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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or should my DPs cook and host properly when I visit

160 replies

ID81241 · 27/10/2018 09:39

I live a 4 hour drive from my DPs (5-6 hours when you factor in stops for DS). DPs always say they like to see DS in their own home, rather than always visiting us, which is fair as we live so close to DHs parents. DH travels a lot with work so I tend to visit DPs during weeks when he's travelling, such as this one. I've been here a few days and so far I've cooked all the meals for myself, DS, DF, and DB (who lives nearby so stops by to visit). My DM cooks meals for just herself and doesn't eat what I cook. The other day, I took DS out to tire him out in the evening, when I got back from the walk my DM was eating dinner. I went to the kitchen to serve some for me and DS, but discovered that she had only cooked for herself. So I had to russle up something for myself, DF and DS... which meant DS's bedtime routine got pushed back.

I don't know if I'm being ungrateful... but it's tiring to travel all the way particularly when 6 months pregnant. I'm not getting any help with childcare, and I'm not being hosted in any way. My DM spends about 2 hours max a day in our company while DF is at work- so I'm not sure what the point in visiting even is. What's worse is that if I'd stayed at home, at least I'd have childcare (nursery) in place to get a break and relax. Please let me know if I'm being unreasonable and spoilt to expect to be able to put my feet up for a couple of meals, or if I should say something.

OP posts:
Original poster
ID81241 · 27/10/2018 14:53

@Jezebelz I'll definitely try next time we visit (at Christmas- I'm not going to make an effort before then anymore)... I'm probably part of the problem seeing as I'm so disorganised lol. So I can't give my mum as much advance notice of my plans to go to the park/ for a walk as she'd like.

OP posts:
millymae · 27/10/2018 14:54

I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all OP - your parents behaviour is not normal.
I know they are your mum and dad and you presumably love them but in your shoes, and especially now that you are 6 months pregnant with another child I would be telling them that I wouldn’t be visiting for awhile, and the reasons why. From what you’ve told us they are not physically frail and it’s hard not to think that there’s any other reason than selfishness on their parts for their unwillingness to alter their routines when you visit. If you lived locally and could pop in at any time their behaviour wouldn’t be quite so difficult to accept or work around, but as it is you and your son have got the long drive to them with no prospect of any rest or quality time with them when you get there before the long drive home.
I don’t think it would be unreasonable for you ( and your siblings) not to be quite so accepting of their behaviour.

Original poster
ID81241 · 27/10/2018 14:58

@Purpleartichoke we visit DHs family on boxing day or after (which is tiring). I think they'd like to spend time with us on Christmas but they don't make a fuss. The way I've justified spending every Christmas with my family is that they don't live close (unlike the in laws) so don't see us as often, plus they make a bigger deal of xmas. But I don't think it's fair which is why I want to start staying at home for Christmas from next year and inviting the in laws and my family (though my DPs have refused the invitation).

OP posts:
Schoolchoicesucks · 27/10/2018 15:17

That does sound disappointing, OP. I guess they're quite set in their routines and don't see you and your ds visiting as a good enough reason to change those routines.
If you have (or had) a good relationship, could you talk to them? Explain that you find it tiring after the journey to be doing the catering and entertaining your ds single-handed. That you're disappointed they don't spend more time engaging with your ds. And decide how frequently you want to visit them in future.

TheWiseWomansFear · 27/10/2018 17:18

I think it's very strange that they don't at least cook the evening meal for you... and what does DF do when you're not around? Why does DM only cook for herself, is she fussy?

TheWiseWomansFear · 27/10/2018 17:20

Even if she does consider it your home rather than you being a guest, typically the parent cooks dinner for the family.

TheWiseWomansFear · 27/10/2018 17:22

And yes they do have really horrible manners

twinklesandstrawberries · 27/10/2018 18:19

I can relate. My parents ask me to visit with the children, and then want me to buy the food and cook for everyone, and then even comment on improvements that could be made next time! I feel like I have to owe them for staying there.

I love my parents, but it does irritate me.

TheWiseWomansFear · 27/10/2018 19:52

I also think you should say something to her tonight btw

Maelstrop · 27/10/2018 20:07

What did your parents do for Christmas when you were young? Because if they spent it at home and didn’t visit their parents then they’re being very weird.

Bluetrews25 · 27/10/2018 20:45

If Christmas is to be spent in the parents' home, then do it! Have it at yours as you are the parents now and they are the GPs.
You have plenty of time to sort it for this year, ask your siblings along. If the GPs take offence, tough, they have had their turn and shown you how disinterested they are. Refusing to come to you is just cutting off their noses to spite their faces. And they will miss their photo opportunities - gasp! - wait for that to sink in.

AnnaMagnani · 27/10/2018 22:18

You are a parent now, soon to be a parent of 2! So unless when you were a child, Christmas was spent at grandparents somehow I doubt it now is the time that Christmas starts being spent at your house.

Soon enough your siblings will also be parents and wanting to do the same or alternate with their ILs on Christmas, so the whole set up is about to come to a natural end anyway.

