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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to distance myself from brand new SIL?

156 replies

Daddymacjump · 24/10/2018 20:44

Long-time poster but I've NC because thanks quite identifying to the people who witnessed this and my best friend who I've been on the phone in tears to!

DBro got married today to a woman I'm not too fond of. Not a big deal, I adore my brother and this is who he has chosen to spend his life with so I've always had a "grin and bear it" mentality. She's been quite rude in the past but I honestly try so hard to be nice to her.

(Some of you may remember my post from a couple of years ago about whether I could uninvite her from Christmas day drinks because she had made some extremely insensitive comments about her pregnancy in direct relation to my infertility).

Anyway, today was their long awaited wedding day. Very small wedding, all six of the seven children invited were bridesmaids/page boys (including my nearly 2yo DS) except my DSS. Fine, whatever, grin and bear it. My DS was being very challenging trying to get him to stand still waiting around - it's been a long journey to the wedding, approx 2 days in the car - and he was getting very upset so I gave him a dummy which he usually only has for naps. SIL commented how it was such a shame he's going to have a dummy in all her wedding photos from the service. But fine, grin and bear it.

Then afterwards whilst my DH is taking photos (amateur photographer and obviously doing this for free) I made a joke to DH and SIL. I said "have the camera ready and I'll hop on her back for a photo". She said, in front of half of the guests "Ouch, do that and I'll end up in A&E! Maybe best if it's the other way round and I'll hop on yours " followed by a tinkly laugh.

I'm honestly done. Yes I'm big - a tall size 16 opposed to her small framed size 10. It was clearly a joke I was making. But FFS was it really necessary to point out that if I was to hope on her back I would crush her?!

I'm so done with grinning and bearing it but I really love my brother and don't want to distance myself from him. He wasn't there when she said it and didn't see me go for a little cry afterwards (a stealth cry, which nobody except for my mum and dad noticed) so he has no idea. Rightly so because I do not want drama on his wedding day or following it. What the fuck do I do now? I was nice to her for the remainder of the reception and she did come up and tell me how lovely I looked in my dress, after i had commented how stunning she was in hers. So I know I can be civil and even kind to her, but it is exhausting me!

OP posts:

Original poster

Daddymacjump · 24/10/2018 22:53

You asked rhe question on here, were told, yes you're being unreasonable and aren't really willing to accept it.

Have accepted IABU.

The plan was to cry in a cubicle. Far away from the rest of the wedding party. Thought i was a safe distance away from everyone, even my DH. My parents were there, I really did not want them to see. Especially when my mum had been in tears the week before because she didn't want any conflict at the wedding between my other DBro and the SIL. The last thing I wanted was for my mum to know I was upset.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 24/10/2018 22:53

The point people are trying to make op is that seldom are these things one sided as you are trying to portray. You are lovely and she's just horrid.

Your behaviour at her wedding shows that you are not very nice to her, and it's not one sided. You dislike her and it colours your behaviour. I suspect from her bite back she dislikes you too.

So possibly you can both learn to grow the fuck up and be polite to one another and stop with the passive aggressive "who me" comments.

Bluntness100 · 24/10/2018 22:54

The plan was to cry in a cubicle

So why didn't you?

HungryChocoHippo · 24/10/2018 22:58

I don't think YABU.

She showed with her comments on your silouhette and her pregnancy vs your infertility that she thinks she's better than you and she is bullying you for that.

Unfortunately if you distance yourself from her she will convince your brother that she is only a poor innocent victim and it might end up with him avoiding you.

I would just be polite without over trying to be friends.

(Oh and the joke was ok once you explained the context!)

Thenewdoctor · 24/10/2018 22:58

You’ve been posting on here since a quarter to nine. Isn’t there an evening do?

Original poster

Daddymacjump · 24/10/2018 23:03

ftf Not when there's 20 guests and most have toddlers. We all left between 7 and 8.

OP posts:

Thenewdoctor · 24/10/2018 23:05

So you’re in a hotel?or at a family member’s? And instead of enjoying family time you’re posting here?

PollyFlinderz · 24/10/2018 23:05

She is jealous of you and your relationship with your brother

I feel it’s the other way around and OP is jealous of her SIL.

Original poster

Daddymacjump · 24/10/2018 23:05

Bluntness do you need a diagram? Walked quite a distance from the end of the long garden to the upstairs of the venue. Started to cry as I approached the toilets. Turned the finally corner, bumped into my dad.

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Singlenotsingle · 24/10/2018 23:07

There are people in this life who can't open their mouth without putting their foot in it! It sounds like both you and the new SIL are very much alike in this respect tbh. (I used to be known for tactless remarks so I should know!) You open your mouth and while the remark is coming out, you're thinking "Oh no!" but it's too late! Be gentle on yourself OP, but be gentle on her too! You're probably both very nice people.

