I can't trust this Mother...

[MistressoftheYoniverse]

My daughter went to a party at a friends house on Friday ..we sent her in a taxi to her friends and booked a taxi back @ 1pm for her to return home she's 16yrs yrs old.

So I get a call @ after 11pm just before 12am on my daughters phone from the mother of the girl who's party it is saying, 'Oh hi Yoniverse, I don't feel comfortable to send your DD1 home in a cab it's too late imo for someone her age, all the other kids are leaving...so can she stay the night and come home in the morning?...Now I was confused, she was using my DD1's phone and making me feel like my parenting choices were suspect because 'she felt' that it was too late...I agreed...mainly because I thought she had possibly been manipulated or cajoled by her own DD to get my DD1 to stay the night and I know what that's like, I'm pretty relaxed, but I was still perplexed and tbh a little annoyed but I said 'OK but make sure DD1 calls the Taxi station and cancels ..she said Ok ...a bit later I tried to call my DD numerous times but no answer....

I thought I might call the mum the next day and explain that the Taxi service we use we have been using for over 20 yrs they took our children to school in the morning when they were young, we know the owners/drivers by name so not just any random cab station so nothing to worry about.

FF>> 6am my DD1 calls me and asks did her friend's mum call me last night?... I say yes but why are you unsure?...'Oh she told me she called ..I was just checking' I asked if she told her that she should have cancelled the taxi..she said no ...so I confronted her and said 'you were wasted/mashed last night weren't you?' ...silence...then DD1 reluctantly admits she was so drunk she blacked out, was passed out for over an hour in the bathroom...didn't know how she got to bed, had 17 missed calls from her boyfriend and numerous other things she was unclear about.

I was upset...not completely about my DD1 being drunk....yeah it's not ideal but it happens and it's really hard for a parent to control other peoples children and what they sneakily do...

It was the bloomin lies and the making me feel like a bad parent for allowing my child to travel home in a taxi...it was the fact that she didn't tell me the truth that she didn't want to sent DD1 home because my child, under her care had become so drunk that she was too scared send her home in a taxi!

I would have really respected her if she had told me my DD was unfit to travel in a taxi because she had been drinking, she was worried and wanted to keep an eye on her...Things happen, I know it's not what you want to say to another parent but don't friggin lie and make the parent out to be a bad decision maker and that you know better!
I am angry right now...
DD still wants to be friends with this girl but I can't trust this mother

Maybe if this happens again get out of bed and go to get her straight away.

op I think you said you do not drive. You arranged a taxi for 1am for your daughter. In your situation, when receiving the phone call from the other mum, I think I would have booked a taxi to go and personal skit collect your daughter. I would give the benefit of the doubt to the other mum that she was proactive enough to pick up the phone to you and accommodate your daughter overnight when - for whatever reason - she was not in a fit state to get in a 1am cab on her own. My guess is that your dd had too much to drink to be sent off on her own. The other mum made a call to do what she thought was best, but you were not powerless to go and retrieve her yourself.

I agree that it’s a bit off of the friend’s mum to lie about the state your DD was in.
You need to have a frank chat with DD though. If she begged friend’s DM not to tell you, you’ll look like an arse if you phone up and get all pissy.

At 16, you can’t really expect other adults to monitor alcohol intake. Teens are fiendishly difficult to police.
Hopefully your DD is mortified and has learnt her lesson. I’d be focussing my attention on talking to her about ressponsible drinking rather than raging at the other mother tbh.

Glad she’s ok though. Luckily nothing too serious happened.

Doesn’t matter if she supplied the alcohol or not. She has been involved in what could have ended badly & is fully responsible for what happened as she was the adult at the ‘party’.
My friends 13yr old made a bad decision & ended up with bad alcohol poisoning after a ‘supervised’ party!
This was her 1st time drinking, her mother knew nothing about the kids being able to drink alcohol at the party or she wouldn’t have let her go but, apparently the parents let their daughter drink with her friends all the time so it is ok.
She was in hospital for 2days after said supervised party went bad because the kids were left alone with several bottles of vodka & wine for their use.
She apparently did 10 very large shots & drank 2 bottles of wine before she collapsed, vomited & passed out on the front lawn!!
The parents at the party called my friend not an ambulance & my friend took her unconscious daughter to hospital.
She has since had words with the irresponsible parent & got nothing but a dressing down on how she should teach her daughter how to handle her drink!
Needless to say they are no longer speaking & her daughter is now getting bullied for being a grass & a lightweight 🤭
She is now getting police involved because the parents are clearly not taking the health risks of alcohol into account when letting their child drink at home & the bullying, for her daughter, has become physical.
It can so easily go wrong especially when they don’t know how alcohol will affect their young bodies.

