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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset that my friend just cheated on her husband while he is in hospital?

109 replies

milkchocolateStarryStarryNight · 16/06/2007 17:59

I so do not know how to handle this one.
My friend just told me she met up with her ex boyfriend from long ago last night, she took him home (her dc at grandmas), they spent the night having sex, more than once, and it was so great.

Her husband is in hospital for the last two weeks with heartproblem.

By my friends own admission she will not have sex with her ex boyfriend again as husband is due out from hospital on monday, so the possibility will not lend itself.

FFS! She has been married 7 years, as a 3 your old, and she just told me she has cheated and shows no remorse? Ok, she and her dh had an open relationship before they got married and had kids, but even so?

What am I to think about this? Shall I just ignore it, or ?

OP posts:
Original poster
milkchocolateStarryStarryNight · 16/06/2007 23:29

I dont know if she has told anyone. But what if the son wakes up, walks in? Surely he would tell dad when he comes home? He is nearly 3, so talks.

OP posts:
willywonka · 16/06/2007 23:30

Can't believe she'll be able to keep a 3yo from telling daddy about the man who read a bedtime story when he was in hospital, do you?

Was shocked at your original post, astonished at this evening's developments and am not sure that I would be able to maintain a friendship with someone who clearly shares very different core values. However you may be a more tolerant individual!

Original poster
milkchocolateStarryStarryNight · 16/06/2007 23:38

I am pretty tolerant, but I am also at the moment utterly disgusted, shocked and in disbelief at her lack of respect and values. I am usually no prude, but my limit go at actually cheating, not just once, but for the second time premediated, and then to boast about it....

OP posts:
willywonka · 16/06/2007 23:41

If it helps, I really don't think you're being a prude.

tiredemma · 16/06/2007 23:47

agree- its not a case of being a prude.

Elasticwoman · 17/06/2007 00:02

Have you expressed your shock, disgust etc to your friend? Have you asked her why she is telling you, and told her you are not impressed? Does she care whether her husband finds out or not? Will she care if she passes on an STD to her husband, when he already has other health problems?

Original poster
milkchocolateStarryStarryNight · 17/06/2007 00:22

Elasticwoman, I dont know the answer to any of these questions. We have spoken quite openly about sex in the past, so maybe she just feels like confiding... Maybe she wants me to give her a kick up the backside, ie to condone her behaviour. (I am active in my church doing lots of voluntary work there too, dc goes to catholic faith school)

OP posts:
bananabump · 17/06/2007 00:41

We've all confessed things to friends out of just needing to talk it out with someone, but her lack of regret and the way she is boasting just makes her sound horrible.

I would wait til she gets in touch with you (hopefully she's had time to reflect on why you left in such a hurry on msn) and then be a bit cool with her. She might be annoyed that you've judged her, but not many real friends wouldn't when faced with such behaviour.

You don't necessarily need to get into a slanging match with her, but let her know that as her friend, you have to tell her what she's doing isn't right on so many levels, she's going to get caught out, and you don't want to have to hear about the aftermath when it's self caused.

Original poster
milkchocolateStarryStarryNight · 17/06/2007 00:55

Hi Bananabump, as you can see, I am about to change my name...

Sound advise there, will take a step back and see what she says in the morning...

OP posts:
bananabump · 17/06/2007 00:59

Let us know how it goes!

Original poster
milkchocolateStarryStarryNight · 17/06/2007 01:00

oh I most certainly will...

OP posts:
kama · 17/06/2007 01:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

BrothelSprouts · 17/06/2007 01:52

I wouldn't.
What she has done is horrible, sneaky and cheap, and I would make sure that my friend knew that I found her behaviour unacceptable.
But she doesn't have to demonstrate remorse to you - you're not her husband, nor are you her mother.
And nor would it be prudent to put her relationship at risk, and thereby cause hurt and upset to her child.
And two people can be friends if they have differing moral compasses, as long as they bother accept these differences.
If you get on well (apart from this issue), perhaps you could look to maintaining your friendship.

