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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I can't trust this Mother...

342 replies

MistressoftheYoniverse · 28/10/2018 01:15

My daughter went to a party at a friends house on Friday ..we sent her in a taxi to her friends and booked a taxi back @ 1pm for her to return home she's 16yrs yrs old.

So I get a call @ after 11pm just before 12am on my daughters phone from the mother of the girl who's party it is saying, 'Oh hi Yoniverse, I don't feel comfortable to send your DD1 home in a cab it's too late imo for someone her age, all the other kids are leaving...so can she stay the night and come home in the morning?...Now I was confused, she was using my DD1's phone Hmm and making me feel like my parenting choices were suspect because 'she felt' that it was too late...I agreed...mainly because I thought she had possibly been manipulated or cajoled by her own DD to get my DD1 to stay the night and I know what that's like, I'm pretty relaxed, but I was still perplexed and tbh a little annoyed but I said 'OK but make sure DD1 calls the Taxi station and cancels ..she said Ok ...a bit later I tried to call my DD numerous times but no answer....

I thought I might call the mum the next day and explain that the Taxi service we use we have been using for over 20 yrs they took our children to school in the morning when they were young, we know the owners/drivers by name so not just any random cab station so nothing to worry about.

FF>> 6am my DD1 calls me and asks did her friend's mum call me last night?... I say yes but why are you unsure?...'Oh she told me she called ..I was just checking' Hmm I asked if she told her that she should have cancelled the taxi..she said no ...so I confronted her and said 'you were wasted/mashed last night weren't you?' ...silence...then DD1 reluctantly admits she was so drunk she blacked out, was passed out for over an hour in the bathroom...didn't know how she got to bed, had 17 missed calls from her boyfriend and numerous other things she was unclear about.

I was upset...not completely about my DD1 being drunk....yeah it's not ideal but it happens and it's really hard for a parent to control other peoples children and what they sneakily do...

It was the bloomin lies and the making me feel like a bad parent for allowing my child to travel home in a taxi...it was the fact that she didn't tell me the truth that she didn't want to sent DD1 home because my child, under her care had become so drunk that she was too scared send her home in a taxi!

I would have really respected her if she had told me my DD was unfit to travel in a taxi because she had been drinking, she was worried and wanted to keep an eye on her...Things happen, I know it's not what you want to say to another parent but don't friggin lie and make the parent out to be a bad decision maker and that you know better!
I am angry right now...
DD still wants to be friends with this girl but I can't trust this mother

OP posts:
Shriekingbanshee · 28/10/2018 02:52

YANBU you cannot trust her

Shriekingbanshee · 28/10/2018 02:53

*and still thought this was the right thing to do

Aintnothingbutaheartache · 28/10/2018 02:54

It was essentially a cover up attempt and could have ended very badly

Monty27 · 28/10/2018 02:55

Are you sure that people you spoke to or text was genuinely the mother?
Sounds suspect to me Hmm

Original poster
MistressoftheYoniverse · 28/10/2018 03:02

Yes Monty hence why I am so pissed off ... I have spoken to the mum before

OP posts:
AwakeNow · 28/10/2018 03:03

Dd's df's dm cannot be trusted. She is a liar and did not give you the option to decide to go fetch her yourself either Guess she is one of those "cool" dm's. Yadefinitlynbu op!

lalalalyra · 28/10/2018 03:28

It's a tough one because at 16 you've only got control for a short period of time from now on, but I'd be strongly against any parties at that house again.

Sometimes we have to put the care of our kids in the hands of other people, but passed out drunk for an hour needs someone to call for medical help. It's bad enough that none of her friends called for that help, but the fact the so-called responsible adult didn't call for it is just ridiculous.

Was the mother at the party? Or did she just leave them unsupervised?

lalalalyra · 28/10/2018 03:29

Also have you had a chat with your DD about her alcohol consumption? Was she definately drunk, and was that definately because she knew she was drinking it?

