or should my DPs cook and host properly when I visit

[ID81241]

I live a 4 hour drive from my DPs (5-6 hours when you factor in stops for DS). DPs always say they like to see DS in their own home, rather than always visiting us, which is fair as we live so close to DHs parents. DH travels a lot with work so I tend to visit DPs during weeks when he's travelling, such as this one. I've been here a few days and so far I've cooked all the meals for myself, DS, DF, and DB (who lives nearby so stops by to visit). My DM cooks meals for just herself and doesn't eat what I cook. The other day, I took DS out to tire him out in the evening, when I got back from the walk my DM was eating dinner. I went to the kitchen to serve some for me and DS, but discovered that she had only cooked for herself. So I had to russle up something for myself, DF and DS... which meant DS's bedtime routine got pushed back.

I don't know if I'm being ungrateful... but it's tiring to travel all the way particularly when 6 months pregnant. I'm not getting any help with childcare, and I'm not being hosted in any way. My DM spends about 2 hours max a day in our company while DF is at work- so I'm not sure what the point in visiting even is. What's worse is that if I'd stayed at home, at least I'd have childcare (nursery) in place to get a break and relax. Please let me know if I'm being unreasonable and spoilt to expect to be able to put my feet up for a couple of meals, or if I should say something.

Seems very odd,but families are! When kids were small and we visited his dp's I always took meals with me or arranged to eat out because no food was ever forthcoming despite many hours drive, not even milk for them to drink - at best she would reluctantly say she might have a frozen pizza in the spare freezer (it was always full of food).

Do they ever do anything together ?
It sounds like they're living parallel lives and you and DS are in the void in the middle.

To be honest I would tell your mum how you feel and then I would reduce the visits and take care of yourself. Your mum wants to see your son but is doing nothing to help you and it sounds like you are expected to cook for your father and even your brother when he pops by.

I'd just say no, I won't.

"she won't always join us to eat and instead nibbles throughout the day. So I wouldn't say she expects to be fed when she visits, but she always has the option to join our meals."

It sounds like your mum has some weird issues around food. I wouldn't really want to deal with all that (and I speak as someone whose late mother had food issues too - guess what, I have them too. But try and eat normally around the kids.)

"I'm worried if I stop visiting then DS will never see DF since he only visits us once or twice a year."

If your father isn't interested in investing in a relationship with his grandchildren then I am not sure I'd be so worried. Missing out on seeing someone who is not that interested in you doesn't seem a big deal to me.

"If I ask my mum to look after DS while I shower or use the toilet she will, and we do have a close relationship... but she'll never offer anything these days. Which I find odd because she was so helpful when DS was a small baby (he's a toddler now). She spends most of her time upstairs on social media ... which I've pointed out to her but she doesn't see she has a problem as she's trying to develop a following so I think she sees it as "work".

Neither of them have offered to take DS out anywhere or do anything with us."

I'm afraid it really sounds like they are not that interested, which to me is fine, their loss. I'd just do as you please now, they have effectively given you permission to disengage a bit. You can keep close ties with your mum over social media. But I would definitely tell her how you feel so at least she knows.

Sorry OP, that sounds boastful, I was trying to highlight that I don't think your unreasonable with your expectation of wanting to be catered for at least for one meal, especially as you're pregnant. I was pregnant withy first when my Mum was 59 and she was very fussy about what I should and shouldn't be doing. My Mum Nd Dad are divorced so it's a different experience when I visit him. I know where you're coming from as he would have nothing in for the children, I have to cook, even on my birthday I was cleaning his house as it was so dusty. His a work acoholic and there's documents and paperwork everywhere. He loves seeing them but I think he thinks it's enough to impart his knowledge about everything on to them, mini history lessons etc. He doesn't really like spending the money on eating out and I have to organise stuff to do or the children get very bored quickly. We want to the Hornimens museum last time we were there as it's near to him and he offered the children a piece of cake and drink from the cafe but gave me cash of £4 to pay whilst he sat down, that barely covered his coffee to obviously the treats are on us (again). We eat dinner out now and just pay as we can't be bothered. Unfortunately, we always end up spending circa £120 every visit as it includes petrol, shopping, meal out which prohibits visiting quite a bit. I was encouraging him to move closer to me because we wouldn't have to fuss about dinner all the time but when he moved recently he stayed on London.

