To not want to take this child to school?

[EveryoneButSam]

My dd is in a class with a girl who lives on our street, let’s call her May. May’s mum has a long term illness which makes it very difficult for her to get up and moving in the morning, so she can’t do the morning school run. Up until about a month ago May was being taken to school by her much older sister, but the sister has now got a different job and moved away.

May’s mum asked if I would take her to school up until half term. I agreed, although with a bit of trepidation as although I didn’t mind doing it for a few weeks I couldn’t see how May’s mum was going to be able to find a different solution. And guess what, she hasn’t, and has now asked if I can carry on until Christmas. But again, I don’t see a solution for after then!

I feel awful for not wanting to commit to this but I really don’t. Not indefinitely. It’s not even as if it’s putting me out that much, May is only a couple of doors down so walks herself over here and is usually on time. Apart from a couple of incidences where she’s not stopped where she should have she’s not much of a bother. I just find it an annoyance - if we’re ready a bit early we have to wait, I have to chat to an extra (chatty) child early in the morning when I’m not really at my chattiest . Which I was happy to put up with to help someone out for a few weeks but not forever!

So AIBU really is am I being a total bitch and should just suck it up? If not, how do I get out of it or at least put a deadline on it? I know I could just do the “that doesn’t work for me” but when May’s mum knows I’m walking that way every day anyway that just seems really rude.

For further clarification, May and her mum are both nice friendly people but neither dd or I are particularly friends with either and we’ve not had a history of helping each other out really.

My local authority provides a cab allowance for disabled people. It can be used for the school run or to go shopping or to work.

but this woman can drive yes it takes longe4r to get up and out but she has a carf she doesnt need a taxi service and prob wouldmt qualify for one

she can pick her up so i dont see why she cant get up earlier-alot of people have to do this

she can pick her up so i dont see why she cant get up earlier-alot of people have to do this

If only it was that easy hey. It realy isn't for some illnesses and disabilities and on certain medications.

Well it might not be easy but she needs to get a grip and either have her husband change his job entirely or get up earlier. You need to adapt. I can barely walk in the morning so I wake up 1 hour early, take painkillers and sit in a bath of epsom salts. Every frigging day. Because there's no alternative.

Well it might not be easy but she needs to get a grip and either have her husband change his job entirely or get up earlier. You need to adapt. I can barely walk in the morning so I wake up 1 hour early, take painkillers and sit in a bath of epsom salts. Every frigging day. Because there's no alternative.

Thats you though. For me to be in a fit enough state to do it in the morning would mean me gettiing up at about 3am and epsom salts certainly would have no effect.

Its easy saying adapt. Reality is very different.

Truth is without knowing what the illess or disability is or the job sotuation with the dad is, tge discussion is pretty pointless.

the OP hasn't been back anyway

Whilst I sympathise for the situation the neighbour is in, I think she is being a cf because she's lying about trying to sort it out and she is simply not being straight with the op and stringing the op along. It could be for the genuine reason that she doesn't know what to do long term. But she is still not being honest. And unless you've actually done it, taking another child to and from school in the long term is a pain. The dynamics change. Ops child has to take it in turns for attention on what could be b one of their few bits of quality time in the day. There are obviously other options as I doubt very much the child wouldn't be attending school if the op hadn't been taking her for the past couple of months. There is the local childminder (as from what limited knowledge the op has of the family she doesn't seem to think money would be an issue) the father could drop her at breakfast club and change his hours or the neighbour could take her. Clearly she's not so disabled that she can't do it because given the option of breakfast club the morning op had to be in work early she chose to drive the child in herself. It's fine to rely on the help of family and friends but to expect acquaintances to help out indefinitely is not really on. And before anyone asks, I have experience of how a long term medical condition that causes pain can effect your ability to carry out simple everyday activities.

cf because she's lying about trying to sort it out and she is simply not being straight with the op and stringing the op along.

How do you possibly know that?

OP what did she do before you helped out? So a few months ago?

Has she gone from doing the school run every morning to not being able to do any morning or was someone else doing it?

del

The older dd was doing it but she got a new job.

Thats you though. For me to be in a fit enough state to do it in the morning would mean me gettiing up at about 3am and epsom salts certainly would have no effect.

Its easy saying adapt. Reality is very different*

Yes but you cannot rely on strangers, there has to be some other way, maybe it means the husband quitting work, who knows.
I get up at 4am but I just have to do it, because there is no alternative and no family or strangers to give my kids to (not that I would)

Don't leave it till Christmas then have a gentle conversation. Start asking right now what the plan is for alternative arrangements. I really don't think you want to be getting into a regular one-sided arrangement with an almost complete stranger.

