Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or should my DPs cook and host properly when I visit

160 replies

ID81241 · 27/10/2018 09:39

I live a 4 hour drive from my DPs (5-6 hours when you factor in stops for DS). DPs always say they like to see DS in their own home, rather than always visiting us, which is fair as we live so close to DHs parents. DH travels a lot with work so I tend to visit DPs during weeks when he's travelling, such as this one. I've been here a few days and so far I've cooked all the meals for myself, DS, DF, and DB (who lives nearby so stops by to visit). My DM cooks meals for just herself and doesn't eat what I cook. The other day, I took DS out to tire him out in the evening, when I got back from the walk my DM was eating dinner. I went to the kitchen to serve some for me and DS, but discovered that she had only cooked for herself. So I had to russle up something for myself, DF and DS... which meant DS's bedtime routine got pushed back.

I don't know if I'm being ungrateful... but it's tiring to travel all the way particularly when 6 months pregnant. I'm not getting any help with childcare, and I'm not being hosted in any way. My DM spends about 2 hours max a day in our company while DF is at work- so I'm not sure what the point in visiting even is. What's worse is that if I'd stayed at home, at least I'd have childcare (nursery) in place to get a break and relax. Please let me know if I'm being unreasonable and spoilt to expect to be able to put my feet up for a couple of meals, or if I should say something.

OP posts:
Littlelambpeep · 27/10/2018 09:42

I wouldn't say anything but I have q very selfish mother so I wouldn't expect to be looked after. She once asked me to leave my one and a half year old and three month old at home to clean her house but she didn't want the noise of them.

Back to you ... reduce the visits. Go out to eat tonight.

OwlinaTree · 27/10/2018 09:45

Well next time they ask you to visit say no or go for less time.

Do they expect you to host them with meals etc when they visit you? Maybe treat them the same way next time they visit.

tattyheadsmum · 27/10/2018 09:46

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable OP. If you have people to stay, you treat them like guests IMO. Was it your childhood home? If so, they may feel that you should just make yourself at home and muck in, but that doesn’t really sit right with me (probably because it’s not how my mum would behave).

Belindabauer · 27/10/2018 09:46

Are your parents happily married?
Seems as though they live separate lives and your dad is happy for you to come and cook for him.
Can you eat out when you are with your ds?
It doesn't sound great for you.

IsTheRainEverComingBack · 27/10/2018 09:47

Yeh I think that’s really odd, I can’t imagine my DM or MIL doing something like that. You’d be well within your rights to say something

MrsStrowman · 27/10/2018 09:49

As above go out our get some fish and chips, but not for her. Does your DF not cook either? I'd never dream of having guests and not feeding them. My DF came round a couple of weeks ago to help me take some stuff to the tip while DH was working, I'm nearly eight months pregnant, I thanked him as he was leaving and he said 'anytime you know I don't mind and I know I always get fed well when I visit'. He'd had lunch, dinner and dessert plus numerous cups of tea and been with me about seven hours

Wednesdaypig · 27/10/2018 09:50

Why are you cooking for other people apart from you and ds? I'm sure they don't starve normally.

Birdsgottafly · 27/10/2018 09:55

I do t think you should 'host' family. You all muck in.

But, if they are so keen to see your DS, you would think that they would take over a bit more.

Would your Parents usually eat together?
Would your DS go happily out with one of them?
Do you not just enjoy seeing them?

Original poster
ID81241 · 27/10/2018 09:56

Yes I think I'll eat out tonight... just tired really.

When my DPs visit us together we host all meals or go out to eat (which we pay for). Most times though my DM visits on her own and while there's always a meal there for her (My DH tends to do the cooking when he's around), she won't always join us to eat and instead nibbles throughout the day. So I wouldn't say she expects to be fed when she visits, but she always has the option to join our meals.

Yes it was my childhood home and I think that's the problem... because I know the area I don't think my DM feels the need to join us doing stuff on the area (like going to the park or on walks). But I find the cooking thing odd... My DH had picked up on it (that when we visit they don't spend much time with us or eat together).

Weirdly enough my parents are happily married but they live very separate lives. DF works full time and then has a hobby which he's done 3 times this week until 10pm or later at night... so DS has only seen him in the mornings. He reheats the food I cook for him when he gets home.

I'm worried if I stop visiting then DS will never see DF since he only visits us once or twice a year.

OP posts:
1099 · 27/10/2018 09:56

Who cooks meals for your Father when you're not there? Do both your DPs cook separately usually or does your DM only cook for herself when you visit. In regards to your visit, YABU to have expected something to have been cooked for you and DS because you already know she doesn't do this. If you had got back and said you and DS had already eaten who would have cooked for DF. It wouldn't be unreasonable for you to discuss the setup with your parents on the basis of understanding what their expectations are when you visit, it may be they think you enjoy doing it.

