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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to distance myself from brand new SIL?

156 replies

Daddymacjump · 24/10/2018 20:44

Long-time poster but I've NC because thanks quite identifying to the people who witnessed this and my best friend who I've been on the phone in tears to!

DBro got married today to a woman I'm not too fond of. Not a big deal, I adore my brother and this is who he has chosen to spend his life with so I've always had a "grin and bear it" mentality. She's been quite rude in the past but I honestly try so hard to be nice to her.

(Some of you may remember my post from a couple of years ago about whether I could uninvite her from Christmas day drinks because she had made some extremely insensitive comments about her pregnancy in direct relation to my infertility).

Anyway, today was their long awaited wedding day. Very small wedding, all six of the seven children invited were bridesmaids/page boys (including my nearly 2yo DS) except my DSS. Fine, whatever, grin and bear it. My DS was being very challenging trying to get him to stand still waiting around - it's been a long journey to the wedding, approx 2 days in the car - and he was getting very upset so I gave him a dummy which he usually only has for naps. SIL commented how it was such a shame he's going to have a dummy in all her wedding photos from the service. Hmm But fine, grin and bear it.

Then afterwards whilst my DH is taking photos (amateur photographer and obviously doing this for free) I made a joke to DH and SIL. I said "have the camera ready and I'll hop on her back for a photo". She said, in front of half of the guests "Ouch, do that and I'll end up in A&E! Maybe best if it's the other way round and I'll hop on yours Wink" followed by a tinkly laugh.

I'm honestly done. Yes I'm big - a tall size 16 opposed to her small framed size 10. It was clearly a joke I was making. But FFS was it really necessary to point out that if I was to hope on her back I would crush her?!

I'm so done with grinning and bearing it but I really love my brother and don't want to distance myself from him. He wasn't there when she said it and didn't see me go for a little cry afterwards (a stealth cry, which nobody except for my mum and dad noticed) so he has no idea. Rightly so because I do not want drama on his wedding day or following it. What the fuck do I do now? I was nice to her for the remainder of the reception and she did come up and tell me how lovely I looked in my dress, after i had commented how stunning she was in hers. So I know I can be civil and even kind to her, but it is exhausting me!

OP posts:
Original poster
Daddymacjump · 24/10/2018 20:46

Also the Daily Mail and other such tabloids are all a bunch of cunts, before they even think of publishing this!

OP posts:
CoughLaughFart · 24/10/2018 20:47

People always say ‘you can choose your friends, but not your relatives’ - and unfortunately this goes for the people your relatives choose too. You don’t want to be daggers drawn with this woman as you want your brother in your life, but maybe keep your distance for a bit.

TheClitterati · 24/10/2018 20:50

I think you are being a bit sensitive.

You made a bad "joke" she made a bad "joke", and it would be a shame if you 2yo had a dummy in his mouth in the wedding pics too IMO.

Nothing wrong with being tall!

Tistheseason17 · 24/10/2018 20:55

If time spent around them is unpleasant then spend less time with them.
You don't have to have a rift, argument or drama - just be ready with, "sorry, we already have plans then, another time" when they ask you out.

Original poster
Daddymacjump · 24/10/2018 20:57

Yep I would rather have not had DS with his dummy too but it was either that or have him screaming through the entire ceremony. It was a small room with less than 20 guests and a five minute ceremony so there was nothing more I could do other than take him out completely and missnthe ceremony (which again I would have been criticised for). DS is adopted and was tired and overwhelmed so yeah, I gave him a dummy.

Still think it's very unkind to make a joke about someone's weight in front of a load of their family and friends though.

OP posts:
JoyfulMystery · 24/10/2018 20:58

Honestly, OP, I'm sorry your feelings were hurt, but the thing that's most puzzling about your post is what a weird thing you said about hopping on the bride's back for a photo -- where on earth did that come from? Are you and your DH in the habit of leaping onto one another's backs for photos on formal occasions? Maybe she was just alarmed and thought you actually meant it?

And as someone whose son had a dummy for bedtimes until he was three, I would have to concur with your SIL that they aren't aesthetically pleasing to the eye, though tactless of her to say so.

Anyway, I don't think you need to 'distance yourself' unless you all live in one another's pockets, or something, do you? I have four SILs -- I'm very fond of two, though we're not close, one is a complete lunatic (and married to DH's former jailbird brother, and I haven't seen either of them in ten years), and my DB's wife I've only met twice in the two years they've been married.

TheQueenSnortsAvocados · 24/10/2018 20:59

I get that there's back story, but I think the back story is colouring your perception of these two complete non-events.

Original poster
Daddymacjump · 24/10/2018 20:59

Tis I definitely don't want to make a thing out of it. But we are such a close family who see each other for family events often so it will become a bit obvious that I'm avoiding them.

I really don't want to miss out on time with my brother/nieces and nephews though so I think once again I'm going to have to grin and bear it.

OP posts:
MrsStrowman · 24/10/2018 20:59

You seem quite touchy. Also why would you went your two year old to have a dummy in wedding photos?

Laiste · 24/10/2018 21:00

I used dummies for mine so nothing against them - and yes i'd have used one during the service. For photos though? I'd have tried not to have one in for them all, definitely.

I think you face a life time of grinning and baring it tbh. What else is there to do?

