To not want to take this child to school?

[EveryoneButSam]

My dd is in a class with a girl who lives on our street, let’s call her May. May’s mum has a long term illness which makes it very difficult for her to get up and moving in the morning, so she can’t do the morning school run. Up until about a month ago May was being taken to school by her much older sister, but the sister has now got a different job and moved away.

May’s mum asked if I would take her to school up until half term. I agreed, although with a bit of trepidation as although I didn’t mind doing it for a few weeks I couldn’t see how May’s mum was going to be able to find a different solution. And guess what, she hasn’t, and has now asked if I can carry on until Christmas. But again, I don’t see a solution for after then!

I feel awful for not wanting to commit to this but I really don’t. Not indefinitely. It’s not even as if it’s putting me out that much, May is only a couple of doors down so walks herself over here and is usually on time. Apart from a couple of incidences where she’s not stopped where she should have she’s not much of a bother. I just find it an annoyance - if we’re ready a bit early we have to wait, I have to chat to an extra (chatty) child early in the morning when I’m not really at my chattiest . Which I was happy to put up with to help someone out for a few weeks but not forever!

So AIBU really is am I being a total bitch and should just suck it up? If not, how do I get out of it or at least put a deadline on it? I know I could just do the “that doesn’t work for me” but when May’s mum knows I’m walking that way every day anyway that just seems really rude.

For further clarification, May and her mum are both nice friendly people but neither dd or I are particularly friends with either and we’ve not had a history of helping each other out really.

Rebecca36. It does take from OP and her DD. RTFT.

I am guessing that the vast majority of replies from people on here saying you should do it are from people who have never taken on regular, unpaid, unreciprocated childcare. I did, for a very good friend for a while when she was ill. I'd have done anything for her in the circumstances but that's because she was a good friend and not just a random neighbour. It still got quite wearing though, and really it was only for a few months. It takes energy to be responsible for another child, and it takes away from the time you spend with your own child. It can be especially hard when you are having a tricky morning anyway. It is an effort, even if you are walking that way anyway.

I think it is reasonable for you to do it for a short fixed time, or as a stop-gap or back up for other arrangements. I don't think it's reasonable to expect you to do it all the time, potentially for years. They need to find a more permanent solution probably involving paid care such as breakfast-club or childminder.

Your last post is reason enough to set an end date, I don't think your dd is very happy, she is your priority not a stranger's child.

I agree with Aeroflot
Also I stand by is that what your daughter is learning isn't charity and compassion it's that her wants/needs and yours must come second to serving others who have offered no friendship or gratitude in return so that everyone in that family can carry on as they are.
Let May chat to the taxi driver or other parents or a school worker. It doesn't have to always be you.

Two things on this thread have blown my mind - that schools insist on parents walking their kids in school in Y4, never mind Y6 (if these years are the English equivalent of P4 and P6), and all those people who wouldn’t willingly help a disabled parent when it’s no skin off their nose and they’re going to school anyway!

Is the mum grateful, OP? Does she say thank you regularly? Has she ever given you a token thank you gift? It's things like that that make a difference, if I knew she recognised that you are actually doing her a big favour and not just taking it for granted as time goes on.
If you are not really friends and she doesn't thank you then that would make me feel uncomfortable, and like other people have said, she should offer now and then to pick up your DD, no question. As she doesn't it's another sign to me that she's taking you for granted.

OhEctoplasm
That’s nice for you that you can sit in a bath of Epsom salts and all sort of be ok. I’m not attention seeking. I’m explaining my reality to people, including you, who think a person can do x to produce y. For you your solution is to get up earlier. Maybe it is possible for this woman, maybe it isn’t.

Can you really not understand that your reality isn’t the same as my reality and the same as another person’s? Seeing as how difficult life is for you I think it’s strange you do not seem to be able to acknowledge that for some there is no magic solution.

EveryoneButSam
Yes, I think you should have a discussion with this woman about her future health and explain how your dd is feeling. If you don’t ask you will never know how about her life and her struggles. You can then also sound her out to see if she has someone else, who could help her some of the time.

You say your dd is feeling left out. Have you talked to your dd about it?

Why can dad not drop the dd at breakfast club at the school on the way to work like every other working parent? Or with a CM if no breakfast club?

It’s fine to help friends and neighbors for random emergencies or even in the short term if a sudden illness. But open ended everyday childcare for a woman you barely know is a massive imposition.

