To not want to take this child to school?

[EveryoneButSam]

My dd is in a class with a girl who lives on our street, let’s call her May. May’s mum has a long term illness which makes it very difficult for her to get up and moving in the morning, so she can’t do the morning school run. Up until about a month ago May was being taken to school by her much older sister, but the sister has now got a different job and moved away.

May’s mum asked if I would take her to school up until half term. I agreed, although with a bit of trepidation as although I didn’t mind doing it for a few weeks I couldn’t see how May’s mum was going to be able to find a different solution. And guess what, she hasn’t, and has now asked if I can carry on until Christmas. But again, I don’t see a solution for after then!

I feel awful for not wanting to commit to this but I really don’t. Not indefinitely. It’s not even as if it’s putting me out that much, May is only a couple of doors down so walks herself over here and is usually on time. Apart from a couple of incidences where she’s not stopped where she should have she’s not much of a bother. I just find it an annoyance - if we’re ready a bit early we have to wait, I have to chat to an extra (chatty) child early in the morning when I’m not really at my chattiest . Which I was happy to put up with to help someone out for a few weeks but not forever!

So AIBU really is am I being a total bitch and should just suck it up? If not, how do I get out of it or at least put a deadline on it? I know I could just do the “that doesn’t work for me” but when May’s mum knows I’m walking that way every day anyway that just seems really rude.

For further clarification, May and her mum are both nice friendly people but neither dd or I are particularly friends with either and we’ve not had a history of helping each other out really.

What happens if your child is ill and is staying home? Would the mum take her child to school herself ?

I have done it & done it for the whole of Primary school when my ds was there. Another mum from up the road was a carer and worked night shifts so I offered to take her 3 children with my son so she could go straight to sleep and be up in time to collect at home time. I did this not because I'm a nice person or it was easy I did this because I could see she was struggling and needed help when no one else had offered. I like to think that if I was struggling someone would help me.

This is all pointless. OP isn't coming back. Some quite nasty things are being said about Mays family and the OP. Huge assumptions being made about the mums disability/illness and disability in general.

Plus posters are asking/saying the same things over and over so people aren't even RTFT.

SillySally, have you RTFT? OP posted yesterday.

Looking at it this way:

Possibly, OP has reduced her working hours just so that she could have this time with Dd. Maybe she expected to use breakfast club and get on to work, but decided that time taking Dd to school was more important for them both.

Now, it is assumed by others, who are not her friends or family, that this time is unimportant to her and they can just add someone to tag along.

OP's attempt to make time for Dd is now not working, and she may as well abandon the attempt and let Dd go to breakfast club like most working parents.

This would be a real pity.

The long term chronically sick on here get very frustrated that those in better health can't understand their difficulties.
Similarly, those of us who have to work all hours, but are fortunate enough to manage to arrange the odd half hour to be alone with our child get extremely frustrated when others just assume this time is automatically available for their childcare.

All those people telling op to suck it up, and take this child indefinitely, is pointless, op is on here because she does not want to do it indefinitely, that is her right. Op needs to talk to May's mum ASAP so that she can look at local CM who could do it, or it allows the father to adjust his hours to accommodate if he is able to.

Similarly, those of us who have to work all hours, but are fortunate enough to manage to arrange the odd half hour to be alone with our child get extremely frustrated when others just assume this time is automatically available for their childcare.

Absolutely! Time is precious.

That makes you a nice and good person! The world needs more people like you @Notjustanyone 💐

miscible

How exactly would someone choose to be ill?

cryhardandswim, since I haven't claimed that anyone chose to be ill, that's not a question I can answer.

The bit that would make me is that she doesn't seem to have explained why she can't take her own child to school. Surely it would be natural to say "I have X which means I can't get up early enough to take May to school. Would you mind helping?". Given she hasn't done that then I think the OP can't differentiate between her being in need or a piss taker. I'd do it up until christmas and that's it. Taking another child is a PITA.larticukalrly when it's unpaid and unreciprocated. Been there and worn the tshirt.

What you would do is irrelevant here, as you are not the op. It is clear that she does not want to continue this arrangement anymore, so needs to let the mum know asap, so that she has time to sort something out. I am agog that people carry on arrangements, even if they are not enjoying it, for the greater good, life is too short for that. When a good deed becomes a burden or you are not enjoying it, time to stop. What is this showing op dd, that she has to put her feelings and needs at the back for other people, that is wrong.

