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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to distance myself from brand new SIL?

156 replies

Daddymacjump · 24/10/2018 20:44

Long-time poster but I've NC because thanks quite identifying to the people who witnessed this and my best friend who I've been on the phone in tears to!

DBro got married today to a woman I'm not too fond of. Not a big deal, I adore my brother and this is who he has chosen to spend his life with so I've always had a "grin and bear it" mentality. She's been quite rude in the past but I honestly try so hard to be nice to her.

(Some of you may remember my post from a couple of years ago about whether I could uninvite her from Christmas day drinks because she had made some extremely insensitive comments about her pregnancy in direct relation to my infertility).

Anyway, today was their long awaited wedding day. Very small wedding, all six of the seven children invited were bridesmaids/page boys (including my nearly 2yo DS) except my DSS. Fine, whatever, grin and bear it. My DS was being very challenging trying to get him to stand still waiting around - it's been a long journey to the wedding, approx 2 days in the car - and he was getting very upset so I gave him a dummy which he usually only has for naps. SIL commented how it was such a shame he's going to have a dummy in all her wedding photos from the service. Hmm But fine, grin and bear it.

Then afterwards whilst my DH is taking photos (amateur photographer and obviously doing this for free) I made a joke to DH and SIL. I said "have the camera ready and I'll hop on her back for a photo". She said, in front of half of the guests "Ouch, do that and I'll end up in A&E! Maybe best if it's the other way round and I'll hop on yours Wink" followed by a tinkly laugh.

I'm honestly done. Yes I'm big - a tall size 16 opposed to her small framed size 10. It was clearly a joke I was making. But FFS was it really necessary to point out that if I was to hope on her back I would crush her?!

I'm so done with grinning and bearing it but I really love my brother and don't want to distance myself from him. He wasn't there when she said it and didn't see me go for a little cry afterwards (a stealth cry, which nobody except for my mum and dad noticed) so he has no idea. Rightly so because I do not want drama on his wedding day or following it. What the fuck do I do now? I was nice to her for the remainder of the reception and she did come up and tell me how lovely I looked in my dress, after i had commented how stunning she was in hers. So I know I can be civil and even kind to her, but it is exhausting me!

OP posts:
Thenewdoctor · 24/10/2018 21:34

You’re tired and stressed and don’t like her anyway.

Chill and reflect when you get home.

Original poster
Daddymacjump · 24/10/2018 21:34

Sorry DSS was invited- he was the only child there not to be a bridesmaid or page boy. So stuck out a little bit.

OP posts:
Rebecca36 · 24/10/2018 21:40

You say you had a two day journey to get to the wedding. Surely your son had sleep during that two days, certainly before the wedding, so why did he need a dummy? I agree - not nice for the photographs.

The 'jumping on' joke misfired, she probably didn't even remember being told your brother had jumped on your husband at your wedding.

No reason why you can't be friendly at family occasions, don't have to ever be bosom buddies but, hey, that's life. You've had a good moan about the occasion, that should do.

Witchend · 24/10/2018 21:41

Another who doesn't think she sounds bad, and you're just letting anything she says be coloured by the fact you don't like her.

She probably didn't remember the photo even if you'd showed it yesterday. I'm sure I wouldn't unless there was something spectacular about it-and even if I remembered the photo might well not have made the link. She did have something else on her mind the day before her wedding you know?
It sounded like the sort of slightly pointed comment someone who doesn't like you makes, and then if you object try and hide it behind "only joking".

The dummy comment, may have been said a little sharply, but really I don't think anyone would ideally like that for the photos, I suspect it was an attempt to tactfully say "please remove it if you can before the formal photos."

Quartz2208 · 24/10/2018 21:43

Hold on she invited your DSS she just didnt have him as a page boy - that is a non matter

Original poster
Daddymacjump · 24/10/2018 21:45

You say you had a two day journey to get to the wedding. Surely your son had sleep during that two days, certainly before the wedding, so why did he need a dummy? I agree - not nice for the photographs.

Of course he slept Hmm but two days in a car is a lot for a small child and the quality of sleep is nowhere near being at home in his own bed where he is settled. It's very usual for adopted children to find travelling more stressful than children who have never moved from home to home.

He needed a dummy because he was extremely unsettled and in that moment when my brother is handing me a dummy and it's either that or him screaming, the dummy was my preference.

FWIW I was almost done getting rid of the dummy completely in the few days before we got here, and then we shared a holiday home with other toddlers who all have dummies (all older than DS too) and the parents were leaving them laying around so DS kept bloody picking them up and putting them in Sad

OP posts:
londonrach · 24/10/2018 21:46

Got to be daily mail made up as 2 year olds dont use dummys in real life. I have a 2 year so looking at her and all the children at the four playgroups we go to. If not made up totally understand why not dummy for photo. Sounds like theres more a bigger back story, her wedding op..grin and bear it.