BrothelSprouts · 17/06/2007 01:53

Sorry, I deleted part of my post in error.
It should read:
"And nor would it be prudent to put her relationship at risk by telling her husband about her infidelity, as the fallout would cause hurt and upset to her child".

PeggyMitchell · 17/06/2007 01:54

a friend of mine behaved like this, then she "uped and offed" with the new man, leaveng a very upset husband. New man then dumped her. Let her know your disaproval, but be prepared that she may need your support, if you are prepared to give it in the future.

Tortington · 17/06/2007 04:21

its non of your business, you can only judge on whether you want to remain wfirend s with this woman rather than her sexual exploits.

Sixofone · 17/06/2007 10:10

Agree. Maybe she just wants a damn good shag! She clearly hasn't totally thought through the consequences and it's certainly something I personally wouldn't be boasting about, but what she does in bed and with whom is entirely up to her - she's an adult, if she wants to treat her hubby in this way it's her business not yours. Don't get involved and don't judge.

If you still like her enough, just be there for her when it all goes tits up!

Original poster
milkchocolateStarryStarryNight · 17/06/2007 10:55

I am still quite shocked over this, which is why I have not been trying to get in touch with her, as I still have not figured out what stance to take. I dont even want to speculate as to why, as I think somebody who does this must be pretty unfulfilled in their married life, or just not thinking. I have only known her since Christmas.
Who knows what her life is really like.

My issue is not with her morals, who am I to impart my morals on somebody else? My issue is what role to take on regards to her, and what to say to her that is not going to sound too judgemental, but I also feel that honesty is needed, I cant pretend I think this is all "honky dory".

I will never tell her husband. That is not my job, if anybody should tell him, it is her. Maybe he already knows? I have not asked her that. I would not bear the consequences of breaking such news to a man who has had heartproblems the last 10 years and a myriad of other problems.

I am not here to judge her, but gain some insight in to how to deal with this. I have never been faced with actual adultery before in this manner. Truth be told, I was tempted to embark on a flirtation myself once (and not long ago) but did not act on it and seeing this situation develop just gives me a punch to my belly.

OP posts:
edam · 17/06/2007 11:06

Blimey, am shocked by her behaviour and by her lack of shame.

TranquilaManana · 17/06/2007 11:18

i find women calling other women 'slags' disgusting tbh.
you have a little bit of thirdhand information about a woamn youll never meet, and you see fit to condemn and summarise her entire personlity as beyond reproach because she dares to make a mistake and, horror of horrors, have SEX. sex she enjoys no less; the dirty wee slag.

the view nice from up there on your horses, is it??

tiredemma · 17/06/2007 11:22

I do think that a woman who invites a man around for sex while

  1. her own husband is in hospital
  2. her child ( hubbys child also) is under the same roof

is a slag.

Nothing to do with 'enjoying sex', more about having a bit of bloody respect for your family.

kittywits · 17/06/2007 11:32

You don't know the details of your friend's relationship with her dh. Maybe he's a sh*t.Give the woman a break.

bananabump · 17/06/2007 11:33

milkchocolate, is this the same woman you were referring to in the thread about your flirtation? If I recall correctly you said she had been in an open relationship with her husband and he didn't mind her having encounters with women?

If it IS the same woman, do you think maybe she's saying these things to make you jealous and rub your nose in it that you didn't take her up on her offer? Apologies if I have the wrong end of the stick, it just rang a bell for me. If it is her, she sounds like she has few restrictions on her behaviour, and you might have to just shake your head and accept that's who she is. She sounds like a bit of a bugger!

kimi · 17/06/2007 11:35

Im with tiredemma on this one.

She brings a bloke home AND lets him read to her child WHILE childs daddy is in hospital.
She clearly has no respect for her hubby, her child her home her marriage or herself.

mumof4aceboys · 17/06/2007 11:36

Hi - if he has heart problems maybe they have an arrangement. Maybe he can't have sex due to his health or medication. Maybe she should try a vibrator. Who knows what goes on behind closed doors eh! Best keeping out of it. Hubby bound to find out & what goes around comes around at the end of the day. You are not unreasonable to be upset you obviously are the caring type