to distance myself from brand new SIL?

[Daddymacjump]

Long-time poster but I've NC because thanks quite identifying to the people who witnessed this and my best friend who I've been on the phone in tears to!

DBro got married today to a woman I'm not too fond of. Not a big deal, I adore my brother and this is who he has chosen to spend his life with so I've always had a "grin and bear it" mentality. She's been quite rude in the past but I honestly try so hard to be nice to her.

(Some of you may remember my post from a couple of years ago about whether I could uninvite her from Christmas day drinks because she had made some extremely insensitive comments about her pregnancy in direct relation to my infertility).

Anyway, today was their long awaited wedding day. Very small wedding, all six of the seven children invited were bridesmaids/page boys (including my nearly 2yo DS) except my DSS. Fine, whatever, grin and bear it. My DS was being very challenging trying to get him to stand still waiting around - it's been a long journey to the wedding, approx 2 days in the car - and he was getting very upset so I gave him a dummy which he usually only has for naps. SIL commented how it was such a shame he's going to have a dummy in all her wedding photos from the service. But fine, grin and bear it.

Then afterwards whilst my DH is taking photos (amateur photographer and obviously doing this for free) I made a joke to DH and SIL. I said "have the camera ready and I'll hop on her back for a photo". She said, in front of half of the guests "Ouch, do that and I'll end up in A&E! Maybe best if it's the other way round and I'll hop on yours " followed by a tinkly laugh.

I'm honestly done. Yes I'm big - a tall size 16 opposed to her small framed size 10. It was clearly a joke I was making. But FFS was it really necessary to point out that if I was to hope on her back I would crush her?!

I'm so done with grinning and bearing it but I really love my brother and don't want to distance myself from him. He wasn't there when she said it and didn't see me go for a little cry afterwards (a stealth cry, which nobody except for my mum and dad noticed) so he has no idea. Rightly so because I do not want drama on his wedding day or following it. What the fuck do I do now? I was nice to her for the remainder of the reception and she did come up and tell me how lovely I looked in my dress, after i had commented how stunning she was in hers. So I know I can be civil and even kind to her, but it is exhausting me!

sil relationships can be difficult. My advice is to grin and bear it as best you can if you want to maintain your relationship with your db. I do meditation to help me deal with one particular sil and a few awful blood relatives. I also do my best to limit interaction, not enough to make things obvious but enough to keep my sanity. Good luck

Thanks namechange it has been a bloody long few days so I think it has all just got a bit much for me. There were a few other things that happened too which bothered me but wasn't going to list every single one of them

I admit i don't know the back story here, but from the info i've spotted... you don't seem to like your SIL, make a few passive aggressive snipes in your OP about grinning and bearing it... you made a joke and she responded in a jokey manner...

And you went off to cry about it, to the level that the mother and father of the groom noticed it?
And have been crying on the phone to a friend about it this evening?
And have posted on MN about it?
and made a mention about how you don't want to cut your brother (your brother, ffs) out of your life after this?

None of this makes ANY sense, unless there's a huge backstory.
Honestly, OP, if there isn't - you sound like hard work, and should probably have more important things to worry and fret over than anything you've posted in this particular thread.

sorry.

Ach I understand OP. My SIL is a nightmare too but if I listed the things she's done none of them would seem that bad in isolation - it's the cumulative effect that wears you down.

To be honest nothing your SIL has done sounds particularly bad.

I wouldn't love a kid with a dummy in weddin g pics, and whilst it was a little tactless to say so, I don't think it was awful of her. She probably has no idea you are sensitive about her weight and was making a lame joke.

If you want to continue to have a close relationship with your brother I think you need to let perceived slights like this go. Ask yourself how you would feel if your DB said the same things - would you be quite as annoyed?

Yep. Do what we all do OP... grin and bear it and have a bitch with your family when you've all left.

We all loathed my brothers wife (now Ex wife thankfully!) And I'm the only one who likes his new partner so I sit refereeing the bitch fest as soon as we leave family meals and parties etc. It's quite stress releving 😁

And Yes... to everyone reading this... chances are your husband's family bitched about you, if not now, then certainly initially 😉

It really sounds like an exhausting time. Tons of travel, tired and unsettled DS, lots of standing around with a fixed smile etc etc. Hope you can have some recovery time.

You just don't like her OP, so it sounds like you are looking for reasons to fall out with her. Calm yourself and re-group.

I think I remember your old-old post about xmas. She sounds like hard work. Given you were looking through your wedding photos shortly before this, presumably she was well aware you were relating it back to her DH at your wedding- I think that's quite nice, like you were involving her in a happy family in-joke. There was no need to make the comment she did, you were clearly having a laugh. If she seriously thought you were actually going to jump on her back you'd go "please don't!", not take the opportunity to make a catty remark.

The complaints about photos of the ceremony (taken as a favour by your DH) are also ridiculous. A dummy is hardly the most stylish accessory but few things are more precious than a silent toddler during someone else's wedding ceremony. As someone who seems to have a child herself you'd think she'd know that.

Ah well. Unfortunately I don't think you have any other option but to continue to grin and bear it, otherwise you risk your relationship with your DB.

Why are there constant references to "grinning and bearing it" - you're there to enjoy and support your brother getting married, be happy for him, focus on him.
You don't have to be best friends with SIL but neither does any big fallout need to occur after you've "grinned and bore it" like a martyr.

