I can't trust this Mother...

[MistressoftheYoniverse]

My daughter went to a party at a friends house on Friday ..we sent her in a taxi to her friends and booked a taxi back @ 1pm for her to return home she's 16yrs yrs old.

So I get a call @ after 11pm just before 12am on my daughters phone from the mother of the girl who's party it is saying, 'Oh hi Yoniverse, I don't feel comfortable to send your DD1 home in a cab it's too late imo for someone her age, all the other kids are leaving...so can she stay the night and come home in the morning?...Now I was confused, she was using my DD1's phone and making me feel like my parenting choices were suspect because 'she felt' that it was too late...I agreed...mainly because I thought she had possibly been manipulated or cajoled by her own DD to get my DD1 to stay the night and I know what that's like, I'm pretty relaxed, but I was still perplexed and tbh a little annoyed but I said 'OK but make sure DD1 calls the Taxi station and cancels ..she said Ok ...a bit later I tried to call my DD numerous times but no answer....

I thought I might call the mum the next day and explain that the Taxi service we use we have been using for over 20 yrs they took our children to school in the morning when they were young, we know the owners/drivers by name so not just any random cab station so nothing to worry about.

FF>> 6am my DD1 calls me and asks did her friend's mum call me last night?... I say yes but why are you unsure?...'Oh she told me she called ..I was just checking' I asked if she told her that she should have cancelled the taxi..she said no ...so I confronted her and said 'you were wasted/mashed last night weren't you?' ...silence...then DD1 reluctantly admits she was so drunk she blacked out, was passed out for over an hour in the bathroom...didn't know how she got to bed, had 17 missed calls from her boyfriend and numerous other things she was unclear about.

I was upset...not completely about my DD1 being drunk....yeah it's not ideal but it happens and it's really hard for a parent to control other peoples children and what they sneakily do...

It was the bloomin lies and the making me feel like a bad parent for allowing my child to travel home in a taxi...it was the fact that she didn't tell me the truth that she didn't want to sent DD1 home because my child, under her care had become so drunk that she was too scared send her home in a taxi!

I would have really respected her if she had told me my DD was unfit to travel in a taxi because she had been drinking, she was worried and wanted to keep an eye on her...Things happen, I know it's not what you want to say to another parent but don't friggin lie and make the parent out to be a bad decision maker and that you know better!
I am angry right now...
DD still wants to be friends with this girl but I can't trust this mother

OP you said you called a taxi to bring her back at 1pm. 10 hours before her mother called. I don't understand why the taxi didn't bring her home at 1pm or at least let you know they turned up at that house and she didn't come out. Unless you meant 1am? Even if it was 1am, that is far, FAR too late for a 16 year old.

I would find out WHERE you daughter had the alcohol. If it was at this mother's place, I would be ropeable with her for plying your daughter with alcohol, and yes, the next bit will make your daughter furious, but I would inform the police that this mother gave your child alcohol. I don't know what the legal age for drinking is where you are. But if she is underage, that is wrong. BUT, even more so for her to be PASSED OUT DRUNK. That is simply not acceptable. What would allows another person's child to get so drunk that they BLACK OUT in the bathroom at 16?

I think your priorities are wrong, you shouldn't worry about what you think the mother was or wasn't insinuating about you, you should be worrying that your child could have DIED because she plied her with alcohol until she blacked out! THAT is what you should be concerned about, and you should inform the police. You're worrying about what someone else thinks of you, you don't seem concerned for the health and welfare of your child!

i forget you have different laws than we do, thought it would be pretty similar as NZ, here it is illegal to sell or supply, and one mother thought she would be the "cool mum" and supplied bottles of spirits to her teen and others teenagers to party at her home, one such teen after consuming the better part of a large bottle of vodka decided to drive home( or somewhere) and caused an accident.... the mother was charged and convicted that has always stuck in my mind

People really need to get a fucking grip. And don't waste Police time. And as for telling the Mothers employers..

It seems it was definitely the girls mother as you recognised her accent so yes she has lied to you but the one thing I'm thinking of is if she thought your dd would get into trouble if she was caught drinking? So covered up to save dd's skin rather than her own. Clutching at straws here!

My ds went to his best friend's 16th birthday party in a house last night. He is still 15 and is the only one out of the friendship group of boys and girls who doesn't drink alcohol.

He has been offered a pint only recently at a football match as he looks older than his age ( and has a beard ) but is simply not interested. This caused a bit of an issue last year when it was the 15th birthday party season as he was seen as odd for not drinking. Parents have always been present at these parties and are aware of the drinking.

I have not got a problem with ds having a drink as I was out drinking in clubs at 15 and he's a sensible lad but he's simply not ready for it all. Best friend had the hangover from hell last year and ds said it's put him off even more.

It seems very acceptable in all of the various friendship groups at his school. Ds said that last night his best friend kissed 5 different people as he was that drunk ( boys and girls! ) and there was no food at the party to soak up the alcohol.

I would give her the benefit of the doubt. Only as I was the drunk girl one time. Drunk far more than my friends thinking I was cool then had to be held up by my friends parents and sobered up before I was put to bed to make sure I was OK.

She will probably learn her lesson from the embarrassment of being in that state in front of her friends.

It could have been a lot worse if she wasn't allowed in someone's house to drink and was drinking out on the streets or somewhere where she couldn't be found or looked after.

YANBU to be livid. I would be too. She should have called you and asked you to pick your dd up even if it meant taking a taxi to collect her.

