or should my DPs cook and host properly when I visit

[ID81241]

I live a 4 hour drive from my DPs (5-6 hours when you factor in stops for DS). DPs always say they like to see DS in their own home, rather than always visiting us, which is fair as we live so close to DHs parents. DH travels a lot with work so I tend to visit DPs during weeks when he's travelling, such as this one. I've been here a few days and so far I've cooked all the meals for myself, DS, DF, and DB (who lives nearby so stops by to visit). My DM cooks meals for just herself and doesn't eat what I cook. The other day, I took DS out to tire him out in the evening, when I got back from the walk my DM was eating dinner. I went to the kitchen to serve some for me and DS, but discovered that she had only cooked for herself. So I had to russle up something for myself, DF and DS... which meant DS's bedtime routine got pushed back.

I don't know if I'm being ungrateful... but it's tiring to travel all the way particularly when 6 months pregnant. I'm not getting any help with childcare, and I'm not being hosted in any way. My DM spends about 2 hours max a day in our company while DF is at work- so I'm not sure what the point in visiting even is. What's worse is that if I'd stayed at home, at least I'd have childcare (nursery) in place to get a break and relax. Please let me know if I'm being unreasonable and spoilt to expect to be able to put my feet up for a couple of meals, or if I should say something.

My older children live away from home (ish) and I'd always cook,particularly on their first night back. They'll usually send in requests for family favourites. Might not cook all lunches etc - it's their house too and none have children but dinner would definitely be down to me.

My mum was a bit like that,but she was a rubbish cook and she knew it!

...they just said Christmas if for spending time with parents and family in your parents' home.

So tell them that DS will be spending Christmas with parents and family in his parents' home from now on.

Your parents are very strange. Your mum probably has an eating disorder. The focus on outward appearance (SM) and the veneer of family life with no attention to the nuts and bolts bespeaks the mindset of ED.

Focus on your DH's family. They sound much more normal.

Never do Christmas at your DPs' again. I wouldn't bother visiting them when DH is away either. Build up your connections where you live - friendships are gold when you have small children.

You and your siblings seem bound to your DPs by FOG - fear, obligation and guilt rather than genuine bonds.

As an experiment, maybe don't tell them you are taking DS and leaving and see how long it takes them to notice you are gone.

I think you should change your plans and start your own Christmas traditions. You and your family celebrate at home and extend invitations to other family members.
I feel sad that your parents aren't trying to make memories with your son.

Very strange set up!

What would they say if you suggested a day out all together? Or asked if they would mind cooking one night as you're tired from being pregnant and having a toddler?

They sound quite selfish and I think you're making it too easy for them. Pop out for a bit and say ooh could you watch ds for an hour? Ask them if you could all have dinner together. If they won't engage, I'm not sure it's worth all this effort! What will happen when your heavily pregnant?!

All sounds very bizarre - don't put yourself through it Op. Also, do Christmas your way - don't let them stop or control you.

Sounds a very sexist carry on, is it because you are a woman and the men want to waited on hand and foot?

Have they stopped you from inviting your siblings to your own house or to theirs? Either way, go home and do what you want from now on. I dare you.

It does sound strange. I live a long way from my DC but I always nearly always travel to them so grandchildren don't have to travel. If they come to me, I expect to cook for everyone.

They sound very self centred and are not considering what is best for you or your children. They still think their home is your 'proper' home so do not expect to put themselves out when you visit.

It would be a good idea to change this perception and show that your own home is your base now and is the natural place for you to celebrate Christmas. They are acting as if this is only their decision and not yours as well.

OP on my last visit to my DPs, they fed us the first night, then the next morning I went to the supermarket and bought food and cooked the rest of the meals for them, my DSIS who was also visiting, and my immediate family.

It didn't used to be like this but one visit my parents just didn't bother catering for us so I had to nip to the shop and now it's apparently become the norm. When they visit us we also do all the cooking there. They do usually take us out for lunch and offer to pay though during visits and will buy wine. They'll also play with the kids a little bit. So overall better than yours.

I don't mind too much (except for the cost of feeding 5 adults rather than two which we can ill afford) but I do think it's a bit weird.

YANBU. If is not necessarily because they are family. Imo any host should look after their visitors and that means cooking meals.
It sounds as if they are just ticking off their list that they have seen you but actually don't want to put any effort in.
My DPS don't have any social skills. I am 48 and have never been offered so much as a cup of tea let alone have my family invited to theirs for a meal!

Hi everyone thanks so much for all your responses and sorry it's taken me so long to give an update. I do think it's odd behaviour and it's not a one off but this time it really frustrated me because the journey was very tiring and a lot of effort for me while pregnant (plus I'm scared of driving long distances so I'm terrified the whole way).

