or should my DPs cook and host properly when I visit

[ID81241]

I live a 4 hour drive from my DPs (5-6 hours when you factor in stops for DS). DPs always say they like to see DS in their own home, rather than always visiting us, which is fair as we live so close to DHs parents. DH travels a lot with work so I tend to visit DPs during weeks when he's travelling, such as this one. I've been here a few days and so far I've cooked all the meals for myself, DS, DF, and DB (who lives nearby so stops by to visit). My DM cooks meals for just herself and doesn't eat what I cook. The other day, I took DS out to tire him out in the evening, when I got back from the walk my DM was eating dinner. I went to the kitchen to serve some for me and DS, but discovered that she had only cooked for herself. So I had to russle up something for myself, DF and DS... which meant DS's bedtime routine got pushed back.

I don't know if I'm being ungrateful... but it's tiring to travel all the way particularly when 6 months pregnant. I'm not getting any help with childcare, and I'm not being hosted in any way. My DM spends about 2 hours max a day in our company while DF is at work- so I'm not sure what the point in visiting even is. What's worse is that if I'd stayed at home, at least I'd have childcare (nursery) in place to get a break and relax. Please let me know if I'm being unreasonable and spoilt to expect to be able to put my feet up for a couple of meals, or if I should say something.

Oh dear, my apologies. Is she short of money? If not then clearly something going on that only you can find out. Eating disorder? Ocd about germs? Good luck anyway. Cut your visit short and have something nice to eat at home.

I always end up cooking when we visit my PIL which is 10 hour drive, my MIL tries to use the excuse of my dietary requirements but reality she can't cook unless it's beige oven food. My FIL is a good cook but she moans at him for making a mess (literally a pan) so he doesn't bother.

I do get fed up with it after a few days thankfully my parents arent too far away so we usually spend more days there and use the dog as an excuse as MIL hates the dog.

Definitely spend your next Christmas in your family home though there is no discussion needed about it I am amazed that you are considering travelling for this year I refused point blank.

For context... My dad never cooked for us growing up it was always my mum. And until maybe 4 years ago my mum would cook for us when we (siblings) came back to visit. It seems to have gone from one extreme to the other- my mum doing everything to nothing at all but still expecting the same visits and long stays. I don't know if she's just had enough but the past 2 Christmases I've cooked with my sisters while my mum has moaned about us not doing anything and not contributing to the costs of Christmas (I thought when you host it's normal to pay for the food). Last Christmas my sister gave them £200 to cover the food. Also no one got any gifts for DS which makes me think that he'd have a better Christmas celebrating at home and getting a stocking.

My mum just offered me breakfast now at 11am... I've already eaten at 8am with DS. Which means I'll be cooking lunch again since DS needs lunch in an hour and no doubt my mum won't want to eat at that time.

So wierd! Honestly it would piss me right off. She's sulking cos you don't want to come for Christmas why would you? You have to drive, cook it & pay for it n she won't eat it anyway?

Go home. I see no point in either of you being there. If DPs say anything about you leaving I would just say that it feels like you both are an inconvenience to them and their lifestyle and they are more than happy to come and visit you, but you won't be coming back!

My mother has NEVER cooked a meal for my husband and son and I when we’ve visited and I’ve been married 25+ years. It drives all of us (siblings included) crazy because it’s so expensive to eat out so now we cook some meals at my parents house with food bought by us! At least my parents will spend time with us OP. I would ignore them trying to control your Christmas plans-how rude is that?

What’s the point of visiting if your mother and father don’t spend any time with their gc?
Tell them it’s too much work now you are getting on in your pregnancy to visit. Also it will be too hard once the baby arrives.
After years of you putting the effort into traveling to them, now it’s time for them to go to you.
I find it bizarre that you have to cook your own meals.
Spend Christmas at home, invite your siblings. I’m sure your sister would prefer to visit you than be left with being responsible to host Christmas at your parents house

Visit less often, invite them more.likely you will have slightly less contact, that's their call.
Xmas, sort out with siblings, they can host another time, or sort yourselves out. Don't you want to include other grandparents occasionally? Don't get trapped into anything regular.