Original poster

Daddymacjump · 24/10/2018 23:08

ftf stuck in a holiday home full of sleeping toddlers actually so everyone went straight to their bedrooms (living room is being used as a giant sleeping space for several kids). DH has been driving for 2 days so fell asleep pretty much the second we got in. Why are you so intent on proving that I shouldn't be on MN right now? Literally I have nothing else to do this evening, I'm guessing you don't either?

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NoCureForLove · 24/10/2018 23:08

God but you sound hard work OP. You really do.

Thenewdoctor · 24/10/2018 23:10

You really do sound hard work.

I’m sorry you’ve had a shitty day but what you’ve described is 6 and 2 threes.

Original poster

Daddymacjump · 24/10/2018 23:12

Polly I may not like her but I'm not jealous of SIL. She has nothing that I want or covet. My life is far from perfect but I'm pretty content with it.

That said, I really doubt she's jealous of me either. Shes also very content. I don't like "she's probably jealous" as an excuse for women not getting along, there are lots of valid reasons for people not liking each other that have nothing to do with jealous.

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Valasca · 24/10/2018 23:12

And when you bumped into them, you said nothing right? Or maybe that you were tired and the toddler was acting up. But you didn’t tell your parents that the bride was mean and nasty to you and had you running away in tears. Because you’re kind and considerate and you grin and don’t want to ruin the wedding day?

I’d bet money your parents knew it was the bride, even if you somehow managed to refrain from telling them bluntly.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 24/10/2018 23:13

🌷you sound funny, kind, caring, inclusive and helpful.

I can see through her like a pane of glass...stop being so tolerant of her or she’ll gather steam. Call her on her shit. The more you let her get away with, the more she’ll dish out. Obviously there was nothing you could do today, but there is going forward. Do not let her treat your DSS any different to any of the others. Your DSS & her older DC are ALL step children into the family and should all be treat the same as their & your younger DS’s.

TRY to get through the next few days without a drama, for your brothers sake, but after that...put her straight.

Original poster

Daddymacjump · 24/10/2018 23:16

You really do sound hard work

Nah, you're saying I'm hard work for answering your questions. Which you're only asking to get the last word.

In reality I'm about as hard work as the next person. I have my bad days, and the fact I'm posting this shows that this is clearly one of them. I can accept that. I can't stand the bullying nature of people saying people are too defensive so they can no longer defend themselves, then calling them hard work because they don't give in before you do.

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Original poster

Daddymacjump · 24/10/2018 23:18

Valasca you got it the first time, I said DS was really testing me. They gave me a cuddle and started recalling an incident from when I was his age and a bridesmaid for my aunt. Apparently I was a little terror.

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NoLeslie · 24/10/2018 23:19

She sounds like a twat. It is hard when your brother marries a twat and you want better for them. I think you can only try and see the good in her, bite your tongue and limit how much you see them really. Maybe she will get nicer with age. Hope you have got .

Dermymc · 24/10/2018 23:19

You made a shit joke about a bride.

She reacted in not the best way.

You sound difficult and she sounds a little insensitive (and also at the end of her tether).

choli · 24/10/2018 23:26

I'm beginning to suspect you've both been making thinly disguised swipes at each other for years and it is your family who grins and bears it.

Original poster

Daddymacjump · 24/10/2018 23:26

Dermy would you tell someone who had just learned they were infertile that it's a good thing that at least you're so super-fertile? That's more than "a little insensitive". It's been comments just like this for nearly 3 years.

My relationship with her is difficult. My relationships with every one else in my life are spectacularly easy. I'm not saying that it's her fault our relationship is difficult, its undoubtedly a two way street. Doesn't make me a difficult person though.

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Original poster

Daddymacjump · 24/10/2018 23:29

Choli Not to my knowledge. I've stood up for her a lot when others were being unkind. When a former friend of hers made some nasty comments about her appearance last week, I told SIL that the person was being a twat and that in a weeks time SIL would be feeling and looking like a million dollars in her wedding dress but that her former friend would be sat around still being a twat.

OP posts:

2isabella2 · 24/10/2018 23:29

She sounds awful. Really dislike people who make digs all the time. YANBU to be upset by her.

Original poster

Daddymacjump · 24/10/2018 23:31

Anyway as I've said, I know IABU and sensitive. I am going to go with the belief that SIL did not mean to upset me, my joke was misjudged and rude, and I need to be kinder to her. Thanks to the posters who have said as much in a way that hasn't said that I'm difficult, defensive or horrible. I appreciate it!

Night night

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