Sorry, that should read Horniman not what I wrote.

MaisyPops "I dont think you 'host' family as you would a guest. We all muck in for mealtimes and doing the pots after etc."

I don't necessarily. When I visited my mum, when she was alive, or my in-laws now, they cook. They choose the food and shop for it and prepare it. I and the kids help to clear the table and either DH or I help to wash up. But we are their guests. And when they come to us they are our guests. Of course people can do things differently, but I think what we do is that unusual.

I think it's reasonable for you to feel pissed off and I think you should address it with your DM. Maybe write down what you want to say to get it right first. E.g. "We've come to see you for the week, but you've only spent an hour each day with DS. I'm pregnant and tired, I would like help from you while I'm here and not sharing meals feels strange to me."

Your comment about Christmas sounds like she's always like this though. Nobody in my family is, so I'm not a great person to advise. Could you call a sister and ask them for advice in how to sort this out with your DM? It sounds like things are better with DF in that he eats with you, but chat with him about time with DS too if necessary.

OP You are definitely not being unreasonable.

I echo the person who said about an eating disorder for your mum.

"Whenever we try and question any conventions or traditions, they always say it's not respectful and talk about everything they've done for us and how wanting to spend christmas at home/ not visiting often enough shows that we're the kind of kids that will put the in a home."

Please, please do not make any promises about where they will spend their dotage. Whether they go into a home or not will be their choice but please do not make any promises about where they will live in relation to you. My mum developed dementia and went into a home. There is no way I or my sister could have cared for her at our home.

I'm in my fifties and there is no way I want my kids to look after me! I will look after myself until I cannot and then I will go into a home. I would consider a granny flat if my kids wanted me there! I don't expect children to look after aging parents. Most people can care for themselves with help, IMHO, but if the problem is dementia then I think they really do need full on care, I know my mum did. I see that kind of 'you'll put me in a home' talk as manipulative.

Absolutely have a Christmas celebrating at home, do that, stay at home. We visit family who are hard up and we contribute to Christmas, in fact we split costs because we just want to see them, I help cook too. But that is Christmas and it is special day. For various reasons they cannot visit us and so we have to go to them but in your situation I am not sure why you have to always do it your mum or dad's way.

I think I would invite people to yours if you want to, or simply say that due to pregnancy you are having a quiet Christmas at home.

Ore visit for a short time.

Do as you want, and look after yourself especially during your pregnancy.

I've cooked and eaten lunch now (only for me and DS this time given all your advice)... My dad's working in his study, my mum's upstairs in her room on social media. I had to put on the TV so i could cook and leave DS unsupervised in the living room... neither my mum or dad came to look after him/ make sure he's ok even though they knew i was cooking. He found a pot of moisturiser which he's used to destroy the sofas. I'll pretend l haven't noticed... normally I'd clean it up but might send a message when they notice.

Mum's just posted an Instagram story of a throwback of a time she looked after DS when he was a baby with #grandson #grandparenting. I wish she'd actually do some #grandparenting rather than post about it

I'll take DS out now and leave tonight after I get back I think... was planning on staying until tomorrow but won't bother.

I thought parents go overboard and kill the fatted calf on the return of their prodigal son/daughters and especially if they return with grand children in tow 😂

Sounds a bit odd and a bit pointless. Be nicer being in your own home rather than doing all the traveling and not even really seeing them much.

Very peculiar, but I know of a family where everyone seems to eat at different times and even the teens just make themselves something.

We eat together and even where someone is having something different, I try to do it so we have at least part if the meal the same!!