II think alot depends on their age - 50 then they should act more like hosts rather than indiv in the same house, 70 I can understand not doing so much. My Mum always over worried about food provision in my view even though I ended up catering at least once or twice when up there and certainly for lunchy type things.

These days she has a form of dementia and can hardly cope making a cuppa (even with instructions by the kettle and stickers on the right buttons). My Dad after 50 yrs of leaving her to it has taken over all housework, washing and cooking and running round after her (which is a handful) Cleaning has finally been outsourced and when any of the 6 kids visit we try and do the majority of the cooking for them and indeed double cook for the freezer on some things to try and help Dad out ( - he was always the ill one until M got iller!!!).

To anyone with parents downsizing please do convince them to have a decent double spare room, longer term it can be used for carers and visitors helping out. If there is one bone of contention with all us kids (All 40 to 50 these days) its having to sleep on a sofa bed that knackers all our backs and we are then taking the brunt of washing, drying and helping Mum with clothes and so on and taking her out to give Dad a break.

Go home and have Christmas at your house this year! Your mum sounds like she has an eating disorder, this makes things so much harder as eating is such a sociable thing it magnifies how odd it is when she behaves this way when you visit and is joyless for you!

They seem to be having everything on their terms and you are letting them, I would absolutely stay at home for Christmas off the back of the comment about you and your sisters not contributing. If you are hosting you provide, I would expect guests to bring booze etc and/or ask if there is anything else they could bring because that’s just polite but would expect to provide the absolute bulk of it as a host. You mum is a CF complaining that they’ve provided whilst insisting you go to them and you doing all the grunt work!!!

I think you need to take a stand here!

I honestly don't know why you are still visiting them, you are six months pregnant and must be getting very tired. Make this your last visit on the grounds of your pregnancy and new baby. Explain gently to them that if they want to see their new gc they will need to visit you.

This situation is not unusual, your parents feel they have earned the right for you to do all the running, chasing, cooking. They have done 'their' bit already. It is an old fashioned idea that we are somehow subservient to our elders.

In reality families don't work like this as much anymore, families now have very busy lives, working and distance to contend with you.

Use your pregnancy as a way to redefine your boundaries. You can't possibly do that distance again, and not for the foreseeable.

Your child is not losing out on anything except the horror of driving that distance to see them and their indifference. Some children don't have any gps and have very happy and content lives. Children need happy parents, not exhausted fraught angry ones.

Invite your siblings for christmas (it is your decision) or have a lovely family christmas at home and leave it to them to visit you op period.

Your parents sound totally indifferent, so what is the point? You have your own family now, focus on them and look after yourself and your unborn child. Boundaries and self care op, from today, now pack up and head home and order a takeaway for this evening.

Your mother does sound as if she has an eating disorder that has probably been in the background but unnoticed for a long time.

Their who attitude to your visits is really odd. The Christmas stuff is also odd. No gifts for their visiting grandchild?!

Go home and call it quits. Having a toddler does mean your timings may be a bit out of kilter for meals but virtually every family eats dinner together unless there is some good reason.

I’m interested as to why you haven’t questioned any of this? Sounds like a weird dynamic that has actybeen in place for ever but you are only recently properly noticing.

The lack of Christmas gifts for your DS is odder than anything! That's horrible and will be confusing for him when he realises.

I honestly don't see the point in visiting to be honest! Just stop going there. Invite them over.

I don't think YABU - is she quite down about her set up? If she raised the issue of lack of input at Christmas a couple of years ago maybe she feels she's had her days qaiti g on people and it's manifested in this extreme approach to hosting. I am currently visiting my Mum who is 70 but for context we are staying two weeks as she will provide childcare whilst I work from her office. As we stay so long I am cooking some nights but when we arrived she had the fridge stocked with savoury snacks and always cooks a roast type dinner on the Sunday. Even lunches at my Mum's are very 'proper'- salad in serving dishes, cheese board, fresh bread. She won't except my 11 year old having a sandwich in the lounge (like we may do at home), she prefers us to eat together at the table for every meal! Plus, she thinks my son is too skinny so is constantly offering snacks and full fat milk which he hates (but won't tell her) she has organised National Trust visits, local walks, park, theatre etc over the last week. However, she didn't go to a theme park with us as it's too much. She is an ex teacher and will sit with my 7 year old helping her with workbooks. I would say she definitely does less than in her 60's but that makes sense I suppose.