Original poster
Daddymacjump · 24/10/2018 21:03

Fair enough, the backstory probably is colouring it.

There's a photo of my DBro jumping on my DHs back at my wedding, which is where the bad joke came from. SIL knows this as a few days ago at the hen do we were showing her funny photos of my DBro that she hadn't seen.

Probably just feeling sensitive about it, so I appreciate cot he posts.

OP posts:
Pebblespony · 24/10/2018 21:04

You obviously don't like her as these aren't really things to fall out over.

Original poster
Daddymacjump · 24/10/2018 21:05

He only had the dummy for photos during the service. Took it out for the formal photos afterwards. So he will be in the background of the ceremony photos with his dummy. Preferable to him screaming.

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 24/10/2018 21:05

Her reaction does honestly sound like a flash reaction to what was a very odd, random remark. It doesn’t mean anything at all.

Her reaction to ds and the dummy was tactless but ha, sometime she may have a child to control at a wedding and realise that one’s plans don’t always pan out the way your though when it comes to parenting.

However, you clearly have a strained relationship so do keep things friendly but without too much contact. Perhaps over time you will find more in common.

SinglePringle · 24/10/2018 21:06

Your ‘I’ll jump on her back’ comment could have been taken to mean you want to make your new, bridal, SIL look a twat. As if you wanted to ruin her photos and knock her feet out from under her (figuratively and literally for all she knew). It’s the equivalent of doing ‘bunny ears’ to a bride and who’d want that.

If also ask if a dummy could be removed for at least some of the photos.

On balance, I think YWBU.

converseandjeans · 24/10/2018 21:07

I find it a strange joke to make tbh - although her response was a bit off. Why would you make that joke if you are a tall size 16? I am too so not criticizing your size btw.
Maybe you could have sat DS on your knee during the service so he wasn't in the pics with a dummy? I don't think I would want that either - however I don't think I would have had a 2yo in that role as it's too young. Unless they're used to going to church then they are unlikely to keep still long enough.

Laiste · 24/10/2018 21:09

He only had the dummy for photos during the service.

She has to suck that one up then (ha ha). The background of photos during service is very take as you find. Formal one's are the one's which matter when it comes to guests. If it means that much to her to not see the dummy in the background of service shots she can get it photo shopped out.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 24/10/2018 21:10

This all only happened today. You’re probably knackered (I am after weddings) and you’ve had a whole day of trying to persuade an anxious year old to stand around for photos and all that.

The jumping on the back thing was a bit weird (the comment I mean- I appreciate you didn’t actually do it Grin) but obviously made sense to the people involved.

I’m sure things will gradually get better. Just avoid having to spend any time on your own with her, which I’m sure no one will notice. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing, but after a stressful day it can feel like it does.

Justkeeprollingalong · 24/10/2018 21:11

Sorry, off topic, but can someone explain the point of scoring through whole paragraphs? I have seen it before where a tongue in cheek comment has been crossed through for comic effect but the posts above don't fall into his category. Sorry for the digression, I'm fairly new and many things on MN puzzle me!

Original poster
Daddymacjump · 24/10/2018 21:11

The joke was in reference to something we had spoken about a few days before but I get that it probably threw her. And I'm generally not thinking about my size all the time so didn't think to not make the joke because of that. But as I've said, I shouldn't have made it. I would never comment on someone physically crushing me and sending me to a&e though.

There was no seating at the wedding and DS's role as a pageboy was more of a title than responsibility. He was in my arms most of the time (except when trying to wriggle out) because he is not capable of standing still for that long.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 24/10/2018 21:11

I suspect you are not very good at grinning and bearing it and she felt the dummy and the jump on back comment were deliberate - hence her reaction

Also given the size of the wedding it doesnt seem odd either than your DSS is not invited

You say you are a close family but your reactions to each other make your mutually dislike v clear

Thatstheendofmytether · 24/10/2018 21:11

She sounds like a bit of a twat tbf. I would just grin and bear it and then have a good bitch about her afterwards. I'm sure it's not just my family that do that 😂

Didntwanttochangemyname · 24/10/2018 21:12

If it was my wedding day and someone, anyone (!) made a joke about jumping on my back and riding me I'd be pretty horrified and wonder wtf they were doing at my wedding.

JosellaPlayton · 24/10/2018 21:13

Obviously there’s a back story here but what you’ve described sound like none events.
Sorry but I agree that an almost 2YO shouldn’t have a dummy in all day, fair enough for the church and for naps but she said something, perhaps a bit tactless but you did take it out for formal photos. So issue resolved no?
The jumping on her ‘joke’ is downright bizarre and not funny even with the reference to your wedding photos. She probably didn’t recognise the context or know what to say and that was the first thing that popped into her head. You started it so you need to let that one go.
Your DSS, so your DH’s son from a previous relationship wasn’t included in your Brother’s wife’s bridal party... I don’t think that’s that unusual.

So yeah don’t really get it. If you don’t like her then fair enough, you’ll just have to manage by limiting contact and/or grinning and bearing it.

Tortoisecharlie · 24/10/2018 21:13

I’m not sure these are big enough reasons to do something as dramatic as distancing yourself.

I’m having terrible IL problems, which have involved excluding me. I think it’s realky only ongoing and serious problems that you can exclude someone?

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