Aibu headteacher undermining me

[Autumndayswhenthegrassisjewel]

I think I know how I'm going to respond to this but would like some mn opinions first!
Scenario: child participates in something at school that I'm not happy with. I tell school I'm not happy for them to participate and they say fine (think religion based) . Next thing I hear is that my ds has had a meeting with the head where he's told why it is fine and he will participate.
For context ds is 7. I'm now more annoyed by the heads actions than the thing itself. Am I right in thinking that if the head wanted to discuss it, it should be with me?as it is I feel our family values and parenting decisions have been undermined and I don't know if I trust other issues to be dealt with properly.
Am I over reacting?

I think you need to give us the actual situation as it really is a case by case thing.

For example, if you're refusing to allow your child to even hear that abortion is an option then that is irresponsible. A sex ed class is about sex ed... that's it. Religion plays no part in the facts. They need to teach all the facts. Then in religious studies they can learn that despite all the options, some are not an option in a certain religion etc.

Children need to be taught, whether they are "allowed" to do it or not, they need to know about the existence of abortions.

That's just one example. We'd need to know yours to see if it's something you can't or shouldnt opt out of.

Going behind your back was wrong, but if you're very overzealous with strict religious rules then maybe the teacher was trying to ensure your child gets a well rounded education, whilst knowing you wouldn't allow it.

Haha donquixote you are going to get it right at some point!

I'm determined to help the OP.

YABU, Haile Selassie is very important in that school.

Did someone mention dinosaurs to your child?

true story: about religious assumptions, discussion about students opting out religious assemblies & sex education (girls school by the by)a parent said to me "those Muslims live in this country so they shouldn't be allowed to exclude their children from this" (I had asked dd when she got home re this women's accusation- to confirm what she had told me before- dd said " huh , mum its not the Muslim kids its the Plymouth Brethren students - they don't celebrate Christmas or birthdays etc, The Muslim students all take part")

We could make a game of this. Guess the AIBU!

Sorry OP, but you are just being confusing. We can't judge anything if we don't know what it is.

To answer the OP's actual point!

I think it's U for the school to say to you it's fine to withdraw your child from the activity but then pressure him to take part. That's how I read your OP...

Yes, they should have a) let you know in advance what the activity was if it was something that some parents might reasonably object to/want to know more about (although if you are very unusual in your objection/first person to say you'd rather not then it may genuinely not have occurred to them.)

b) Definitely been clear over the phone that he had to take part (if he did) and then you could have had a conversation about whether you wanted them to talk to him or preferred not. Faith is a tricky thing and I'd be wary of a seven year old thinking the head teacher must be right or that he might get in trouble for disagreeing with an authority figure

OP If the school’s response to you, as the parent, was to say it was fine for your son not to participate, then it is reasonable to assume he would not participate.
If your son then had a meeting with the Head, who discussed why it was okay to participate, it is contradicting your non-consent to participate and yes, undermining your parental wishes.

Actually, whilst I would love to know the problem itself from curiosity - I don't really think I need to answer your question.

You asked your child not to take part in something faith related on faith based grounds and the head talked to your child to explain why you were wrong. Is that right? Well I agree with you - I don't think this is ok. They should talk to you about it and explain to you why it is ok.
Parents currently do have the right to withdraw their child from RE and collective worship if they want to - even at a church school.

As people have said it's a case by case example.

It could be the head was out of order. It could be that the OP holds strict religious views that would limit the child's access to a broad and balanced curriculum (As they're trying to opt out of non opt out elements of the curriculum).

If not Halloween I'm wondering if it was a demonstration of how Muslims pray and rather than say 'the school is letting children act out how Muslims might pray' the OP has decided it's totally praying to false gods.

YABU. If the school says he must wear a collander on his head then you should support them.

(This is a real religion- Google it)

Hmm, perhaps mermaids were invited in to do a talk. Now I would be very annoyed about my dc going to that.

Without knowing the circumstances it's hard for posters to give an opinion. In theory, your wishes should be respected, unless of course they were stupid reasons for being withdrawn.

In fairness maisy, I think that’s fairly reasonable. My parents would not have let me “play” at an act of worship to another god when I was a child and I don’t see an issue with that. They would have had no problem with me learning about other religions however.

But I don't think it is a case by case example!

There I things that I personally think op would be unreasonable to withdraw her child from but that's not the question here.

She'd raised an objection regarding faith and the school discussed it with her young and impressionable child before/instead of speaking to her about it.

She's said explicitly of it's something hehad to take part in, she accepts that. It's the discussion with the head that she objects to and I think that's fair. In most schools that's not a normal part of the school day, they've singled out her son because of her objection and tried to 'convince' him of an alternate opinion e.g. that activity X is ok

I find your position on Halloween interesting considering many many of the Christian traditions and rituals were adopted from paganism. Just something as simple as communion and eating a round disk originates from worshipping Baal and Osiris - the sun gods - and taking the sun inside you.

Idk what the issue is but I think you need to chill out a little and be more tolerant of differences.

I.e. not e.g.

They tried to tell her son that activity X is ok when she disagrees. If it's a faith matter I think they are in dodgy grounds. That's not their role

Mmmm if it were mermaids I’d be taking my dd out!

It could be a visit to a temple or mosque or church or chape. It could be making a menorah, or making a prayer mat. Or any type of activity to make learning about a religion enjoyable.

Ignored me breads contempt. Children need to be educated in all religions and, in some cases, experience, take part in or watch an act of worship in order to fully understand it.

Refusing to allow it because it's different from your religion might be how you feel, but your child is allowed to learn and come to their own conclusions. And they should be given the chance to do that.

Parents don't always know best, particularly if they have there own very strong convictions.

YANBU. I wouldn't want to change my middle name to Diego either.

*ignorance breeds contempt.

It's really difficult to say without knowing the scenario. I think

YANBU if they are forcing your child to eat food that is not allowed in their religion.

YABU if you are not allowing your child to visit a mosque (or other place of worship) or have sex ed.

It really does matter what it is, if it was say a Halloween event, when you had withdrawn from all religious activities. The child wanted to do it and the head talked to the child about Halloween being a secular British event and it wasn't part of the schools religious activities then YABU.

However if it was more specifically a religious duty of the school - and you had withdrawn the child from religion - then yes the head should not have told the child it was okay. However if the child had asked to join in, then the head should have talked to you, at seven though they should likely not have continued without talking to you.

Me, me, me!

I’m guessing evolution & OP is a creationist.

Seriously OP, everyone agrees that the head was out of order, but that’s so obvious that it’s a bit boring compared to guessing what the actual issue was!

I've worked in faith schools. Even they will struggle to 'force' children to do activities the parents don't want them to do, even if it's an activity in line with the religion of the faith school.

In a CofE school I have taught Jehovah's Witnesses, Muslims, Hindus, other Christian denominations and accepted that if the parent doesn't want their child participating in an activity or lesson then I have to respect that, regardless of my views on their decision.

The Head telling you it's fine to withdraw your child from an activity, then telling the child they have to do it, is not acceptable.

Maybe you did misunderstand what they were doing. Maybe the Head didn’t have the chance to talk you you and explain that immediately.
It’s impossible to know as you won’t say what it is but it sounds like you’re making a big deal about very little.