from what's gone on here I can guess

?????? I'm speechless. What a nasty comment. Illness is illness. How do you decide which illness is worth helping or not?

FWIW I do not think the OP is selfish. I did wonder at first why she would have an issue with taking May to school when it did not inconvenience her in any way but I can also see the open endedness of the arrangement might feel a bit of a bind. I consider myself someone who is failry compassionate but I tend to feel trapped by commitments that have no fixed time limit on them.

I also hate having to make small talk, especially first thing in the morning!

I don’t get it either. Helping others is good for them, good for you and good for society.

I'm not sure that any of that applies when there is an able-bodied parent on the scene who seems to be happy to dump his responsibilities onto a neighbour he doesn't know.