You haven't said what her illness is and you don't seem to know what the father's arrangements are. All the people calling you selfish are acting like this woman is completely on her own with no other support network and that's not true. There's a husband here who could step up but frankly hasn't seen the need to change his work arrangements the thing is that everybody else who has no other option does change their work arrangements so they can do pick up and drop off and the use Breakfast Club and after-school club. I really hate the "it takes a village" attitude. Yes it's fine for short term arrangements, one-off /emergency/ help out /favours, or indeed where people are very altruistic and perfectly happy to help because some people are. I don't understand why this woman has to be entirely reliant on the kindness of OP.

Make it clear now that you are not her new way of sorting out this problem. Don't be guilt tripped by all the people calling you selfish.

The fact is that you are perfectly me small person who has helped others out in the past. Something is making you think that this arrangement is not quite right and it's feeling like a burden already please don't get landed with it for ever.

^ perfectly reasonable

Ahh yes thanks Giles I did read that but forgot! It’s like a mystery we’re all trying to solve but the truth is none of us know the disability.

This woman does need to stop relying on a stranger and sort out long term plans for her dd.

"because she's lying about trying to sort it out and she is simply not being straight with the op and stringing the op along."

How do you possibly know that?

I think the poster means the neighbour doesn't have a plan, she just keeps asking to do the drop-offs for longer and longer. It's unlikely she has a plan beyond Christmas.

I am still reading but I have a job and three kids and there was a lot to plough through! Thanks for the replies. To be honest they have left me just as confused as before as you seem to be split thinking I’m a hideous person, a saint and everything in between!

To try and answer a few questions:

I never said May’s mum has lupus. I don’t know what she has. She hasn’t told me and I haven’t wanted to ask.

It’s not about getting something back. Even if she was paying me £100 a week (which would obviously be ridiculous!) I still wouldn’t want to do it indefinitely. And knowing that they’re already finding things difficult as a family there’s no way I’d agree to eg May’s dad coming to mow the lawn at the weekend - I’m sure he has enough on his hands!

Those of you who have surmised that I like walking dd to school on her own have it spot on. I have two older children who get themselves to school and it is my little bit of time with her. I’d hate to think of losing it completely. She’s actually pretty quiet when we have May, I talk to May and dd just sort of walks along. They’ve never had a falling out but they’ve been in the same class since reception and have never really been friends, I guess they just don’t get on that well? They are quite different personalities.

Of course I don’t act like I resent May. I do actually like her and feel sorry for her situation. I’m smiley and chatty and treat her like my own dd- probably better really as I never shout at her to hurry up! And I guess you always keep a closer eye on other people’s kids than your own.

So I still don’t know what to do. I’ve said yes to the rest of term. Maybe when it gets closer to Christmas I will pluck up the courage to have an honest conversation.

Honestly, OP, I'd lay the foundations for stopping at Xmas, now.

You should not feel guilty for wanting 121 time with your DD.

It’s sad you don’t get that time to chat with your daughter.

You are essentially doing a massive favour for a stranger. I hope you can say something at the end of this term.

According to this thread Jesus would ask god if he could change his working hours and that his missus had nothing wrong with her and was just being a cheeky fucker

Why is the idea that the first thing to do is check why the child's father can't take his own child to school so weird?! It may well be that he has the least flexible in the job in the world, but to assume that he can't possiblybe expected to ask his employers about changing his hours strikes me as bizarre. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

It is really bizarre that people on this thread are expecting more of a random woman (i.e. the OP) rather than the child's dad. A strange form of sexism. What is OP was male? Would people still expect him to do the drop off for a neighbour every day?

It's not your family - you've done loads already. The Mum is not alone there is a family around her and they will be fine. You've done your bit now it's time to think of your own child.

I think the sooner the better with that conversation, so That the mum can look at the other options.

So I still don’t know what to do. I’ve said yes to the rest of term. Maybe when it gets closer to Christmas I will pluck up the courage to have an honest conversation.

I would have the chat now. I'm sure MNers can help you draft the perfect text!

If you really aren't happy helping her, It would make perfect sense to actually call round one day (perhaps in the holidays) and speak to her personally- get to know her a bit, find out a bit more about what's wrong and make your mind up to whether you do think she's a cf.

Your dd is more important than anyone else in this scenario, and she is missing out on 1 to 1 time with you. Do make sure that she knows you shall not be able to continue after Christmas. Good luck.

You are unreasonable. Why not do it, it takes nothing from you. We are on the earth to help eachother surely, you might need a helping hand one day.