or should my DPs cook and host properly when I visit

[ID81241]

I live a 4 hour drive from my DPs (5-6 hours when you factor in stops for DS). DPs always say they like to see DS in their own home, rather than always visiting us, which is fair as we live so close to DHs parents. DH travels a lot with work so I tend to visit DPs during weeks when he's travelling, such as this one. I've been here a few days and so far I've cooked all the meals for myself, DS, DF, and DB (who lives nearby so stops by to visit). My DM cooks meals for just herself and doesn't eat what I cook. The other day, I took DS out to tire him out in the evening, when I got back from the walk my DM was eating dinner. I went to the kitchen to serve some for me and DS, but discovered that she had only cooked for herself. So I had to russle up something for myself, DF and DS... which meant DS's bedtime routine got pushed back.

I don't know if I'm being ungrateful... but it's tiring to travel all the way particularly when 6 months pregnant. I'm not getting any help with childcare, and I'm not being hosted in any way. My DM spends about 2 hours max a day in our company while DF is at work- so I'm not sure what the point in visiting even is. What's worse is that if I'd stayed at home, at least I'd have childcare (nursery) in place to get a break and relax. Please let me know if I'm being unreasonable and spoilt to expect to be able to put my feet up for a couple of meals, or if I should say something.

They sound totally dysfunctional. Your mum clearly has some art of eating disorder. Overall it sounds very unpleasant and I’d limit visits to a couple of times a year.

Well done for getting it off your chest as it needed to be done!
Your parents can either think about what's been said and act upon it, or your visits will just get less and less.
At least most of it is all in the open now.

It does sound as tho your mum has become depressed or at least very self absorbed. May be she feels its her time in life to do what she wants. Which is fine but it's very excluding the consequence of not treating people very well is that they don't want to spend time with you. You could bring it up with her but it's not necessarily your place to fix your mums problems. I think it's a cue for you to step up and become the parent and provide a functional family environment for your son. If that means limiting visits to your parents - so be it. Sounds like the in-laws will provide a much nicer environment whilst your children are young. It's not normal to be ignored and overlooked when visiting family. You clearly find it upsetting and you don't want your kids to feel that's normal or right. Let them come and visit you and the two hours in a day they would lavish attention on the kids can be the two hours they visit for.

I do not understand this situation. I feel really sorry for you. My DPs live miles away and it’s also a long journey to visit. However from the minute I arrive to the minute I leave I’m spoilt and so is DS and DH Of he’s there. Come and stay with me instead!

Wow this sounds so similar to my Mum, really similar even down to the Mum on social media and dad wouldn’t visit my home. It’s as if they just want you in the house but also want to carry on doing their own thing. I also had to go to the supermarket and provide my own food when I visited - i’m more than welcome to eat their food but there was never anything in. I don’t visit anymore and they rarely visit me (it would interfere too much with their lives). I felt that I was bored in someone else’s house kind of waiting around for them to make an appearance. When I raised it, I was told that they wanted me to feel at home - but it wasn’t my home.

Strangely my sibling and parents think that we are a close family as we jest with each other but I don’t. I certainly wouldn’t chat about any kind of feelings/problems. It’s all very superficial in a similar way that your husband expressed.

So many similarities to how you have explained it!

I can relate and stopped visiting my DP without my DH too. This change also coensided with DC2.

It was simply that I couldn't cope without some form of respite but got better when my DC aged a bit.

Next time ...

" Will you come and visit soon?"

"No, last time you treated us like shXt"

that sort of hint might help?

Well done for how u addressed it OP. U kept a good balance of being forthright & compassionate. Sad, it seemed quite lonely & a lot of effort for you, especially pregnant with a young child. From the situation & her response, it like your DM is lacking social skills & felt somehow inadequate to join in with you & your son. Continue to be forthright & ask her to plan things with you and say how much you want her to join you on a walk. It seemed communication up until that last conversation you had was missing, eg: “come on, let’s go out & get some fresh air, drag yourself away from the computer, so we can spend some time together! I really want you to come on this walk with us”.
Regarding the food, it seems like you weren’t expected to cook for anyone, everyone is expected to cater for themselves. If it wasn’t enjoyable for you to do it (which is how it seems from your posts), you made unnecessary extra work for yourself versus sorting out food for you & your son.
When we visit my parents it’s a mix, mostly them leading on family meals & us helping prepare, make dishes, set & clear table etc. Plus some take-away, eating out & each doing our own thing too. My brother would also cook a meal for us if we were visiting, rather than the other way around.
Going next time with DP makes sense, however within your communication & actions you can have a more enjoyable and less stressful experience even if he’s not with you. If you’re going with an expectation of being cooked for while DP is away however, that’s unrealistic. Plan a short trip in between & take charge of the itinerary.

You can't fix it for her. From next Christmas onwards, have your own Christmas at home. It's the only way.
Your DM can't see that you are separate to her. She thinks she is 'the family'. She is the 'mother' and you all are still the kids. Nothing you can do will change that for her except by having your own Christmas at home in your own house.
She's consumed with her own feelings and lacks self-awareness because of that. Rather than being present and taking part in her life which she can't control -she creates a fantasy life she can control and that fixes her bad feelings about herself - by strictly controlling her food and eating the 'right' food. Controlling her self-image through social media.
(1) Being a fabulous grandparent on social media posting pics and loveheart emojiis sitting alone in an upstairs room, while (2) the nuts and bolts of being a hands-on useful granny goes undone downstairs.
Difference is that (1) comes with full control of feelings (2) involves a possibility of rejection and feelings of separation.
The price of (1) however is a loss of Connection with those important to her. If you block out pain, you block out love as well because they use the same channels in the body.
Also she's passively 'huffing' and 'acting out' her anger at the world by ignoring and dismissing you and effectively - giving you the silent treatment. Your DF knows the score, but he's afraid of 'upsetting' her so goes along with it.

Sounds to me like the parents want it all their own way with no effort on their part!

Why should Christmas be at theirs when they don't even cook? Because its easier for them. Its all about them. Why should they bother going to see their grandson when he can be seen at their own convenience in their own home?

And I think the hosting thing is because they don't see you as real 'visitors' like they would someone less close to them, they just figure you'll sort yourself out like you did when you lived with them.

Be blunt about it! Sorry we're not coming to yours for Christmas because we cook anyway and its easier to do that from home.

Mum it takes us 5-6 hours to get to you so the least you can do is accompany us out on some trips and do some of the cooking whilst we're there.