I think kids who drink younger are 4x more likely to have problems with drink later in life

Then you think wrong. An example being mainland Europe, the med in particular, where alcohol and drinking sensibly is normalised from an early age and they don't have anywhere near the issues the U.K. does.

As for the poster who asked if I'd really have a go back at the mum because I'd lied and not told her about her kid. Oh yes, and I'd have explained how her kid had begged and pleaded with me not to tell her, how she'd told me she was an awful parent who didn't care about her, and about how she told me she wished she was dead. And how I sat up till five am dealing with her kid.

Bottom line is the parents are responsible for teaching their own kid about alcohol and how to behave. And as much as it's subjective about whether to tell or not, and how to deal with each individual situation and each situation is individual, it's fundamentally always going to be the parent responsible for bringing their own kid uo in a way they can be trusted when they go out.

@April2020mom

I'm guessing with your name you don't actually have teen children? Which is why this;

No more parties. Simple as that yet effective

... is absolute nonsense.

We're talking about a 16 year old. Trying to control them like you suggest is a recipe for disaster - as well as unfair.

The problem with teenage drinking is that even if you do talk to them about the risks, and even if you do model 'perfect' alcohol consumption at home, they will still do it, because all their peers are doing it too. (Or worse, actually).

1. Did you know there would be alcohol at the party? (Not judging)
2. Were you clear about the level of supervision that there would be?

Either way, I would have gone ABSOLUTELY MENTAL for one reason only .

LIES . Its up to YOU to make parenting choices, based on FACTS that you know at the time, not some random parent

She sounds like a good person. She made sure your daughter was safe. Yes maybe your daughter got drunk in her house but let's be honest, that's your daughter's fault and your daughter's choice. The mum was probably in an awkward situation, didn't want to put your daughter in danger OR get her in trouble OR make you feel like shit for the fact that your daughter got so drunk she passed out. Unless you know for a fact that this mum served the alcohol, YABU. I'd be grateful.

I would be more concerned about your DD's relationship with alcohol.

If she is normally responsible, was she aware of what she was drinking?

I know this won't ease your concerns at such a stressful time.

Grateful?! She lied the the OP. Why would you be grateful for that?!

Teenagers drink,fact.better to do it in someones home with adults .but!!! The mother should have told you

@bluntness I’m not disagreeing with many of your points. Not every kid who has a beer with their parents is going to go on to have a problem, there are other factors too. However Mediterranean kids have a very different culture and attitude, getting blind drunk isn’t as common as here etc so it’s not the best comparison. We do have a problem drinking culture here. And for UK and Irish kids the younger the drink the more risk they have. Discouragement may be better than ‘banning’ but it’s that normalisation of drinking which we as parents could steer away from.

Don’t take my word for it. Read the drinkaware info it’s very good.

Here’s some of the research I’ve found:

Drinkaware is a good site, very credible.
Evidence also reveals that children who start to drink by age 13 are more likely to go on to have worse grades, to skip school and, in the worst case scenario, to be excluded from school7.

Due to a young person’s lower body weight and limited ability to metabolise alcohol, acute intoxication can occur rapidly in children and young people3.

Compared to non-drinkers, underage drinkers are more likely to smoke tobacco, use cannabis or use other hard drugs10.
[https://www.drinkaware.co.uk/advice/underage-drinking/know-the-risks-of-drinking-alcohol-underage/]

And...
Younger women drinking increases risk of breast cancer.
[https://www.irishtimes.com/news/health/drinking-in-teens-and-20s-increases-risk-of-getting-cancer-1.3298393]

Official guidance
Children and their parents or carers are advised that an alcohol-free childhood is the healthiest and best option. However, if children drink alcohol underage, it should not be until at least the age of 15 years.
If young people aged 15 to 17 years consume alcohol, it should always be with the guidance of a parent or carer or in a supervised environment. Parents and young people should be aware that drinking, even at age 15 or older, can be hazardous to health and that not drinking is the healthiest option for young people.

www.drinkaware.co.uk/advice/underage-drinking/know-the-risks-of-drinking-alcohol-underage/
Sorry!