I left last night in the end. When I told my mum I was leaving earlier than planned...coincidentally she immediately offered to cook dinner for the first time. While she was cooking she then said that she loved having us round and she hoped I enjoyed the trip and wasn't too tired. So I took the opportunity to let her know my feelings as some of you suggested (which is very difficult for me - us siblings have a running joke that the 'f' word banned in our family is 'feelings'...).

I told her that I felt we hadn't spent very much time together... and that I had come all the way to spend time with them not to do the same things I could do back home in more comfort. I didn't mention the cooking or general hosting as I knew things would kick off. My dad overheard and joined the conversation and luckily things didn't kick off because he thought I had made a valid point.

My mum's excuses were:

• she wanted me and DS to have quality time and didn't want to interrupt (to which I responded that I could have quality time with him in my house- I came to have quality time with DPs)

• she couldn't spend much time with me as I was always with DS (to which I replied that we could have all spent time together?!!)

• she did spend lots of time with me... My memory is really off... and that I should've come and got her from upstairs if I was annoyed she was in her room (I didn't bother with this one as it would just have become a case of he said she said but I did point out that she didn't join me on any of my walks or trips out with DS so that was time she could've spent with us lost)

• she cleared her calendar for me so she doesn't know why I'm saying she didn't spend enough time with us

• she doesn't know children's things in the area so I'm better placed to find stuff to do (to which I said we don't have to do children's stuff together ...I take DS to the shops, to restaurants, to museums...I would be happy doing whatever she wanted to do)

• I should've made an itinerary of what I wanted to do and should do that next time I visit (I said I'll try do that but again I'm not talking about doing anything special, just spending time together).

• I'm not a guest/ visitor so shouldn't act like one (to which my dad responded in my defence that he doesn't think I can be accused of acting like a guest)!

• she didn't want to suggest things to do because she knew I'd say no ... she brought up a time we visited when DS was a small baby that I refused to accompany her to a party since I was tired and BFing (I said well since she didn't suggest anything we'll never know whether I'd have said no but for the record I would-veloved to do stuff).

• I didn't invite her on my walks with DS (to which I said she didn't need an invite...I told her each time I was going and my DB came on a couple of walks without an invite so it was clear I wasn't going on an exclusive walk).

• as parents get older the responsibility shifts so the onus is on me to organise things and look after my parents since I'm the one with a small child and I shouldn't expect DM to look after him - she said when we were young she did things all by herself (I said I wasn't expecting babysitting just time together..I can look after my son fine thanks. I wanted to say that she didn't have her DPs around to help so she wasn't doing everything alone by choice but I bit my tongue)

As you can see she got very defensive but I tried to stay calm and I think I made my point. I think she was upset as as she raised the issue a couple more times last night with more excuses each time.

A couple of people mentioned whether my DM has depression and I wonder the same now as she just didn't want to accept what I was saying. She seems to live her life through social media and I do think eventually wants to make money from it. I think DM has been lost ever since we all flew the nest and has found it difficult to let go and know what to do with her life now. For this reason I'm going to cut her some slack and accept that's the way she is. If she changes, great, if she doesn't, she's still my mum and I love her and know she loves me even if her way of showing it these days is strange.

I'll still visit but not without DH anymore... which means we'll probably only visit twice a year now.

To those suggesting I should change Christmas plans this year, I don't think I can as we've already committed to spending Christmas with DPs. I wouldn't want to go back on my word. I'm looking forward to starting our own traditions next year (but not to the drama)... hopefully in time my DPs will come around and accept an invitation to spend christmas with us.

Wow that was a long update! Sorry guys!

Good for you ID! Glad you got some of that off your chest. She does sound defensive and her answers were poor. Really glad you said what you needed to say. Your plan is good.

It's good that you aired all your thoughts, well done. Hope you get a great sleep tonight so you're well rested from the journey.

You say she's been a bit lost and that she was suggesting effectively that you didn't want her for stuff, maybe she could change a little if she knows what you need. Your DM asked for you to plan, could you write up a plan for Christmas, for things you'd like to do with her? Even if she doesn't manage all of it, at least it gives her pointers.

A very difficult conversation. It was the right thing to do. .

We visit family a lot (parents are gone now) and we are always looked after lavishly, rolling home several kg heavier! If they visit me I would do likewise, much fancier cooking than I would ever bother with for just us. It’s how you make people feel welcome. I always offer help, and do whatever jobs are obviously waiting to be done like unloading the dishwasher or laying the table. But if my sisters didn’t feed us I would know they did not want us there!

They sound very mean and your mum sounds like she has an eating disorder.

Doesnt sound like they actually spend any time together ever or enjoy each others company. Or enjoy food.

She really dragged you round and round in contradictory circles, didn't she.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_blackmail
You might be interested in this.