ComtesseDeSpair · 27/10/2018 09:57

It sounds odd - when I visit my parents they’re always standing outside on the porch waiting for me as I pull into the drive and then spend my entire visit treating me like a tiny emporer whilst I protest from my chair. I think somewhere between that and what your parents do is usual and reasonable - cooking for and spending time with guests is the norm. Only thing I can think of is that your mum doesn’t think of you as a “guest” per se, and so just expects you to act like one of the family. Are you otherwise close or have a good relationship?

IWantChocolates · 27/10/2018 10:02

DH and I have a long drive to see his parents and used to have a long drive to see mine. Even without children, we would be looked after, cooked for, offered tea etc. They wouldn't dream of expecting us to cook (sometimes we offer), especially now I'm pregnant. I can imagine once the baby is here they will be even more helpful.

Is there nothing you can say to your parents? "It's lovely to come and see you but x's routine gets upset and I find it tiring to cook for others in an unfamiliar kitchen"?

PinkHeart5914 · 27/10/2018 10:04

That is really odd.

When you have guests especially family, you just cook once surely? I don’t know anyone that would do this

OliviaStabler · 27/10/2018 10:05

Why does your DM cook and eat separately form you? Why won't she eat your food? Sounds very odd to me.

I'd go out to eat and leave them to it.

Juells · 27/10/2018 10:06

Bring your own food, feed yourself and DS and let everyone else look after themselves as they would if you weren't there.

What are you, the skivvy? Angry

Original poster
ID81241 · 27/10/2018 10:06

In terms of what DF eats when I'm not here... he eats microwave meals. Sometimes my mum cooks in bulk for him and freezes it so when that's the case he'll have that. He rarely cooks from scratch. I can't also wait to see if he'll cook since he normally gets back late by which point it's too late for DS to eat.

If I ask my mum to look after DS while I shower or use the toilet she will, and we do have a close relationship... but she'll never offer anything these days. Which I find odd because she was so helpful when DS was a small baby (he's a toddler now). She spends most of her time upstairs on social media ... which I've pointed out to her but she doesn't see she has a problem as she's trying to develop a following so I think she sees it as "work".

Neither of them have offered to take DS out anywhere or do anything with us.

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 27/10/2018 10:08

What does your father do for dinner normally? Why isn't that being extended to include you? It's mad that you're feeding him and other family members.

It's really very weird that your DM cooks but not for you. If she and DF eat separately, I'd expect one of them to cook for guests, the other (the fussy / out at dinner time one) to do their own thing. Haven't you challenged her on her selfishness and bad hosting?

Next time they ask you to visit, I think I'd say that actually, it's a lot of effort and wears you out, for very limited GP / grandchild interaction, so you're going to stay at home, they're welcome to visit - and you will of course host and feed them!

Wonkypalmtree · 27/10/2018 10:10

Have you asked her about this? Or even better asked her if she could prepare something for you?

Has she got food issues?

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 27/10/2018 10:10

Why bother going all that way if your parents don't even join you when you take DS out and about? Surely that's all part and parcel of seeing him.

lottiegarbanzo · 27/10/2018 10:11

Can you propose taking turns cookng? So say 'tonight I'm planning to make X for DS and I, would you like some? Then maybe you can cook for everyone tomorrow?'.

Is your Mum very fussy or a disordered eater? Sounds that way. Does she think you won't like 'her food'?

lottiegarbanzo · 27/10/2018 10:16

But really, it sounds as if they want you there just so they can tick the 'relationship with grandchildren' box, without actually making any effort. They need to decide which side of that fence they want to fall on.

Can you propose a shorter, more active visit next time (after they've come to you a couple of times)? Make your expectations really clear in advance. Book an activity for everyone. If they don't sound keen, say it isn't really worth coming then.

The other thing is though, are they getting old and slowing down? Perhaps not recognising how different they've become?

Original poster
ID81241 · 27/10/2018 10:18

@TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup I know right? I think when they say they like seeing DS in they own home, they literally mean in the house. Trips and days out not included !

My mum's always on some weird diet so she does have food issues but I wouldn't say she eats any healthier than what I cook.

I'd be nervous to say we won't visit anymore and host only. When I suggested that next Christmas (2019) we'll spend christmas at home but would love to host our family, they kicked off about it and have stopped us from inviting our siblings for Christmas as it would take away from their Christmas. On Christmas me and my sister's do most of the cooking / hosting at DPs and there's limited quality time spent with our parents who do their own thing.

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 27/10/2018 10:18

How often are you going up, and is it more your idea rather than theirs?

Maybe they just don’t see you as a guest- just as you coming home for a bit- so that’s why they carry on with their daily lives.

MaisyPops · 27/10/2018 10:20

I dont think you 'host' family as you would a guest. We all muck in for mealtimes and doing the pots after etc.

But, it's really weird to cook yourself something and not think of the people who are staying with you. That's not 'not hosting', it's being rude and selfish.

I'd say they need to come to you next time.

Troels · 27/10/2018 10:20

Why bother, they put in no effort for anything. Its like camping out in your old room with your child for a few days. I'd say no thanks, and stay home.