For context I'm your parents age, oldest Ds and his partner have come over today (live nearly 2 hours away) Off went the TV and the computer, and we talked and laughed, and then Dh started making lunch (I finished making it) Then I got out pie I made yesterday for the occasion. Then second Ds turned up, (he's 10 minutes away) lots os socializing, Ds2 went home, Ds1 and Dil went outside to chat with his Dad who doing something with Dil's car. If there was a child involved it'd be the best day ever, I could play with them. Dd emerged from her pit of a room to be with us all too.

@Troels I'd love that and that's what it's like with the in laws. I probably wouldn't care about the cooking if my DPs spent quality time with us. In my view the social media will always be there and my dad will always have his mountain of work, but my DS won't always have just turned 2. At least I'm learning what not to do in the future if I ever have grandchildren.

Crazy behaviour- they have all the rest of the time when you aren't there to pander to their hobbies and diets. They should be devoting the days to DS when he is there.

My DM is like this too. She doesn't really eat meals (unless someone prepares it for her) just grazes on stuff when she fancies it.

I was always jealous of Mums who helped out with housework and cooking, or who had meals on the table for their kids. When I was a kid I was fed by my older siblings (haphazardly) or fed myself. it just doesn't occur to DM to make meals.

She has other good qualities but I know I have to do all the cooking if I visit.

My mother is extremely frail and I habe to physically restrain her from running after us when we visit...

@Jezebelz sounds the same lol maybe I'll have to manage my expectations better. Sucks that it was like that for you as a child...I think I'm struggling to adjust because my mum wasn't always like this and used to do everything for us...even sending me to uni with cooked frozen meals each term because she was worried I wouldn't eat well. Someone suggested earlier in the thread that she might be putting her foot down to not be a doormat but she's just gone so extreme it really is a shock to my system

OP it sounds crazy. I can't believe they're in their 50s. I thought you were going to say late 70s. Please find a therapist to talk this through with. Your parents are absolutely shit.

I'm confused about next Christmas. Were you going to have it in your own home and invite your parents and they told you that you can't invite your siblings to your own home??

ID81241 it could well be a protest! I guess if you've spent years and years looking after your kids it can be liberating to leave them to fend for themselves.

My DM will help if I give her a job with clear instructions ie 'please can you put these baked potatoes in the oven at 5pm so they will be ready for us all to eat later'

Worth a try?!

@Ginger1982 yes exactly. Apparently my parents home is still the "family " home even if I no longer see it that way, so inviting my siblings would be competing with my DPs and very wrong/ disrespectful. I asked how I'm meant to fit into the matriarch/adult role if I'm never allowed and DPs always have that role... and they didn't have an answer they just said Christmas if for spending time with parents and family in your parents' home. Except this Christmas we're not even in our parent's home, instead renting out somewhere nearby since there's not enough room for everyone

They don't sound interested at all, Op.

Not sure about they've done their bit & respecting elders.

Generally you host visitors in your house don't you?

Obviously there can be mucking in when it's family, but if Op does all the catering when they visit her, you'd kind of expect the same in return.

I mean there's putting your foot down & there's cutting off your nose to spite your face!

In general, I think family visits should alternate. There are exceptions of course for the ill.

It doesn’t sound like cooking proper meals is part of your parents routine. Your father heats something up from the freezer and your mom makes herself a little something. This is what it is like at our house because my spouse is such a picky eater, I refuse to cook for him on a regular basis and I don’t want to be constrained to eating what he would cook. So most days I do a takeaway or make something very quick. We try to make at least a couple of proper meals when we have houseguests, but it would be a massive routine change to cook dinner every night.

She sounds bizarre, does she have an eating disorder or particular diet she has to follow?
To be honest I’d just make dinner for you and little one and if anyone comments just say you thought that’s how they did things. Mind you I don’t get along with any of my family due to being unable to bite my tongue when needed so feel free to ignore me

I would talk to your siblings without your parents. They may be ready to change things up too.

Also, if you go to your parents every year, what about your partner’s family.