I'm glad that you managed to air your feelings, even if you didn't include the cooking. I'm also glad that your Dad seemed to stick up for you a little bit.

Sounds like your mum is very self-centred - as in she only considers her own feelings and actions as they affect her and never thinks about how anyone else would feel (but I might be projecting because my Mum was like that too and all of those excuses sounded SO familiar!) - you're never going to change her, so you're doing the only thing left to you which is to change how you react to her.

I think it's probably a good idea that you only visit with your DH from now on, so you have some support - she's clearly not going to take any responsibility for the situation, only throw it all back onto you, so it's better that way.

Well done!

I've been lurking on this as we've spent a few days at MIL and she is similar. A few things I've learned over the years:

• I now do a supermarket order to arrive a few hours before we do. That way, I know there will at least be food in for the DC and if, for example, I'm doing them pasta for tea I can "accidentally" do too much and scoff a bowl of it myself
• the supermarket order tends to include cold meats, cheeses, salad stuff too as then as many as want to eat can have that in the evenings. From about 4ish, I might mention the pate/quiche/smoked salmon I'm looking forward to that evening, mention it again at 7ish and then at 7.30 ask who is going to come & help me get supper together. That usually rouses MIL into action and BIL on occasion too so at least I'm not cooking (well, assembling) by myself

• I do research days out and local activities. MIL lives 4 hours away but I have a friend with relatives in the area and a neighbour with grandchildren not that far away so tap them - and MN - for ideas. I don't tend to ask MIL is she is coming, just book, pay, tell her & listen to her moan about how busy it will be, how there will be no where to park etc. She always comes along though.
• I do take the DC out for at least an hour each day by themselves so that MIL gets a bit of time home alone and a break. This might involve a trip to the supermarket to pick up extra supplies or a trip to the park.
• I do take myself off for half an hour or so, sometimes for a run, sometimes just to read a book. Having asked MIL in advance if this is OK, I then make sure she and then DC have agreed some games to play or something for whilst I'm gone.

I do worry that she sees me as too domineering but, after a few visits where we just sat around all day not doing anything and starving, I decided to take the initiative. I do always ask her a few weeks before we go & stay if she has any plans or if there is anything she's thought of doing but the answer is always no.

This is all a complete contrast to my parents & aunts all of whom are feeders and pretty much snatch my DC off me as soon as we arrive as they have various plans for them.

I hate it when u visit family and then they don't want to do anything or even sit and chat.its so awkward.my parents are the opposite of this with the food thing, neither of them would want me cooking in their kitchen but I cook for them when they visit me.i think it's a bit rude to cook for yourself and not even ask others if they want any

Well done OP. You made your point without a big argument. Hopefully they will think about things before Christmas. If things don’t change then you can make your own plans next year. Go girl!

I think the last time my mother did anything for me was when she gave birth to me! Still, it made me independent and resilient and I still love her. I would never depend on her, however, and when she was in the throes of alcoholism I would never bow to her unreasonable whims. I certainly would not have made long visits like the OP.

My advice is stick to short visits with your DH and children.It is awkward with a four hour journey but a weekend of self catering in a semi hostile house is all the duty you need to pay when you are given so little love and attention in return. Spend Christmases at home and Skype.

Your DM will not change. It’s too late but it is not too late for you to rearrange relations with your DP to those which suit you and your own family better.

My in laws sound like your parents in a way. They lived 10 minutes away but we always visited them. Even after our son arrived, they visited twice in 6 months, all other visits were at their place. They did make drinks and supply biscuits. Very occasionally, we’d be invited for a meal but in more than 10 years I could probably could probably count on one hand.
In contrast, my parents lived over 2 hours away. They visited regularly, my mum spending a week with us after our son was born purely to cook and clean so I didn’t have to after my dh ‘s pat leave ended. Whenever we visited, we’d get a drink from the off and then fed. I could cook if I wanted to but it was always provided. Now my son is a little older, they will take him overnight and make a point of buying in food they know he likes. They have toys at their house for him and will get down and play with him with no complaints. (My dm is almost 70 and my df is 66).
Regarding Xmas, we have said that we will be staying home but that they’re welcome to join us. I suspect my dsis will be hosting for them, however, as my bil was a chef so isn’t great eating other people’s food (too much time in a pro kitchen knowing the things that happen!).
I’d say the advice you’ve had about starting your own traditions is the way forward. Your family is who you live with and are what is important. Your extended family is a nice to have but not as important.

I have read everything so I know you’ve spoken to your mother and left, but I wanted to just say I think it’s sad - when I was pregnant my mother was running around doing everything for me! I can’t imagine her leaving me to struggle like that, especially with a child. She is in her fifties, she is not old and she is fit and has spare time - I see no excuse for her behaviour.