When it comes to teenagers you may feel there’s little point in having rules and boundaries, they’ll only break them – it’s what teenagers do!
But in fact we know that while kids push against rules they feel safer having them, and they do pay attention. If you’ve talked them through your expectations and agreed boundaries with them, they ‘buy in’ and feel the rule is theirs to keep.

As for you Bluntness100 You say it is the parent’s responsibility!!! Yes and as such how can she deal with things if she doesn’t know what’s going on??? You seem like an absolutely horrible person with a big mouth!!! I do feel sorry for any children you have!!!

I really wish people could refrain from the whole "I hope you don't have kids/I feel sorry for any children you have" malarkey on these threads.

There's no need, is there?

Sorry will stop with the links soon! Under age drinking is significantly associated with problems later on, so the longer we can help teenagers to wait, the better. (Obviously easier said than done, but worth knowing)

@bluntness 4x more likely link
Approximately 40 percent of individuals who report drinking before age 15 also describe their behavior and drinking at some point in their lives in ways consistent with a diagnosis for alcohol dependence. This is four times as many as among those who do not drink before age 21.14 (Call to Action, page 12).

www.camy.org/resources/fact-sheets/consequences-of-underage-drinking-surgeon-general/index.html

Dear me chucky calm down.

No one did die so let’s stop with the “what if’s”.

And you are bang out of order to bluntness and you owe her an apology.

THAT mother needs the slap??
Are YOU drunk??
You are the one that needs to be slapped!
You aren't being the cool Mom for letting the kids drink in your house! You are being reckless and someone can get hurt or set up with a lifelong drinking problem.
Wow.
I cannot even believe you commented on this, SMH.....

So nicknacky just because nobody died this time everything’s okay???? Haven’t you read the other posters on here about the teenagers who DID die??? What would you say to their parents....most children don’t die???? I’m sure that would make them feel a lot better!!! This mother was completely out of order, to phone and lie to the OP, when in reality her daughter had been unconscious for an hour. The daughter should have been taken to hospital but this mother thought she would cover it up!!!!! It’s just good luck that there hasn’t been any lasting damage!!!
As for Bluntness, you think I owe her an apology!!!! After the things she has posted!!! Very funny.......

chucky I have been to sudden deaths of people who have died after drinking binges, it’s not ok that that happens. But it didn’t happen, so let’s deal with what happened rather than what didnt happen. And clearly the daughter didn’t need the hospital.

And calm down with the !!!!!!

Nicknacky Who are you to tell me what to do and what not to do!!!!!!!!!!
If your child had been in this position wouldn’t you have wanted to know about it????? I certainly would. Nobody has a right to brazenly lie to you about your child and the state she was in. No, it didn’t happen, but I have seen the fallout, utter distress, disbelief and heartbreaking agony from when it does!!!
And I’ll !!!!! as much as I like.

Nicknacky Who are you to tell me what to do and what not to do!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!???????????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!????????????????!!!!!!

Try it, @Nicknacky, it's fun!!!!!!!???????

I could not imagine reassuring someone about lying to me about my child’s health and welfare. There’s no scenario where that might be the right thing to do.

If you can’t take being responsible for other people’s children, especially when it gets difficult, don’t take them on. There’s no shame in it. Plenty of parents shy away from house parties for this very reason.

Hi, unless I didn’t read the text properly my very first thought when I read your message was ‘that wasn’t the mother calling’. So instead of going in all guns blazing I would tentatively talk to the mum about the party and see what she knows. If this had happened in my house I would be so worried about having a child in this state in my house that I think I would have had to confess/ apologise etc. My gut feeling here is that the mum wasn’t aware. For all you know she was probably told a pack of lies about you too, ie. you weren’t in , or had said it was okay bla bla. Not trying to denigrate your child here at all, it’s just that teens take risks and will be creative with the facts. So having ‘been there and bought the T- shirt’ my advice would be to have a friendly chat with the mum, treading carefully until you have heard her version of the night. Good luck with the next 4 years 😉