Aibu headteacher undermining me

[Autumndayswhenthegrassisjewel]

I think I know how I'm going to respond to this but would like some mn opinions first!
Scenario: child participates in something at school that I'm not happy with. I tell school I'm not happy for them to participate and they say fine (think religion based) . Next thing I hear is that my ds has had a meeting with the head where he's told why it is fine and he will participate.
For context ds is 7. I'm now more annoyed by the heads actions than the thing itself. Am I right in thinking that if the head wanted to discuss it, it should be with me?as it is I feel our family values and parenting decisions have been undermined and I don't know if I trust other issues to be dealt with properly.
Am I over reacting?

Pshe not pushed

Is @donquixotedelamancha on drugs, do we think?

Op yanbu based on what I think you’re saying (with some help from Nik Kershaw above) but it seems to be that you’re making a mountain out of a molehill.

I think it could be Halloween. Lots of the kids at the party today were not dressed up for religious christian beliefs.

@donquixotedelamancha bet it has something to do with Todd Unctious.

Why not just speak to the head?
Is it possible they tried to contact you and you missed the call?
Did you withdraw your child in writing from the activity? If not the message might not have been passed on, the activity might have involved certain group sizes or pairings to get the right outcome and so your son was ‘needed’. Not saying it’s right but giving possibilities.

When I was at school my mum used to do this. I hated it. I wish the head had taken the lead and encouraged me to participate. I felt left out and actually it didn’t offend my own beliefs to participate....only hers.

Re the head talking with your son - is it your son’s side of the story you’ve had? He might have been asked by the head why he wasn’t participating, said ‘I don’t know’ (embarrassed?) and then the head has said ‘well we’re doing this - sure you don’t fancy it?’.

It does seem as if the OP needs to give more information to get a proper response on this.

Whether the OP was reasonable or not in attempting to withdraw her child from whatever this was has a large impact on how reasonable or unreasonable the HT was.

Spell it out OP it's too cryptic

I reckon it was Mindfulness. (I really want to know if I'm right!) I'd have said LGBT if a bit older, but at this age...
I also suspect the HT was clearing up a misunderstanding, eg, classteacher says "oh so and so's mum says he can't do this it's antiChristian" to which HT has said "of course it's not" and had a chat with 7yr old to explain he's not being asked to worship false gods.
So, I'm going with YABU in the first place, but yes, bit of a communication mishap. They should have phoned you first to explain. On the other hand, if you're THAT parent then they may be trying to get your son a rounded education. Without giving us more details only you know the answer to that.

Well I agree with you op. I think parents should be able to withdraw children from faith based activities even in a faith school. People are assuming the op chose to send her child there but that’s not always the case. I live in a large city and every secondary school bar 4 are faith schools. And they aren’t all good schools. There is one that is notorious for being where kids are placed if they don’t get in any of their 5 choices.

Could it be that the head initially said "fine, I'll consider your request" but op interpreted that as 'fine, he can be excused'. Head then talks to the child to gain their understanding and in the process offers some explanations and reassurance?
Without knowing the situation it's impossible to know if that was appropriate. He should then ofcourse followed it up with a call/email to you so you would be fair to be annoyed about that.

I would also be interested in exactly what the head said. I’m thinking more along the lines of ‘your child won’t be forced to participate in anything they aren’t comfortable with’ and then the follow up chat was to make sure they ‘chose’ to participate.

depends. If it is like attending an event of different faith for "diversity training" - YANBU.
If it is something that is of faith specific to particular school - then YABU.

While I'm as curious as everyone else to know what the situation was, I think this is one of the rare occasions on which it doesn't actually make any difference.

I cannot think of any such situation, whether the issue were religious or secular, in which I would be happy to approach the head to express a genuine concern and for him/her to tell me that it's fine to withdraw my child, before going back on his or her word and dealing directly with my 7-year-old, telling them that mummy is wrong and they can participate after all. If the head doesn't consider it fine for me to withdraw my child, or thinks that I'm being unreasonable in my views, then it's up to him/her to discuss this with me, at the time that I raise the issue, not with my young child. And therefore, I (cautiously!) say YANBU and that chances are I would be really pissed off.

I agree, which is why I believe there has been a misunderstanding somewhere.

It doesn't matter if it is a faith school or not. In the UK parents have the legal right to withdraw their children from religious practises at school.

So YANBU the school did the wrong thing.

So YANBU the school did the wrong thing

No, only if it was a religious practice, which we don't know because the OP won't tell us. Indeed everything's they have suggested is that it's not part of religious practice at the school, but part of the curriculum they want to opt out of because it's against their religion (creationism, eating spaghetti or whatever)

My money is on Halloween. And a Christian school.

Some Christians (particularly Evangelical ones) have a real problem with Halloween, others don't find it significant at all.

In which case it is not about different faiths clashing but different interpretations of what that one faith should be.

If this is so then it is a tricky one: for the school Halloween is not about their religious faith, for the OP it totally is.

And it's the same religious faith.

OP I think people are being a bit unfair and missing the point of your post, but it sounds like the activity was happening that day, so the head teacher would not have had time to talk it though with you before it was too late? Perhaps it was a part of the curriculum which they didn't feel your child was able to opt out of, so with limited time available they thought the best course of action was to try to discuss it with your DS to reassure him that it was okay to take part? I agree that you have a right to be annoyed that they didn't discuss it with you, but perhaps this was not possible?

As I don't know what the actual activity was.. but regardless of whether you believe in something or not your son should have knowledge of other people's faiths and beliefs. You can teach him even at 7 that other people believe X but we don't.

Although I do have a problem with telling someone else, even your own child, what to believe.
However I think op is worried that her ds may learn about other beliefs and choose to believe something different than she does, otherwise why would you care. Just my opinion.

In DD's junior school we didn't use the 'H' word at all, not even for a disco (Autumn, fancy dress optional) so I don't think it's going to be that.

Whatever the activity was, it had already happened so it's not one (like sex ed or showing a PG film, for example) that schools would routinely ask parents about beforehand. It had happened before the OP asked for her child not to do it again. That implies something fairly routine to me.

IMO, you have to withdraw them from anything to do with religion entirely (lessons, assemblies, activities) to cover all the bases/all religions. I don't mind my child learning about different religions, especially as her own classmates cover a variety which is a good thing.

I remember at my RC primary we didn't do fireworks night (Guy Fawkes of course being a Catholic). We did the fireworks on Halloween or All Saints day instead.

BTW Halloween stands for All Hallows Eve and was actually celebrated by the medieval church as a holy occasion - all the satanist/scary stuff was added later. Some Christians object to Halloween celebrations not because they encourage evil, but because they feel the imagery cheapens what it's really about.

I think that the nature of the activity is relevant. If you are being a bit nutsvthe principal probably thought it was pointless to engage with you and not in your sobs best interests.

Your son is only confused because you’ve been a drama llama about it.

I BET it’s a trip to a mosque.

I think people are missing the point in a big way.

It doesn't matter what the activity was, or what OP's reasons for not wanting her child to do it were. The point is that the Head told her that it was OK for her child not to participate, then went behind her back and pushed the child into participating. At the very least, he should have contacted OP to say he'd changed his mind.