An unsupervised/badly supervised party would have me worried about spiked drinks if your DD isn't normally one to get into such a state.

Shriekingbanshee · 28/10/2018 03:40

It raises many horrific issues lala if drink spiked, boys around? Mother clearly was there, for what thats worth!! Anything could have happened to her.

She has been left alone 'apparently' unconscious in a bathroom for an hour.

She needs to be sure nothing else happened. This party really is a complete unknown isn't it

Monty27 · 28/10/2018 03:42

I hope the mother was genuinely there. I'd probably have had DD home some way or another.

SD1978 · 28/10/2018 03:44

I would be annoyed. Allowing her to get drunk- assuming the party was supervised, and then trying to cover it by questioning your parenting- she can not be trusted at all and I would t allow DD back there for anything- other child can come to your house. I would also be looking for clarification, and an apology. Either she thought she was doing the right thing or not, is inconsequential- you don't make those kinds of decisions for other children.

lalalalyra · 28/10/2018 03:47

Tbh Shreiking it's not just boys around that's an issue. My DD (15yo) had her drink spiked recently by another girl and the social media fall out from the throwing up/staggering/acting weird pics has been hellish. Thankfully someone relatively quickly called for help.

The unconscious in the bathroom bit would likely have me put the fear of god into one of mine - it's also slightly weird because whenever mine have friends over (mine is the house they'll have a drink in, but always with parental consent and super strict - basically two or three drinks at most, no spirits etc and will be back to that after DD's incident. Won't be trusting other parents again.) after about a minute in te bathroom there's some bugger banging the door wanting in.

OP you realy need to get a good chat with your DD and make sure she's ok.

That mother needs a slap.

TheSerenDipitY · 28/10/2018 04:35

im still in shock that none of you are concerned that someone has allowed a minor to drink in her home or supplied alcohol to a minor and other have said they allow it with other peoples minors in their homes???? what the fuck is wrong with you????? she has done something illegal and fucken reckless with your child and you are more pissed that she lied and covered it up????? really????

Labradoodliedoodoo · 28/10/2018 04:44

I think you should have explained during the phone call that you’ve been using the taxi firm for years so it’s not an issue.

I’d be cross with the Mum. Ring her and ask her about the blackout and explain that your DD should have gone to hospital.

I’d also be cross without your DD. She chose to put herself in a very vulnerable situation and was lucky to get out the other side in one piece

claraschu · 28/10/2018 04:54

It is not illegal to let a minor drink in your home.

The vast majority of 16 year olds at parties in the UK do drink.

Clearly the mother shouldn't have lied to the OP, and I would be upset and angry about that. However, 16 is also old enough that the dd is making a lot of these sorts of choices herself, and it doesn't make sense to blame other parents who are dealing with a big group of kids late at night for dd's actions.

lalalalyra · 28/10/2018 05:00

im still in shock that none of you are concerned that someone has allowed a minor to drink in her home or supplied alcohol to a minor and other have said they allow it with other peoples minors in their homes???? what the fuck is wrong with you????? she has done something illegal and fucken reckless with your child and you are more pissed that she lied and covered it up????? really????

It's not illegal to allow a minor to drink in a private home unless the minor is under 5.

Teenagers (15/16) drinking is a huge issue where I live. It's dangerous because the main haunt of the kids is either the park (with river) or at at the beach.

I allow mine to have one or two drinks at a social event, like many parents. And that extended to allowing them and their friends to do so safely. So no spirits, no getting drunk and only after I've spoken to their parents. It's closely monitored, they're indoors out of the cold, they're safe and they're away from the peer pressure to get hammered/drink vodka (which is a HUGE issue among teens here for some reason) and there's drunk sex or accidents because there's adults around.

