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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

or should my DPs cook and host properly when I visit

160 replies

ID81241 · 27/10/2018 09:39

I live a 4 hour drive from my DPs (5-6 hours when you factor in stops for DS). DPs always say they like to see DS in their own home, rather than always visiting us, which is fair as we live so close to DHs parents. DH travels a lot with work so I tend to visit DPs during weeks when he's travelling, such as this one. I've been here a few days and so far I've cooked all the meals for myself, DS, DF, and DB (who lives nearby so stops by to visit). My DM cooks meals for just herself and doesn't eat what I cook. The other day, I took DS out to tire him out in the evening, when I got back from the walk my DM was eating dinner. I went to the kitchen to serve some for me and DS, but discovered that she had only cooked for herself. So I had to russle up something for myself, DF and DS... which meant DS's bedtime routine got pushed back.

I don't know if I'm being ungrateful... but it's tiring to travel all the way particularly when 6 months pregnant. I'm not getting any help with childcare, and I'm not being hosted in any way. My DM spends about 2 hours max a day in our company while DF is at work- so I'm not sure what the point in visiting even is. What's worse is that if I'd stayed at home, at least I'd have childcare (nursery) in place to get a break and relax. Please let me know if I'm being unreasonable and spoilt to expect to be able to put my feet up for a couple of meals, or if I should say something.

OP posts:

Original poster

ID81241 · 27/10/2018 10:21

E.g this morning I've been downstairs with DS since 8am but they're still upstairs in their room doing their own thing.

OP posts:

grumiosmum · 27/10/2018 10:22

The most extraordinary thing I've read. Very bad manners.

Surely as your parents are hosting you, they should cook at least one main meal a day for you all - with you all helping prepare and clear up, of course.

And you would obviously do the same when they come to visit you.

Weird.

Nanny0gg · 27/10/2018 10:22

I really wouldn't bother.

And how do they 'stop' you inviting your siblings for Christmas? You're all adults. Discuss what you want to do and tell them what's happening.

Juells · 27/10/2018 10:22

I think you've been trained up from childhood to think that anything is good enough for you. You're an adult now, so just enjoy your own family and stop pandering to your selfish dysfunctional parents. You sound like a lovely dutiful daughter who's being taken advantage of.

CherryPavlova · 27/10/2018 10:24

That’s really odd. I don’t know anyone who would behave thus.
I have two young adult children arriving today with partners and despite us both working away all week we’ve the house nearly ready. Large online shop of all their favourites, fish courier delivery due shortly. Meals planned but with plenty of ‘help yourself’ food and drinks. My husband popped to Majestic yesterday on way home.

Eldest and boyfriend have GP exams on Wednesday so wanted not to have to shop/cook/clean/launder whilst revising. They’ll bring sacks of washing home with them.

It’s nice.

Aridane · 27/10/2018 10:24

Actually the 8am thing is fine!!

HollidayArmadillo · 27/10/2018 10:24

Oh just go home, sounds shit

Aridane · 27/10/2018 10:24

(But the other stuff is weird)

lottiegarbanzo · 27/10/2018 10:24

In the end, I think you'll just have to be blunt. 'Well DSis and I do all the cooking and hosting at your house anyway and actually it's much easier for us to do that in our own home. You're very welcome to join us'.

diddl · 27/10/2018 10:25

What a strange set up!

Why hadn't your dad cooked anything for everyone?

lottiegarbanzo · 27/10/2018 10:26

In the meantime, if your dad has a stock of frozen and ready meals, raid them!

DarlingNikita · 27/10/2018 10:26

I do agree with those saying that sometimes with close family, and/or if you stay for longer than a couple of days, it's OK to view it as you just 'being around'/'coming home' for a bit and not to do the kind of hosting you might for an actual guest, IYSWIM. But I find it weird that they don't even take an afternoon or whatever to take your DS out.

Have you actually asked her about only cooking for herself? Is it because of her diet/different eating times? It's a bit odd. Surely if you have a house guest you'd at least say 'I'm making x for me; I'll make enough for you too but obviously make or get something else if you don't fancy it.'

Re Christmas, your parents can't 'stop' you from inviting your siblings . They sound really weird about the whole family and hosting thing, TBH.

AJPTaylor · 27/10/2018 10:28

I think the time is now to stop being nervous and address it with them. We went through similar with in laws but they were nearer.
You and your siblings are adults. Your dos may have hissy fits or be disappointed but what happens after that? We are programmed to make our parents happy. It's hard to go against them but you are being entirely reasonable.,
Invite them to yours. Firm up Xmas plans for next year with siblings and tell your parents they are welcome to come. You need to reset your relationship with them.
With dpil, they actually were happy to have Xmas day at home by themselves and catch up later in Xmas week.
Honestly it will not get easier as they get older so might as well do the hard bit now. The other bit that helped was realising that despite all the agonising I did, the difference I made was marginal

Babdoc · 27/10/2018 10:35

Your parents’ behaviour is distinctly odd, and very inhospitable.
But by remaining silent about it, you are allowing it to continue unchecked.
You need to have a calm discussion with them, explain why it’s not acceptable and lay out what changes would be required in order for you to ever visit them again.
And as PPs have said, they cannot control you and your siblings’ choice of Christmas venue. If you’d prefer to be in your own home, then that’s fine - do it.
I wonder if you are falling back into the dynamics of childhood when you go home on visits? Deferring to your parents’ ways because they are the “grown ups” and you are the subordinate child? Time to see yourself as the adult and parent that you now are, and take some control of the situation!