At the end of the day, op has done so much to help this family, now and in the past, some posters are being quite frankly nasty to her for wanting to stop. That is her right. I think op dd would like her to stop this arrangement too, it is not fair on her.

What is this showing op dd, that she has to put her feelings and needs at the back for other people, that is wrong.

No- it's just saying from time to time in life, you might make a bit of an effort to help out someone in need.

OP doesn't have to commit for years... in fact she doesn't have to commit at all... but perhaps she could inconvenience herself for another half term, and do someone a kindness.

Maru it is not from time to time, it is every day for possibly 2 years! I think that she will be doing until Christmas.

YANBU. You've been very kind. I wouldn't want to commit to a permanent arrangement. I'm clearly not a nice person.

I think it's a nice and kind thing to do and I would probably do the same, for a limited period of time.

But after half a term of doing it every day I'd be starting to wonder when they were going to put some more permanent plans in place to manage what is a long-term issue for them.

If May's mum is as incapacitated as the OP believes, then they need a much longer term plan than simply relying on OP. OP can't be their only solution.

Think about it the other way round, if you were the disabled mum and her husband, would you be thinking, 'Hmm we need to sort this so we're not reliant on favours from other people and have a proper plan in place'. Or would you be thinking, 'Great, OP doesn't seem to mind, that's that sorted for the next three years then.'

but perhaps she could inconvenience herself for another half term, and do someone a kindness

That is, word for word, what OP said she intends to do. What a bizarre post.

I get it. My ds attends a rural school which is a 20 minute drive away. As luck would have it his classmate is a neighbour and at the start of the year I agreed to do the school run for split petrol costs. I'm glad to split the cost as tbh it is an expense I was worried about. And I'm very glad the environmental impact is halved. But the reality is it is an inconvenience that when added up becomes a burden.

In the morning we have to be ready for the earliest time the child might arrive but mostly end up twiddling our thumbs for 15 minutes. DS and other child might entertain each other or they might squabble or other child might want to be entertained. Other child sometimes gets upset saying goodbye to parent and makes us late. Other child never wants to leave playground at home time and it's always a negotiation. I would almost never go straight home from school but now have to for drop off. Worst of all I once dosed DS up on paracetamol and took him to school when I wouldn't have if I didn't want to let the other parent down. My own stupidity but I felt so awkward.

The pros outweigh the cons for me. It's worth it, the other child is nice, DS mostly enjoys it, etc. But it is an imposition and worth recognizing as one.

It is a hard one because on the face of it, it is no actual trouble. But it does mean always having to consider a third party and being responsible for the welfare of someone else’s child on a daily basis.

As this is a service other people pay for, it isn’t fair to expect OP to simply pick it up for someone she barely knows and be happy to do it indefinitely. It feels like they could be hoping that OP just decides to carry on.

If the DF is really so desperately over-worked with a disabled partner that he can't offer anything in return,

he could at least take 5 minutes to text / phone and say how grateful they are, how desperate and that he he+s sorry he can't recipricate with anything

Otherwise, the OP may well wonder if she's just enabling him to avoid responsibility for his DD and to minimise any impact on his free time

Exactly BigChocFrenzy. OP said she had seen him at school but doesn’t know him to talk too. I find this crazy, the woman who helps you out every morning, taking your child to school and he couldn’t pick her out of a line up?! The mother sounds similar. No thank you texts or offers of cups of tea.

That is what the ‘oooh don’t be so unkind, take the child to school for 2 years’ brigade are missing.

Neither parent seems remotely grateful.

What’s your plan OP, have you heard any more from her?

I think that you should just be honest.

Say

“I wanted to talk with you about us taking May to school. I feel awkward about this as I don’t know you that well and I don’t know the entirety of your situation, as I respect your privacy. But I wanted to be honest with you and would hope that you felt able to be honest with me in return. And I honestly don’t want to commit to taking May into school long term if there is any other solution that you can implement. I really want time alone with my daughter in the morning, she’s my youngest and it’s the only one to one time we have. If there’s a way for you to organise your family toget May to school that doesn’t involve me I would really appreciate it. But I would also really appreciate your honestly if there isn’t and i’m Your only option. “

Diggers that gives May's mum too much control. OP doesn't want to do it further than Christmas. It's entirely up to May's dad, mum, sister, wider family to take responsibility. Not some randomer from down the street!