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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to distance myself from brand new SIL?

156 replies

Daddymacjump · 24/10/2018 20:44

Long-time poster but I've NC because thanks quite identifying to the people who witnessed this and my best friend who I've been on the phone in tears to!

DBro got married today to a woman I'm not too fond of. Not a big deal, I adore my brother and this is who he has chosen to spend his life with so I've always had a "grin and bear it" mentality. She's been quite rude in the past but I honestly try so hard to be nice to her.

(Some of you may remember my post from a couple of years ago about whether I could uninvite her from Christmas day drinks because she had made some extremely insensitive comments about her pregnancy in direct relation to my infertility).

Anyway, today was their long awaited wedding day. Very small wedding, all six of the seven children invited were bridesmaids/page boys (including my nearly 2yo DS) except my DSS. Fine, whatever, grin and bear it. My DS was being very challenging trying to get him to stand still waiting around - it's been a long journey to the wedding, approx 2 days in the car - and he was getting very upset so I gave him a dummy which he usually only has for naps. SIL commented how it was such a shame he's going to have a dummy in all her wedding photos from the service. Hmm But fine, grin and bear it.

Then afterwards whilst my DH is taking photos (amateur photographer and obviously doing this for free) I made a joke to DH and SIL. I said "have the camera ready and I'll hop on her back for a photo". She said, in front of half of the guests "Ouch, do that and I'll end up in A&E! Maybe best if it's the other way round and I'll hop on yours Wink" followed by a tinkly laugh.

I'm honestly done. Yes I'm big - a tall size 16 opposed to her small framed size 10. It was clearly a joke I was making. But FFS was it really necessary to point out that if I was to hope on her back I would crush her?!

I'm so done with grinning and bearing it but I really love my brother and don't want to distance myself from him. He wasn't there when she said it and didn't see me go for a little cry afterwards (a stealth cry, which nobody except for my mum and dad noticed) so he has no idea. Rightly so because I do not want drama on his wedding day or following it. What the fuck do I do now? I was nice to her for the remainder of the reception and she did come up and tell me how lovely I looked in my dress, after i had commented how stunning she was in hers. So I know I can be civil and even kind to her, but it is exhausting me!

OP posts:
TopperTaylor · 24/10/2018 23:42

Please ignore any non-adopters who have commented that your son shouldn't have a dummy. So few people "get" our children's additional emotional needs. My adopted daughter is 3 and still very attached to her dummy. We try to limit it and were planning to stop it, but recently decided against it. She still needs the extra comfort. As your son did after all the disruption of the past few days. Glad you're going to try to get on with your SIL though. Even though she sounds like a bit of a whopper.

LemonTT · 24/10/2018 23:44

Oh Daddymac

I sympathise, I really do. My own ex SIL was so truly awful that when she posted her own sanitised version of her split from DB on the relationship board, she got right royally roasted by the mumsnet community.

I spent 20 years creating my dumb down shield against her. 20 years of pretending not to know she was an entitled and opinionated little madam who caused offence at the drop of a hat. I just got myself to a place were I was above her snide behaviour. When I visited I spent time with the children and focused on my relationship with them. Played her game but knew it was a dumb game so not worth my effort to compete in. My advice don't try for wins in her game of snap when you are Chess Master.

Alaria4 · 24/10/2018 23:45

OP... Her comment about your infertility

Did she think that it was something that could run in the family or something?

I'm curious as to whether this is something she might have been thinking, hence her comment: "it's a good thing I am super fertile"

Perhaps she said something very odd and insensitive because she didn't know what to say (some people panic and say awful things they don't mean)

Kind of like your comment you made (I read the thread, get why you said it and I'm certainly not trying to compare context!)

Perhaps I am way off the mark, maybe she is a twat, maybe you are very sensitive, idk.

I just know people do have a habit of saying the wrong shit at the wrong time.

Good luck with your babysitting duties! Flowers

LuckyDiamond · 24/10/2018 23:45

Er... grow up?

Who goes and cries at shite like this?

Birdie69 · 25/10/2018 00:12

You say that you grin and bear it but you obviously don't. I'd keep some distance from these people , and get on with life.