Sorry but I agree that an almost 2YO shouldn’t have a dummy in all day, fair enough for the church and for naps but she said something, perhaps a bit tactless but you did take it out for formal photos. So issue resolved no?

He had the dummy in for the five minute service, not all day at all so I'm not sure where you've got that from? He was very unsettled whilst we were stood and waiting for bride and bridal party so my other DBro offered me his DS's dummy just before the service started because it was a small room and he was very loud. As soon as we were out the room and outside, the dummy was removed.

The jumping on her ‘joke’ is downright bizarre and not funny even with the reference to your wedding photos. She probably didn’t recognise the context or know what to say and that was the first thing that popped into her head. You started it so you need to let that one go.

Yep I misjudged the joke, she was still rude l. Also this wasn't during the formal photos at all just whilst my DH was standing around taking candid shots at the reception venue.

Your DSS, so your DH’s son from a previous relationship wasn’t included in your Brother’s wife’s bridal party... I don’t think that’s that unusual.

At the risk of being accused of dripfeeding, she has three children - one with my brother and two older children. Her older children have to be included in everything to the extent that my dad can't even take a photo of his three grandchildren without her saying it's unfair on her older two. So I dislike the exclusion of my stepson of 6 years who is with us 60% of the time.

It may be a bit of a personality clash and yes it is ok to distance yourself from her a little. However, unless she is doing something extremely emotionally abusive you might want to just practice being civil but not oversharing, polite or but not yet friends.

You never know, you may learn to really like her at some point in the future, so keep an open mind, but yes..it is OK to be boundaried and cautious around people who make you feel uncomfortable.

I can’t see what the problem is to be honest. You made a shit joke. She said something a bit tactless in reply. Tit for tat.

Some people are twats about dummys but that’s just life.

Seems like you’re quite invested in the idea of being close to DBro and SIL. If so I’m sad for you it hasn’t worked out. These things happen.

Thanks Vasilisa. I keep thinking we are getting closer - I planned and paid for her hen do, offered her heirlooms to use for the wedding with no pressure to accept, and am currently babysitting all of her children so they can have their wedding night alone - then we hit setbacks. I'll keep persevering because I'm sure my DBro wasn't my DHs biggest fan in the early years either!

Why is your DSS not being invited your SIL's fault and not your brother's though?

I’ve been in the same situation I always just smiled and let it go over my head
She is jealous of you and your relationship with your brother. I wish I reacted every time now as although very close I have no relationship with my brother now she has cut him off from whole family

YABU and it looks like you're letting your dislike of her colour anything she says.

Your joke was bonkers and not even funny so it might be best not to come out with such comments in future if you're not prepared for what may be said back to you.

Instead of looking to take offence at anything she does or says just stop taking things to heart and go and enjoy the rest of the wedding celebrations.

Your DS is still extremely young - and also will undoubtedly have had to experience some level of adjustment in his little life ... so anybody that cares about whether he did or didn't have a dummy in his mouth , could go and coco for me.

Anybody worth their salt would not find issue with it , and would just simply be happy that you were able to be there as a family unit. Also , lots of things that others find odd are completely usual in the context of a family so ignore others saying your comment was weird.

Dont let her get you down - smile and nod - and dont let her live in your head rent free.

Also you say your size isn’t on your mind but I think it must be - I’d probably have made a ‘don’t send me to A&E!’ comment on my wedding day if anyone threatened to jump on my back even my tiny MIL. To assume it was a bitchy comment about your weight you are either paranoid about your weight or just looking for insult.

It was nasty of her to make such a vile comment about you in front of other people. It was humiliating, hurtful and bitchy. Your joke recalled a previous family wedding and a playful suggestion that you continue the tradition of jumping on one of the married couples backs . Instead of laughing along withyou, she chose to put you down in the cruellest way, publicly.

I might give the bride some lee-way because a wedding can be stressful, but I would hope that you would make a plan about how to handle her in the future - if she dares to treat you like a punch bag again. It may only require a quiet word in her shell-like ear, to tell her how you feel about her hurtful wounding words. Or, it may need a jug of water over her head

Chin up - I bet the bystanders who heard her bitchiness were on your side. I know that I would be appalled and think less of her.

I don't know how many times I have had to say that I appreciate my joke wasn't funny, I'm sure nobody here has ever made a misjudged joke at all though! But I still can categorically say that if someone a couple of stone heavier than me made a similar joke, I would absolutely not bring attention to their weight. It was not a quick response - she laughed, and then commented, and laughed some more. Even her bridesmaid was shocked that she had said it.

Agree with @JeanPagett - why didn't your brother insist on your dss being invited if he knows how much it means to you?

Also i know that many mothers breastfeed their DC for comfort rather than food ... i wonder if there would be as many people berating OP for soothing with a breast in the sermon rather than a dummy.

I doubt it .

Drama llama . She didn't do anything wrong

Other posters must be much more robust than me. OP, I would be upset by the shit she said. Honestly, I think she is very rude. However, your brother married her so you're stuck with her. If she is good to him and makes him happy, be glad of that. I would try to see the funny side of what a socially inept arse she is, and would let off steam with people outside the situation when necessary.