I can't trust this Mother...

[MistressoftheYoniverse]

My daughter went to a party at a friends house on Friday ..we sent her in a taxi to her friends and booked a taxi back @ 1pm for her to return home she's 16yrs yrs old.

So I get a call @ after 11pm just before 12am on my daughters phone from the mother of the girl who's party it is saying, 'Oh hi Yoniverse, I don't feel comfortable to send your DD1 home in a cab it's too late imo for someone her age, all the other kids are leaving...so can she stay the night and come home in the morning?...Now I was confused, she was using my DD1's phone and making me feel like my parenting choices were suspect because 'she felt' that it was too late...I agreed...mainly because I thought she had possibly been manipulated or cajoled by her own DD to get my DD1 to stay the night and I know what that's like, I'm pretty relaxed, but I was still perplexed and tbh a little annoyed but I said 'OK but make sure DD1 calls the Taxi station and cancels ..she said Ok ...a bit later I tried to call my DD numerous times but no answer....

I thought I might call the mum the next day and explain that the Taxi service we use we have been using for over 20 yrs they took our children to school in the morning when they were young, we know the owners/drivers by name so not just any random cab station so nothing to worry about.

FF>> 6am my DD1 calls me and asks did her friend's mum call me last night?... I say yes but why are you unsure?...'Oh she told me she called ..I was just checking' I asked if she told her that she should have cancelled the taxi..she said no ...so I confronted her and said 'you were wasted/mashed last night weren't you?' ...silence...then DD1 reluctantly admits she was so drunk she blacked out, was passed out for over an hour in the bathroom...didn't know how she got to bed, had 17 missed calls from her boyfriend and numerous other things she was unclear about.

I was upset...not completely about my DD1 being drunk....yeah it's not ideal but it happens and it's really hard for a parent to control other peoples children and what they sneakily do...

It was the bloomin lies and the making me feel like a bad parent for allowing my child to travel home in a taxi...it was the fact that she didn't tell me the truth that she didn't want to sent DD1 home because my child, under her care had become so drunk that she was too scared send her home in a taxi!

I would have really respected her if she had told me my DD was unfit to travel in a taxi because she had been drinking, she was worried and wanted to keep an eye on her...Things happen, I know it's not what you want to say to another parent but don't friggin lie and make the parent out to be a bad decision maker and that you know better!
I am angry right now...
DD still wants to be friends with this girl but I can't trust this mother

If it was the mother she needs some stern words and education about the dangers of alcohol, particularly in the young.
If it was a friend who made the call she too need educating, but also outing to her own parents for irresponsibly covering up for someone who needed an ambulance rather than a sleep.
"Passed out in the bathroom for an hour"!?!?!? That's SERIOUS!

What's the difference between waking up with a headache and never waking up???

MarieLL59 the op said it was the mum, she recognised the voice. I agree I wouldn’t want to have a child in my in this state!!
I can’t believe the number of people who think that, as the girl was okay it’s not a problem, or those who say it’s up to the mother to teach her child the importance of dealing with alcohol. If the mother is lied to how can she deal with things?
Let’s be honest, the intention behind the op being phoning and lied to was that the op would NEVER FIND OUT about what had happene!! How can she deal with issues if she doesn’t know of about them!!!!

It is quite possible to keep two ideas in your head simultaneously:

a) it was wrong and irresponsible of this mother to lie

b) it was the OP's daughter's decision to get drunk

I have every sympathy with the OP for feeling let down by another parent. I have no sympathy at all when she tries to blame the other parent for keeping vodka in her fridge.

She broke mum code. Obviously more interested in being the cool mum than being a responsible parent. I wouldn’t stop the friendship (that would be very difficult at 16) but I would have a conversation with DD about the dangers of getting wasted and sensible alcohol consumption. You definitely can’t trust this mother but your real issue isn’t with her. There will be loads more scenarios (particularly over the next couple of years) where your DD will be drinking so the most important thing is that she learns her limits whilst still enjoying her late teens/ early 20’s. Hopefully this will have been a lesson for her.