LeMesmer · 25/10/2018 00:29

My sister in law isn’t too nice, a facade of friendliness but underneath that she really is unpleasant. Yours may be the same, we obviously don’t know from reading something here. I haven’t spoken to them for years as my brother is just the same and has absolutely no interest in having a relationship with me. But in the early years before I grasped that he was just as bad, one thing I learnt - if you want to have a relationship with your brother you really do just have to grin and bear it with his wife. Whether she is insensitive, unthinking or downright nasty in what she says. It is hard to do, but if you don’t he will probably, rightly or wrongly, side with her. Before I cut all contact with him I got to the point where I just ignored anything she said. It was meaningless to me, it takes a while to get there but it’s the only way if she really is so nasty towards you but you want to maintain a relationship with him.

Oswin · 25/10/2018 00:38

This thread is bizzare. You weren't rude making that joke. It was an ongoing joke. Fucks sake.
The woman basically called op fat in front of everyone. Course she is upset.

That's not being hard work just a normal human with emotions and shit.

With the infertility comment you have every right to think she is a prick. You don't sound like hard work either.

Everyone I know of you made that joke would have joked back, pretended to bend maybe. Cuz we aren't muppets.

Honestly I think the first few replies sets the tone. Posters have been fucking horrible. And for what, what had the op done in your eyes. Made a bad joke? So she's hard work for this.

Squishies · 25/10/2018 00:42

I must be the only person on the thread who thinks your joke was funny (in context obvs) Grin

Blessthekids · 25/10/2018 01:21

My advice don't try for wins in her game of snap when you are Chess Master.

Love this 😋

RonaldMcDonald · 25/10/2018 01:27

You do realise almost everything you say about her is littered with negative judgement
From her lack of family and friends
To her getting your brother in debt
To her not considering your ss family
Her not enjoying your idiotic ‘joke’ - no matter how you contextualise it

I can clearly see your refusal to gain any appreciation for another’s world view other than your own. This feeds your feeling of martyrdom in the face of her insensitivity which I cannot appreciate from anything you have written

Did snort at tinkly laugh

Jimjamjong · 25/10/2018 07:28

You are so NOT unreasonnable. She just isn't a nice person, it's not you it's her. Stop trying so hard. I think there have been some misleading answers as you didn't initially give the context for the joke.
She was also unkind about your DS. He is a baby/toddler, you are perfectly fine giving him his dummy if he needs it. You are putting your DS first as you should, don't worry about her remarks.

Onlyjoinedforthisthread · 25/10/2018 08:07

I think you should do her and your brother a favour and distance yourself from them, I certainly couldn't be bothered to have such an over sensitive person in my life. You seem to look for ways to be offended and have no idea how to grin and bear anything

Onlyjoinedforthisthread · 25/10/2018 08:08

And if love to hear her opinion of you

Thenewdoctor · 25/10/2018 08:13

There are people in the world you just don’t like and they just don’t like you. You can’t force it. Everything they do will get on your wick and you will react more to them because you just don’t like them and they just don’t like you.

Also, there’s often a conflict when a family member gets a serious partner because they bond more to the partner and the siblings etc can feel pushed out and as if hurt was caused. Even unintentional.

Anyway op I hope you had a good nights sleep and your journey home is uneventful.

(And the dummy is no biggie. But people are weird about dummies for some reason. My D.C. isn’t adopted and has no SN and had it to bed until age I don’t remember but they were at school. No ill effects)

Myusername101z · 25/10/2018 08:15

Having read all your comments op and understanding the context of the jumping on back joke I don’t think it was weird of you to make that joke if I was that bride I would have just laughed there was no need for her to make that comment it would have upset me also. The dummy thing I am on the fence can see both sides but having a baby who uses a dummy myself I completely understand why you used it in that situation. Sounds like she is abit of a twat and makes insensitive comments but she doesn’t sound too malicious or anything. If I were you I would just accept that you aren’t going to be best friends and take her comments with a pinch of salt , don’t fall out with your brother about this.

NoMudNoLotus · 25/10/2018 08:18

@Oswin i agree. I think there have been a fair few unpleasant posters on this thread.

Bluntness100 · 25/10/2018 08:31

There are people in the world you just don’t like and they just don’t like you. You can’t force it. Everything they do will get on your wick and you will react more to them because you just don’t like them and they just don’t like you

This. You don't like each other, you snipe at each other and you look for ways to be offended by each other as a way to justify your dislike.