Original poster
Daddymacjump · 24/10/2018 21:48

Quartz doesn't sound like much until I have a young child asking me why everybody else gets to be pageboys and he doesn't. When the only honest response (which I would never say to him) is because Uncle A and Auntie B don't consider you to be family like the rest of the children.

OP posts:
Armchairanarchist · 24/10/2018 21:48

I think you're hyper vigilant when it concerns SIL. I can't see any offence in anything she said or did.

BumDisease · 24/10/2018 21:49

Btw OP has anyone mentioned that your jokes was SO ODD???? (despite the context being mentioned several times) and WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT I WOULD BE HORRIFIED??? /sarcasm

Original poster
Daddymacjump · 24/10/2018 21:49

Fucking hell London you have lived a sheltered life if the idea of a 2yo using a dummy is so alien to you. I hate the dummy. I've had to wean him off of it very slowly as he is fucking adopted and has had enough go on in his little life without taking away something that comforts him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Daddymacjump · 24/10/2018 21:50

Bum shit no, I hadn't realised Wink

OP posts:
thehousewifex · 24/10/2018 21:50

I think you are being a bit sensitive despite the fact you 'grin and bear it'. A bit of teasing from your sister-in-law shouldn't be exhausting you. Maybe you have just had a long day, as you've had a 2-day journey for the wedding. I'm sure you'll feel better after some rest.

tictoc76 · 24/10/2018 21:50

Ignore all the dummy comments. My oldest is birth child and dummy was only used at bedtime and got rid of by the time he was 6 months - I hate dummies and wondered why so many people used them. Youngest is adopted like yours and I still so attached to dummy - it’s a comfort for him and I just cannot get it off him sometimes. I find it pretty embarrassing sometimes but really I should just get over it - I expect it’s the same for yours and his dummy

EK36 · 24/10/2018 21:52

Yes I think what she said was rude. I feel sorry for you. Spend less time with them in future, if she's always this rude.

InkyGrail · 24/10/2018 21:53

I dunno. I think she was mean with the joke back, but you also lost me a bit at a 'stealth' cry that BOTH your parents managed to witness. Hmm

Original poster
Daddymacjump · 24/10/2018 21:53

Thanks housewife. I'm definitely being sensitive I accept that. I just find it exhausting in general because it's always something. For context her comments in the past have included "wow that's so kind of your parents to offer to pay for IVF, they're so lucky I was able to get pregnant so quickly so they don't have to pay for us too!" 12 hours after we found out we couldn't have children, which happened to be when they announced their pregnancy after 6 weeks together. There's always something Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Daddymacjump · 24/10/2018 21:54

Inky I bumped into my parents on the way to the toilets. Sorry about that.

OP posts:
AlphaBravo · 24/10/2018 21:55

"I dislike the exclusion of my stepson"... Hmm You can dislike what you want I'm sure, but are you serious? It was their wedding... not a public vote. Unless your brother has some sort of close bond with his step-nephew then yabvu about that tbf.

Snappedandfarted2018 · 24/10/2018 21:55

Yabu totally OTT reaction she said something in Jess to what you said. As for the step child he was invited they weren’t obligated to have in the bridal party I’m surprised they had youre 2year old and I speak as a mother to. 2year old.

JeanPagett · 24/10/2018 21:56

Ok, so he was invited, but again why aren't you blaming your brother for your DSS not being a pageboy, rather than laying it at your SIL's door. I know I left decisions about his side of the family pretty much to my DH at our wedding.

You seem pretty determined to find fault with your SIL. It sounds like there's a pretty significant backstory to your relationship with her, but based on what you've described from the wedding I think you need to regroup and calm down.

Original poster
Daddymacjump · 24/10/2018 21:58

I know they're not obligated to have him as page of hence why I didn't say anything to them about it. It bothered me but I accepted it wasn't my decision to make. And I know it's my DBros decision too but it was SIL who made a big song and dance about asking my DS to be her page boy.

OP posts:
themuttsnutts · 24/10/2018 21:59

I think you need to stop undrrreacting and call her out next time she comments. A simple 'ouch' would do

Original poster
Daddymacjump · 24/10/2018 22:02

Jean she also made it very clear that she made the decisions about the wedding. With regard to her side and his side, she didn't have a side. Every single guest at the wedding (including her bridesmaid) was friend or family of my DBro, with the exception of her children. Im not being mean or exagerraring, she literally has no friends. She cut off her best friend a year ago when she was recently widowed and stopped sending her son to school for a few weeks because she didn't agree with her friends choices. She quickly made a new friend at a babygroup, made her godmother to their baby, and promptly cut her off a couple of months later for some reason or another.

OP posts:
AlphaBravo · 24/10/2018 22:02

Yabu to even be offended by them not asking him tbh.

You seem very overly sensitive OP. I sympathise with the infertility, it took us 12yrs to have our son, but you still seem very sore about all of it and almost looking to be offended/find fault with her and make dramas (even if only to yourself) about really menial insignificant things.

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