It's not for everyone, but it works for us. DS is now 19 and he and his closer friends still prefer just to have a couple of drinks if they bother. In fact last night there was 4 teenage lads playing FIFA whilst sharing a bottle of red wine lol. It works for me and the parents involved.

bastardkitty · 28/10/2018 05:05

YANBU - that's atrocious behaviour and actually very dangerous. What does this stupid woman do for a job? Her actions really put your daughter at risk. I think a life lesson - though I doubt you will let your daughter be in this position again - is to always insist on speaking to your DD to confirm her wishes and if not to insist on sticking to the original plan. If she works with children or young people I would report her to social care.

Slitheringcorpsefeed · 28/10/2018 05:12

First, I hope your DD is ok and not feeling too unwelll now.

There's all sorts of things about this that sound a bit off to me.

I would have been immediately suspicious when my DD didn't ring me herself (may have asked to speak to friend's mum afterwards just to check arrangements ok , but I've been speaking directly to DD when she's been on sleepovers since she was about 12 yrs old). I'd definitely have asked to speak to DD myself in these circs.

Second, how does your DD know she was passed out in the bathroom for an hour if she was so drunk? Not to mention as pp said, that it would be strange for a guest to be in a family bathroom passed out that long without someone taking action (calling medical help?).

The other mother was totally out of order allowing drinks to be consumed under her watch (if she was there) and definitely out of order for not calling you when things went pear-shaped but I'm afraid I wouldn't be relying completely on your dd's account of what happened given the circumstances, until I'd found out a bit more.

Personally, I'd be ringing the mother and asking her for more details (in a non-accusatory way as pp suggests) before I went in there with all guns blazing.

ragged · 28/10/2018 05:14

It's fairly 'normal' for British parents of older teens to supply party booze, so be ready to battle with your own teens if they have social life & you plan to defy the norm. I refused to supply booze until end of yr11, which puts me in a rare group already.

From what OP described...
I don't hear the other parent judging OP. If you are angry & conclude that parent is an untrustworthy person because she 'judged' you, I don't see that being justified. She didn't say you were a bad parent. The decision wasn't about YOU.

I would have really respected her if she had told me my DD was unfit to travel in a taxi because she had been drinking, she was worried and wanted to keep an eye on her.... she was too scared send her home in a taxi!

You could talk to the other parent about this to repair the relationship. Some parents would HIT the roof if their kid came home in such a state. Maybe the other mom didn't know if you would be like that and be sending a vulnerable person into a storm of horribleness. It's even possible your DD was telling her that you would be very angry. I'd cut her some slack on that. It may have been fragmentory blackouts so hard to assess how bad the drunk was (the DD still talking & walking, but otherwise legless, so very vulnerable).

Slitheringcorpsefeed · 28/10/2018 05:20

If she works with children or young people I would report her to social care

Surely you need to find out more details before doing anything like that?

Snitzelvoncrumb · 28/10/2018 05:21

I think you need to go over and see the mum. Don't get angry, just calmly ask her about what happened. If it was her calling, then you need to tell the other parents what happened, how many other mums got that call, and would be interested to know what happened. This will also be a fantastic punishment for your daughter.
You do need to know if there is a parent letting teens parties get out of hand.

Monty27 · 28/10/2018 05:28

This thread is about safety of ops DD which doesn't sound great. I would have got my well known cab firm as you so call it to take me there to get her. I couldn't leave her there and worrying all night. I'd rather she was home Shock

user1493413286 · 28/10/2018 05:52

I wouldn’t trust her either; I don’t think you can’t stop your DD being friends with the girl though but you can say she can’t go to the friends house

rainbowquack · 28/10/2018 06:01

I would be angry and I would tell the other mum why.

SalemBlackCat4 · 28/10/2018 06:19

SofiaAmes

"Not just because my dd got drunk under the supervision of this mum (yes these things happen), but when she passed out, the mum didn't call or get medical attention for this child (yes 16, but legally still a child)"

Agreed, but apparently, it is ok for 16 and 17 year olds to have sex at their parents house and not ask their parents' permission, according to some on another thread. Hmm So there are some who probably think drinking at 16 is ok too. :(

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