@1099

If you had got back and said you and DS had already eaten who would have cooked for DF.

Why can't her father cook for himself? Why is it the OP's problem? Because she's a woman?

@Ifoundanacorn This situation is not unusual, your parents feel they have earned the right for you to do all the running, chasing, cooking. They have done 'their' bit already. It is an old fashioned idea that we are somehow subservient to our elders.

I think you nailed it. Whenever we try and question any conventions or traditions, they always say it's not respectful and talk about everything they've done for us and how wanting to spend christmas at home/ not visiting often enough shows that we're the kind of kids that will put the in a home. It's very stressful. My DH once observed that we're very close on a superficial level, and argue in a lively way about politics, science, religion etc... but avoid conflict when it comes to relationship issues.

For people asking why I visit... When all our family are together, while we're very dysfunctional, we're very cheerful, always laughing and it is usually very uplifting. But recently it's started to feel like this is just for show/ to maintain people's perception of us as this happy go lucky close knit family...and the two hours DM spends with DS is more for my mum's social media than anything. I know he genuinely gives them joy just being around the house, and they love him (and he loves them) butt it seems a lot of effort to come all the way for them to get only a couple hours interaction a day with him.

I don't think I'll invite my siblings for Christmas next year as DPs will see it as disrespectful and it'll cause too much drama . I might tell them though that they're more than welcome to come to ours but my parents want them to spend christmas at theirs. Maybe a good compromise?

For people who have asked my DPs are in their late 50s and very healthy. My dad is the fittest person I know his age due to his hobby and still has a six pack/ no fat on him. My mum is sedentary but not unwell.

Also DM does stock the fridge well before visits so I don't pay for food unless I eat out. Maybe she thinks she's done her bit by doing a shop before we arrive?

So you'll have Christmas at your house and leave the rest of them to it?

Given everything you describe, I think I'd limit visits to once or twice a year, when your siblings are present to make it fun.

And, if they carry on treating like a home help, rather than a daughter and GC they want to spend time with, then of course you'll put them in a home!

Late 50s!!! Holy shit. I thought mid to late 70s!

@Goldenbear i wish my parents organised trips when I visited.... it would be one less thing to have to organise and think about. It's all down to me and my DM won't come to anything unless I ask her well in advance ( she doesn't like her plans of staying home all day being disrupted)

So you've probably got 30 more years of this to go? Did they spend 30+ years bringing you up and hosting you?

You're definitely in 'we're all fit, capable adults, let's divide up the work' territory. You, as a parent of pre-schoolers, are definitely more in need of support and 'looking after' then they are.

I'd be teasing them about their premature elderliness! WTF!

My in-laws are like that; in ten years I can count the number of 'experiences' outside the home we've had with them on one hand. They're always "too busy", although they're late 70s and retired. That said though, we don't have kids yet so perhaps they'd have made more of an effort ten years ago if we had a little one?

Being in their 50s and not bothered sounds odd, especially as you've driven all that way. I agree with others, you should have Christmas your own way and invite them if you want. A relationship is about give and take, compromise, but it sounds like they think they've raised you and that's as far as their giving goes.

I wouldn't be annoyed about cooking. I'd be happy with a full fridge and being able to cook what I want when I want it.

However I would be very angry at them not spending much time with the dc.

Why ask to visit when they spend most of their time alone with you? You might as well be at home.

That is really weird. My parents don’t always eat lunch and might eat breakfast later but they’ll have food in and make the kids breakfast. I might offer to bring a cake... and when I was pregnant then my mum would look after the toddler while o had a nap/read a book. We would always go out once a day together, then maybe someone might pop out later on with the kids. I really wouldn’t bother doing that drive with small kids when in addition to the food weirdness they don’t spend time with you!