On this thread you have drip fed continuously, when you didn't get the response you wished, you then started telling us about how everyone else disliked her and all thr bad things she's done. Whilst constantly telling us just how lovely you are. Kind, complimentary, supportive, the sister in law of dreams it seems.

The fact you couldn't make it to thr actual toilets without crying at her remark as you were apparently that distressed by it would show your level of sensitivity. Or drama llama,I don't know.

Bottom line is you don't like each other. Try to bite your tongue. Hopefully she will do the same. And maybe just maybe you can both work your way through this with no further damage.

choli · 25/10/2018 08:53

Who goes and cries at shite like this?
The sort of woman who wants to make her brothers wedding all about her.

BooEekCackle · 25/10/2018 09:10

There is a thin line between love and hate. We want to love our SILs and have them like a sister. We are now part of their family and vic versa. We feel love but once something happens it crosses the very thin line and becomes emotional and turns into hate.

As someone with 4 SIL's I've seen it all.

thecatsthecats · 25/10/2018 09:55

Is it just me feeling Hmm at posters insisting that OP must have been a drama queen about the crying? No, I wouldn't personally cried at that comment, or needed to remove myself to do so. But if you do break down crying, expecting someone to perfectly keep a lid on it is ridiculous.

However... I agree you way overreacted. She didn't say 'a great lummock like you will break my back'. She said 'I don't want to end up in A&E'. I've ended up in A&E for walking at a normal pace down the stairs, she wasn't referencing your size explicitly.

Once I made a slightly 'off' comment of a similar nature. Friend introduced me to a friend of hers with the same name. Someone made a comment about not mixing us up. I look and dress fairly conventionally. Other woman has rainbow hair, twice my size, and shaved eyebrows, redrawn as swirly patterns. I reply 'I don't think it's likely to mix us up!'.

Could be seen as bitchy. But it was off the cuff, spontaneous, and based on our wildly different appearances.

AntiHop · 25/10/2018 10:31

I remember your other thread. I understand why you're upset.

NoMudNoLotus · 25/10/2018 10:39

Op there are some real immature bullies on this thread - I would step back for your own sanity.

AliasGrape · 25/10/2018 10:47

There are some downright nasty posters on this thread, fucking hell.

YANBU she’s clearly a bit of a cow, but you’re right in that

I completely understand the joke in the context you’ve described. Few posters here a bit hard of reading/understanding it seems. There’s a family joke about your brother/her husband jumping on the grooms back at weddings, there’s a photo of this. She’s aware of this, she’s been shown the photo. In the context of your husband taking the informal photos at her wedding this comes up again and you joke that your email going to do the same thing.

She’s clearly got the joke because she didn’t just look at you confused or say ‘errrr please dont’ she actually flipped it and said she would be the one to do the jumping on backs - so she’s aware of the photo and aware that the joke is about recreating the photo but she’s taken the opportunity to emphasise that you’re bigger than her and basically call you fat. Yes that’s nasty.

She/ or actually they both made a point of giving every child at the wedding a title/role apart from one. That’s spectacularly insensitive even if it’s not intentionally mean.

She took the opportunity to have a little dig about your DS with the dummy. Less of an issue that one but still, she likes a little dig clearly.

And yes of course it’s coloured by a previously crass and selfish remarks about what a shame you can’t have children when I got pregnant so quickly. I am aghast at how many posters have tied themselves in knots trying to justify that one.

All these ‘urgh who would cry at something so trivial’ people are clearly made of tougher stuff than you and I OP. Perhaps there’s a list of ‘acceptable situations in which to demonstrate an emotional response’ we could be furnished with so we’ll know better next time. Because for me - family wedding/emotional day + 2 days travelling with unsettled toddler + disturbed sleep + feeling sad for stepson who did not understand why he’d been left out of something + being called fat in front of people = very possible I might have a little cry. But then I’ve been known to cry for an hour because I broke a particular Christmas bauble before now, so I’m clearly hugely morally inferior to people who can predict and control their emotional responses to any given situation so confidently that they feel compelled to share their superiority online with someone clearly already feeling a little fragile. Well done to them hey?

AliasGrape · 25/10/2018 10:49

but you’re right in that you do just have to grin and bear it as much as possible - not sure where the rest of that sentence disappeared to

AliasGrape · 25/10/2018 10:51

Also you joke that you’re going to do the same thing
Nothing to do with email - what is my phone on at the moment? Hmm