LittleHootie · 27/10/2018 22:33

My parents are the same. It pisses me off. They both make their own meals (separately), then eventually it's my turn to use the kitchen. There's not even any coordination e.g. "I'm baking a potato, anyone else want one, or want to chuck something in the oven etc"

It's like a house share.

Total opposite of when I have guests. Also I offer cups of tea if I'm making one, it never gets offered back.

1099 · 28/10/2018 08:48

Havaina
I think you misunderstood the question, I genuinely meant 'who' would have cooked for him, I.e. would he have done it, would OPs Mum have done it, would he have just gone without. You are assuming I was implying OP has a responsibility to do it. I wasn't.

olympicsrock · 28/10/2018 09:37

There is plenty of time for you to change your plans for this Christmas. Tell them you are staying at home, you will be so much less tired, can see in laws. Your parents will do nothing to help and you will be exhausted and down hearted. If they ask why you should tell them . If will kick off but your actions will speak louder than words and may persuade them to change. They can avoid the cost of renting as well!

BlueJava · 28/10/2018 09:43

I find the way they organise meals very strange! I would be taking myself and DS out for a few meals by ourselves just so I didn't feel I had to do everything all the time. I don't think I'd mention it though - just be mind of it next time and not go for so long/invite them to yours.

rainbowstardrops · 28/10/2018 10:58

Did you leave last night @ID81241? How did it go?

JustDanceAddict · 28/10/2018 11:02

Odd. I hope when dcs visit when they’re older w their families or alone I would certainly make the meals. Isn’t that the deal when you go back to your parebts’? Obv you help, etc but MIL has always ‘hosted’ and my own late mum also did!

Gottensomedraws · 28/10/2018 17:10

Hi OP hope you have managed to get Home ok. I may have missed it in your posts but does your DM suffer from any anxiety or depression? I just wondered if she was trying to cope with that? Is she a Blogger? You have mentioned social media is a big part of her life?’ Building up a following ‘ in sm is usually only people who are trying to develop some type of career from it? It seems unusual for her to be on social media talking about her DGC when she is not interacting with them at all?
Regarding the Christmas thing, you and your siblings are FAMILY so do what you want, invite who you want and enjoy x

ginghamstarfish · 28/10/2018 17:26

Yes absolutely you should be provided with meals after such a long journey, seemingly at their specific request. I would really cut back the visits if I were you, or say you can't manage the drive any more and they will have to visit you. If you do visit, be sure to take DS for a nice meal out along the way, then when you arrive you've already eaten. I would not be driving all that way and then cooking for them all, family or not.

celticprincess · 28/10/2018 17:36

All very weird. I live near my mum and pop in often with the children. She’s a feeder and some days I have to refuse her hospitality. If we stay for any reason she cooks and often invites me round for lunch/tea with the children. My sister loves further away so doesn’t visit as often but when she does my mum will do most of the cooking unless my sister offers. Mum gets worked up if she doesn’t know what time they’re coming home and if she needs to eat or wait for them.

Ex parent in laws were mostly similar but did things a bit differently. I’d always eaten a main Sunday lunch around 1pm. At theirs we’d get up and ex fil would do bacon sarnies for everyone. Then there’s be nothing too the Sunday dinner at 4-5pm. I’m a grader and not a big eater so I don learned to take snacks as if have less bacon sarnies than everyone else but would need something in between. As far as this kids go though she’s permanently giving them crisps and chocolate and biscuits. When we’ve been there on other days to Sunday’s she’s usually cooked or would definitely ask what we would like or if we had other plans. Sometimes they’d take us out to eat.

perfectstorm · 28/10/2018 17:46

I think they want Xmas at their place because they're lazy, frankly. You and your sister do all the work and everyone comes to them. And it's not fair on your IL never to see the kids at Christmas, or their son.

Just tell your parents that you married into another family and you'd love to unite both, next year. All are invited and welcome at your house and you'd love to see them. Ignore any drama, because pandering to them as you are doing isn't working, is it? Imagine how lovely it'll be to plan a lovely big family one in your own home. And if they start the, "Christmas is to spend in your parents' home" point out that none of their grandchildren are getting that opportunity, so how about they offer them the chance?

Christmas traditions are wonderful. Everyone should have a chance to create some.

BewareOfDragons · 28/10/2018 17:49

Honestly?

I wouldn't visit them any more.

If I'm going to be doing all the cooking, watching, chasing, entertaining ... and they're not even going to join you 90% of the time, I would do those things in the comfort of my own home where I have people I can actually call on for back up, do things with, etc.

They can visit you and make the effort for a while.

Port1ajazz · 28/10/2018 17:59

I'm afraid I'm One of those rare breeds that doesn't think that blood is always thicker than water ! From what you say she doesn't put herself out at all .I want to know why she wants you to visit ? Personally I just would bother to go !

Jux · 28/10/2018 18:01

It's not too late to stay at home for this Xmas. Have a lovely one at home, visit the ILs, have a lovely cosy time.

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