Don't tell the police? WOW. A child has blacked out from being plied with alcohol, she could have died, and Likelcare's response is to say 'get a fucking grip'? No wonder parents don't give a shit about their children these days, with that irresponsible attitude! The police (after ascertaining the alcohol came from and/or was drunk at the mother's house) are exactly who you need to inform. I cannot believe some people on here! Binge drinking and blacking out is serious, the amount of children that end up in hospital on life support due to acute alcohol intoxication would shock you. I read on Facebook a mother showing photos of her 16 year old on life support with breathing tubes and tubes everywhere due to drinking a bottle of vodka. Drs were not sure if she would regain consciousness, and were talking about turning off life support. Luckily the daughter recovered, and Oprah did a special with them, returning to the place it happened.

How can children and teens take binge drinking and acute alcohol intoxication seriously, if posters and parents on here don't?

What would you have done if you knew she was passed out drunk? Would you have gone to collect her?

OP has said she was angry about being judged & not being told her DD was legless.

OP was very understanding about alcohol being there, and that her DD was legless; these things are not her issues. It's only the communication OP is angry about.

Can someone list the huge dangers of being passed out from alcohol for an hour? I tried googling but can't find any.

Total aside: CBlasey-Ford, I reckon a big reason she told no one about the 1982 events was her drinking & all the underage drinking at that party where BK pinned her to the bed (BK was underage for drinking, too). In 1982 America, any under-age drinking was a huge deal & no one would want to face the consequences of being found out. Adults being Puritan about booze turned out to let a serial sex pest get away with crap.

Plied with alcohol?

For all we know the mother had been out and came back to find the OP’s daughter in a state, then looked after her.

The best way to find out what happened is to go round and see her.

And put a rocket under your DD to make sure she never drinks herself into oblivion again.

There’s no proof at all that the DD was “plied” with alcohol. Facts need to be ascertained before folks start ringing the mothers workplace.

And the police won’t be remotely interested as it’s not illegal to allow minors to drink in a private home. In fact at 16 the DD could drink beer with a meal out of the home.

The way to deal with binge drinking and the likes is most certainly not to call the police, the workplace of the friends mum and ensure that the DD never tells her mother anything ever again.

The OP needs to find out why the DD was in that state, and then deal with the mother after that. The DD is the important bit here - why did she get that state and why didn’t she want to go home.

Agreed, lljkk. The neglectful and couldn't give a shit attitude of people on here shows just how the teenage drinking epidemic in the UK came about. People saying, oh, I was drinking in clubs at 15, like it is something to be proud of. I personally, would be MORTIFIED, and in fact, I would be even more vigilant to make sure nothing like that happened to my child. I will try to find that Opera story. It really brought home how one 'black out' can result in a funeral.

Can someone list the huge dangers of being passed out from alcohol for an hour? I tried googling but can't find any.

Being out cold out of sight my biggest worries would be injury from when she passed out and choking on her own vomit (which can be a quiet death, not loud so wouldn’t be heard through a door at a party).

If it is underage to drink, it is underage and therefore illegal to drink at 16 in a pub OR at home. The law doesn't normally say, 'minimum drinking age is (for example) 18, oh, but you can drink 12 at home.'

I would suspect it wasn't the mother at all but one of her friends. The main concern here is your daughter and the very dangerous situation she got herself in. She could have been raped. Surely that's what you should be focusing on more than anything else?

In the actual thread, OP already said she has spoken to the mother before and it was definitely her.

I’d be furious too. My Dd asked if she could stay with a friend for a sleepover aged about 12 I said yes. I was shopping in Tesco evening of sleepover just before dropping DD there. A woman I’d never seen before started chatting to DD it turned out she was the mother of the girl whose sleepover it was, she was buying a shit ton of alcohol and asking DD what her preferences were? I was stunned! Needless to say she was told in no uncertain terms DD would not be staying that night or indeed ever! You have to question some people’s intelligence sometimes

I would be angry but be prepared to be told by the DM what your dd was up to and you might not like it! In my teens I put other people's mums in bad positions like this with my drunken behaviour (with their dcs) and the mums had to mop up the mess (figuratively and sometimes literally...). On all occasions I had bought it on myself and the mums had no idea of the extent to which we were drinking (teens have their ways of hiding it!)

If it is underage to drink, it is underage and therefore illegal to drink at 16 in a pub OR at home. The law doesn't normally say, 'minimum drinking age is (for example) 18, oh, but you can drink 12 at home.'

It’s illegal to buy alcohol under 18.

It’s illegal to give alcohol to a child under 5. Children over that age can drink alcohol in private homes.

A 16 or 17yo can drink - but not buy - beer, wine or cider in a pub to accompany a meal.

@SalemBlackCat4 I think the laws may be different in the USA which is where I think you are?

Police in this country fairly uninterested in teenagers getting mashed at a house party unless there is report of assault, criminal damage, or public disturbance.

The mother was wrong to do what she did but as daughter is presumably unharmed apart from a hangover, completely freaking out and overreacting won't promote healthy discussions between OP and her child about drinking.

and the law IS different dependent on age and setting.

crosspost with Exfury

If it is underage to drink, it is underage and therefore illegal to drink at 16 in a pub OR at home. The law doesn't normally say, 'minimum drinking age is (for example) 18, oh, but you can drink 12 at home

That is literally what the law says

Are you sure it was the mother that called you?

Hysterical posts about how its illegal and the mother should be arrested are not helping the OP. As PP have said it isn't illegal for children over 5 to drink alcohol in a private residence. This site gives the details www.drinkaware.co.uk/alcohol-facts/alcohol-and-the-law/the-law-on-alcohol-and-under-18s/

Whether there could be a charge of neglect or reckless endangerment is another matter but as the OPs daughter is fine, then there is nothing there either.

Have you heard about the 18 year man who died after being left to sleep it off when he was actually unconscious and dying? The friendship would be over for me. The mother's bad influence and decision making, the fact the daughter didn't put your child first, the lying, etc etc.