TellMeAboutRedditch · 27/10/2018 10:35

I wouldn't bother visiting anymore, what's the point really? It doesn't sound like you're getting anything meaningful out of visiting.

The polite thing to do when guests are visiting from afar is to properly host them, but if they're staying more than a few days then it's polite for the guests to offer to make some meals and help out with dishes ofc.

rainbowstardrops · 27/10/2018 10:36

It sounds very odd! I can't remember if you said how often you visit but I'd definitely be cutting the visits back because what's the point of that long drive if they're not even socialising with you while you're there - you may as well be at home with your home comforts around you!
Face time them or Skype instead

Juells · 27/10/2018 10:39

What I find weird is that you can't even have an argument about it, never mind a fight. I come from a fairly close family, but there'd be skin and hair flying if that happened when someone visited. You get what you accept. Stop accepting that you're the dogsbody.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/10/2018 10:42

I don't really understand why your mum will eat your cooked food when she comes to stay with you but won't eat your cooked food at her own home, and would sooner cook her own meal, but the won't cook for anyone else.

That's just weird.

If she didn't like your food, fair enough - but then she wouldn't eat it when she came to yours.

But I do think she's being very selfish to not even offer to cook for you while you stay there.

Whenever I take my boys to visit my widowed Dad (every year, for a few weeks) I do end up doing most of the cooking, and include him when he fancies it (not always) - he doesn't cook for us at all because he only really eats microwaved or tinned meals for one when he's on his own, which is fine for him but not what I want to eat. But he always helps out by washing up or something. And he's in his 80s as well, so I don't expect him to do too much for us!

However, I think that's a different scenario from the one you're describing - most odd.

Thehop · 27/10/2018 10:43

This is weird af

Pack up and go
Home, don’t even tell them! You can face time your mother for the few minutes she bothers with you or da a day.

AnnaMagnani · 27/10/2018 10:47

Really sorry to say this but from your description your family sound dysfunction and not that happily married. More two people who have worked out a longstanding way of living together.

When I go home, DH and I get practically smothered in food, even though my DM is quite disabled. If we go out, she be mortified if we paid.

When we go to MIL's, she hates cooking so we will always be encouraged to buy in microwave meals or go out to eat. Again, she will always pay.

Neither set expect us to go on Christmas Day - they know I'm usually working and we have our own family. But they love (specially my DM) to spoil us and spend time with us! To the point it is often embarrassing.

Yours just sound like they expect you to do the donkey work of travelling, cooking, entertaining just because your DM gave birth to you but with v little back from them.

Get your Christmas back.

Floralnomad · 27/10/2018 10:48

I wouldn’t bother visiting again , if your ds doesn’t have a relationship with them then that will be their loss not his . Pack up now and leave and tell them why you are leaving .

longwayoff · 27/10/2018 10:48

Why are u asking MN? Ask her what's for dinner and is she making enough for all or just for her. Ask in advance. Done.

Creepyexgirlfriend · 27/10/2018 10:56

What lottie said. All of it.

OP, my parents were like this (divorced four years ago), wanted me to visit (on public transport with small children, a 3 hour journey), but not really interested in doing anything with us. They would never offer to take children out anywhere or come with me. Now they live separately i don’t go to see them as they don’t have space and they come to me, which I don’t particularly enjoy, but hey ho. If I were you I’d cite pregnancy tiredness and being busy with small children and relax at home.

TwoBlueFish · 27/10/2018 10:59

What a strange setup, doesn’t seem much point in you actually being there. My DM would never dream of not providing food for all when we’re staying. However my MIL lived about an hour from us and we usually visited her, in nearly 20 years of visiting she never offered more than a cup of tea and a biscuit. We didn’t stay over though and she didn’t make herself food while we were there. She didn’t do cooking and lived off ready meals but it always felt off that she didn’t even offer the kids a sandwich if it was lunch time.

I would stop going so regularly. Is there somewhere half way that you could maybe meet for a day out instead?

Original poster

ID81241 · 27/10/2018 11:04

@longwayoff I did ask her to cook in advance on our way here because I got stuck in traffic so timings for DS dinner were off. She boiled vegetables and microwaved a packet of plain white rice and said help yourselves (of course she didn't eat any herself). I couldn't eat it myself so didn't want to make DS eat it, and had to make something else to go with the vegetables straight off the back of a 6 hour trip. So I don't bother asking now.

OP posts:

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