Op - I think you've been very kind so far. I work full time and have3 kids and I know how important and special it is to have those moments together. You can't get that time back. I would go round to the lady, and have a chat face to face and say you will do up until Xmas but then cannot in the new year. that gives her or the Dad time to sort something.

Don't carry on if your DD is now feeling unhappy about it.

AgentProvocateur, try reading the thread. We don't know that this woman is disabled, and it is skin off OP's and her daughter's noses. And why should she feel obligated to do a favour for May's father, who has a hell of a lot more responsibility in this than OP?

I have read it. She has a long-term illness (aka disability under the EA) and the OP herself says it’s “not putting her out” - aka no skin off her nose.

Agent, it may not be physically putting her out as in, she is going to school anyway. However, she loses precious time talking with her daughter. She does not know this woman or her husband. She said ‘long term illness’ not disability. She doesn’t know as the woman barely speaks to her.

It is having an impact on her life and time with her daughter.

I don’t think there’s any point in discussing the nature of illness/disability as none of us know.
The important thing is the OP doesn’t know. That shows how well she knows the woman.

So the problem is that sometimes you have to wait a little while, and that she's chatty?

While her sick mum is in bed and can't bring her to school herself?

And it really requires no extra effort from you at all?

YABU.

No, BrownCow, that isn't the problem. If you can't read the thread, read the OP's posts.

My DS started to take the bus home from school when he was 10yo as he didn't want to go to after school any longer. He had an older sibling at home. He would just miss the bus, that came when the bell rang so he would have to wait 30 mns for the best one and school wouldn't keep him for h&s reasons. OK when nice but tough when freezing cold/raining as no bus shelter.

A mum who I didn't know who lived near by me found out from her son who was in the same class and she offered to take him home as she had to come for her son any way.

I felt bad but she insisted. She even refused anything towards petrol. She did it for two years and it made my life and more importantly that of my DS so much easier. If it had been the other way, I would have done just the same as really it wasn't much trouble

I guess there are some people who do nice things because the are nice peoe and those who don't because they don't need help from others they don't see why they should help others.

BrownCowStunning, it's fitting that your twatty post above is #666 in the thread.

Why can dad not drop the dd at breakfast club at the school on the way to work like every other working parent? Or with a CM if no breakfast club?

That would be far too logical MsTTwist, much better to get a woman to do it, even if you're not friends with her or show her zero appreciation.

I would be interested to hear whether the “no skin off your nose” type posters have themselves taken the child of someone they don’t know to school for months on end?

I guess there are some people who do nice things because the are nice peoe and those who don't because they don't need help from others they don't see why they should thers.

But OP is a nice person? She's taken the girl to school for a month and is planning to take her to school until Christmas.

Some of you won't be satisfied until OP commits to taking the child to school for the next 2 years! Ridiculous.

Did you show this woman any appreciation for what she did?

Not really the same situation swingifthings

OP has arranged her working life so she can take her daughter to school, to spend that time in the day with her. May chats the whole way, daughter is silent. OP is missing out on this time.

Agent it is bothering her, that is why op is on here asking for advice, it was not a bother when it was ad hoc, but now it seems to have become a more permanent arrangement with no end in sight, it is affecting op and her dd. I love these posters on here, offering op help, very easy to offer somebody else help when you are at a keyboard.

Honestly i think the biggest problem here is communication and lack of it.

There are just too many unknown things. Maybe Mays mum is sorting an alternative arrangement, maybe she isnt and is anticipating this is a long term solution for her family, maybe she finds the change in the seasons and the colder weather exacerbates her symptoms but will be able to manage more in the warmer months - who knows? Certainly not the OP!

Any kind of arrangement needs a mutual understanding and i think thats what i would struggle with in this situation. The op doesn't know whether this is expected of her long or short term and i think thats an unreasonable thing to ask of a stranger without talking about it (even friends would have a conversation wouldn't they - "how long do you think youd need me to do this for?" " Not sure, im really sorry is that ok?")

Op i think you need to go and knock on the door - without the dc around - and talk to her. Not asking intrusive qus but just to try and establish what they are expecting of this arrangement. And what would happen if your circumstances change.

As for me - i would probably do it however i would want some indication whether this was a temporary or permanent situation.

I wonder if an au pair is the solution?

If they're not willing or able to pay for breakfast club then I doubt they would get an au pair.