Interesting reading this thread, correct me if I'm wrong, but most of the outraged posters seem to be from outside UK (judging by use of the word 'minor' and spelling of 'mom' and un-britishly passionate, over-the-topness !!!!!!???!?!?!!! ). Also, worth noting that teenage drinking has reduced dramatically in the UK since the turn of the century. Alcohol consumption in girls has dropped by 34% in girls and 40% in boys. May be to do with more time on social media but could also have something to do with more relaxed attitudes in parents, making drinking less attractive - just speculation of course but seems to be the trend across Europe.

OP, I suspect the mother panicked when she realised your child, in her care, had over-done it with the drink. She did the wrong thing by not being honest but I can also understand why someone would lie in that scenario, through fear of repercussions or being deemed a bad parent. I'm guessing she thought that as your child was ok, she could get away with not telling you.

You could speak to the mum and explain DD told you the truth and in future, you would rather she be honest, and let you know if your daughter gets in a state so you can deal with the situation reasonably/come pick her up. You could say you know teens drink and you're not too strict about it but you'd rather she be in your care if she drinks too much. If you feel like you don't know her well enough then you could just send a non-hostile text saying thanks for looking after her in that state but please let you know next time.

Also wanted to say to all those thinking it's shockingly irresponsibly to provide alcohol for teens, my mum use to provide a few bottles of alcopops at parties (hardly enough to feel any affects), but that stopped us getting hold of straight spirits like we did at un-supervised parties.

The mother is a moron. Why the hell any parent would supply their kids with alcohol is beyond me. Trying to be cool is about the most dickish think you can do for your kids. None of this surprises me but you have to wonder what hope there is for kids whose parents are so freaking stupid.

At 16 experience of vodka shots is likely limited, or gauging speed of consumption on an empty tum difficult to already know, but certainly some things can be controlled and haven't been. This is where parents are supposed to do their job responsibly around alchohol, with tight restrictions, certainly no shots, or spirits. Just wrong.
Then lying using dds phone.

A lot of the reduction of alcohol consumption is also down to the fact that a lot more teens prefer other substances now, according to the teens I work with/know.

How do you know what age kids I have. Presumptions are very dangerous.

your DD will very soon be going to parties or on nights out with no responsible adult present.

If she’s going to drink alcohol or take drugs, she needs to understand how to do so responsibly and understand immediate and long term risks associated.

Be wary of the other mother by all means but this is a really good opportunity to talk to your DD about the negative affects of social drugs and how to stay safe while enjoying herself.

You are fuming at being judged about the taxi. The lieing you believe the Mum did is going to be your excuse revenge digs back at her.. Your Daughter.is a liar..

Just to point out heavyload if you did RTFT you would have seen the stats to the contrary, that the longer DC are not exposed to alchohol the lower rates of alchoholism. You seem to be saying the opposite.

And it's not really forgivable the other mother' cowardice, and taking the choice away from OP about her own DD. No, the OM was wrong to have taken that decision, she is not the OPs mother but decided she would act as is she was, in doing so, putting the underage drinker at risk, and distancing her from taking responsibility for that.

@shriek, I agree with you that the other mother didn't do the right thing, but I can understand why she didn't alert the mother, through fear of the repercussions iyswim. Or maybe the daughter and her friend begged her not to tell OP? Not saying it is right, just that I can see why the situation might pan-out that way.

There are always contrary stats and unreliable stats so it is always easy to sway them to fit your narrative (which I have probably done myself). There's also evidence that people are genetically predisposed to suffer from alcoholism so the stats showing that people with early exposure to alcohol are more likely to become addicted, may be skewed by those whose parents are alcohol dependant, so they were exposed to alcohol from a young age but they were always at an increased risk of becoming an alcoholic regardless of the age at which they were exposed to alcohol, because they were genetically predisposed to do so.

There have been some very convincing stats to support abstinence till 18. I am not 'fitting' them to my narrative. If you RTFT you would have seen that, the opposite

I'm not accusing you personally of using stats to fit you're narrative, I just mean that stats are not black and white and there are always a lot of factors that make stats unreliable. So whatever someone's opinion, there's usually stats to back it up, but there's also stats to back up the counter argument.

Yeah, I do know that. I think we all do tbh